On fathers
Feb. 1st, 2002 07:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpWhen I was a little boy, my father had a scrapbook of my baseball accomplishments. Every game, every blurb, was carefully snipped out of the newspaper and placed into a photo album.
He attended every game. He calculated my batting average, and then spread it all over the place. "My daughter bats .830" or whatever. All the time. He argued with umpires. I remember when my coach told him truthfully that the reason I wasn't moved up to the higher league was because I was a girl - he was livid, furious, rigid.
We played catch in the backyard or the driveway every night. Every night. He threw hard, and wild, and he never let my age be an excuse. Or my girlhood. He encouraged me to dive for the ball, to jump, to throw as far as I possibly could. Every night.
With all of these wonderful memories, it was awfully confusing when he would hit me, or say the horrible things he said with regularity. What was worse, though, was when I was required to say the horrible things myself. They seemed much more believable coming out of my very own little mouth.
Maybe that's why I can't take compliments. Maybe that's why positive attention makes me nervous. I need to work on that.
He attended every game. He calculated my batting average, and then spread it all over the place. "My daughter bats .830" or whatever. All the time. He argued with umpires. I remember when my coach told him truthfully that the reason I wasn't moved up to the higher league was because I was a girl - he was livid, furious, rigid.
We played catch in the backyard or the driveway every night. Every night. He threw hard, and wild, and he never let my age be an excuse. Or my girlhood. He encouraged me to dive for the ball, to jump, to throw as far as I possibly could. Every night.
With all of these wonderful memories, it was awfully confusing when he would hit me, or say the horrible things he said with regularity. What was worse, though, was when I was required to say the horrible things myself. They seemed much more believable coming out of my very own little mouth.
Maybe that's why I can't take compliments. Maybe that's why positive attention makes me nervous. I need to work on that.
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What I'd like....
Date: 2002-02-01 04:54 pm (UTC)Remind me of this often. Please.
Re: What I'd like....
Date: 2002-02-01 05:06 pm (UTC)As for the not-so-great stuff, well, those were difficult times for my father as well as everyone else. It didn't make a lot of sense when I was, say, nine or ten, but I think I have a lot more insight on the total picture these days.
I just wonder, though, whether all of the insight, understanding and forgiveness is enough to chip away at the knee-jerk reactions, the flinching, the sensitivity, etc. I haven't been upset about these things for nearly 10 years now. I have total peace in my heart. I just wonder how many of my little quirks are automatic.
You, my friend, are and will continue to be a wonderful father. Hannah is a lucky girl.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-01 07:11 pm (UTC)Talking about things is important.
If you ever need at any time....to talk or help or just a hug or whatever....I'd like to help out as much as I can.
M-
no subject
Date: 2002-02-01 10:18 pm (UTC)You know
Date: 2002-03-01 06:37 am (UTC)(begin ramble)
I personally hold a grudge against most of my sex for what they are and do, but to be honest, the shots that hurt the most as a awkward teenager were from women*. The girls were far more cruel then the guys. Are girls as cruel to one of their own? Or are they worse?
*I remember one girl actually saying she'd rather f*ck a dog then me...and was almost forced to do so...something which probably genned a sexual kink for me.
(close ramble)
Don't mind me...I'm not all there.
Re: You know
Date: 2002-03-03 07:41 am (UTC)My father /did/ stick up for me, and for that I am proud. I would not be the person I am today if I didn't have a father who believed that gender limited me, because I was raised also by a grandmother who did. For all of the things that were not good about my relationship with my father, the fact that he consistantly told me I could do anything (instead of learn to clean and be a wife) helped create me.
Yes, I was livid that I was held back because I was a girl, but more importantly, I didn't understand it at the time. I was too young to really get the gist of sexism, and my mother's answer was always the passive "well that's the way things are" which I resent in her. What was uplifting, though, was that most of my teammates (mostly boys) were also infuriated. That wouldn't change Little League administration, but perhaps it's changing things now. *hope*
I don't think that things like this are the reasons I have against my body, though I do resent my body in a lot of ways, ways that were exacerbated by birth control and are a longer rant for another time. But suffice it to say my body isn't shaped the way I'd like it to be. Phooey.
I'm sorry that the girls in your life were such a negative. When I was growing up, I was always better received by boys than girls, especially as a younger child. Teenaged girls are horrible things, and prepubescent girls are, too. Hell, kids are just so fucking mean, it's sick. Girls /are/ cruel to their own. One thing that pops instantly into my mind (which doesn't even come close to "fuck a dog") was this girl Laura Nunes in high school saying as loud as she possibly could in the direction of me and my friend Danielle, "Wow. This is an /Academy/. I thought people were supposed to dress like they had money."
High school sucks.
Re: You know
Date: 2002-03-03 10:52 am (UTC)Re: You know
Date: 2002-03-05 06:08 am (UTC)Ryu from Street Fighter, hmm? Me too. :) That would totally rock.
I think there always is a balance, I just think everyone needs to find per own balance. I'm so Tao that way.
Re: You know
Date: 2002-03-05 10:26 am (UTC)I changed peer groups in high school too...started hanging around with academics, which helped. It was good not to have to hide being able to think on my own.
Re: You know
Date: 2002-03-05 11:00 am (UTC)(Which is just fine with me, thankyouverramuch!)
Being able to think is good. In my high school, a lot of the popular kids were also very smart (yay private school) so they ended up liking me a lot, which was kind of weird for antisocial, antiestablishment me. :)
Re: You know
Date: 2002-03-05 11:29 am (UTC)Hehe..I'll take your word for it on the gi thing...