judecorp: (ow)
In labor. Probably early labor. Hoping to hold out here until Punk goes to bed (so I can tuck her in) and then call the midwifery.

Ow.
judecorp: (pregnancy)
Hello!

That's all, just saying hello.

Tomorrow is 41 weeks and this child has no intentions of leaving my body. I'm starting to forget that we're actually supposed to have a baby - like this is just my body and I'm not pregnant, just really big in the middle. It is kind of surreal. This is my third week off work which is really stressful because I don't want my baby to be that young when he has to go to child care. :(

I had a biophysical profile yesterday and everything was perfect, so I guess he's just comfortable in there. He's not in a great position for birth at all (laying against my right side, feet pressing into my left hip, face up) and nothing I have done has moved him at all. He has been in this position since at least my 20 week ultrasound. And I have enough fluid so he's just floating along in there. If he's like Punk, he won't engage until my water breaks... too bad it's not happening.

I made an acupuncture appointment for tomorrow and while I don't really believe in acupuncture, I feel like I have to try SOMEthing else to move this baby and make things happen. Otherwise the plan is that they will induce labor at 42 weeks - which would mean Thanksgiving weekend in the hospital and no help from Jen because Punker doesn't have school during that time.

We just wait and wait and wait.

Waiting

Nov. 9th, 2010 09:53 am
judecorp: (killing time)
Still here. Still pregnant.

It's gotten to the point where Punk is asking, "When is the baby going to come out?" because we had told her "after Halloween" and to a 3 year old, Halloween was like a million years ago.

It's been a million years for me, too.

I just wish something exciting was going on. I'm still sick/tired/weak so it's probably not the best time to be in labor or whatever but I want to meet this baby already!
judecorp: (never used to cry)
Today is 39w4d, which is the day I had Punk. I really thought it would have happened by now, what with all of that talk about how subsequent babies come later, and this guy always measured ahead. Aah well, joke's on me. By this time today with Punk, I was nearly in transition. Not so much today.

Cut for dramatic whining. )
judecorp: (boy penises)
I haven't posted here in a million years. Don't worry, no baby yet.

Things are chugging along. Yesterday was my last day of work until March 1st. I bet that will come around quickly. I am trying not to think about it. Or about not getting paid until March. (Whoops.) It will be a lean Christmas around here, which is probably for the best since I don't like all of the commercialism anyway.

Things are moving smoothly through this pregnancy. 38w now, haven't had a speck of a complication, knock on wood. BP is fantastic, weight is up to a scary number but in reality is only 20lbs up. I've just never been this heavy before. Looking for a milk donor, hoarding formula checks and samples. There is a crib in our house again. That's weird. Kid has been riding the 55th percentile forever, so I'm guessing he's set to be Joe Average Baby. It still seems big to me though because Punk was always teeny, in the 20s as a fetus and newborn. She had cord and placenta stuff though. Who knows?

Punk is a very big girl who is excited to be a big sister and is more excited to go to preschool. She loves school, loves the kids at school, and has made some friends. She has picked up some annoying 3 year old habits and I'm sure it's extra hard for her these days because my mobility is non-existent and my patience (and energy) is thin. This too shall pass.

We have bits and pieces of baby stuff in the house now - a swing is set up in the living room, the crib is in the baby/guest room, and we are collecting stuff. We'll set up the PnP in the bedroom soon, I'd imagine, and then we'll be done for a while. We should probably get some newborn/size 1 diapers because the pockets will be too big and bulky. Last time we borrowed a lot of infant prefolds which were a godsend, but we lost our hookup. :) Gotta wash bottles and get those ready also. There's gonna be a baby up in here!

Happy Halloween, everyone. Punk and Jen are trick-or-treating at the library right now and then we will run a bajillion errands. Can't wait to see all the kiddies in their costumes tomorrow. :) Have a great one!
judecorp: (knocked up)
I have the weirdest, roundest basketball belly ever.

