(no subject)

[judecorp]

Well, that's it. Our cycle has been officially cancelled by the doctor. My E2 was 64.7 today, down from 69.7. My 13mm follicle on the right and the 12mm follicles on the left have either shrunken or disappeared. We're supposed to be starting our 2ww (2 week wait) this weekend and instead we've got nothing.

I am so freaking disappointed in myself and in my body. It's not working. It's not working even WITH ovulation-induction medications. I feel so damaged, so broken, so much like a biological failure. Women get pregnant every single day, some on birth control, some with their tubes tied... and I can't even /ovulate/. With /drugs/.

I am so angry at my doctor's office for telling me everything would be fine when I expressed concern at the end of last cycle that I wasn't responding very well to the dose of Clomid I was on, and asked for more. I am so angry that they wouldn't up the dosage, even a little bit, even with the poor response. I feel like they set me up for failure and really, what do they care? They're not emotionally involved in our process.

I am so incredibly sad about the whole thing. I can't believe I am grieving the loss of a freaking /follicle/, but I am. We only get one shot a month, and if the doctor says no, then that's it. What if I ovulate next week? I probably won't, but hey. I have been so sad since I first got the 'heads up' on Wednesday that my cycle would probably be cancelled. I can hardly breathe. It's like, this is it. You don't understand. Things are /not/ going well around here for us. So much crap happens and it's all out of our control - raised rent, bed bug scare, damaged car, illness, dead dad stuff, BIL being a jackhole, and on and on - and we had this. This one thing. And it's probably stupid to put so much hope and so much energy into one thing but let me tell you, when there's so much other stuff that is just ridiculous you will look for a lifeline /anywhere/. This was mine. And now I'm still swimming in a sea of chaos and suckage, but without my one thing. I don't know what todo.

I am so scared that this is it for us, that I am more irrepairably damaged than they thought and am just setting myself up for countless additional disappointments. I'm terrified that if we /do/ decide to proceed onto injectible drugs or whatever else they decide to throw down, it won't work and we will be built up again only to have another devastating fall. I'm not saying we're looking for a guaranteed pregnancy (wouldn't that be nice?) but I'd like to know that I really /do/ have a chance. I know that Clomid is the weakest of the drugs, and that injectibles work for a lot of people, but I'm scared that they won't work for me if we decide to go for it.

Which means I pretty much feel hopeless right now. I have no confidence that anything will work. I went to an accupuncture consult and I think it could be really helpful, but it's /really/ expensive. Like $500/month or more expensive. And, hello, I only make $500/week. So that's a lot. I just think there is no hope for me. There is no hope for us to be parents. When we went to New Orleans we had so much HOPE. We were actually concerned about what would happen if we were due around the same time as we were going to adopt a friend's baby. We were concerned about TOO MANY BABIES. Now I feel like we'll never get pregnant, and the friend had a miscarriage, so we're pretty much doomed.

I am just so empty. I gave up my composure and my mental health for another month (Clomid messes with your moods, yo) for NOTHING. I spent days crying at the drop of a hat because it was going to provide us with a chance. And now there's no chance, just the crying. What's the freaking point?

And I am so confused. My monitor has been reading "High" since Sunday. I thought that was a good sign. I've been getting EWCM since Wednesday. I thought that was a good sign. My skin was breaking out like woah this week. I thought that was a good sign. My cervix is getting higher and softer. WTF? What happens now? If I'm not going to ovulate, then I'm not going to get my period. And my monitor is going to just want me to test every morning. And I don't know how to stop it; there's no way to tell it to just give up for a month without resetting it and losing my data. I don't know whether to temp or not. What's the point? Why keep going? It just seems like a futile business.

We don't see the doctor until June 26th. It was supposed to be right after our 3rd 2ww. It was supposed to be a "just in case" our third try didn't work, just to talk options. Now it's less about options and more about failure. I wish, most of the time, that I had never gone to this doctor who got my hopes up with his confidence. I almost prefer my former doctor who told me I would just never have kids, the one who told me I was probably in premature menopause or ovarian failure. At least then I couldn't get disappointed.

Jen's at work all night and I'm alone with my failure and my emptiness. Happy weekend to me.

Comments

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Oh, Jude. I just want to wrap you up in my arms and tell you it's going to be ok. I know it doesn't seem comforting when you're in the low spots.

You and Jen ARE going to be great parents someday. I just know it. We don't know *why* this is so fing hard. It just is and that sucks!

Looking ahead, if your only fear of injects is that you might fail again I would suggest waiting a few days/weeks, let this settle in and see if you can muster the courage to be brave and go for it. Try to stay open to the idea, k?

Each time we try we have a chance to fail ... for sure. Don't know how many more failures I can take either. I do know that if you take can muster up the courage, at least you can say you did everything possible before you stopped trying.

