judecorp: (work poison)
I am drowning. In a sea of First World Problems, but I am still drowning.

We applied for financial aid for Punk's fancypants Montessori preschool and they offered us a $2000 scholarship for next year. Unfortunately, that's not enough for us to feasibly send her to that school, the school she loves that has been very good for her this year in terms of keeping her stimulated and also encouraging her out of her comfort zone (Punk does not like to do anything that she thinks is "hard"). It was such a good fit for her and even though she is the youngest in her class this year, you would never know it and she is very comfortable there. But it is so expensive and with a second now in day care, there's just no way we can pay the price tag. We really needed $5000 off to make it work. I have her parent-teacher conference on Monday and I will probably bawl my way through it.

On top of that, going back to work totally sucks. I mean, the people at my job are happy to see me, and the kids I returned to are happy to see me, but my heart is not in it, my head is not in it, and I don't get nearly enough sleep to be able to effectively use my brain in that way. I am sort of floating through the job which isn't really working when I am taking countless referrals and doing tons of intakes, which generate tons of paperwork and involve tons of thinking/diagnosing/making treatment plans. I would really just rather be home with my kids, especially since I won't even be able to send Punk to the place I love next year.

Part of me would like to find another job, or go back to the Early Intervention stuff I loved and felt super competent at, but then I remember that this job gives me summers off to be with my kids and I feel like I have to stay there forever. It just all seems so heavy right now.

My most beloved cat, Daedalus, has recently started losing fur in little clumps on both sides of his body. It doesn't look like an allergy or a reaction or a fungus or anything, it is just falling out. And I am terrified that something is dreadfully wrong with him, so soon after Ralphie died. I don't think I can handle it.

I'm just in way over my head and I don't really know what to do. One foot in front of the other, I guess, but it's just so hard on so little sleep. I feel like I start the day already almost entirely out of coping skills just by having to haul myself up out of an exhausted stupor, and then to be totally swamped at work and not thrilled about where my kids are going to be, etc. It is too much.
judecorp: (never used to cry)
I just read this post and bawled my eyes out.

God, that sucked so freaking bad.

So.
Freaking.
Bad.
judecorp: (never used to cry)
Today is 39w4d, which is the day I had Punk. I really thought it would have happened by now, what with all of that talk about how subsequent babies come later, and this guy always measured ahead. Aah well, joke's on me. By this time today with Punk, I was nearly in transition. Not so much today.

Cut for dramatic whining. )
judecorp: (getting harder)
(I hanker for a hunk-a cheese.)

I feel like I'm drowning. Seriously, seriously drowning. About a lot of things, but mostly somehow related to biting off more than I could chew WRT having another kid.

Work is draining every drop of energy I manage to wake up with, my productivity sucks which means my pre-baby paychecks suck. I'm financially screwed, my relationship is screwed, I'm physically unable to keep my house up to snuff, and my to-do list for this kid is eight miles long and if I'm being completely honest, is NEVER going to be finished before this kid arrives. Still need to find time to get to Quincy to get our infant car seat, still need to find time to get to Milford to borrow some stuff, haven't seen Grandma in a long while which I feel badly about, still need to assemble Punk's new furniture. Ugh.

I would try writing out my to-do list in order to focus, but I fear that would be a) depressing and b) way too long to be helpful.

So instead I will sit here and pout.

Waste

Sep. 13th, 2010 12:31 pm
judecorp: (g'nap!)
I feel like all of my best laid plans are a total waste these days. I suppose it is enhanced by today's work experience.

I put our queen-size guest bed up on freecycle last week in an effort to get it out of our house. It was [livejournal.com profile] thatpatti's bed way back (thanks, Patti!) and it has served us well... we just need to ditch the guest room. So anyway, I had a taker that swore they were coming to pick up the bed yesterday at 1:00. And of course, they didn't come. At all. All day. Didn't call, e-mail, anything. Nada. So I sat around for nothing. And the bed's not gone. And I can't do the big furniture move until it's gone. Bleh.