34w6d

34w6d. 35 weeks tomorrow. I wish this baby would drop some because he is SO far up my ribcage it is not even funny. I am exhausted. Working is hard. Preschool drop-off/pick-up sandwiching working is harder. Running all the post-preschool errands and then making dinner and cleaning the house is damned near impossible. Tonight I was standing on a rickety folding chair to change the battery in the smoke alarm down in the basement and I thought I was going to fall to my big, round, death.

I am at the end of my rope.

Break-out

May. 2nd, 2010 01:30 pm
judecorp: (Default)
I went to church with the rest of my family, and then out to lunch. It was good to get out. Very very good. Except that EVERYBODY seemed to know. Aah well, the joys of Facebook. At least they mean well. :)

There was some sort of duet sung about being carried by prayer and lifted up and all of that spiritual good stuff, and it took a whole lot of effort to sit through it without bawling.

I am very thankful to and for everyone who has worked to pull us through this week. Going back to work tomorrow. A little nervous, but also eager for normalcy.

p.s. I love nap time. And the idea of having two kids.
judecorp: (knocked up)
I managed to earn myself another week off from work, thanks to a very scary situation that may or may not be resolved. This is kind of a bummer coming off the heels of school vacation week, because I only get paid for what I bill, which means if I don't go to work, I don't get squat. I only saw 4 kids on Monday due to wonky scheduling and had the bulk of my clients yesterday, today, and tomorrow, when I will be here, on the couch.

I am not very good at sitting on the couch, though. I already am itching to do the dishes and clean up some stuff, and I want to go outside! Also, I would really like to be at work making money.

Hopefully I will be cleared to go to work next week. Cross your fingers!
judecorp: (i am stupid)
I have been wide awake since 5:59am, but I guess that's what happens when you go to bed at 8:30 the night before. I was so ridiculously tired all day yesterday and just couldn't hold out any longer. I am getting all of these stupidly annoying pregnancy headaches and tylenol doesn't really do anything for headaches so they just grate on me until they go away. Good times. Also, I have the major, major food aversions and don't want to eat anything. Unless it is spontaneously something I want to eat, I feel full and can't eat anything. Dinner is the worst - I walk around the kitchen looking for something to make for dinner and then when it is all cooked, I watch Jen and Punk eat it and I just... can't. Sad. I'm sure that's not helping my energy level at all, but when I force myself to eat, I feel crappy afterward. Booooooo.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day and I feel like a schmuck for spending most of it inside, especially since today is gray and dreary. We did get out briefly to go to Tasty Top (ice cream stand) with Becki, although that was bittersweet. We ordered Punk her own cone for the first time there and of course she was in heaven, and then ran around with some other little girl who was there and then Becki was doing a lot of holding her upside down and tickling her. And guess what happened when we got home? Yep, she threw up. All over herself and the living room floor while sitting on the potty (I was hoping the potty was the reason she said her stomach hurt). So instead of going out to play we ended up doing bath, early pajamas, watching tv for a while, and sipping juice and water. She hasn't puked again (*knock wood*) and is sleeping well tonight/this morning, so I hope it was just a fluke. Yuck.

She was really sad about it. This was the first time she has thrown up since she was under two and it's like she has a whole new knowledge about it. She looked at me sadly and said, "I frowed up," as we pulled her clothes off, and later in the evening when she got the hiccups she said, "The frow ups are coming again," in this sad little voice. She gets these really violent hiccups and I wonder if she's still got some reflux going on.

I hear a little person stirring who is whining about her belly hurting and needing a cold drink, so maybe I spoke too soon. Adios.

So

Apr. 5th, 2010 08:24 pm
judecorp: (knocked up)
I'm totally eight and a half weeks pregnant right now.

We were one hit wonders and I can't even believe it. I am in serious denial, probably because it happened so quickly.

We've had two great scans - one at 6w2d and one at 8w2d - everything looks perfect and nothing wonky is happening.

Watch this space for Punk2.0 in November!

Sploosh!

Jun. 30th, 2008 08:45 pm
judecorp: (remember it)
A year ago today, I wrote this.