My heart is with you dear friend. I'm here for you and wish I could be up in B town to give you a big *in person* hug.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wish you /could/ tell me it was going to be okay. I wish /someone/ could. I mean, on an intellectual level I know that everything is okay, that no matter what life goes on and you just /deal/ with it. I guess what I really want is a fortune teller to say "Yes, you are going to get pregnant" or "No, it will be a lot of heartache, just save for adoption." That would be ideal. (Get working on that. *wink*)

Failure is not the ONLY thing keeping me from making a 100% decision on injects, but it is definitely up there. Injects mean more risk and I /hate/ taking these weird hormonal gambles with my body... especially if they are going to be for nothing. When push comes to shove we would probably do it if that is what is suggested. I just don't know how much of a "break" I can stand when we /just/ got going after I've been chomping at the bit to TTC for so long.

I'm more worried about the increased risks of OHSS and increased risks of ovarian cancer, etc., for something that may not work. I need to do more research, honestly. The increased success rate of injects is tempting. The increased rate of complications is not. I /hate/ putting things in my body.

I wish you were around. It would be a good time.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry.
*HUG*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, L.

[laserkitty.livejournal.com]

Do you think perhaps that the amount of stress that the two of you have been through lately, might perhaps have something to do with all of this? You're putting lots of pressure on yourselves..and bad things have been happening...and well, bodies do tend to know these things.

I know you want to be parents really badly. I know that you'll make great parents too. Perhaps you should wait until things settle down a bit to try again?

Maybe not what you wanted to hear and for that I'm sorry. I'm sad that things haven't worked out the way that you want them too...but don't give up hope.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your honesty. And to be honest in return, if I waited for things to settle down, I'm not sure that we would /ever/ get to try. I mean, you never know when something is going to go wrong - I couldn't plan for the bed bug thing, couldn't plan for Jen to get really sick, couldn't plan for her brother to send her a nasty e-mail, couldn't plan for our landlords to raise our rent or for our car to get vandalized. (And this was all just in the last 3 weeks or so!) Really, the only thing I /could/ foresee was the anniversary of my dad's death - and even then had no way to know how that would affect me/us until it passed.

So how would I know that things were settling down? I'm not trying to be sarcastic or smart or anything, I genuinely want to know what you think. What would define a "safe" time to try again? When/if we find a new place to live? When Jen's health problems resolve? When we finally make enough money to live? (Because god knows that might NEVER happen.)

We're not getting any younger. I'll be 31 this year and if I have this much difficulty now, it's not going to be any easier next year, or three years from now. Heck, we have been planning for this since February of 05.

If the last two years are any indication, bad things aren't going to suddenly stop happening. So we can either stop indefinitely and wait until our luck changes, or we can try to work with. Neither is a perfect option. Perhaps you know something better.

[skreeky]

Ohhhh, suck suck suck. I'm so sorry.

If watching DVDs with friends, a soak in a hot tub, or frilly drinks (or all of the above) would help, you can come over tonight. Less alone-ness that way.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, it is incredibly tempting (and irresponsible) to drink a lot of drinks while soaking in a lot of hot tub. Someone else suggested I go to the Dyke March on the Common. Both tempting options in very different ways.

Decisions.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

p.s. Could there be food involved? Not in a "cook for me!" kind of way, but in a general "Blue Warrior Need Food, Badly" way.

[(Anonymous)]

Clomid doesn't work well for most people. I'm surprised you were put on it.

Injectables are the way to go.

Sorry I have to be anonymous when I write this - I was given Clomid prior to my doing IVF and it was like taking baby aspirin... no effect whatsoever.

[(Anonymous)]

Also, (of course) very sorry for your negative result. That truly, truly sucks. The only thing that helped me stop feeling bad when I got my result was multiple glasses of wine.

The only thing I can compare it to is the worst breakup I've ever had.

[prettyvacantone.livejournal.com]

I love you. ((jude))

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

But I love you MORE.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

First of all, I'm really sorry. I wish they would of talked with you about what your options were today instead of making you wait. Maybe you should just try uping the clomid next month and if that doesn't work go to the injectibles?

With the fertility monitor, it reads high for me even when I don't ovulate. I think it just shows high just in case all the time. I've had it say high for weeks at a time. I know how to reset the monitor and can email you the instructions if you want but yes it does reset all your data. I guess I'd keep temping just in case. You might want to continue using the monitor until at least day 26 I'd say. I've let it go before without testing and without resetting it and I think it just keeps counting and asking for the strip - doesn't mean you have to use it though.

You know your last doctor sounds awful - I can't believe they would say something that terrible to you!

Try to stay positive if you can. I'm making you some of those cds right now.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm hesitant to try upping the Clomid because I don't want to risk another cycle like this. I just feel so guilty that it didn't work, like somehow I did something wrong and because of it, Jen doesn't get a chance at a baby. That's probably stupid but it's how I feel.

And yeah, it's not the fertility monitor that's got me down (although it WAS weird to start getting Highs on CD11) but the EWCM and softening cervix. Everything just seemed so promising, it was hard not to be hopeful.