Today was my first day of the "doing intakes in the office" thing at work. I had four offered intake times and all four were filled. Score! First my 9:00 cancelled, then my 10:00. At 11:10, I called my 11:00 and she had forgotten and was at the grocery store. Then my 1:00 cancelled. Are you effing kidding me? I left work around 11:20 and drove home to eat lunch. Today's paycheck - $0. Today's potential paycheck - $175. OUCH.

It just feels like I'm sitting here spinning my wheels in the mud. I have this intense urge to nest and plan, but can't get rid of the bed, can't move the guest room furniture to the basement (we need someone to help and I don't have anyone), so can't move the baby furniture out of Punk's room, so can't assemble Punk's furniture, can't get the baby clothes out of boxes and put them in drawers, can't steam clean the rug, etc. etc. Get up and get ready to go to work, prepare for work, pack lunch for work, and then... do no work. It's such a waste.

I am so freaking frustrated. And broke.
judecorp: (downcast)
A year ago tomorrow, a friend of mine went in for her scheduled induction and learned that her baby had died. She was alive the day before (a year ago today) at her OB appointment.

Happy first birthday, Isabelle.
We're all thinking of you.
judecorp: (i hate it)
I hate when I have to follow up on a consequence for my kid that hurts me. Punk is not allowed to go to see a friend's newborn baby tonight because she didn't nap today and was acting horridly. But that means I don't get to see the newborn baby, either.

SUCK.
judecorp: (getting harder)
I don't think the Montessori school is going to let us out of our contract for the school year. I am to write a formal letter asking to be released and then the Head of School will decide if she will "take it to committee" for a vote. Who knows how long that will take? It is already August 11th. I need to contact the other school to let them know if she is coming, but how can I do that when I don't know if they will let me out of the contract?

The Montessori school already has almost $6k of our money. We can't afford to just let them keep it. We can't afford to hire someone to watch Punk for those extra days. We can't afford the after-care program there. We just can't.

And they don't care. Because they don't have all of their slots filled.
judecorp: (fin - just cold)
I am such a pickle for preschool. How can this be? It's freaking PRESCHOOL. It should not be full of drama.

Back in (I think? Maybe?) January or so we started the process to get Punk admitted to a local Montessori school, because we're big hippie Montessori freaks, blah blah blah, it's a good school. It costs a bazillion dollars and in terms of scheduling it was pretty disruptive to my work day, but we decided it was worth it and signed her up, had the interview, paid a bunch of money, etc. (The disruption is that the school's preschool hours are 8:30 to 3:00, any earlier or later are at increased cost that we can't afford, and a typical work day for me is 8:30 to 3ish with occasional days until 4 or later due to mandatory staff meetings, supervision, etc.) I had spoken with my supervisor about how I could accommodate this school and I found ways it could be done but all at the detriment of my job (i.e. leaving at 2:15 instead of 3:00 and losing one client each day, taking my "day off" on Wednesdays when we have staff meetings and finding a way to do ALL paperwork, phone calls, office things, etc. on that day, and other things). They weren't pleased at all but they like me and said it could work. Not to mention that no one is jazzed about the new baby coming in November when I have worked there a very short time and are therefore not eligible for anything like FMLA.

So anyway, a couple of weeks ago I decided to find out when each school (my school system and the Montessori school) starts for the year so I can get planning. I find out that my school system starts on September 1st, and Punk's school begins "phase in week" (with no explanation) on September 8th. SIGH. So I call my supervisor AGAIN and ask if it's going to be a problem if I can't work until September 8th. She says we will "make it work."

Last Thursday I received the big fall packet of information from the Montessori school. And it's true that "phase in week" begins September 8th, but "phase in week" actually means that on the 8th and 9th, the new kids can come to school from 8:30-11:30 WITH A PARENT, and then on the 10th all the kids can come from 8:30-12:30, and then the actual full school days where you can drop them off begin on September 13th.

