judecorp: (my sunshine)
Is this thing still on? Does anyone hang out here anymore?

Life goes on and time is flying around here. My big girl will be four years old a week from today and I can't even believe it. How can it be FOUR YEARS since I delivered that tiny baby girl? I felt like such a rock star that day, powering through that labor and delivery. That was four years ago? Amazing. Punk is such a smart, sassy little thing and she has already developed a four year old's attitude. She completed her first year of preschool and learned a lot of things, including the life cycle of a frog, the water cycle, and about crazy things like archipelagos and isthmuses. Amazing.

My sweet baby boy is seven months old, has two teeth, and is learning to crawl. It's almost time to bring up the baby gates, and I've already had to start hiding some things. I don't think I'm ready for him to fully crawl; we haven't had a baby-proofed house in so long! He sits up like a champ and loves to play with his little toys, his hair is adorable baby chicken hair, he yells and squeals and blows raspberries and shouts DA DA DA DA DA at me (while I say back, "MA MA MA MA MA MA.")

We're in the swing of summer vacation and survived our first week. Life is exhausting with two children, one of whom doesn't really like to sleep, doesn't like pureed baby foods but chokes and gags on finger foods. I get very little, very broken sleep and have a preschooler who doesn't nap. We've instituted "rest time" and that has gone well this week, but the weather has sucked so no burning energy at the park or backyard. Booooooo.

What is going on with you guys?
judecorp: (motherhood)
I feel like a rockstar this afternoon. With the baby in the sling, I prepped and cooked a chili. As in: opened all the cans of sauce/puree, drained and rinsed the beans, browned two pounds of ground meat, chopped a pepper and an onion, added spices, and stirred the whole thing up in a crock pot. Not too shabby for one and a half free hands and a sling full of baby.

I also felt like evil mom an hour or so later when I asked Punk to pick up her crayons and markers that had fallen on the floor, and instead found her on the floor in a circle of markers coloring on her hands and her pants. But rather than killing her, I sent her to bed and she fell asleep, so maybe I'm still Super Mom after all. ;)

For a brief time, I have two sleeping children and that is enough to be the best New Year's Eve ever. I guess I have low expectations. ;)

Happy Incoming 2011, y'all. I do hope you will join me in saying "Two thousand eleven" rather than "Twenty eleven" because it sounds so much better.

Goal for the new year is "organization." We're two working moms with two busy kids and I think that if I/we don't get organized, we're going to keep slipping into chaos. And I can't speak for Jen, but when things get chaotic in the house, I get chaotic internally and then everything's all messed up. And really, I'm tired of that. So I need everything organized: the house, the schedule, the chores, the finances, the relationship. When you're so short on time and energy, maybe everything has to be planned. I really hope Jen is on board, because it's something I think I really need to try in order to stay on top of things mentally.

xo and see you next year, the year my LJ turns TEN.
judecorp: (blah!)
I am always amused by "all or nothing" ideals, especially about parenting which is NEVER all or nothing. And I am endlessly amused by the "attachment parenting" community on LJ.

Did you know that you can't really be an attached parent if you don't breastfeed? And that an attached parent always keeps the baby in the sling instead of the baby bucket?

I'd love to see one of these "attached parent gurus" pull the newborn baby out of the bucket which is in the warm car, shove him in a sling, walk him up to the preschool for the 5 minute preschool drop-off/pick-up, then cram him BACK into the bucket for the drive home, instead of leaving him sleeping inside his warm little bucket and putting him back without him even knowing he was in a preschool.

But what do I know? My kid drinks out of a bottle so we're not bonded anyway.

/snark
judecorp: (motherhood)
It has been quite convenient to have a stay-at-home parent this past week or so, I have to say. Except for the part about not making any money.

