Hormone Hell and Gender Identity

[judecorp]

I have such a love-hate relationship with hormones. On one hand, I love what I've been able to accomplish (and will soon be accomplishing) by messing around with my natural set-up of hormones. I'm doing something that I'd been told and always thought was out of my reach, and hey, what can I say? I like to do the impossible. But on the other hand, it's been 27 months now that I haven't been myself. I don't even really recognize myself. I'm some medically-twisted New Me.

I started taking Metformin in February of 2005, somewhat out of curiosity and somewhat out of concern for my health. I wasn't concerned about my hormone makeup (high testosterone, mildly high estrogen, no progesterone in sight, lots of other wackiness) but was starting to get concerned about creeping cholesterol (even though I'm a pretty healthy eater) and the weight that just wouldn't go away. I had been asking doctors if I had PCOS for many years, and had always been told no - usually because I have no cysts on my ovaries. I finally found a PCP who agreed that you didn't need cysts to have PCOS, and confirmed everything with lots of bloodwork. When I found out that I had elevated insulin levels, I figured I would give drugs a try to see what would happen. I didn't want to end up with Type II Diabetes. My PCP was not an endocrinologist and didn't know much about PCOS treatment, so I started on a pretty low dose of Metformin, 1000mg/day.

I took 1000mg/day for a year. In that year, I went from not having any cycles at all to having 60-75 day cycles fairly consistently (with a little break when my dad died). It was pretty wacky. And I started losing weight, but I didn't know if it was drug-related or gym-related, as I'd become fairly rigorous with the gym at the same time. The doctor thought that getting a period every 2-3 months was good enough if it was good enough for me. Personally, I'd rather have none but whatever.

I could still be read as either male or female depending on the person or the day, and felt mostly comfortable in my own skin outside of the cycles and the occasional fluctuating hormones. (Remember, no cycles means no PMS.) Progesterone is not kind to me - I had major anger attacks on birth control pills in college and had HUGE freak-out drama cryfests on Provera in the past - so ovulating brought its own fun. But it was still dealable.

Jen and I had been talking about having kids for a really long time, and the assumption was always that she would carry. (The perks of a two-uterus home.) She kept saying she "needed to get ready," and I was getting awfully impatient. On top of that, I thought that my history should get most things covered by insurance which would be a big help. I asked my PCP about it, she didn't have any insights, but told me to see a specialist and ask. So I did.

That's when I got a referral to The Baby Factory. The minute I walked in the door, I was floored by the affluence and the attitude. I met a cocky man who not only basically /guaranteed/ us a baby, he was ready to start immediately. And what can I say, we got excited. So we jumped right in. That was February 2006. (Insurance did end up covering, by the way, but not because of an infertility diagnosis. Oh no, when they had that, they wanted me to pay a year out of pocket to PROVE it. However, they agreed to pay when I told them that I was unable to conceive children with my ex-husband from 1999-2001. Asshats.)

After a year of 1000mg of Metformin, I started taking 2000mg. The results were dramatic. I had textbook regular 35ish day cycles from the first moment I took the drug, which is kind of unusual. I lost weight like wildfire. And at that point it started to hit me that my body was totally different. I lost a lot of the weight in my belly and thighs that made me look solid - instead I was a curvy butt girl with more noticeable boobs. I lost a ton of weight in the face that I didn't mind. But then I realized that I couldn't really wear most of my pants. They looked /ridiculous/. I didn't have the shape to wear guys' pants anymore and they were all falling down and looking terrible. What fit were girly girl pants. I went from a 36 men's to a 14 women's to a 12 women's to a 10 women's.

When I changed clothes, I started to look silly. It was weird to have boy hair and girly clothes. So I grew the hair to match the clothes. And I got a lot of attention and a LOT of compliments. It was actually kind of weird and off-putting. Guys were looking at me out in public, coworkers were telling me I was "so pretty," etc.

But... it worked! Between all of that cycle-regulating, the ovulation-induction meds, and the store-bought sperm, I got knocked up. It seemed like it took forever but in actuality was about 8 months with 5 insemination tries... which is actually pretty reasonable and quite amazing for someone who had no cycles a few years prior. It came with a high emotional price, though, with tons of mood swings and crying and Clomid Hell and PMS to the extreme and then, umm, pregnancy fun. Which is a nice way of saying that I think I have been crying for eight months straight. (Did I mention that progesterone and I don't mix?)

