Judecorp.

Is this thing still on? Does anyone hang out here anymore?

Life goes on and time is flying around here. My big girl will be four years old a week from today and I can't even believe it. How can it be FOUR YEARS since I delivered that tiny baby girl? I felt like such a rock star that day, powering through that labor and delivery. That was four years ago? Amazing. Punk is such a smart, sassy little thing and she has already developed a four year old's attitude. She completed her first year of preschool and learned a lot of things, including the life cycle of a frog, the water cycle, and about crazy things like archipelagos and isthmuses. Amazing.

My sweet baby boy is seven months old, has two teeth, and is learning to crawl. It's almost time to bring up the baby gates, and I've already had to start hiding some things. I don't think I'm ready for him to fully crawl; we haven't had a baby-proofed house in so long! He sits up like a champ and loves to play with his little toys, his hair is adorable baby chicken hair, he yells and squeals and blows raspberries and shouts DA DA DA DA DA at me (while I say back, "MA MA MA MA MA MA.")

We're in the swing of summer vacation and survived our first week. Life is exhausting with two children, one of whom doesn't really like to sleep, doesn't like pureed baby foods but chokes and gags on finger foods. I get very little, very broken sleep and have a preschooler who doesn't nap. We've instituted "rest time" and that has gone well this week, but the weather has sucked so no burning energy at the park or backyard. Booooooo.

What is going on with you guys?

I am always amused by "all or nothing" ideals, especially about parenting which is NEVER all or nothing. And I am endlessly amused by the "attachment parenting" community on LJ.

Did you know that you can't really be an attached parent if you don't breastfeed? And that an attached parent always keeps the baby in the sling instead of the baby bucket?

I'd love to see one of these "attached parent gurus" pull the newborn baby out of the bucket which is in the warm car, shove him in a sling, walk him up to the preschool for the 5 minute preschool drop-off/pick-up, then cram him BACK into the bucket for the drive home, instead of leaving him sleeping inside his warm little bucket and putting him back without him even knowing he was in a preschool.

But what do I know? My kid drinks out of a bottle so we're not bonded anyway.

/snark

Today I feel like SuperMom. Not bad for my first day back at work after a week of sloth.

I stayed at work until 3, then drove to the office to take care of some paperwork and schedule with my supervisor, then went to pick up Punk. (Who, by the way, is now wearing underwear to day care. !!!!) We came home and I read approximately 98943890123890 issues of Babybug and Wild Animal Baby. I then set her up with a huge stack of Sesame Street books and went to make some dinner. In between I also did a load of laundry. Punk likes to "help" with folding, and she matches all the socks.

It wasn't the most amazing dinner - some cubed and sauteed chicken, cheesy rice (using up some of that velveeta left over from the SuperBowl), and some leftover vegetables - but it was tasty and filling and not terrible. I procured some applesauce for the toddler and put the leftover food away for Jen and rinsed out the dishes.

After dinner I let her watch the Veggie Tales video we borrowed from the library while having some snuggle time, and then we did bath and then bed prep. While running the bath, I also emptied her laundry hamper and wiped up some sort of spill/leak on the bathroom floor that I believe is coming from the diaper sprayer. Now the child is in bed (though I doubt she is sleeping, she IS quiet at present), I did another round of Laundry Switcheroo, and am now about to indulge in a little internet and eating of PEZ.

Somewhere in there I also realized that I forgot to pick up my prescription this afternoon, so I managed to convince a former coworker to pick it up at the hospital pharmacy and then - get this - drive it to Jen at work. All while cutting up chicken and switching out laundry.

SuperMom.

For three days a week, I life out my greatest fantasies. And then, for the other four... not so much. But especially around this time of year, and especially /this/ year, some parts of my life are exactly the way they're supposed to be, because I'm finally some little person's mama. I'm quite sure I dreamed my whole life about these moments.

Oh sure, I've been a mama for 2.5 years now, but this year, THIS holiday season, I'm the mama of a kid who "gets it." She is holiday crazy and it is /perfect/. Holiday life with a toddler is the most amazing thing in the entire universe.