The dishes are always done, the laundry is caught up, the beds all have freshly-laundered sheets. The clogged drain is unclogged, the house is stocked with food, and fresh hot meals are usually prepared every day. We don't have to worry about Punk eating a bunch of toddler junk or watching too much television (although she does still like to watch!). Doctor appointments gets made and kept, Punk's 3 year appointments are already taken care of, an allergy appointment is scheduled for next month, and most of the birthday party prep is already complete. And Punk is happy, happy, happy! (Case in point: today, after blowing me about 287389279832 kisses from the back of the car, she said, "Mama, I am giving you a LOT of kisses. Because it's I Love You Day.")

And then there are life's little emergencies, like when we realized last night that Jen's car needed to be inspected by Wednesday. Got that done this morning, after running to the store to order Punk's birthday cake for the party. Check and check.

The bathroom still needs to be cleaned and the rugs need to be vacuumed, but after stripping and making the beds, the heat has gotten the better of me. Maybe this evening. Maybe tomorrow.

Punk and I will be babysitting a friend's baby (I think he's 9 months old?) on Thursdays for the summer starting this Thursday. I'm a little nervous about how it will play out (will Punk trash their house? will she drive me bonkers? will she nap?) but a little bit of extra cash is always good, too.

You can just call me Super Mama!
judecorp: (cooler than you)
Today I feel like SuperMom. Not bad for my first day back at work after a week of sloth.

I stayed at work until 3, then drove to the office to take care of some paperwork and schedule with my supervisor, then went to pick up Punk. (Who, by the way, is now wearing underwear to day care. !!!!) We came home and I read approximately 98943890123890 issues of Babybug and Wild Animal Baby. I then set her up with a huge stack of Sesame Street books and went to make some dinner. In between I also did a load of laundry. Punk likes to "help" with folding, and she matches all the socks.

It wasn't the most amazing dinner - some cubed and sauteed chicken, cheesy rice (using up some of that velveeta left over from the SuperBowl), and some leftover vegetables - but it was tasty and filling and not terrible. I procured some applesauce for the toddler and put the leftover food away for Jen and rinsed out the dishes.

After dinner I let her watch the Veggie Tales video we borrowed from the library while having some snuggle time, and then we did bath and then bed prep. While running the bath, I also emptied her laundry hamper and wiped up some sort of spill/leak on the bathroom floor that I believe is coming from the diaper sprayer. Now the child is in bed (though I doubt she is sleeping, she IS quiet at present), I did another round of Laundry Switcheroo, and am now about to indulge in a little internet and eating of PEZ.

Somewhere in there I also realized that I forgot to pick up my prescription this afternoon, so I managed to convince a former coworker to pick it up at the hospital pharmacy and then - get this - drive it to Jen at work. All while cutting up chicken and switching out laundry.

SuperMom.
judecorp: (motherhood)
If ever there were to be an image to signify my life, this would be it:

Punker and Me


Thanks, Auntie Gretchen!
judecorp: (motherhood)
For three days a week, I life out my greatest fantasies. And then, for the other four... not so much. But especially around this time of year, and especially /this/ year, some parts of my life are exactly the way they're supposed to be, because I'm finally some little person's mama. I'm quite sure I dreamed my whole life about these moments.

Oh sure, I've been a mama for 2.5 years now, but this year, THIS holiday season, I'm the mama of a kid who "gets it." She is holiday crazy and it is /perfect/. Holiday life with a toddler is the most amazing thing in the entire universe.

On Friday evening, my child got a visit from her grandparents on Jen's side, and as usual, she charmed the pants off of them and they filled her to the brim with Disney merchandise. Which, by the way, she is in love with. On Saturday, we took her to the mall to get her holiday portraits done, and she was so awesome about it, and so charming and adorable, that they were super and we ended up ordering the overly pricey photo cards from them (instead of making our own) because the pictures were just THAT cute. While at the mall, the grandparents proceeded to buy her more licensed merchandise.

But oh! She has the holiday spirit for sure. We have written a letter to Santa. We have discussed what she wants Santa to bring her. (A "crown and shoes.") We have sat on Mall Santa's lap and she delighted him with her excitement and her wishes. My SIL has provided us with an "Elf on the Shelf" which has been named and loved and is looked for every morning. We have purchased a plate specifically to leave Santa some cookies and milk. Every drive through town in the evening is brought with a chorus of, "Mama! Pretty lights! More pretty lights!" It is a good time.

