And now it's time for the breakdown.
Jan. 4th, 2002 05:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI don't want to go back to Columbus.
It's not because of the people there (well, most of them). After all, I have![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
binkiegirl and dietbubba and happy2beso and hopemcg. And then there's Megan and Bucky and Cary and Velma and Stephanie and Rob. And I wouldn't mind seeing the OSU people again, especially Christa and Sonal and Nick and Christen. And it would be cool if I had a class with Jonathan this quarter. There are some cool people in Klumbis and I like them very much.
And it's not because there's nothing to do. I love the seats at the Lennox, and I love going to weird restaurants with Cary. I absolutely love seeing The Reaganomics. January brings GLBT Awareness Weeks at work, and we have lots of cool stuff planned, like Michelle Malone (mmm) and Denise Uyehara and Lani Ka'ahumanu. Ani is supposedly coming this spring and I want to find out the details on that. And there are other things, like volunteering at Kaleidoscope and the internship at Children's. And there's![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
geocaching, of course.
It's going to be very hard for me to go back there. Columbus is a place of incredible accomplishment for me academically and career-wise, but it is also a place of formidable tragedy and perceived failure. Columbus is where I will formally end my marriage, which is both a necessity and a loathesome chore. Columbus equals monotony in a lot of ways - stale air, confining spaces, restriction. Columbus = Levensailor.
There's no ocean in Columbus (duh) and that means more to me than most other things. It's not so bad to be in a landlocked area, except that the ocean is quite possibly the most important physical thing in the world to me. People were making fun of me in Delaware, but it really did physically recharge me to walk along the shore, to hear the crashing of waves and to smell the salt spray. When my plane was landing in Providence, I was elated by the sight of seagulls. ("No limits, Jonathan?") The ocean is in me, and it /is/ me. It is with a heavy heart that I remember the vast expanse of shore... and the sun rising from its salty depths.
So I don't want to go back. I don't want to be here in my Dad's apartment, either, but I would rather be here than there. I don't want to go back to living with A. I don't want to go back to missing nearly every single person that I love. I don't want to go back to the frantic running around of two jobs and a full course load and the need to work out legal issues and resumes. I want to go back to the beach. The beach wasn't real, not in the sense that my job and my internship and my classes are real. But it is real in me. And I want it back. Now.
~//~
Two of my dearest friends are hurting right now, and it is tearing me apart. I hate feeling useless. There's nothing more depressing than a useless superhero.
It's not because of the people there (well, most of them). After all, I have
binkiegirl and dietbubba and happy2beso and hopemcg. And then there's Megan and Bucky and Cary and Velma and Stephanie and Rob. And I wouldn't mind seeing the OSU people again, especially Christa and Sonal and Nick and Christen. And it would be cool if I had a class with Jonathan this quarter. There are some cool people in Klumbis and I like them very much.And it's not because there's nothing to do. I love the seats at the Lennox, and I love going to weird restaurants with Cary. I absolutely love seeing The Reaganomics. January brings GLBT Awareness Weeks at work, and we have lots of cool stuff planned, like Michelle Malone (mmm) and Denise Uyehara and Lani Ka'ahumanu. Ani is supposedly coming this spring and I want to find out the details on that. And there are other things, like volunteering at Kaleidoscope and the internship at Children's. And there's
geocaching, of course.It's going to be very hard for me to go back there. Columbus is a place of incredible accomplishment for me academically and career-wise, but it is also a place of formidable tragedy and perceived failure. Columbus is where I will formally end my marriage, which is both a necessity and a loathesome chore. Columbus equals monotony in a lot of ways - stale air, confining spaces, restriction. Columbus = Levensailor.
There's no ocean in Columbus (duh) and that means more to me than most other things. It's not so bad to be in a landlocked area, except that the ocean is quite possibly the most important physical thing in the world to me. People were making fun of me in Delaware, but it really did physically recharge me to walk along the shore, to hear the crashing of waves and to smell the salt spray. When my plane was landing in Providence, I was elated by the sight of seagulls. ("No limits, Jonathan?") The ocean is in me, and it /is/ me. It is with a heavy heart that I remember the vast expanse of shore... and the sun rising from its salty depths.
So I don't want to go back. I don't want to be here in my Dad's apartment, either, but I would rather be here than there. I don't want to go back to living with A. I don't want to go back to missing nearly every single person that I love. I don't want to go back to the frantic running around of two jobs and a full course load and the need to work out legal issues and resumes. I want to go back to the beach. The beach wasn't real, not in the sense that my job and my internship and my classes are real. But it is real in me. And I want it back. Now.
~//~
Two of my dearest friends are hurting right now, and it is tearing me apart. I hate feeling useless. There's nothing more depressing than a useless superhero.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-01-04 03:21 pm (UTC)Maybe I'll come out to Colombus when Ani plays and go see her with you again. That would make me so happy.
Ani and Jenn, what could be better?
Date: 2002-01-04 03:27 pm (UTC)I love you.
Re: Ani and Jenn, what could be better?
Date: 2002-01-04 03:40 pm (UTC)That's the best thought I've had all day, and probably the first thing to make me smile.
Re: Ani and Jenn, what could be better?
Date: 2002-01-05 09:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-01-05 11:14 am (UTC)I might be asking a question you already told me the answer to, but how come you can't just move out ? At least in some temporary fashion or other. Because it seems to me that what you really dislike about Columbus is living with him. You wouldn't need the ocean so much (-- though you know that I miss the ocean just as much as you, and find the same reassurance, recharging, and the like in it --) if you weren't in a living situation that keeps reminding you of things.
To move on you need to move... but maybe you can move somewhere still in the same city. Sounds like it would be worth it.
Just a thought.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-05 04:43 pm (UTC)I was offered a guest room in my boss's house, though I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable there. And there's the whole 'I don't make enough to live by myself' thing which means if I /did/ move, it would be to some crappy place, which I'm not sure I want. And then there's the lease, but I could probably whine my way out of that (I would /hope/ they would have a little bit of a soul).
But the number one reason, honestly, is that I don't have the stamina to pack and move now while I'm in school, and then pack and move again in 6 months. I'm trying to tough it out. It's more than just living with A. that has me down about Columbus. But you're right, it /is/ a big part, and I might not hate it so much if, like, I got off my booty.
Chalk it up to me being lazy. And bitching about it.
Re: Ani and Jenn, what could be better?
Date: 2002-01-05 04:44 pm (UTC)Re: Ani and Jenn, what could be better?
Date: 2002-01-05 07:49 pm (UTC)