On Friday evening, my child got a visit from her grandparents on Jen's side, and as usual, she charmed the pants off of them and they filled her to the brim with Disney merchandise. Which, by the way, she is in love with. On Saturday, we took her to the mall to get her holiday portraits done, and she was so awesome about it, and so charming and adorable, that they were super and we ended up ordering the overly pricey photo cards from them (instead of making our own) because the pictures were just THAT cute. While at the mall, the grandparents proceeded to buy her more licensed merchandise.

But oh! She has the holiday spirit for sure. We have written a letter to Santa. We have discussed what she wants Santa to bring her. (A "crown and shoes.") We have sat on Mall Santa's lap and she delighted him with her excitement and her wishes. My SIL has provided us with an "Elf on the Shelf" which has been named and loved and is looked for every morning. We have purchased a plate specifically to leave Santa some cookies and milk. Every drive through town in the evening is brought with a chorus of, "Mama! Pretty lights! More pretty lights!" It is a good time.

This morning I took my little child to the post office to put her letter to Santa in the special Santa mailbox. (Our town is so cheeseball and I love every second.) And in that moment, every piece of my heart was whole. This is exactly what I was meant to do, and I could do it 10 times more.

If only I didn't have that stupid job.

Punk was having a heck of a time settling down for nap this afternoon. It's probably because of the low-key morning we had due to the heat, the humidity, and the fact that I needed to bring my car in for scheduled maintenance. Not enough exercise and all that. So anyway, she was an absolute toddler wreck at lunch time (deliberately being a rascal) and did not fall asleep at naptime, and in fact carried on for about an hour and 15 minutes playing, knocking around, talking, whatever. I went in once with the Voice of Doom but all that bought me was 20 minutes of quiet before the carrying on resumed.

At about 1:20 I tried a different tactic, went in there, scooped her up with me in the rocking chair, wrapped her up in a blanket, and rocked. Rocked like we haven't rocked in about 7 months. She tried to play at first, but I let her know that the rocking chair was for sleeping with Mama and if she wasn't sleeping, she was going back in the crib alone. And we rocked, in the A/C (glorious!).

It was such a blast from the past, rocking with my baby girl, looking through a sliver of open eye to see her start blinking, then more blinking, then the long blinks, and then out like a light. For a few moments I got to hold her there, like a baby instead of an ornery little girl, stroking her hand and kissing the top of her head.

Sometimes every kid needs a little Mama.

Random hysterical crying last night? Check.
Terrible night of sleep? Check.
Fever in the morning? Check.
Sobbing on the mama at diaper time? Check.

Moms' diagnosis of ear infection: Correct.

~//~
Two hours of sleep for me, one from 11-12, and another from 4-5. Jen and I are splitting the day home with Punk. I got the 'pediatrician walk-in hours, pharmacy run, hydrate and feed kid' shift, and will go to work when Jen comes around noon. Until after 7. Late night at work on two hours of broken sleep. There is not enough coffee in the world.

Aaah, the glamourous life of a mama.

Jen is taking teacher certification tests all day, so Punk and I are riding solo. (Well, I guess we can't be solo if we're together, but you know.) It's been a pretty chill day considering Ms. Punk is a veritable drool factory and some tooth/teeth is/are on the horizon, looming. She's got a big bulge on her bottom right side that I originally thought was a molar but now think might be a canine, and she's got something on the top left that I think is trying to drop in as well. She doesn't let me in her mouth enough to know what's up on the other side. But she's been requiring near-constant cosleeping these days and has been pretty restless, although last night was better.

This morning we took a long walk down to downtown E'ton. The original plan (once I got going) was to walk to this cute little Cafe Ralphine that I have never checked out, maybe get a little iced coffee and split a muffin with Punk before walking back. Except that when we got there it was 8:30 and they didn't open until 9, so we walked back. I can't believe she spent an hour in the stroller with no fuss - NEVER happens. Usually I get around the corner from my house before she makes noise to get out. Maybe it was the busy roads, no idea. Either way, when we got back it was hot and humid, and we were sweaty and did not have a muffin. Sad. Also, whatever I was thinking when I walked for an hour in flip flops was way off base. Aah well.

Got home, got her down for a morning nap (her predictable hour), ate a little breakfast, put diapers in the dryer, fun fun times. When she got up, I thought about taking her somewhere, perhaps for lunch, but decided against it and instead we have had a lazy day at home, playing and laughing a lot and just being goofy in general. Punk has taken to putting things on her head which cracks us both up, and she did a lot of good playing with the shape sorter, ring stacker, and blocks (I am determined to teach her to stack blocks). She also threw a lot of toys and drooled like a faucet. Fun!

