Those dreams are dead, but I'm alive

[judecorp]

This is a roller coaster kind of day. But I suppose every day will be a little less weird, a little less demanding. I got my futon today. I settled on the full sized one because no one in the entire city of Columbus except the ridiculous and expensive fancypants futon people had a queen. So then, to make up for it, I got a really keen astrological print bedspread for my new digs. Today I'm going to clear out the extra room's closet so I can move my junk in there. I should stop calling it the extra room. It's /my/ room.

This morning I told A. that I had made an appointment to go to counseling by myself, through the university, where it's free (and since it's summer, they weren't too booked, and I'm getting in almost right away). About 10 minutes later, no joke, he starts looking in his employee handbook for insurance information (the same info he didn't want to get for the past couple of weeks). I stood my ground this time, and said, "I'm going by myself. At least for now." I waited. I asked. I all but begged. He said he didn't want to go. Okay.

The power kept going on and off last night. After the third time of having the power go off and frag up my computer, I said 'screw it' and left it off. I colored a picture, hee, I bought coloring books for work and went to town, talking on the phone coloring some Rugrats. I love the smell of crayons.

But I'm sad, today. I'm a strong person, and I can handle this. I can handle anything. But there's something inherent sad about someone you love crying in front of you because they don't want their life to change, but they don't want to be intimate with you either. How frustrating. I can deal with him not wanting to be intimate with me anymore (emotionally and/or physically) - I'll move on. I can deal with him wanting to try to keep it together - I'll work on our relationship. However, I can't do both - I can't emotionally/physically move on /and/ go through the motions to keep his life neat and tidy. I can't, and more importantly, I won't.

I'm rambling in the LJ again. Bah! How annoying. I want someone to come over, watch a movie with me, and just... want to touch me in some way. Like, a tiny little connection. Lay their head on my shoulder. Ask me what I think about something, or what my favorite color is, and why, and what does it smell like?

Something.

~//~

It's been a long time since I watched these lights alone
I look around my life tonight and you are gone
I might have done something to keep you if I'd known
How unhappy you had become
But I was dreaming of you, with my heart in your hands
And I was following through with my beautiful plans
Yeah, and now I'm rolling down this canyon drive
With your laughter in my head
But I have to block it out somehow to survive
Cause those dreams are dead
And I'm alive.

Comments

Can it be me?

[hazelpeach.livejournal.com]

I'll be there this weekend. So will Baga, surely one of us, or even both of us on either side of you, would cuddle and spoil ya in some way.

We'd get a funny movie. (So I can understand at least some of it if your telly isn't captioned... but if you bought it within the last seven years, I'm /sure/ it is.) Or we could just go for a walk. Then you'll have a human body there to interact with emotionally. Not a phone. Not a computer screen. Not words. I so know how you feel from time to time.

My daughter is great company. She hugged me last night and said, "Mommy, what's wrong?" I just said, "I had a crappy day." Then her little arms go around my neck, "Here's a beeeg hug for you, Mommy. Did that make your day better?"

But it doesn't heal the matters that lie within the heart.

What I'm trying to say, HubbyBoobs, is that I so know how you feel and I am so coming this Friday and we are so going to have some fun, some kodak and some kleenex moments!

Three days! :) Heheheheheee..

I'm so weird.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

and if that doesn't work, we'll forget men, and go Thelma and Louise ourselves off into Mexico, without the death part.

Re:

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Two months before A. and I got together, I'd decided I would stop dating men entirely, and though I /am/ still attracted to men, identify as lesbian because it was easier than 'Well, I'm bi/pan/whateversexual, but I'm only going to date women.' Then I met him, and said, 'Oh, hey, what's one more? This is the last one.'

Who'da thunk?

Re: Can it be me?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Baga's not the cuddle type of brother. He's the type who will walk in and announce in a booming voice, "What I want to know is does it work? Will it might my penis, man?" in a bad Sean Connery accent. I love him for that.

But I will caption all my television, and am chock full of funny movies. I haven't decided yet what I want to do with you on Friday night. Or Sunday. Or anything.

But thanks for coming over, Jig. You're great. :)

Re: Can it be me?

[hazelpeach.livejournal.com]

*gulp* do with me? What do to with me??? With me? Do? *GULP!*

Hey, nothing extravagant needs to be planned. I'll be more than perfectly happy to just to be with someone, sharing movies, sitting around talking. I haven't had that in.. gah.. MONTHS. No need to go out on a limb trying to entertain me. Despite how.. cheesy it sounds: I'm easy to please. (And no.. that's not a pun.)

I think your brother may scare me. :) Heh.

Re: Can it be me?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No, my brother won't scare you.

But I guarantee that the combination of me and my brother will scare AND annoy you.

You have been warned.

Whoa!

[kungfoogirl.livejournal.com]

You mean the DIE at the end.

That just TOTALLY ruined this movie for me.

=)

actually, I've never seen Thelma and Louise.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

pthbt.

except that I know you've been through all my damned Dykes to Watch out For books, girlie. So I know even if you never done saw the movie, Alison Bechdel spoiled it for you long before I did.

(besides. reread it. think. do I say anything about whose death? I say 'without the death part.' I could just be referring to general movie killings. so whose spoiling it now, smarty pants?)

Ditto

[kungfoogirl.livejournal.com]

I go through that all the time. And then some guy comes along and kinda makes me re-think things.

I don't regret those times when I've questioned my "lesbian-ness", but they do tend to be more stressful than when I date girls.

I dunno why, but dating women is just so much less stressful for me... except for the asking them out part... that's awfully scary. But after that, it's easy.

But you should date girls. That's more fun. And take karate. Kicking ass is fun too. I bet you'll feel MUCH better about things of you go spend an hour punching and kicking things.

But friends help. And brothers help. Hope things go well. =)

Re: Ditto

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I'm gonna start calling martial arts places when I'm not running around like a headless goon. My second session summer class starts tomorrow, which means it's 5 weeks instead of 10, so you have to go twice a week. Ugh. And that means there are 5 weeks left in the quarter, and I've done /nothing/ for my independent study. Eep.

My independent study should be to KICK SOME ASS! (And date women.)

Re: Ditto

[kungfoogirl.livejournal.com]

Now that is an independent study that I can really appreciate.

If you need assistance with either, let me know. I'm willing to shoulder the heavy burden of helping you kick ass, and date women.

I know, I know... it's a lot of work. And a lot of responsibility... but I am willing to kick as much ass as I have to, and to date as many nice girls as I have to. All in the name of education.

=)

Re: Ditto

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, had I but known you would be so helpful, I would have written a different proposal. As it is, I am trying to interview queer kids about their Central Ohio high school experience.

But I'd rather the project were more /hands on/. WHOO! And more ass-kicking.

BAM!

[juliann.livejournal.com]

I sworn off every gender before I met timmie. It happens that way I think. But better still, his ex-fiancee dumped him to go women-only. Thank goth she did or I'd never have gotten my greedy paws into him! (She decided she liked boys again right about the time I got him. Neener.)

Re:

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Hee!

That's cool. I just hate everyone.