Judecorp.

I survived my day of babysitting the 4 1/2 year old and my kid. Man, two kids? I'm tired. And I still need to feed, bathe, and bed my own child - Jen is working late tonight.

If it was my own kid I could have neglected her a little more, but I felt like I had to be on my A-game. ;)

Oh shoot, no one cleaned the cat boxes this past weekend. Carp! I need to do that, too.

Tonight may very well have been my last foray into babysitting. I am just too old and too busy to deal with this crap.

Today E was in rare form and decided that in addition to telling me that she doesn't like me and that I am not her friend (these are standards which I translate as "I wish my moms were home"), she opted to also tell me to shut up several times. And spit at me. And hit me in the face. And kicked me.

When I told her that I was not going to read her any bedtime stories if she did not brush her teeth, she busted out in a cry so loud that one of her moms came down from the third floor (they were having their "date" up there tonight, I don't really know why, something about supposedly trying to come up with a plan for what to do with the mysterious third floor) and said she was "rescuing" me, and then deadpanned, "I don't know if we can ever pay you enough money." She ended up giving me my usual amount of money for an hour less babysitting, and I think she was sufficiently mortified when she heard E tell me that she was going to pull all of my earrings out, and all about how she wouldn't hit X person or Y person, just me.

And I told them that we would have to chat before next week, because I wasn't sure I was the best fit for their babysitting needs. I like the spending money, sure, but I already work more than 50 hours/week and I just don't need to be abused in my free time. I don't like the money THAT much.

This week is just not going well. I'm not really sure why, I've just been generally unhappy everywhere except work. It's a sad state of affairs when I feel happiest and most peaceful at my whacked-out workplace, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

It started on Monday when I spent a good chunk of my day off babysitting E, who has been getting progressively more mean to me as the weeks go on. It started out fairly low-key, where she would say, "I don't like you," to me randomly through the evening which I tended to translate as, "I miss my parents and wish you were not here because then they would be home." It has been escalating, though, and Monday she told me she didn't like me about 50kabillion times interspersed with calling me a "poopiehead," telling me to "go away," and telling me I was "stupid." (This would then usually be followed by her telling me that 'stupid' was a bad word and that she shouldn't say it.) She also has taken to lying to her parents about me, telling them that I called her stupid or that I said I didn't like her. It's quite tiring.

It was at that point that I realized that I am 30 years old and still babysitting for money, and that I really needed to evaluate if the $250/month or so that I bring home is worth being insulted by a preschooler. (Her parents, for the record, don't believe the stuff she says about me and are mortified at the way she's been treating me... so it's not like I don't get support.)

This is a really long week at work, as most short weeks are, because trying to compact 5 days of work into 4 is usually a disaster. I got home at about 7:45 tonight and will turn right around and head back in 12 hours for my first visit at 8am. Instead of my usual early Friday, I'll be in visits all day, mostly making up Monday's. Grump.

Some crap has gone on at home and that is always a drag. Life would be so much easier if everyone had the same ideas of what goes into a partnership. When I find the magical solution to all of that, I'll be glad to pass it around. I promise.

The weekend can't come soon enough. I wish I had a working cycle like a real girl so I could blame all of this blah on hormones or PMS or whatever, but sadly, I guess I'm just a grumpy old goat.

I haven't had a cold with a cough in so long that I forgot how annoying it is. I've coughed so much this afternoon/evening that I have that "swallowed a jawbreaker" thing going on. Sucks. I hope I stop coughing enough so that I can get some sleep - all we have is codeine cough syrup in the house from when Jen had bronchitis and I'm allergic to codeine. Poop.

I have very little energy this evening. I called off babysitting tonight. I was going to stick it out and go and then at some point at work I randomly broke out in a sweat so I thought I might be getting a fever. It ended up that it never happened again, so oops. We could have used the money because we're going to the casiNO with the grandparents on Friday. Oh well, less money for the nickel slots. Instead of babysitting, I have been rotting on the couch. First I watched the last 3 episodes and the reunion show of Real World: Austin (thank you, On Demand), then Jeopardy!, and now I have the DVD of Orlando in even though I'm not really paying attention to it. I've read the book a couple of times so I think I can fudge it. Besides, I've had it from Netflix for at least a month and I want to send it back so I can get something new, dang it! (Jen and I watched Runaway Jury last night, same reason - it was quite good.)

~//~

I've decided that 2006 is going to be the year I take care of myself. Or at least try. Back to the gym, back to eating healthier food, keep on track with the dentist, keep on top of my mental health, stop overscheduling myself, get the babyworks checked out by a specialist...

Okay, I just got totally distracted bt Tilda Swinton's boobs. Yum, corsets. Maybe I should just watch this part for a few minutes.

So anyway, yeah, self-help. That will be nice. Also, if things go even remotely as planned, 2006 will be the year we buy our first home and make a baby.