Lunch was a little stressful thanks to Little Miss Throwing-Food-Is-Fun. Man, I wish I had a dog so I didn't have to waste time in my life trying to sweep up couscous and green beans and lentils. We also had fun letting her spoon-feed herself some applesauce; she is way into trying to spoon-feed these days. A little more playing and then the afternoon nap, which gave me time to make some lunch (yay!). I made a box of mac and cheese and slipped some into a container for her dinner. She will be pleasantly surprised.

I sent Jen a text message somewhere around 10:30 or 11am. I know that she can't have her phone on during the tests but I also know there was a break in between so I'm not really sure what is up. I haven't heard anything from her since she left around 7am.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary (which is always bittersweet because it means my dad's death anniversary is right around the corner, since he died right after we got married) and I took Jen to this restaurant near our house called Tavern On the Hill which is (duh) up on this big hill and it looks out over the whole valley. The weather was gorgeous and the view was gorgeous and I meant to bring my camera which of course means that I forgot it. Damn. I took a picture of the view with my phone but that hardly matters.

Luka and Clara hung out with Punk for two hours while we were out and it was cute talking to them when we got home, because Luka was all, "We're JUST getting around to eating now," and "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to clean up from dinner because things were crazy," and "Oops, I left the dirty diaper in the baby's room," and I a) remembered those crazy days of new parenting when everything felt like juggling and b) felt damned proud of myself that things run pretty seamlessly around here most evenings unless something random happens.

So basically I've been married for three years and am a kick-ass mama. Not too shabby for a couple of hours out. :)

(Technically this isn't something I never blog about, but it has been a while.) It's a three-fer!!

1. Can you tell me more about your gender identity and how it has evolved, particularly before/during/after pregnancy, but also in the time period before you ever started the "being a mama" process?

2. For awhile there, most likely hormonal changes and stuff you were getting to be a little "girlie" and I don't mean that as negative, but you let your hair grow out more and wore more dresses, etc... I remember you posting a lot that you felt very gender neutral like not one way or the other (which is kind of how I remember you, btw). Anyhow, I recall you posting about these differences and you hadn't mentioned in awhile, how do you feel now-a-days. Are you back to your neutral self or do you still feel more lady-like?

3. Ok- a question about your hair... I have seen some hott pics of your hair in different states- you look uber sexy with a buzz, but then, I have seen that beautiful (and girly) pic of you in a swanky dress with girly hair! I know that you identify as all over the map, but can you explain the huge variance in your spectrum? Are there days when you feel like being super girly, and then days where you feel like being super- um, un-girly?

Oh, and did the birth of August change the way you felt about your gender-identity?

Hormones are very powerful things, my friends.

One of the things I learned when I was doing all of the tests for PCOS was that I had elevated testosterone. This is not at all uncommon in people with PCOS. In fact, other that the elevated testosterone, my hormones were all really, really low. Which is apparently why I never even got close to ovulating. Which is why I didn't have polycystic ovaries. (Which is why doc #2 said I didn't have PCOS. Go doc #3!) But I digress. I am a very happy person with elevated testosterone and little other hormone action. No cycling. No mood swings. No unexpected bleeding. No crazy zit attacks.

Taking fertility meds definitely changed a lot of things for me, and most of them were not positive. I really didn't like not being even-keeled and mellow, and I didn't like the ups and downs of cycling. I didn't like having boob pain and I didn't like breaking out every month. I didn't like spontaneously crying. I /did/ like losing a ton of weight. BUT. Losing weight changed my entire body shape.

When I lost all of that weight, I needed new clothes, especially pants. Before I lost weight, I predominantly wore men's pants. After I lost weight, men's pants looked silly and fit poorly. I needed to buy women's pants. Which fit AWESOME. But they all had that 'cut,' you know? Low rise, tight at the knees, flare at the bottom. In other words, they were 'how YOU doin'?' pants. Even if they were camo cargo pants, they were GIRLY camo cargo pants.