This morning I took my little child to the post office to put her letter to Santa in the special Santa mailbox. (Our town is so cheeseball and I love every second.) And in that moment, every piece of my heart was whole. This is exactly what I was meant to do, and I could do it 10 times more.

If only I didn't have that stupid job.
judecorp: (motherhood)
FYI, this is why I totally always wanted to have kids:

preschool show 2009

It's just... oh, I don't know. It just is. It's everything I ever imagined and more.
judecorp: (baby feet)
Punk was having a heck of a time settling down for nap this afternoon. It's probably because of the low-key morning we had due to the heat, the humidity, and the fact that I needed to bring my car in for scheduled maintenance. Not enough exercise and all that. So anyway, she was an absolute toddler wreck at lunch time (deliberately being a rascal) and did not fall asleep at naptime, and in fact carried on for about an hour and 15 minutes playing, knocking around, talking, whatever. I went in once with the Voice of Doom but all that bought me was 20 minutes of quiet before the carrying on resumed.

At about 1:20 I tried a different tactic, went in there, scooped her up with me in the rocking chair, wrapped her up in a blanket, and rocked. Rocked like we haven't rocked in about 7 months. She tried to play at first, but I let her know that the rocking chair was for sleeping with Mama and if she wasn't sleeping, she was going back in the crib alone. And we rocked, in the A/C (glorious!).

It was such a blast from the past, rocking with my baby girl, looking through a sliver of open eye to see her start blinking, then more blinking, then the long blinks, and then out like a light. For a few moments I got to hold her there, like a baby instead of an ornery little girl, stroking her hand and kissing the top of her head.

Sometimes every kid needs a little Mama.
judecorp: (rubber duckie)
We spent the day at Sesame Place in Pennsylvania and holy crap, it was like every parenting fantasy rolled into one. I could have busted out into huge mama tears while we were at the million dollar "Dinner with Big Bird and Friends" toddlergasm. Punk was just beside herself with happiness and was dancing, waving, hugging characters, asking them questions. "Ernie, why you have stripes?" "Elmo, why your mouth black?" She fed Cookie Monster some broccoli and he was nice enough to indulge her and pretend to eat it. And the food was actually decent, too.

I also spent a billion dollars on an Abby Cadabby doll. "No, Mama, I want the BIG Abby Dadaddy!" Did you know that you get a 30% discount on everything if you have a Season Pass? Did you know that I got complimentary Season Pass upgrades from our hotel package? Did you know that my kid was over the moon when we went to a show with Abby AND Elmo AND Grover AND Cookie Monster AND Rosita?

Right now, the only thing that is bothering me is that it's been in the 90s at home (just like it is here, HOT) and I'm worried about my cats. They're smart enough to hang out in the basement, right? That's where the food, water, and litter boxes are. And our old couch. They'll stay down there to stay cool, right? God, I hope so.

I spent my entire life imagining the day when I have children. Let me tell you, it is so much better than I ever imagined. She is everything.
judecorp: (sad baby)
Random hysterical crying last night? Check.
Terrible night of sleep? Check.
Fever in the morning? Check.
Sobbing on the mama at diaper time? Check.

Moms' diagnosis of ear infection: Correct.

~//~
Two hours of sleep for me, one from 11-12, and another from 4-5. Jen and I are splitting the day home with Punk. I got the 'pediatrician walk-in hours, pharmacy run, hydrate and feed kid' shift, and will go to work when Jen comes around noon. Until after 7. Late night at work on two hours of broken sleep. There is not enough coffee in the world.

Aaah, the glamourous life of a mama.
judecorp: (me and gus)
I love seeing her little mind working. It is such an amazing thing. I enjoy watching clients learn new things, but since I only see them week to week (or less), I don't get the full effect. Watching Punk, I see that things just happen - suddenly, randomly - or that they've happened somehow under my nose.