I've reused the same stick before when I got a Peak and didn't want to keep using up to 20 sticks, but I don't know what to do for a cycle that won't end. Hopefully when I get closer to CD30, it will give me the little 'm' so that I can start a new cycle at the right time. Otherwise I have to do the hard reset (I have the instructions, thanks!) and I don't want to.

Thank you for the CDs. Now we need to decide if we want to start coming up with the money for acupuncture.

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[snack.livejournal.com]

i have love for you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I just feel so guilty, like I screwed it up and ruined Jen's chances.

[drainbead.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[ktmcda.livejournal.com]

I'm forwarding you the courage I'm not using right now.

Jude, you've gotta fight for this, babe. You've got to knuckle down and fight, that's the only way you're going to have a chance at a homemade baby. No, there's no guarantee. But you sensed that the drug wasn't enough for you. I think it is time to move onto the big guns. If you want this, that's the price you've gotta pay.

And then, if the next thing doesn't work, then reevaluate. Is it worth the hormones and the wondering?

Another thing:
Right now, there is no way you could make a Leo baby. Kwim? Your baby is out there floating around in the universe waiting. Just do what you have to do.

xo
kate

ps, I really don't think you're broken. I've known people who've tried for a long time before they got it to work. Guess whether or not they think it's worth it?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know some people try for years and years (honestly, I don't know how they do it) and I'm sure it's worth it for them when/if they are successful. And once we run out of doctor options, I'm sure we are welcome to try on our own, we just aren't very likely to be successful if I can't get myself to ovulate. It's like the kiss of death.

My doctor obviously wants to be successful and therefore wants to be aggressive and get results. But the problem with plowing through the options is that you end up with no options a lot more quickly. Once we hit that IVF wall, we're screwed. (And yeah, we're pretty set on this. It doesn't make sense to go through all of that and all of the risks just to have some anonymous stranger's baby when we can adopt without the health risks. It would be different if somehow we were having a child of both of us or whatever, I think that adds a level of commitment we don't have.)

I would go crazy with a Leo baby. But I would take any baby. I am becoming Baby Desperate! ;)

[vlindinhauer.livejournal.com]

~~~

That's a whole lot of a world of suck lately (or is it just this last year ...?)

My next shot of tequila will be for you and Jen.

Be Well
Be Beautiful
Be Brave ...

~~~~

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

The last two years have been particularly sucktacular, since we moved here, actually. I hadn't had a year this bad in several years - it seems like bad luck follows me around for a while at a time, don't know why. But lately it just seems like one random shitty thing after another - so weird.

You only say 'beautiful' because you cut my hair. I am totally on to you! ;)

[geniusorafool.livejournal.com]

Check out my comment to grahams in the Boston journal before someone deletes it. I hope that it will cheer you up a bit ;-P~

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*giggle* movie club!!

[violane.livejournal.com]

This sucks. I'm so sorry to hear it. I continue to think that if we're going to have to invest the money and emotions on treatments, they should be GUARANTEED to work. Who's with me? :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, I am SO there!

[laurajones.livejournal.com]

I'm a few days late and definitely hundreds of dollars short to do anything to help... but I want you to know that I love you and I'm only a phone call away.

I am hugging the heck out of you right now... can you tell?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know what would make me feel better? Some LouPoints. No, really. LouPoints make the world go 'round!

p.s. Thanks. You are awesome!

[keelamonster.livejournal.com]

Like, Laura, I'm a few days late to the love, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sending you major huge hugs. This is definitely one of those character building things that absolutely sucks. I know lots of people have told you this, but Jude, it's not your fault. You have done EVERYTHING right and more than right. YOu haven't screwed up or made bad choices or ruined Jen's anything. You are an amazing woman with so much love in her for Jen and this family you're trying to build, it's just not your fault. Things happen that you can't control (who knows that better than you right now?).

So take some time off from the baby pressure. Drink heavily. Eat tuna. Eat soft cheese. Take an advil. Remind yourself that in no way, shape or form, are we ever really in control and the best we can do is to love ourselves and the people in our lives where they are. So take some time and remind yourself that you are a strong, beautiful, spritual woman and you deserve to be told that every morning. And noon. And night.

You're where you need to be right now, even if that place is a dump and you can't see out. You'll get right, I do believe that, and you'll come out of all of this into the sunshine. I just know it in my heart for you, Jude.

Gigantic hugs for you are waiting at my house if you ever come south.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha! I appreciate your advice.

I can't drink heavily (Metformin) but I might drink a little more than I usually do. Or maybe I won't. Who knows? All I know is that I'm scared that if I get TOO crazy, I will mess it up some more. Which is probably irrational, but there it is. But I am enjoying CANNED TUNA and ASPARTAME and lots and lots of sugar! Mmmmmmmmmmm. :)

*HUG*