At this point I start sweating because I can't possibly ask for another week AND I actually have a ton of stuff to do in September and October since I am taking leave in November. So to lose two weeks means screwing my clients over more, because I will be leaving them already to have a baby. I realize, of course, that this is MY problem brought about by MY actions but I really couldn't anticipate this process with the school.

My options right now are to a) do what I need to do for the Montessori preschool and hope that somehow I manage to have a job at the end of it, or b) find a new preschool for Punk that starts earlier. And try not to think about the fact that we paid the Montessori school, in addition to a huge chunk of tuition money (that may or may not be refunded) a $1000 non-refundable deposit. Which is, umm, quite a bit of money to us.

I did some sleuthing and found out that there are openings at the big catholic child care center 2 minutes from my house. A friend of a friend sends her kid there so I already know that they are cool with the two-mom family, so I went to check it out. It is obviously not a lovely, hippie Montessori setting with sculpted landscaping and beautiful wooden materials. It is very average - like "joe preschool." There are books and toys, art supplies, circle time, etc. etc. There is a decent play area with a climbing structure and sand box. It costs less for a FULL YEAR than the Montessori school costs for the school year (Sept - June minus school vacations); on top of that, they are willing to hold Punk's spot in the summers (since I don't work) FOR FREE. And they take very limited days off (just major major holidays). And they are open from 7:00 to 5:30 as part of the daily rate, which is quite reasonable. And they will do everything they can to make a spot for our infant, if we so desired, at the appropriate time. One drop off. One pick up. Not having to leave work early. Etc.

And yet I am still finding this a difficult decision. Why? We love the Montessori school and the Montessori philosophy. We love that community and have friends at the school. The playground there is amazing. The facilities are lovely. The teachers are wonderful. It is so calm and mellow and peaceful and structured. We were going to make it work for a reason. But now... now on the brink of two kids and a potentially lost job (a job that, by the way, I recently switched to because it is super flexible and family-friendly and accommodating and has school schedule, blah blah blah) I have to reconsider. And that hurts.

I left a message for the admissions director (who is also a church friend, UGH) about unenrolling Punk and whether we can get our money back. I am dreading the return call, but need it soon because I need to enroll in the catholic preschool ASAP to keep a spot. Barf.

Barf barf barf barf.
judecorp: (soap poisoning)
I think I have a cold. WTF? Who gets a cold in June? Yesterday afternoon I started getting a scratchy throat and just feeling gross, and this morning my legs are achy which is usually my one big sign. And my throat is still scratchy. Suck.

This is not a good weekend for a cold. (Is there ever a good weekend?) We have a wedding/potluck to go to tomorrow evening and were thinking of driving to Charlestown on Sunday for Touch-a-Truck. But uggggggh, I don't want to do anything if I am feeling crappy because all I can take is Tylenol.

Bleh.
judecorp: (don't laugh)
This has been a hell of a day.

I really think the hell of today can be summed up in one one-minute snippet of today.

I ordered pizza for dinner at Jen's insistence because really, I was too tired and fried to figure out actual food. So the pizza arrives and I get a piece out for Punk and go to get her a cup of milk. I open the dishwasher (clean) to let the dishes dry and get a cup for her and a glass for me. I put the cup and glass on the counter, and open the fridge to get the milk. I pour the milk and put it back in the fridge. The action of closing the fridge door somehow topples over a Stain Stick that is on top of the fridge, which falls over the side, and of course DIRECTLY hits my glass, which falls into the dishwasher and shatters into many pieces all over my clean dishes. The Stain Stick, having bounced off the glass, then hits the cup of milk, knocking it over onto the counter, all over the dishes, and onto the kitchen floor where it promptly attracts cats. So in a split second, I am now fishing glass out of the dishwasher and the floor, wiping up the counter and floor, shooing cats, re-running the dishwasher on the rinse cycle, and pouring yet another cup of milk.