I find it so awesome that a little person who has a couple of handfuls of words can understand everything. And I do mean everything. She understands things I didn't even know she knew! Case in point, I often ask her to go and get a particular book. Usually I do this when she has made me read the latest issue of Babybug so many times that I'm ready to kick Kim and Carrots right out the window, but sometimes for fun. I first tried it with Hey, Wake Up! because that is a particular fave of hers, but I have been adding to the list of books I ask for.

This evening, as we were winding down, I told her to "get the underwear book." Now the book in question is actually called Underwear Do's and Don'ts but I don't know that I've ever said that to her - I typically just jump right in. ("Do have lots of different kinds of underwear. Don't wear them all at once.") I fully expected her to look at me, confused. But no, she flipped through the books on the shelf and emerged with the underwear book in hand.

I am fascinated by this little creature and watching her mind expand with every waking (and sleeping) moment. She used to be a tiny baby content to blink and coo. Today she is an active little person who can "throw the diaper in the trash," "go to the bath," "pick up that book off the floor," "put the toys away," and find 'the underwear book' in a bin of at least 30 books.

Today she is 16 months old.
judecorp: (motherhood)
Jen is taking teacher certification tests all day, so Punk and I are riding solo. (Well, I guess we can't be solo if we're together, but you know.) It's been a pretty chill day considering Ms. Punk is a veritable drool factory and some tooth/teeth is/are on the horizon, looming. She's got a big bulge on her bottom right side that I originally thought was a molar but now think might be a canine, and she's got something on the top left that I think is trying to drop in as well. She doesn't let me in her mouth enough to know what's up on the other side. But she's been requiring near-constant cosleeping these days and has been pretty restless, although last night was better.

This morning we took a long walk down to downtown E'ton. The original plan (once I got going) was to walk to this cute little Cafe Ralphine that I have never checked out, maybe get a little iced coffee and split a muffin with Punk before walking back. Except that when we got there it was 8:30 and they didn't open until 9, so we walked back. I can't believe she spent an hour in the stroller with no fuss - NEVER happens. Usually I get around the corner from my house before she makes noise to get out. Maybe it was the busy roads, no idea. Either way, when we got back it was hot and humid, and we were sweaty and did not have a muffin. Sad. Also, whatever I was thinking when I walked for an hour in flip flops was way off base. Aah well.

Got home, got her down for a morning nap (her predictable hour), ate a little breakfast, put diapers in the dryer, fun fun times. When she got up, I thought about taking her somewhere, perhaps for lunch, but decided against it and instead we have had a lazy day at home, playing and laughing a lot and just being goofy in general. Punk has taken to putting things on her head which cracks us both up, and she did a lot of good playing with the shape sorter, ring stacker, and blocks (I am determined to teach her to stack blocks). She also threw a lot of toys and drooled like a faucet. Fun!

Lunch was a little stressful thanks to Little Miss Throwing-Food-Is-Fun. Man, I wish I had a dog so I didn't have to waste time in my life trying to sweep up couscous and green beans and lentils. We also had fun letting her spoon-feed herself some applesauce; she is way into trying to spoon-feed these days. A little more playing and then the afternoon nap, which gave me time to make some lunch (yay!). I made a box of mac and cheese and slipped some into a container for her dinner. She will be pleasantly surprised.

I sent Jen a text message somewhere around 10:30 or 11am. I know that she can't have her phone on during the tests but I also know there was a break in between so I'm not really sure what is up. I haven't heard anything from her since she left around 7am.
judecorp: (i am stupid)
Man, it was hot this weekend. I'm sure everyone is saying that. :)

Our hot weekend was full of parties. It was a good time, I must say. Yesterday we all went as a fam to a party held by one of my coworkers. It was a sort of combo housewarming and graduation party for her son. It was a little, shall we say, more urban than most of the parties we attend. But we had a good time, and Punk loved dancing to all of the reggaeton blasting, and she loved loved loved watching the other kids play ball. Some of them (age 4 and 5) were incredibly sweet and kept offering her the (very dirty) ball so she could play with it, and when Coworker Iris gave Punk a balloon she was pretty much in heaven.

