Judecorp.

(Technically this isn't something I never blog about, but it has been a while.) It's a three-fer!!

1. Can you tell me more about your gender identity and how it has evolved, particularly before/during/after pregnancy, but also in the time period before you ever started the "being a mama" process?

2. For awhile there, most likely hormonal changes and stuff you were getting to be a little "girlie" and I don't mean that as negative, but you let your hair grow out more and wore more dresses, etc... I remember you posting a lot that you felt very gender neutral like not one way or the other (which is kind of how I remember you, btw). Anyhow, I recall you posting about these differences and you hadn't mentioned in awhile, how do you feel now-a-days. Are you back to your neutral self or do you still feel more lady-like?

3. Ok- a question about your hair... I have seen some hott pics of your hair in different states- you look uber sexy with a buzz, but then, I have seen that beautiful (and girly) pic of you in a swanky dress with girly hair! I know that you identify as all over the map, but can you explain the huge variance in your spectrum? Are there days when you feel like being super girly, and then days where you feel like being super- um, un-girly?

Oh, and did the birth of August change the way you felt about your gender-identity?

Hormones are very powerful things, my friends.

One of the things I learned when I was doing all of the tests for PCOS was that I had elevated testosterone. This is not at all uncommon in people with PCOS. In fact, other that the elevated testosterone, my hormones were all really, really low. Which is apparently why I never even got close to ovulating. Which is why I didn't have polycystic ovaries. (Which is why doc #2 said I didn't have PCOS. Go doc #3!) But I digress. I am a very happy person with elevated testosterone and little other hormone action. No cycling. No mood swings. No unexpected bleeding. No crazy zit attacks.

Taking fertility meds definitely changed a lot of things for me, and most of them were not positive. I really didn't like not being even-keeled and mellow, and I didn't like the ups and downs of cycling. I didn't like having boob pain and I didn't like breaking out every month. I didn't like spontaneously crying. I /did/ like losing a ton of weight. BUT. Losing weight changed my entire body shape.

When I lost all of that weight, I needed new clothes, especially pants. Before I lost weight, I predominantly wore men's pants. After I lost weight, men's pants looked silly and fit poorly. I needed to buy women's pants. Which fit AWESOME. But they all had that 'cut,' you know? Low rise, tight at the knees, flare at the bottom. In other words, they were 'how YOU doin'?' pants. Even if they were camo cargo pants, they were GIRLY camo cargo pants.

I started to realize that having boy hair and girly-girl pants looked REALLY stupid. So I let my hair grow for a bit, encouraged by vlindinhauer, who did great hair. I also realized that wearing boy shirts and girly-girl pants looked stupid, too. So I got girly shirts (which are all tight! wtf?). And what can I say? I make a cute girl, as far as girls go. But a few things happened: 1) I started getting a LOT of attention from guys, especially strangers, and 2) I got pregnant and people started treating me like "the little woman." I effing hated it. Especially when I used to pass as a guy sometimes.

In a perfect world, I'd like to sort of be able to float between both worlds - boy when I want to be, girl when I want to be. I don't mind when people can't tell. I don't mind if I get 'sir, uhh... ma'am' action. I don't mind if people assume I'm queer. (I found that I do mind a little bit when people assume I'm not. I guess I'm not used to that.)

I gained back all of the weight I lost during pregnancy and I haven't been able to shake it. But the changes to my body shape have not gone away. My boobs, which were already lopsided (one just under an A and the other just over a B) got even MORE lopsided with nursing since I only had milk ducts on the right side of my right boob (now a C) which makes me hate them more and makes me more inclined to bind them. But I haven't, mostly because my body is tired and out of shape and craptastic and I don't really care what I look like these days.

I'm glad I cut my hair off, though. It was cute, and I looked pretty hot (I would have totally done me), but it felt funny. I loved the feeling of being pregnant, and I loved my big belly full of baby, but I hated being treated like a pregnant woman. I hated people assuming I was 'uncomfortable,' offering to carry things for me or pump my gas, assuming I was hotter than someone else on a hot day. I hated butch women giving Jen a high-five because I was pregnant, yet ignoring me. I hated never being able to pass, not even a little. And while I loved nursing, I hate my boobs.

I do see myself as a mama, a birthing mama, which I suppose is female at its very core. But I still don't feel like a woman. Heck, if Punk wanted to call me 'daddy' or 'baba,' I would be totally cool with that, even though she came out of my body.

I think the weirdest thing about being girly for a year or two was how I was treated so differently. I was the same person all along but my life with others was SO different. I'm glad to be rid of that. For now. Who knows? I could always switch it up again. (But I kinda doubt it.)

I don't feel like I answered everything, or that I was particularly coherent. Feel free to keep asking.

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