What a wild ride!!
judecorp: (downcast)
I don't talk about this too much because it's whiny and it's ugly, but every so often it rears its ugly head and I thought that perhaps if I wrote it out, it wouldn't bother me so much. I don't know.

I was putting the baby down for a nap and got to thinking, again, about all of this muscle tone business and how the PT suggested we see a neurologist. I really don't want Punk to see a neurologist because it's very likely the neurologist will want to do an MRI, and to do an MRI on an infant you have to sedate her. You know, because you can't just tell a baby, "Don't move." And I really don't want Punk to be sedated or put under. It scares me.

But there's also more. So she has an MRI and then what? Then does the neurologist start talking about cerebral palsy? Does it go beyond the world of doing some stretches and hoping for the best, of water therapy and infant massage? Does it become something bigger?

After a while it all just lumps together in my mind: the reflux, that weird mystery rash way back, the formula intolerance, the delays. It always comes back to the same place - my uterus. My uterus, which wasn't able to sustain both of our babies. My uterus, which generated a small placenta and thin umbilical cord for Punk. At the time, it was a casual mention, "Oh, you had a small placenta and a really thin cord." As if it was no big deal. But now I think, 'Did Punk get less oxygen or nutrients because of her small placenta or her thin cord?' Or I think, 'It took a minute to get her breathing and they talked about giving her some blow-by before she got it together. Is that when it happened? Is that what ruined her muscle tone?'

And then that's when I start thinking that maybe I /should/ think about an MRI. Because maybe the MRI would be normal and I could stop beating myself up and concentrate on stretching out my daughter's hips/legs/knees/ankles so that she can function normally in the big world. Or maybe it wouldn't be normal and I would spend my whole life wondering why my body would lose one child and break the other. Maybe I asked for all of this by overriding nature with ovulation inducers, you know? Maybe I just tempted fate a little too much.

It doesn't matter to me, personally, if my daughter has delays or has to work harder or whatever. But it DOES matter to me that I may have somehow caused this for her.
judecorp: (think of me)
(Technically this isn't something I never blog about, but it has been a while.) It's a three-fer!!

1. Can you tell me more about your gender identity and how it has evolved, particularly before/during/after pregnancy, but also in the time period before you ever started the "being a mama" process?

2. For awhile there, most likely hormonal changes and stuff you were getting to be a little "girlie" and I don't mean that as negative, but you let your hair grow out more and wore more dresses, etc... I remember you posting a lot that you felt very gender neutral like not one way or the other (which is kind of how I remember you, btw). Anyhow, I recall you posting about these differences and you hadn't mentioned in awhile, how do you feel now-a-days. Are you back to your neutral self or do you still feel more lady-like?

3. Ok- a question about your hair... I have seen some hott pics of your hair in different states- you look uber sexy with a buzz, but then, I have seen that beautiful (and girly) pic of you in a swanky dress with girly hair! I know that you identify as all over the map, but can you explain the huge variance in your spectrum? Are there days when you feel like being super girly, and then days where you feel like being super- um, un-girly?

Oh, and did the birth of August change the way you felt about your gender-identity?


Hormones are very powerful things, my friends.

One of the things I learned when I was doing all of the tests for PCOS was that I had elevated testosterone. This is not at all uncommon in people with PCOS. In fact, other that the elevated testosterone, my hormones were all really, really low. Which is apparently why I never even got close to ovulating. Which is why I didn't have polycystic ovaries. (Which is why doc #2 said I didn't have PCOS. Go doc #3!) But I digress. I am a very happy person with elevated testosterone and little other hormone action. No cycling. No mood swings. No unexpected bleeding. No crazy zit attacks.

Taking fertility meds definitely changed a lot of things for me, and most of them were not positive. I really didn't like not being even-keeled and mellow, and I didn't like the ups and downs of cycling. I didn't like having boob pain and I didn't like breaking out every month. I didn't like spontaneously crying. I /did/ like losing a ton of weight. BUT. Losing weight changed my entire body shape.