It was sticky hot, and my crazy baby was rocking out and getting sweaty. She started out in this froo-froo all matching Gymboree outfit (matching hat, shirt, shorts, and socks) and by the end of it she was wearing her shirt and a diaper. Heh. And she was covered in yellow rice and peas, which was all she would eat. And one of the guys there kept really pushing us to give her some "juice" (you know what I'm talking about, like Hawaiian Punch stuff) and we kept telling him that she already had some juice (she had a sippy of water) and he kept going on and on until finally I gave her a sip from my cup of "juice" and she spit it out. Smart baby! But she spit it out on her shirt and it was bright orange and we had to use stain stuff to get it out. Ha ha ha.

They didn't really know what to do with the whitey-white queers at the party but everyone was very nice (overly nice) and Punk is always a big hit wherever we go so it was fine. She loves to dance and hey, who doesn't like to see a baby dance? I mean, really. And then we left, while semi-intoxicated "juice" pusher dude kept shaking our hands and saying, "If you ever need anything, you call me," over and over. So I told him that he could call me if he needed something, too.

Aside from my coworker telling her grandson (age 4) that he couldn't wear the bandana on his head because it "made him look like a faggot," I'd say we successfully integrated. Heh!

~//~

Today was Punk's first party that she was invited to. It was with the gang of moms and babies I used to hang with at the support group at the hospital, and was because one of the families is moving to Michigan. (SAD!) I hadn't really been able to hang with the gang for a long while because of work and looking for work and all of that, so I was excited to see all of the big babies and get to see the moms and dads. They are all super nice and everyone was excited to see Punk and talk about how big she is (true) and how cute she is (of course true) and were asking about work and everything. Maybe they even missed me! I think we will have to have a weekend cook-out/baby pool party or something soon.

I really like this gang because there isn't really a lot of Mommy Competition in our group. Kids were doing all different things and everyone was just excited for everyone's kids, and it's nice. One of the moms commented on how happy Punk is now and asked if it was from crawling/being mobile, and I said probably that and losing the reflux all at the same time. But it was like a huge flashback about how miserable my kid used to be and how stressful it was to go anywhere because she was always crying or puking or freaking out. I seriously don't even remember those days unless I put in the effort to think about it, which is nice.

I guess they're right about how you get New Baby Amnesia after a while. Otherwise no one would ever have more than one kid.
judecorp: (jude & jen)
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary (which is always bittersweet because it means my dad's death anniversary is right around the corner, since he died right after we got married) and I took Jen to this restaurant near our house called Tavern On the Hill which is (duh) up on this big hill and it looks out over the whole valley. The weather was gorgeous and the view was gorgeous and I meant to bring my camera which of course means that I forgot it. Damn. I took a picture of the view with my phone but that hardly matters.

Luka and Clara hung out with Punk for two hours while we were out and it was cute talking to them when we got home, because Luka was all, "We're JUST getting around to eating now," and "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to clean up from dinner because things were crazy," and "Oops, I left the dirty diaper in the baby's room," and I a) remembered those crazy days of new parenting when everything felt like juggling and b) felt damned proud of myself that things run pretty seamlessly around here most evenings unless something random happens.

So basically I've been married for three years and am a kick-ass mama. Not too shabby for a couple of hours out. :)
judecorp: (motherhood)
My first Mother's Day as a mama on the outside was good. Punk got me one of those cards that plays music and apparently the only one that says "mama" in it was this Boyz II Men song that is pretty awful, but the fact that Punk laughs and dances every time I open the card was enough to make me open it eleventy billion times. Now that song is in my head permanently. "Mamaaaaaa..." I also got cards from the cats, Jen, and my mom. Nice!