I started to realize that having boy hair and girly-girl pants looked REALLY stupid. So I let my hair grow for a bit, encouraged by vlindinhauer, who did great hair. I also realized that wearing boy shirts and girly-girl pants looked stupid, too. So I got girly shirts (which are all tight! wtf?). And what can I say? I make a cute girl, as far as girls go. But a few things happened: 1) I started getting a LOT of attention from guys, especially strangers, and 2) I got pregnant and people started treating me like "the little woman." I effing hated it. Especially when I used to pass as a guy sometimes.

In a perfect world, I'd like to sort of be able to float between both worlds - boy when I want to be, girl when I want to be. I don't mind when people can't tell. I don't mind if I get 'sir, uhh... ma'am' action. I don't mind if people assume I'm queer. (I found that I do mind a little bit when people assume I'm not. I guess I'm not used to that.)

I gained back all of the weight I lost during pregnancy and I haven't been able to shake it. But the changes to my body shape have not gone away. My boobs, which were already lopsided (one just under an A and the other just over a B) got even MORE lopsided with nursing since I only had milk ducts on the right side of my right boob (now a C) which makes me hate them more and makes me more inclined to bind them. But I haven't, mostly because my body is tired and out of shape and craptastic and I don't really care what I look like these days.

I'm glad I cut my hair off, though. It was cute, and I looked pretty hot (I would have totally done me), but it felt funny. I loved the feeling of being pregnant, and I loved my big belly full of baby, but I hated being treated like a pregnant woman. I hated people assuming I was 'uncomfortable,' offering to carry things for me or pump my gas, assuming I was hotter than someone else on a hot day. I hated butch women giving Jen a high-five because I was pregnant, yet ignoring me. I hated never being able to pass, not even a little. And while I loved nursing, I hate my boobs.

I do see myself as a mama, a birthing mama, which I suppose is female at its very core. But I still don't feel like a woman. Heck, if Punk wanted to call me 'daddy' or 'baba,' I would be totally cool with that, even though she came out of my body.

I think the weirdest thing about being girly for a year or two was how I was treated so differently. I was the same person all along but my life with others was SO different. I'm glad to be rid of that. For now. Who knows? I could always switch it up again. (But I kinda doubt it.)

I don't feel like I answered everything, or that I was particularly coherent. Feel free to keep asking.

( Pics. )

Punk had a banner day today.

We were looking for something cheap to do that wasn't the mall (dear God I hate the mall, please smite the mall) and after looking at the admission price for the butterfly exhibit thing ($12/person, ouch), we decided to go to the big Yankee Candle flagship store. What we didn't know is that they were having some sort of Winter Extravaganza event and it was PACKED. Like "stalk someone to their parking spot" packed.

We got to YC a lot later than we intended and I figured we would have an hour there, tops, before Punk had an exhausted meltdown. We went to the restaurant that is there (Chandler's) - whoops, there goes "cheap" - and for the first time ever, Punk sat in the restaurant high chair for the entire meal! I got to eat with TWO HANDS! She was amused with toys and oyster crackers which ended up on the floor and I realized, yep, we're "those people." Oh well. Then we went into the store.

She rode in the stroller a lot longer than I expected her to and was really enthralled by all of the stuff there. We sniffed a million candles and looked at all the other stuff (that place is crazy!) and when she got fussy in the stroller, I put her in the mei tai and she was good for a while more. I think two hours went by before I realized we should really feed here ASAP as she was likely to crash out hard in the car. She sucked down her bottle in one of the gift shops, went to the bathroom with Jen for a diaper change, and did indeed fall asleep in the car. And then took a good 1.5 hour nap (or longer) when we got home!

It's amazing how much older she seems to have gotten almost overnight. It really kind of chokes me up when I think about it. She now can sit by herself pretty well - I can't really leave the room while she's sitting but I don't have to hover over her, either - and was so comfortable in that high chair at the restaurant (which has no support). I spent most of yesterday calling people and leaving the message, "My kid has two teeth and is army crawling all over the house!" and already today I have had two heart attacks when she scooted her way over to outlets and plugs. Time to rearrange things!

She will be dashing around the house on her hands and knees in no time. She can go one or two "steps" that way but then will belly flop and do the rest with her arms. She is amazing. She seems to love to develop new skills in big spurts, which is cute in some ways and an emotional kick in the pants in others.

I need to upload pictures. I have a bunch from as far back as Super Tuesday.