I had girly clothes and girly hair and now a big ole belly. I look, for all intents and purposes, like a straight, married lady with a baby. I have lost my gender identity (or lack thereof) and I have lost my queer identity. I don't get the head bobs, the i-know-about-you looks. If I walk with Jen I get read as queer because SHE gets read as queer. I've become totally invisible.

At eeka13's and violacat's wedding last year, Jen and I were read as a butch/femme couple by a self-identified butch/femme couple that they are friends with. I guess they were excited to see another couple "like them." When I found out, I cried for three days. Seriously. Some of it was pregnancy, but most of it... well, how could I go from being read as male to being read as femme? Such a freaking turnaround in a year and a half's time.

Last weekend we were in Home Depot buying our lawnmower and this adorable young lesbian insisted on helping us check out. She commented about us having a baby, said she was trying to convince her wife to have a baby, and then gave Jen a high-five. You know, because I guess she convinced HER wife to have a baby. And I just felt so deflated. I've been hauling and growing this kid for eight months and SHE gets a high-five? For what? What did I get? She didn't even LOOK at me.

I can't even imagine that any of this will make any sense to most people. My thoughts are so jumbled around all of this, and so emotionally charged, that I can't even write coherently about it. But it's there, and has been there for a long time, and only gets worse. I am so thankful for being pregnant and growing our baby and I am so sad for the loss of myself. I'm not even sure if there is an answer, or maybe if things will disappear in the bliss and challenges of parenthood.

But I know that I look at pictures from three years ago and see myself, and look at pictures from now and wonder who that person is. I guess I will keep telling myself it will get better with time.

Comments

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks!! :)

[jadefu.livejournal.com]

Yes, I read every word you said.

Take everything you said, but change society's view of "gender identity" to "beauty" and you have my point of view. So I understand a lot of what you're saying.

Don't feel like you need to answer, but why do people feel the need to comment on how we look? Appearance means everything in society, and it's taught at an early age. And it sucks. I still struggle every day with self-worth because of all the shit I went through growing up (and still do) being the fat chick in the pretty world.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I totally know what you mean. It's crazy. And along with "beauty" always comes "weight." I mean, I've never been skinny skinny, always been a little bigger than most people, but smaller than other people. But it wasn't until I lost a ton of weight all at once that I got flooded with people telling me how "great" I looked. I mean, all the time! It was insane. I thought I looked pretty great before. ;)

I really hope my kid doesn't end up being one of those shallow people, but it's almost scarily unavoidable. I will do my best.

[ladygreyy.livejournal.com]

I can't even imagine everything you're going through. I've always wondered about hormonal affects on pretty much everything, at one point I even wondered if they could influence sexual preference. Obviously you're not going through that, but these changes are far more dramatic, and even if it was something you had "wanted", it'd still be hard to go through. Losing a sense of self, especially while hopped up on pregnancy hormones, has got to seriously mess with you. But, as always, you know I'm here for you, if there's anything I can do. It was SO good to talk to you yesterday!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've wondered about the hormone/orientation link as well. It does seem like there are an awful lot of lesbians with PCOS (although there are a lot of straight women with PCOS as well). However, there DOES seem to be an overrepresented sample of FtM transpeople and genderqueer people with PCOS. Very interesting.

It was good talking to you too! And EVERYTHING'S more fun with pregnancy hormones! Man, I cry at everything.

[skreeky]

I find it interesting (though unfortunately not very surprising) that even in lesbian couples, the Girly looking one is considered to be weak and the Butch one considered to be in charge... hence Butch's decisions are the right ones, even when it's a decision about Girly's body, not Butch's.

Hmph.

[kieron.livejournal.com]

these perceptions about who is in charge are made from the outside - but not the inside as far as I know....at least those couples who are in our generation and later. In earlier generations the butch/femme dynamic followed closely to the standard heterosexual dynamic between men and women in say...the 60's/70's. It's weird to me let alone to those after....

That being said - I know Jude defers to my choices sometimes and I defer to her choices and no one is "in charge."

And it made me super uncomfortable that that woman at Home Depot gave me a high five when I know Jude has done so much work for this baby.