Punk and I went to visit my grandparents and had a great time. They are really enjoying her more now that she has quite a bit of personality and does fun things like wave, clap, and dance. I think it's easier for them to get into her when they're not worried about breaking her. My grandfather made lunch for us and even though it was just reheating some chicken and making some pasta to go with it, I am in awe that my 90 year old grandfather can still whip up a meal like nothing. I am really REALLY lucky that they are doing so well and I am spoiled by it. I don't ever want anything to happen to them and I don't EVER want to take them for granted. I love them so much, and I hope Punk does, too. I really want her to have a relationship with her great-grandparents even if for only a few years (though hopefully more!).

~//~

Because my mom is going to be staying with us this coming weekend for Punk's baptism, I am a cleaning fool. A (my ex) is also coming over tonight for dinner so the push is on for the house to be at LEAST presentable today and CLEEEEEEAN by the end of Wednesday. (Thursday I have Punk at home.) Jen cleaned a good part of the bathroom yesterday and I am hoping to finish it today. I have completely annihilated our bedroom and Punk's room, except for the fact that Punk's carpet needs to be steam cleaned. That's a project for another day and a steamer rental.

But our bedroom has clean sheets and the lighter bedspread, all of the furniture has been polished and dusted, Punk's books are all picked up, the rug is vacuumed, and everything is picked up. And Punk's room has a clean sheet as well, and has been vacuumed, the changing table is all cleaned, the bedtime books are cleaned up, the wipes are all made fresh, and I pulled out the humidifier because it is NASTY and is likely the reason I have woken up coughing for the last month. It needs to be bleached like woah.

Dishes are done, stove is clean, sinks are clean. Whee! Yesterday I also cleaned out the barbecue and swept the back deck.

Up next: eating, and then finish the kitchen, throw out the garbage, clean the bathroom sink, vacuum the guest room (which I cleaned last week) and the living room, and maybe organize the living room shelves if I get the time. (Doubtful.) I'm tired already. Argh! Oh, and I need to run to the store to find something to cook for A.

Tomorrow: iron curtains for the living room, do shelves if not done today, clean dining room floor and kitchen floor, wash diapers and laundry, pack up some of Punk's old toys, perhaps clean out spice cabinet and/or kinen closet. Also run to mall to pick up my new glasses.

Zonk.
judecorp: (think of me)
(Technically this isn't something I never blog about, but it has been a while.) It's a three-fer!!

1. Can you tell me more about your gender identity and how it has evolved, particularly before/during/after pregnancy, but also in the time period before you ever started the "being a mama" process?

2. For awhile there, most likely hormonal changes and stuff you were getting to be a little "girlie" and I don't mean that as negative, but you let your hair grow out more and wore more dresses, etc... I remember you posting a lot that you felt very gender neutral like not one way or the other (which is kind of how I remember you, btw). Anyhow, I recall you posting about these differences and you hadn't mentioned in awhile, how do you feel now-a-days. Are you back to your neutral self or do you still feel more lady-like?

3. Ok- a question about your hair... I have seen some hott pics of your hair in different states- you look uber sexy with a buzz, but then, I have seen that beautiful (and girly) pic of you in a swanky dress with girly hair! I know that you identify as all over the map, but can you explain the huge variance in your spectrum? Are there days when you feel like being super girly, and then days where you feel like being super- um, un-girly?

Oh, and did the birth of August change the way you felt about your gender-identity?


Hormones are very powerful things, my friends.

One of the things I learned when I was doing all of the tests for PCOS was that I had elevated testosterone. This is not at all uncommon in people with PCOS. In fact, other that the elevated testosterone, my hormones were all really, really low. Which is apparently why I never even got close to ovulating. Which is why I didn't have polycystic ovaries. (Which is why doc #2 said I didn't have PCOS. Go doc #3!) But I digress. I am a very happy person with elevated testosterone and little other hormone action. No cycling. No mood swings. No unexpected bleeding. No crazy zit attacks.