When I lost all of that weight, I needed new clothes, especially pants. Before I lost weight, I predominantly wore men's pants. After I lost weight, men's pants looked silly and fit poorly. I needed to buy women's pants. Which fit AWESOME. But they all had that 'cut,' you know? Low rise, tight at the knees, flare at the bottom. In other words, they were 'how YOU doin'?' pants. Even if they were camo cargo pants, they were GIRLY camo cargo pants.

I started to realize that having boy hair and girly-girl pants looked REALLY stupid. So I let my hair grow for a bit, encouraged by [livejournal.com profile] vlindinhauer, who did great hair. I also realized that wearing boy shirts and girly-girl pants looked stupid, too. So I got girly shirts (which are all tight! wtf?). And what can I say? I make a cute girl, as far as girls go. But a few things happened: 1) I started getting a LOT of attention from guys, especially strangers, and 2) I got pregnant and people started treating me like "the little woman." I effing hated it. Especially when I used to pass as a guy sometimes.

In a perfect world, I'd like to sort of be able to float between both worlds - boy when I want to be, girl when I want to be. I don't mind when people can't tell. I don't mind if I get 'sir, uhh... ma'am' action. I don't mind if people assume I'm queer. (I found that I do mind a little bit when people assume I'm not. I guess I'm not used to that.)

I gained back all of the weight I lost during pregnancy and I haven't been able to shake it. But the changes to my body shape have not gone away. My boobs, which were already lopsided (one just under an A and the other just over a B) got even MORE lopsided with nursing since I only had milk ducts on the right side of my right boob (now a C) which makes me hate them more and makes me more inclined to bind them. But I haven't, mostly because my body is tired and out of shape and craptastic and I don't really care what I look like these days.

I'm glad I cut my hair off, though. It was cute, and I looked pretty hot (I would have totally done me), but it felt funny. I loved the feeling of being pregnant, and I loved my big belly full of baby, but I hated being treated like a pregnant woman. I hated people assuming I was 'uncomfortable,' offering to carry things for me or pump my gas, assuming I was hotter than someone else on a hot day. I hated butch women giving Jen a high-five because I was pregnant, yet ignoring me. I hated never being able to pass, not even a little. And while I loved nursing, I hate my boobs.

I do see myself as a mama, a birthing mama, which I suppose is female at its very core. But I still don't feel like a woman. Heck, if Punk wanted to call me 'daddy' or 'baba,' I would be totally cool with that, even though she came out of my body.

I think the weirdest thing about being girly for a year or two was how I was treated so differently. I was the same person all along but my life with others was SO different. I'm glad to be rid of that. For now. Who knows? I could always switch it up again. (But I kinda doubt it.)

I don't feel like I answered everything, or that I was particularly coherent. Feel free to keep asking.

Pics. )
judecorp: (i'm special)
One year ago today, I wrote this:

Had IUI today. Most painful one yet. I guess she had a tough time getting the catheter in. (Ouch) Had cramps and spotting. Suck.

It was the one and only IUI that Jen didn't come with. It was her first day at her new job in Amherst, and she couldn't really punk out.

It was also the one that worked.

Happy Conception Day, Little Punkeroo!

~//~

p.s. It's National Coming Out Day. That's right, my kid was conceived on NCOD. Heh.
judecorp: (top of the world)

DSCN1552
Originally uploaded by kieron17
August Ruth
07-01-07, 1:15pm
6lbs 11oz, 19" long
100% cute

Someday I will get around to writing our birth story. Apparently it was the talk of the birth center for DAYS. We're famous! It's nice to know that when your midwife and your labor nurse and your doula have been doing this for years and years and years, you can still shake 'em up! You know I like to be a trend-setter.

We don't sleep, our house is a disaster, and it's all okay.

Thanks to everyone for all of their comments and excitement!
judecorp: (knocked up)
So it's 3:30. I actually tried to be a good do-bee around 12am and get some rest. Except, umm, I can't sleep.

At all.

Whenever I think I can get some sleep, I get some pain and then... yep, can't sleep again.

Jen is totally snoring away in there and part of me is envious and part of me just wants to smack her. ;) I think I'm going to try one of those contraction counters or something to pass some time.