[shanneeluee.livejournal.com]

I didn't know you had been married. See, I learned something new! :-)

What led everyone to putting you on Metaformin? I don't think I have symptoms of PCOS or anything, but I have always wondered if Metaformin might help me with some of the same symptoms you described. Hmm...

[eeka13.livejournal.com]

Isn't Jude still married (this marriage, I mean)?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Okay, that sucks that he gets the big high-5 because he has functional sperm. Because, you know, that's only half of the equation. But guys seem to be so weird about their verility or fertility in ways I don't usually see women acting.

That's awesome that he's gotten himself in such good shape, though! I hope I'm in decent shape when I'm 45!!

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

Well... I can't really relate to the gender identity issue but I can relate to hormone hell and the changes that it brough to my body. I gained a ton of weight before/during IVF and then with pregnancy ... you know the rest. I hate that I had to be on so many hormones to get pregnant and stay pregnant but it will all be worth it for you when you see that sweet baby. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I remember that IVF meds weren't kind to you. I hope things are starting to go back to normal a little bit. And you have a beautiful daughter to show for it! :)

I know that when I see that sweet little face, I will forget about things, at least temporarily. :)

[rexlezard.livejournal.com]

::hearing you on the gender issues:: Oh, yeah.

It's tough, tough, tough stuff.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Hormones are powerful little things. It's kind of amazing. I really didn't think this would happen just by getting a menstrual cycle, you know?

Boy was I wrong.

[hopemcg.livejournal.com]

I SO hear you on everything. Even on things as little as what box to check. I used to refuse to pick the f or m box. Now that I've popped out a kid, it's like the f becomes F (but even bigger). You feel yourself being seduced into the mommy club. They welcome you will open arms and tell you things that only other (birth) mommies know. You think it's not so bad to do girly stuff. You've got the bits, afterall. Then all of a sudden you look back and they are sending off your cargo pants to charity. Wait, that was ME. I got rid of those clothes. Do I want them back? Who knows? Why do clothes matter so much anyway? Now that Quinn is weaning, do I get to be a boy again? Do I want to?

As you can see, my thoughts are all over about this, too.

*hugs*

[mayna.livejournal.com]

I don't have any hormone or identity issues, but when I was single with no kids, ALL my friends were men. Maybe 1 or 2 female friends. Then I got married and the male friends dwindled some and then I had kids and now I have one male friend leftover from the olden days (but we don't hang out like we used to) and all my friends are female now.

[realsupergirl.livejournal.com]

Fascinating stuff. I read every word. You really should write a book.

Human bodies are so frickin' weird. And human minds are so frickin' narrow.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone would read my book. :)

But you're right about bodies and minds.

[oppendonnell.livejournal.com]

Wow, I didn't know you'd gone through all that.
It sounds really tough and complicated...I know that the responses I get, on the street and from people I know, when my weight fluctuates are a pretty crushing aspect of my identity. So, I can't even imagine...
After the birth, could you go back to your former hormone make-up? (or, do you want more kids from your uterus?) Just questions I thought of as I read...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm not really sure what will happen after birth. On one hand, I don't want to let the hormones get too out of control because PCOS can really kill milk production and I hope to get as much milk as I can. But then after breastfeeding is over? I don't know. I /want/ to go back to my former hormonal makeup but I also know that my /body/ is healthier when things are in balance, the weight stays in check, and the cycles run. You know? It's such a weird gamble. Untreated insulin resistance is like a one-way ticket to diabetes. And I love to eat junk.

I guess I will just need to find some sort of balance or come to terms with things. I'm not really sure. I have a lot of work to do.

xo

[(Anonymous)]

wow, you were married? amazing! I often wonder if I will go back to being the same person I was, and I am not nearly as far along as you!!! I feel your hormonal pain.

-Lynn

[eeka13.livejournal.com]

She's also currently married, unless something's changed when I wasn't looking...

[artemis44.livejournal.com]

As a femme who has mostly been in butch/femme relationships, I can SO relate to the situations you are describing, though I can only imagine how much more upsetting they are when you don't even choose to identify as femme in the first place!