Taking fertility meds definitely changed a lot of things for me, and most of them were not positive. I really didn't like not being even-keeled and mellow, and I didn't like the ups and downs of cycling. I didn't like having boob pain and I didn't like breaking out every month. I didn't like spontaneously crying. I /did/ like losing a ton of weight. BUT. Losing weight changed my entire body shape.

When I lost all of that weight, I needed new clothes, especially pants. Before I lost weight, I predominantly wore men's pants. After I lost weight, men's pants looked silly and fit poorly. I needed to buy women's pants. Which fit AWESOME. But they all had that 'cut,' you know? Low rise, tight at the knees, flare at the bottom. In other words, they were 'how YOU doin'?' pants. Even if they were camo cargo pants, they were GIRLY camo cargo pants.

I started to realize that having boy hair and girly-girl pants looked REALLY stupid. So I let my hair grow for a bit, encouraged by [livejournal.com profile] vlindinhauer, who did great hair. I also realized that wearing boy shirts and girly-girl pants looked stupid, too. So I got girly shirts (which are all tight! wtf?). And what can I say? I make a cute girl, as far as girls go. But a few things happened: 1) I started getting a LOT of attention from guys, especially strangers, and 2) I got pregnant and people started treating me like "the little woman." I effing hated it. Especially when I used to pass as a guy sometimes.

In a perfect world, I'd like to sort of be able to float between both worlds - boy when I want to be, girl when I want to be. I don't mind when people can't tell. I don't mind if I get 'sir, uhh... ma'am' action. I don't mind if people assume I'm queer. (I found that I do mind a little bit when people assume I'm not. I guess I'm not used to that.)

I gained back all of the weight I lost during pregnancy and I haven't been able to shake it. But the changes to my body shape have not gone away. My boobs, which were already lopsided (one just under an A and the other just over a B) got even MORE lopsided with nursing since I only had milk ducts on the right side of my right boob (now a C) which makes me hate them more and makes me more inclined to bind them. But I haven't, mostly because my body is tired and out of shape and craptastic and I don't really care what I look like these days.

I'm glad I cut my hair off, though. It was cute, and I looked pretty hot (I would have totally done me), but it felt funny. I loved the feeling of being pregnant, and I loved my big belly full of baby, but I hated being treated like a pregnant woman. I hated people assuming I was 'uncomfortable,' offering to carry things for me or pump my gas, assuming I was hotter than someone else on a hot day. I hated butch women giving Jen a high-five because I was pregnant, yet ignoring me. I hated never being able to pass, not even a little. And while I loved nursing, I hate my boobs.

I do see myself as a mama, a birthing mama, which I suppose is female at its very core. But I still don't feel like a woman. Heck, if Punk wanted to call me 'daddy' or 'baba,' I would be totally cool with that, even though she came out of my body.

I think the weirdest thing about being girly for a year or two was how I was treated so differently. I was the same person all along but my life with others was SO different. I'm glad to be rid of that. For now. Who knows? I could always switch it up again. (But I kinda doubt it.)

I don't feel like I answered everything, or that I was particularly coherent. Feel free to keep asking.

Pics. )
judecorp: (cooler than you)
Days like today, I really feel like a superhero.

My day has gone like this:

Wake up with baby. Entertain baby while wife is in shower. Give baby medicine. Play with baby on floor. Feed baby breakfast. Clean up. Play with baby on floor. Give baby large bottle. Put baby down for nap. Put baby down again when she wakes up too soon. Do a load of laundry. Play with baby when she wakes up. Take a shower while baby entertains herself in bouncy seat in bathroom. Feed baby lunch. Clean and dress baby. Go to grocery store with baby. Bring baby in. Bring groceries in. Put groceries away. Reschedule EI appointment. Give baby large bottle. Eat lunch while baby is in doorway jumper. Talk to wife on phone. Check e-mail while baby plays on floor. Put baby down for nap. Do another load of laundry. Fold clothes. Have snack.

