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Black Sheep
I am at a complete and total loss. I'm sure this is only compounded by getting two hours of sleep last night, but I am just beside myself.
My grandfather, one of the people my sun rises and sets on and the person for whom my daughter is named, called me and reamed me out because I cashed out an account he set up for me as a child "without telling him." Which of course I didn't do, we spoke about this at length back when I was pregnant because I wanted to use the money to help me stay home with Punk and he not only said it was okay but also told me when specifically to withdraw the money so as to avoid penalties. He remembers none of this, but rather than even consider the possibility that he has forgotten, he just insisted over and over again that we never talked about it, and more to the point, that he is devastated that I would not "take him into confidence" about something like this and that he is so offended.
I don't even know what to say or do. I realize that he is especially sensitive about this sort of thing because my cousin actually DID withdraw an account without telling him and spent the money on a bunch of douchbaggery several months ago, but I did not do this. I talked to him about the money in June of last year and I withdrew the money, at his request, in April of this year. (It was rolling over at that time.) Not only that, I brought it up AGAIN after all of the crap went down with my cousin because I was shocked and appalled that my cousin would do such a thing.
There is absolutely nothing I can do to convince him that we agreed on this. I even tried telling him that he /told me/ to wait until April to take the money. (I don't get any documents about the money, they go to his house.) That he said it was a good idea. That he said it was mine to use. Et cetera. He just insists and insists that he had no idea about it and that he is so hurt that I would do this behind his back. And I am upset that he is so upset, of course, and I am frustrated that he forgot, but mostly I am just so hurt that he thinks I am a douchebag. That he thinks that I would do something like this, that it is completely impossible that perhaps he forgot and instead it's completely possible that I would take money from him and cover it up.
By the end of the conversation, since he was clearly looking for an apology, I apologized for the only thing I could apologize for in good conscience - that I was sorry I didn't remind him of our agreement when I took out the money (like, gave him a heads up reminder that day). I absolutely will not entertain the possibility that we didn't talk about it and I am mistaken, because I will not pretend I am the sort of person who would do that. I won't. And I am so hurt and furious and want someone to apologize to /me/.
I may not be a perfect person, but if there is one thing I am not, it is a thief. I go above and beyond for my grandparents and on top of that, I am always completely responsible and forthcoming about money. I don't play around with money and I don't spend it frivolously. And I certainly don't go behind people's backs.
My grandfather will be 91 years old in a month's time and it is very possible he will die with these awful impressions of me. My heart is just sick over the thought of that.
My grandfather, one of the people my sun rises and sets on and the person for whom my daughter is named, called me and reamed me out because I cashed out an account he set up for me as a child "without telling him." Which of course I didn't do, we spoke about this at length back when I was pregnant because I wanted to use the money to help me stay home with Punk and he not only said it was okay but also told me when specifically to withdraw the money so as to avoid penalties. He remembers none of this, but rather than even consider the possibility that he has forgotten, he just insisted over and over again that we never talked about it, and more to the point, that he is devastated that I would not "take him into confidence" about something like this and that he is so offended.
I don't even know what to say or do. I realize that he is especially sensitive about this sort of thing because my cousin actually DID withdraw an account without telling him and spent the money on a bunch of douchbaggery several months ago, but I did not do this. I talked to him about the money in June of last year and I withdrew the money, at his request, in April of this year. (It was rolling over at that time.) Not only that, I brought it up AGAIN after all of the crap went down with my cousin because I was shocked and appalled that my cousin would do such a thing.
There is absolutely nothing I can do to convince him that we agreed on this. I even tried telling him that he /told me/ to wait until April to take the money. (I don't get any documents about the money, they go to his house.) That he said it was a good idea. That he said it was mine to use. Et cetera. He just insists and insists that he had no idea about it and that he is so hurt that I would do this behind his back. And I am upset that he is so upset, of course, and I am frustrated that he forgot, but mostly I am just so hurt that he thinks I am a douchebag. That he thinks that I would do something like this, that it is completely impossible that perhaps he forgot and instead it's completely possible that I would take money from him and cover it up.
By the end of the conversation, since he was clearly looking for an apology, I apologized for the only thing I could apologize for in good conscience - that I was sorry I didn't remind him of our agreement when I took out the money (like, gave him a heads up reminder that day). I absolutely will not entertain the possibility that we didn't talk about it and I am mistaken, because I will not pretend I am the sort of person who would do that. I won't. And I am so hurt and furious and want someone to apologize to /me/.
I may not be a perfect person, but if there is one thing I am not, it is a thief. I go above and beyond for my grandparents and on top of that, I am always completely responsible and forthcoming about money. I don't play around with money and I don't spend it frivolously. And I certainly don't go behind people's backs.
My grandfather will be 91 years old in a month's time and it is very possible he will die with these awful impressions of me. My heart is just sick over the thought of that.
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*hugs*
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It's probably really hard for him, too.
I hope you're able to talk some more about it and that he either remembers and/or you know that he understands you're not awful.
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That's so hard - one time I called my Grandma and she swore we hadn't talked in almost a year when in fact it had been a month.
I'm sorry. But he knows you and knows you're honest. Even if he forgets it occasionally, he still knows it deep inside.
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Instead, he just kept saying into the phone that I was wrong and I never told him anything and took the money right out from under his nose. :(
I did, though, try to be as caring as possible and said that I was truly sorry that he was so upset, and that I was sorry if there was any misunderstanding or miscommunication, and that while I certainly could have reminded him again (and was sorry about that), I know that we DID talk about it and he knew about it in advance.
The only other thing I can think of to do is call my grandmother.
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Early changes can be slowed with the right medications. No one can give back what he's lost but perhaps you guys can be pro-active in order to prevent him losing more. And to make damn sure that all of his feelings and wishes are known NOW while he has most of his righg mind, so to speak.
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Sometimes people remind me that the most powerful thing I can do *for myself* is give up being right about something, even when I am right.
I hope he *doesn't* die thinking that you didn't discuss this with him. And I also hope you are able to find a way to feel better about what is happening for you, now.
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*HUG* I'm sorry, Jude. It's not easy.
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Oh Jude, I am sorry to hear that -- I feel heartsick for you. I hope you're able to resolve it with him, and I think you'll be able to.
I think talking to your grandmother about it is the right idea, fwiw.
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It must really feel awful to be in this position. So sorry.
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It's so hard when you feel like your character should speak for itself... when you feel like someone knows you really well and has known you for a long time and should know that, well, you just would never do what you were being accused of.
Not to make this all about me, but I once came home to the house I lived in with my grandmother (who raised me) and went to open the door with my keys. I only had the key to one of the two outside locks, but my grandmother had also locked the second lock, and I didn't have that key. So, I had no choice but to ring the bell and wake her up to come let me in. It took me a while to wake her because she was hard of hearing but refused to admit it. When she opened the door, I said, "Thank you" in a relieved tone, not exasperated or rude or anything. She got furious and didn't speak to me for 3 days. 3 days! Even when I finally burst into tears and begged her to tell me what I had done to offend her so much.
I finally got out of her that what she heard me say when she opened the door was "F**k you." I didn't say that. Not even close. But it's what she heard.
*That* was why she tortured me for three days. What hurt me most though is that she didn't once think to herself, ya know, C. would never say that to me, or even C. has never said anything hateful to me ever before, maybe I am mistaken. Maybe my ears failed me. That never occurred to her.
I was actually more upset that she could know me so well and for so many years and think I would say that to her than I was about any of the rest of it.
I am sorry. It sucks that you were responsible about this and did everything right but your grandfather has no recollection of it and doesn't believe you. Hugs.
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Much love to you.
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