My partner (who is trans-identified [my term]), is considering carrying our next baby, and the gender issues you bring up here are something we think about a LOT when we discuss it. It's a hard road to take (of course with a great payoff), and I applaud you for going through it for the sake of your family...

And remember, when it's all over you can get your body - and your identity - back (well, with several new layers of identity as a parent and such, but still, you get the gist.)

Just keep breathing, and you'll get through it - and with a whole lot of new empathy for the femmes of the world! :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, I love my femme sisters. I totally do. And I think being a femme-identified person is GREAT. I just think that having your identity identified for you SUCKS. No matter what that identity is.

If your partner ever does decide to go down that road, I'd be more than happy to chat. The offer is always on the table.

I'm concerned if I will ever go back to the "old me," though, as the "old me" has untreated insulin resistance which really isn't a great thing long term. It's one of those things I'm going to have to do a LOT of soul-searching on. I have all of that breastfeeding time to think about it, I guess.

[somerandomchic.livejournal.com]

I so feel you on so much of this. Now, my softly butch to girlie girl change happened for very different reasons, but I HATE being invisible almost enough to go back. All it takes is a haircut and different clothes. I HATE being treated differently when I am out with E because then the queers recognize me. I rage against butch misogyny. Drives me completely insane. I'm worried that it is just going to get worse as I go through pregnancy and becoming a biomom.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I am also scared about how my becoming a biomom will suck me MORE into the land of straight girls, and thus exclude Jen's contributions. I don't want to be seen as THE mother, I'm actually very terrified of that. Especially with Jen as a butch-identified person who really IS in touch with her female identity (much moreso than I am, which is funny in itself) and very very much wants to be a mother.

I just hate that after all of this time, we still think "short hair = queer" or "men's clothes = queer" and also that "long hair" or "girly clothes" = "weaker woman."

Ugh.

[prettyvacantone.livejournal.com]

I can't say I can completely relate, aside from my general feeling that the whole process of "growing up" has meant that I've had to act more the part of a woman...which I resent.

But I can say that the little bit I *do* relate (as far as gender ambiguity or identification goes), you've got it dead on. And the parts that are bigger than what I can empathize with - well, thank you for sharing. Fluidity of gender has been a big interest of mine for a long time (hence, the sociology degree and all) and I respect that you are able to put into words and share your experience.

Also, I love you, no matter if you're Mr. Jude or Mrs. Jude.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You can be a sociologist as long as you're not going to try to study me, okay? (Well, unless you want to STUDY me!)

It IS weird that "growing up" or getting into the "real world" tends to reinforce gender stereotypes for the most part. I know that I always ran into fuzziness when I would have to go to a "grown up party" like a wedding. On one hand, I would look silly in a dress (the way I used to look), but on the other hand, I felt like I was less dressed up if I /wasn't/ wearing one. Weird.

[spacecadetjen.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I was kind of wondering about how you were feeling about these major body changes that come with pregnancy were making you feel. I remember when we met that you were starting to talk about how you never really felt girly. Then with the move and everything so much changed for you. It must be hard to lose that part of your appearance and get mistaken for straight at times. I can't speak myself, since I haven't ever had a pregnancy, but I've heard that straight women have a hard time dealing with the changes in their body during pregnancy. It's certainly a challenge to deal with all these feelings, but I don't think it is a situation that you can't handle. You're a strong person and I know that through it all you will adjust and grow into the person you want to be. :-)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

To be fair, I love being pregnant from a body standpoint. By that I mean, I love having a baby growing in my guts and the Control Freak in me loves controlling every little thing she ingests, you know? And I like having a growing belly, especially when it moves. That's the easy part. I love the belly until I walk outside, and then, that's a whole new world.

I guess in some ways it goes both ways. In the queer world, I've become pretty much invisible. But in the mommy world, it's Jen who runs the risk of being invisible. And I'd rather have it my way, I guess. I don't want people to assume my kid has a dad.

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I know the feeling. It's like the more I've been immersed in the working world, the more pressure I feel to choose one side or the other. I hate when people make assumptions about me. But I can't afford to get back to therapy, and I try to play things as down the middle as possible. But it's hard.

*big big hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Don't even get me started on therapy. Man, I should become a gender therapist just to overthrow the "gender therapy" scene. Harry Benjamin be damned!