I never got myself a drink. It was just too much effort.

Whine

Jan. 31st, 2010 01:43 pm
judecorp: (if only love was easy)
I really feel like I have been running ragged since Christmas, and I can't get a leg up. I am behind on everything!

I have so much crap to do around the house. I haven't even finished uploading the pictures from freaking Christmas. I barely get the bills paid because I don't have time to sit there and do them. The laundry and dishes pile up. And I just plain freaking feel exhausted all the freaking time!

I should really take a nap right now while Punk is napping, but I have laundry looming over my head and I know that by the time I finally fall asleep, she will be starting to wake up. And I get crap sleep these days because Punk is back in our bed. She is sleeping, but she keeps kicking me, so I don't sleep. Back to the life of working full days on two hours of broken sleep.

Whine whine, life is hard.
judecorp: (today sucked)
When I walked into Punk's child care, the child care provider told me she was closing for good when she has her surgery. Which potentially could be as early as next Friday.

Pretty much anything after that just sucks.

I want to quit my job and just say 'eff it' to everyone.
judecorp: (downcast)
K had her follow-up appointment with the surgeon who did her lumpectomy and we were hoping for the good news. Pre-surgery, the thought based on the mammogram and biopsy was that she would have a lumpectomy and then either hormone treatment or maybe a little radiation and by the end of October, she could consider herself a survivor.

Today she learned that when the doctor removed the lump, there were a lot of precancerous cells around and the lump was near a lymph node. They are recommending a mastectomy which is scheduled for October 14th. They are also ordering an MRI of the other breast to see if there is anything suspicious looking and if it doesn't look right, a biopsy of the other breast and the possibility of a double mastectomy.

I am so sick over this. I care more about K than about most other people... and even in the best case scenario (single mastectomy, no significant treatment required), she's out for a month. Beginning October 14th. Which isn't a heck of a lot of time to find new childcare.

Holy hell.
judecorp: (today sucked)
This has been a hell of a week. My emotions are just... I don't even know. There are just too many emotions.

Yesterday a friend of mine went in for her scheduled induction and learned that her baby had died sometime in the last 24 or so hours. She had gone in the day before for a non-stress test and everything was fine. Perfect, even. How the hell does this happen? I am still super shaken about it, the unfairness of it all but also that awful niggling feeling that you can NEVER be sure that everything is going to be okay. Two years ago, in this same circle of (online) friends, a friend died after child birth from an amniotic embolism. It just brings back so many memories - so many of the same people saying, "Oh my god!" or trying to mobilize.

On Monday my beloved child care provider had a biopsy in her breast after a routine mammogram. Yesterday she was very upbeat and positive, saying that the person who did the biopsy was saying that there was a major increase in biopsies since they switched to a new digital machine. Today she left me a message that child care is closing tomorrow by 2:45 because she has to go in to talk to a doctor right away. To say that I am freaking out is an understatement.

It just seems like I have been stuck in Low Tide since my grandfather told us he had pancreatic cancer in February. Everything is just low, low, low. I feel all washed out and swept out to sea. My sandy shore is full of rocks and abandoned shellfish.
judecorp: (i hate it)
I had the worst haircut experience of my life today.

Not only did she do the exact opposite of what I asked (I asked her to leave the top alone so I could grow it out and cut the back-bottom because it was getting annoying, and instead she left the back-bottom as long as it was before and cut the top and sides and I look riDICulous), but she had this annoying tone of voice and kept talking down to me every time I would tell her I wanted her to do something else. It was so infuriating!

Finally I got tired of trying to re-explain what I wanted and got tired of hearing her tell me "that's not how hair grows" (umm, down?) that I said, "Can you just stop right now? I don't like the way you're speaking to me." And I paid for my haircut and walked away.