I like days like this - nice, predictable days when I've got my mama groove on, where I am in control of things and feel that "comfortable in my job" feeling instead of those first 3-6 months of a new job where you feel like a turd all the time because you don't know where to find the office supplies and you can't get a hang of the filing system. Now I am coasting through the office on autopilot and it's nice.

Sure there are wrenches along the way, especially on the nighttime sleeping front, but it's predictable and it's more to the point manageable. She is happy all day because everything is done for her in a nice, predictable, easy manner, and I am happy all day because she is happy all day and stuff gets done.

I don't want to go back to work because we have a good thing going, she and I. Too bad money doesn't grow on money trees in my backyard.
judecorp: (motherhood)
Punk had a banner day today.

We were looking for something cheap to do that wasn't the mall (dear God I hate the mall, please smite the mall) and after looking at the admission price for the butterfly exhibit thing ($12/person, ouch), we decided to go to the big Yankee Candle flagship store. What we didn't know is that they were having some sort of Winter Extravaganza event and it was PACKED. Like "stalk someone to their parking spot" packed.

We got to YC a lot later than we intended and I figured we would have an hour there, tops, before Punk had an exhausted meltdown. We went to the restaurant that is there (Chandler's) - whoops, there goes "cheap" - and for the first time ever, Punk sat in the restaurant high chair for the entire meal! I got to eat with TWO HANDS! She was amused with toys and oyster crackers which ended up on the floor and I realized, yep, we're "those people." Oh well. Then we went into the store.

She rode in the stroller a lot longer than I expected her to and was really enthralled by all of the stuff there. We sniffed a million candles and looked at all the other stuff (that place is crazy!) and when she got fussy in the stroller, I put her in the mei tai and she was good for a while more. I think two hours went by before I realized we should really feed here ASAP as she was likely to crash out hard in the car. She sucked down her bottle in one of the gift shops, went to the bathroom with Jen for a diaper change, and did indeed fall asleep in the car. And then took a good 1.5 hour nap (or longer) when we got home!

It's amazing how much older she seems to have gotten almost overnight. It really kind of chokes me up when I think about it. She now can sit by herself pretty well - I can't really leave the room while she's sitting but I don't have to hover over her, either - and was so comfortable in that high chair at the restaurant (which has no support). I spent most of yesterday calling people and leaving the message, "My kid has two teeth and is army crawling all over the house!" and already today I have had two heart attacks when she scooted her way over to outlets and plugs. Time to rearrange things!

She will be dashing around the house on her hands and knees in no time. She can go one or two "steps" that way but then will belly flop and do the rest with her arms. She is amazing. She seems to love to develop new skills in big spurts, which is cute in some ways and an emotional kick in the pants in others.

I need to upload pictures. I have a bunch from as far back as Super Tuesday.
judecorp: (cat fud)
Someone ([livejournal.com profile] nikki_herself?) once posted that someone insinuated to her that it should be a lot easier for her to eat well since she is now a stay-home parent. I guess the thought process was something like: no cookies/cake/goodies around the office, no candy jar, no "working lunch" at a less than health restaurant, no tempting fast food, etc. The rationale was, "You can fill your house with healthy food and then just eat that! No problem!"

I can't speak for anyone else, but I have eaten nothing but CRAP since I have been home. And it's not even like my house is full of crap, but it has been, by necessity, overstocked with convenience foods like macaroni and cheese or instant oatmeal or frozen lunches. Processed crap. Never mind the fact that it is so tempting to go through fast-food drive-throughs while your child naps in the car seat behind you rather than considering lugging her out to get something proper... or trying to eat when you get home and she inevitably wakes up.

But even when I'm NOT eating processed junk, it's still junk. Let's take now. What am I eating? Potatoes. I'm not kidding, I'm eating potatoes. Leftover potatoes from dinner the other night. There was a tupperware container in the fridge and I opened it and there they were. Potatoes. So I heated them up, and here I am. Eating potatoes. With a slice of cheese on top. (A guy's gotta have some protein, you know? *g*)

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judecorp

December 2011

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