judecorp | Cost/benefit analysis

I am having a bit of a crisis of faith with respect to breastfeeding. I guess I am just not used to failure. I'm a goal-oriented person and when I want to do something, I do it. And if it's hard, I work hard and I get it done. I can't really think of anything I really wanted to do that I couldn't pull off. Except this.

It hit me the other day that I am taking 9-12 pills a day and getting half an ounce (or so) of milk per feeding. In a perfect situation (where the domperidone is timed just right and I don't nurse for 6-8 hours and it's first thing in the morning when milk peaks) I can squeeze out 2 ounces of milk, and let me tell you, it takes a lot of work. I have to pump for a long time, all the while squeezing the crap out of my boob with my hand in all kinds of funky ways to eke out every last drop. And then I actually get 2 ounces, which is a minor miracle.

Usually, though, pumping involves all of the above things, but half an ounce of output or less. That's disheartening. Like WOAH.

So here's the thing: generous friends have given me about six boxes of domperidone, and one is en route from

juliann as well. I have about four boxes left to my name. Do I buy more? Is it worth spending hundreds of dollars on bootleg medication to frustrate my little baby by continuing to put her on the boob that barely spits out milk? When she is really hungry, she gets PISSED OFF. I can't say I blame her. It's like being starving and having someone offer you one hors d'oeuvre. And making you work really really hard for it. It actually makes me sad when she's so frustrated. And then she guzzles 4oz. of formula and loves life.

It's so hard because I love nursing her and I love the time we spend, but is it worth dropping big bucks that we don't have on pills when we're already dropping big bucks on formula? (Although we haven't dropped bucks in a while, thanks to the generosity of folks sending us their free samples and Jen's parents buying us $100 worth of formula at BJs when they were here.) Do I spend $190 on 18 boxes of pills (a box lasts 11 days, so 198 days' worth) and try to stick it out? Do I use the pills I have and then see what happens when I run out? Do I continue to force the angry, hungry baby to suck out every last drop before I let her eat her real meal?

It's hard because I have a hard time separating what I'm doing that's best for her versus what I'm doing that is best for me. I wonder if I'm being selfish with all of this nursing business and whether I'm just beating a dead horse. 12 pills for a couple of half-ounce servings? I know every drop is helpful but sometimes I wonder if my money is better served buying someone else's breastmilk.

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I've seen lots of different moms make different decisions in this same situation. Honestly? I think you need to do whatever you will feel the most peace with. If the pills and pumping are causing enough stress to mess with your relationship with your daughter, than I would say it's not worth it. And this is coming from a BFing Nazi-of-sorts. However, if you would really feel a loss by giving up on the nursing, I would continue it.

Have you at all considered the supplementer again? I know it's a PITA, but I have a close friend in your same situation and she used one with formula with her son until he was about a year old. Yes, it was a huge PITA, but for her, she felt really wrong and disconnected with him giving him a bottle, so *for her*, using the supplementer was worth it and he is still nursing at almost 3 years old despite the fact that there is very very little milk. So if having a nursing relationship is important enough that you would feel super-depressed giving it up, I would maybe suggest trying the supplementer again.

FTR, I think that you have really been doing so much to breastfeed and honestly it breaks my heart that it has been so difficult and shitty for you. Truly. But as much as breastfeeding is so important and such an awesome thing, there is more to life you know? You are a great mom and I just feel with this parenting thing that I am the person I need to be able to live with at the end of the day. So do whatever you can feel good about and fuck anyone who might judge you. That's my opinion.

That is exactly what I was going to suggest, using the SNS or LactAid to give formula at the breast. It might stimulate you to produce more and you'd know that she's getting as much breastmilk as you have without having to stress over pumping. You have made so many sacrifices and worked so hard to breastfeed and this is totally not something that is your fault. You have to do what works for you and your family, whatever that may be.

My friend had true hypoplasia so it never did stimulate her to make more milk. Domperindone only made her drip milk every once in awhile. But using the SNS (most find the Lactaid easier but for some reason she found the SNS worked better for her) allowed her to nurse and that was the most important thing to her. And Jude, she said she'd be happy to talk with you if you ever wanted to chat.

Thanks. I'll let you know if I want to chat with her. :)

Unfortunately I have breast hypoplasia and I'm making pretty much the max I'm going to get because the gland tissue just isn't there to make more milk. Stimulation doesn't help - I used the SNS for two weeks solid with no change in the beginning. I actually don't do much pumping unless for whatever reason she sleeps too long.

*points* what she said. I don't have anything else to add. Just *hugs*

Thanks. :)

I still have the SNS in the kitchen but I just have such bad memories of it. On one hand I think it would be easier now because she's less squirmy and is much stronger and more capable of helping me latch her on (latching on was the problem we had with the SNS tubes)... but on the other hand, I know that by now she is used to the quicker release of the bottle and the SNS is soooo sloooooow. Maybe I will give it a try one time and see what happens.

I think I have decided not to buy any more pills, but to try to nurse as long as she will continue to nurse for comfort once the milk disappears. She's only going to start wanting to eat even more at feedings and nursing for food is going to become even more frustrating for her... but if she wants to keep being comforted at the boob that is okay with me.

I think I have enough pills to make it to about 3 1/2 months. That's pretty good, considering.

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