So irritated. SOOO irritated. With bad hair.

~//~

It was just the cap on a very frustrating day. Jen and I switched cars today so I could get her car inspected, and so I went to the bank to get some cash for the inspection and then realized there was no registration in the glove compartment. So I had to go to the RMV and wait for an hour to get a new copy of the registration, but the copy cost $25 (WTF? It's a piece of paper!) which of course took all of my inspection money... so I had to go /back/ to the bank and get more money and then go get the car inspected. Maddening!
judecorp: (sad baby)
Random hysterical crying last night? Check.
Terrible night of sleep? Check.
Fever in the morning? Check.
Sobbing on the mama at diaper time? Check.

Moms' diagnosis of ear infection: Correct.

~//~
Two hours of sleep for me, one from 11-12, and another from 4-5. Jen and I are splitting the day home with Punk. I got the 'pediatrician walk-in hours, pharmacy run, hydrate and feed kid' shift, and will go to work when Jen comes around noon. Until after 7. Late night at work on two hours of broken sleep. There is not enough coffee in the world.

Aaah, the glamourous life of a mama.
judecorp: (strange place)
I guess I will soon have a lot of time on my hands to get my house in order. Spring cleaning and all of that. I suppose that's good, except for the paycheck part. I wonder if they are going to buy out the rest of my time. That would be nice. A girl can dream.

I am going to send Punk to day care for the most part and just try to get things in order. I want to finally hang the blinds in the spare bedroom and the dining room. (We have them, they are just not up.) I want to really scrub the floors and vacuum the carpets. I want to clean up the yard. We were going to use our tax refund to get a bunch of stuff done in the yard (sod, seed, whatever it takes, and clean up the landscaping) but who knows if that is going to be able to happen. I suppose it depends how quickly I get a job. I know I /will/ get a job, even though the pessimistic, fatalistic part of myself says that I will never get a job again. I am not going to let this job ruin me.

I am saddest about not being able to transition out my clients. Most of them know I am leaving, because I started telling them when I gave notice. But there are a couple I haven't seen in person (and therefore haven't told). Who knows what they are going to think? Who knows what they are going to be told? Sigh sigh sigh.

I need to take a little inventory about what foods we have in the house because I'm guessing it would not be a bad idea to stretch out the groceries a bit. Maybe we'll be eating some creative meals. We'll have to chill on the eating out. Thankfully I already have a good amount of a spring wardrobe for Punk (and some summer).

We refinanced our house yesterday. Not much different, but a little lower. Every little bit helps, you know? Thank goodness we closed on the refi yesterday, because it meant that the mortgage company did my employment verification on Thursday. Thank goodness. And I had to close our home equity line with the old mortgage company, and they had a $200 Visa gift card buyout. Thank goodness for that, too. And extra thanks to my mortgage guy who not only did some yard clean up with us yesterday (ILY, Jeff!) but also gave us a BRU gift card as a thank you. That will buy us some day care diapers, which is good.

Time to tighten the purse strings and hope for a decent job with a decent salary soon.
judecorp: (today sucked)
Today was every bit as bad as I suspected it would be.

Sometimes it sucks to "get people" and know how things are going to go down.

(But I guess that means I'm good at what I do?)

No fair!

Feb. 19th, 2009 10:54 pm
judecorp: (no!)
I use the television for two big things during the week:

1. Survivor
2. Friday morning internet checking and coffee sipping.

On Thursday nights, I really REALLY like to watch Survivor. It's the only television show I really watch regularly. The only one.

On Friday mornings, Punk likes to watch Curious George and Sid the Science Kid from 8-9am, and during that time, I catch up on e-mail and drink some coffee.

My television is broken. MY NEW FREAKING FANCY-PANTS LCD TELEVISION THAT I BOUGHT IN OCTOBER and haven't even finished paying for! No Survivor tonight!!! And what the hell am I going to do tomorrow!!??!?!?

Sulk.

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