It's just so frustrating because I /want/ to go to sleep but I /can't/. ARGH!

Umm...

Jun. 30th, 2007 11:31 pm
judecorp: (knocked up)
My water totally broke. You know, just like in the movies. Out of nowhere.

SPLOOSH!


No contractions, no nothing. Waiting for a call from the People In Charge.
judecorp: (let's stay inside)
Another hot and sticky one over here. I had plans to clean the bathroom but it was just too stickynastygross to really feel like I cleaned anything, so instead I was a total lump. I sat in the living room under the ceiling fan in my pajamas until after lunch, and then showered the grime away. It was that kind of shower where you try to dry off after and you just can't because it's too wet. Ew.

Because it was so disgustingly sticky, I broke our "no eating out" rule and told Jen that we should go to the mall for a couple of hours and take advantage of their air conditioning. So we ate at the mall and then walked the mall for an hour in the hopes of "making things happen." Yeah, nothing happened except that I also broke our "we will walk the mall but not buy anything" rule, too. Sigh. So then when we got home I had a major freak-out about money. I HATE MONEY! But we did get in an hour of walking, which felt good.

We had about two minutes of wimpy rain this evening so it looks like we won't get a break tonight for sure. Poo. At least we have the bedroom a/c, which is lovely lovely lovely. Right now I think the little one-room a/c is the best choice for us - most of the time the house is cool enough to deal with the ceiling fan, and we'll be spending hardcore time in the bedroom in not too long.

[livejournal.com profile] hopemcg and [livejournal.com profile] meglett sent us a travel first aid kit and a studly-looking backpack diaper bag, which we received today. So awesome and a total surprise! THANKS GUYS!!

Funniest thing - the last couple of days I'd noticed that the house seemed to get hotter after I turned on the ceiling fan, but I thought I was imagining things. Last night I was bouncing on the ball and realized that when I was under the fan, I didn't feel any air. I told Jen I thought that the fan was spinning the wrong way and she was dubious at first, but flipped the switch for me and HOLY BIG DIFFERENCE, BATMAN! Yay!

Rain forecasted for tomorrow and a visit from Melis. (Yay!) Friday is supposed to be simply gorgeous, weather-wise.
judecorp: (g'nap!)
I have been taking the same stinking prenatal vitamins since we started TTC, which was a long time ago. It works, it doesn't bother my stomach, it doesn't smell bad, and it's cheap.

I have spent the whole month trying to refill my prescription, which has been on back order for apparently the last million years. I have now been given every last pill in the pharmacy, and there is no sign of a shipment, and they believe it's been discontinued. They suggested that I call my doctor's office and have them call in a different vitamin so I can avoid the hassle.

I called CVS this morning just to make sure it had been called in (I'm out of magic pills) and the pharmacist just told me that they called in some ridiculously expensive brand name vitamin that has a copay of $30! Okay, that's highway robbery - my last vitamin was $8.

The pharmacist was super nice, though, and said he would call the doctor office to see if they would switch to a cheaper vitamin. Gosh, I hope so. I just wish I could get my OLD vitamins, dang it!!!

Grr.
judecorp: (jude jen dressy)
Our day of doing nothing was a complete success. I didn't take a shower until after 4pm. I got up at 8:30, ate breakfast, then got back into bed with Jen for a while. Then we sat around like sloths and watched some television - we caught the two episodes of "Top Chef" that we missed. Jen made me lunch, and we sat around some more, then did some more nothing.

Eventually we took showers, got some dinner, and went to the movies. We sneaked DQ Blizzards into the theatre - awesome. We saw Knocked Up. It wasn't as terrible as it could have been. Although some air conditioning would have been nice.

I don't know why I let Jen talk me into going to Chili's for dinner. I freaking hate the food at Chili's. Oh well. Half of the big Jehovah's Witness convention was there for dinner and the place was PACKED.

Also, people apparently love to stare at you when you dare to go out in public with a big, round belly. Or maybe just when you walk around like big old queers? I don't know.

The end.

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