It's weird, when I was doing the EI work with the straight girls, it didn't bother me as much. But now that I'm back with the queers, I feel even more invisible. Weird.

[laursabeth.livejournal.com]

I'd like to respond more thoughtfully, but in the meanwhile, I wanted to let you know that I do understand what you're saying, and while it doesn't resemble my experiences, I definitely get what you're saying and fully support and sympathize with you for the struggles you're feeling and the identity...loss. I think what you wrote was pretty brave, and I'm glad you shared.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You're sweet.

I don't really think of it as brave, I think of it as whiny. And I whine a lot. No, really. I'm quite good at it.

I don't know why I even write about it, though, because I don't think it's going to change. I'll be entering The Mommy Club, soon, and I don't know if there's any going back. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

1. Ha ha ha, Glenn Close. That's funny. I know that when I was with my bf-then fiancee-then husband, I was doing work in the queer community and they would always wig out that I was with a guy. What part of LGBT don't you understand? You'd make a hot lesbian, though. ;)

3. I fluctuate a little bit but not to that extent. Sometimes it's fun to "play" with some stuff but I can't imagine doing it all the time. I dunno. Like, I like looking hot in a dress sometimes... but I don't like ONLY having the option to look hot in a dress.

4. When I lost weight, I couldn't hold the guys pants up the right way anymore. Sucks.

5. I never took depo-provera... I took an oral medication called provera, which is an oral progesterone pill that you take for 7-10 days straight and then stop to make your period come. (It induces bleeding.) So it does the same wackiness as depo, but thankfully on a shorter timeline.

6. You are MORE beautiful!!

7. kiss kiss

[riggeronfire.livejournal.com]

i feel like we need to have a really good, deep conversation. this really strikes a nerve, as we are both in similar situations...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

YOU'RE PREGNANT??!?!? (Kidding, kidding.)

Yes, we should. I like deep conversations.

[lunamoonwmn01.livejournal.com]

I haven't read any of the other comments and I have a hard time keeping up with LJ these days, but I wanted to let you know that I really, really appreciated your posting this. I don't share the same gender stuff but have a wife who is genderqueer, so it's stuff that is near and dear to me. So even though I can't totally understand on a personal level, I do feel like I get it.

And while that sucks about the Home Depot experience, that is cool that someone acknowledged Jen - Rose almost never got any kind of acknowledgment when I was pregnant. Not that it diminishes your feelings though.

Big hugs to you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's true, you're right - I'm glad someone acknowledged Jen as a participating parent. One of the things I am terrified about is that people will see me as a Capital-M-Mother and not Jen. I will try to do everything I can to not let that happen.

I just wish that woman didn't have to be such a JERK about it. ;)

[realsupergirl.livejournal.com]

I'd read your book!!! Seriously.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You're such an academic and a gender nerd. ;)

[lizardjee.livejournal.com]

**hugs**
well i kept my shaved head with the pregnancy, but i went through a lot of the same things. i couldnt do any of the things i had done around the house. jeani took them over. i felt like a stranger in my own body. the huge boobs really threw off my 15 yr old boy idendity.
but after having them, and even though i am still breaste feeding jaxen, i almost feel back to normal. now that i am back in my pre pregnancy boy clothes (exvept for the bf tank tops)
everything seems worse with the hormones. but it will get better after that beautiful baby girl is born.
you are not alone..

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

My old boy clothes all got to be too big when I lost a bunch of weight. I may be able to get use out of them again if I can't lost the pg-weight. We will have to see what happens. I'm afraid I will just get hippier and boobier.

I'm glad things will get better. Hormones suck. xo

last night

[supergoat.livejournal.com]

I had such a weird experience.
I'm read as straight EVERY DAY at work, or basically if I'm by myself just about any place in a non-queer space.

Last night, at "Seussical The Musical," I was read as a lesbian, but I can't help but wonder if it was only because I was sitting with Diane (my not-so-femme ladyfriend).

It felt odd - I've gotten so used to being read as straight I was actually surprised when I was asked if Diane was my partner!

Re: last night

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Heh, that's interesting!

I'm sure I'm read as straight at work, well, when I'm not working in a queer resource center. But who knows, with the big old belly they might think I'm a nice secretary ally. :)

I love when you use the word "ladyfriend." It gives me the smiles every time!