~//~

Maybe we need to spend less time concentrating on misunderstandings, mistakes, arguments, and stress. It's still truly amazing to me that our love is so strong, so unwavering, that I have so much desire. It's almost been four years since we huddled on that chilly balcony in Rehoboth and I insisted that she kiss me. The memory of that kiss still hits me in the gut. Hell, all of her kisses hit me in the gut. God, that's good.

You know, I have fun when I'm babysitting, all the way up until it's time for bed. Then it is just SO exhausting.

E will just not go to sleep! She follows the whole bedtime routine perfectly - potty, pajamas, toothbrushing, two books... then all hell breaks loose. She just Will. Not. Sleep. She lays there, eyes wide, telling me she misses Mommy 873278723957 times. (And I know she misses Mommy, and I feel bad that she misses Mommy, but really, what can I do about it?)

I've tried almost everything... from cuddling and trying to make her feel better to explaining that Mommy will be home soon to ignoring her after the first couple of times to saying, "Shhh, time for sleep, no more talking" a million times to laying in bed next to her and reading a book. Sometimes she falls asleep eventually (bedtime is at 8 and the moms come home between 10 and 10:30 usually) and sometimes she is still awake when they get home.

It's just so exhausting. In fact, I'm now dreading going over there because I don't want another 2 hours of "I want my Mommy" when there isn't a dang thing I can do to help. It's not like I can mysteriously make Mommy come home, you know? (I tell them this is going on, that's really the best I can do.) It becomes so tedious and last week I really felt myself becoming irritated.

I need to think of another strategy, and quick, because I'm not up for that tonight.

We got our first gas bill since we started putting the heat on, and it was $103. This is sheer craziness because last November our bill was about $55. Somehow we used more "therms" or whatever which is highly suspect because, well, I don't remember it being that cold this month (lots of warmer days) but I suppose I could be mistaken. Still, this does not bode well for the winter if the bill is already over $100. Last year, our high bills were $150 in January and February. Now I'm just scared.

I have to boogie down to RI today because someone is coming to look at my dad's truck. I have to get there early enough to make sure it still runs (haven't been down there in a couple of weeks) - wouldn't that be embarrassing?

I got into a great discussion about trans stuff on folkyboy's podcast yesterday. It was awesome and would have been the coolest thing to hit the internet, but sadly he ran out of room on his iPod and it cut us off somewhere in the middle. This shows: 1) he has way too much country music on his frickin' iPod and 2) we need to have another discussion about transphobia.

The kitten is currently laying on my chest. This is very cute. Usually the kitten is clawing my leg or trying to attack my shoes. Not nearly as cute.

I'm trying to psych myself up for a 3-day workweek but it's hard, because I haven't had much of a weekend (too many chores/obligations) and I know the three days of work will be majorly long. Tomorrow I have a full work day, my annual physical, and then I need to run to babysitting as fast as I can. Hopefully they will not decide to stay out extra late since I will get there extra late. Hopefully.

This journal seems to have little point or direction right now, much like my life. Lame.

You know, it's one thing that most of my clients are sick right now, and I spend half of my time in my playgroup wiping noses and dodging coughs. But I babysat tonight, and E was sick, too. So I spent all night blowing /her/ nose and dodging /her/ coughs. I'd better not get sick! My job sucks /really/ badly when I'm sick!

My in-laws weathered the hurricane with only a little damage, which is good. I'm thinking good thoughts for Peas's sweetie and also my snack. Will this hurricane season ever end? And will we ever stop getting this freaking RAIN? It's supposed to be in the 40s tomorrow, rain rain rain. Make it stop.

I wish I could just call out sick and stay home and watch movies. Too bad I'm too responsible and also have a lot of stuff to do. Too bad I have to volunteer tomorrow night, too. Long. Rainy. Days.

I am currently surrounded with cats and they are threatening to take over this computer. I think Daedalus wants to write in his top sekrit political blog. KITTY EQUALITY!!

I was dragging ass all day today due to lack of sleep, but now I seem to be getting my second wind. That sucks, because I really need to make tonight an early night.

I tried to make good use of my time between home visits today and went home instead of back to the office so I could do most of the unpacking. I think that was a smart move on my part, because I was so wiped when I came home that I wouldn't have ever gotten around to it. I was so draggy all day that I called and cancelled babysitting tonight because I knew I wouldn't have it in me to appropriately entertain/manage a three-year-old. Instead I did a little grocery shopping (because we had nothing) and have been eliminating oodles of e-mails from my inbox and coming up with a Strangeland post. I have Running on Empty droning in the other room and haven't even looked over to watch it at all, but now I can send it back to Netflix with a clear conscience. At some point I should take out the garbage and bring up the rest of the groceries, I suppose. Then bed. (Hopefully with smooches.)

We got in around 1:30am and I had dozed on the plane so I was wired when I got into bed. I wish I could just shut my brain off sometimes. Being scatterbrained is quite exhausting.

~//~

I've decided that if Jen moves me to icky JebBushVille, she has to buy me a house with a swimming pool. I will accept no substitutions.