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judecorpI spent the early evening walking around Antrim Park with Carina, Tayler and Tyler. The weather was springtime perfect, comfortable in a light sweater, softly setting sun on newly-sprouting trees. The air was tinged with the scents of mud, lakewater, and tree blossoms. It was electric, the way people were exalted over the weather - fearing cold and being pleasantly surprised.
The first half of our second lap was spent with Tayler on my shoulders until my neck couldn't stand anymore. The second half saw Tyler's legs wrapped around my waist, her arms around me, and her head on my shoulder, nose to neck. I almost wish she'd fallen asleep that way.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to parent children. I think I was seven or eight when I decided that I wanted to adopt as many children as I could afford. (Shoot, I never imagined that number would be NONE!) I felt the guilt of population growth and the guilt of unwanted children and decided adoption was for me. (When I later found out I don't ovulate, it was like the cosmos agreed with me.) I've never changed my mind.
I laugh at people who talk about biological clocks, and I shudder sometimes at the responsibility of my pets when I'm so swamped with work, school, and existence. I pride myself on my freedom, my independence, and my ambition.
This evening, I wanted a child so badly I could taste it.
The gentle tickle of Tyler's nose on my neck coupled with the weight of her five-year-old-ness on my numbing arms were, for lack of a better word, completeness. If that wasn't enough to do it, though, these soft words would: "I like the way you hug me, Jude."
Carina, you have done, and will continue to do, a wonderful job with the girls. Thank you for letting me enjoy them for a little while, and you along with them. But thank you, Eternal Designer, for letting me share, someday, in the phenomenal experience of parenthood. I promise you, I promise you with everything I am and everything I strive to be, that I won't make you regret giving me that chance. Someday.
I like the way you hug me too, Tyler.
The first half of our second lap was spent with Tayler on my shoulders until my neck couldn't stand anymore. The second half saw Tyler's legs wrapped around my waist, her arms around me, and her head on my shoulder, nose to neck. I almost wish she'd fallen asleep that way.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to parent children. I think I was seven or eight when I decided that I wanted to adopt as many children as I could afford. (Shoot, I never imagined that number would be NONE!) I felt the guilt of population growth and the guilt of unwanted children and decided adoption was for me. (When I later found out I don't ovulate, it was like the cosmos agreed with me.) I've never changed my mind.
I laugh at people who talk about biological clocks, and I shudder sometimes at the responsibility of my pets when I'm so swamped with work, school, and existence. I pride myself on my freedom, my independence, and my ambition.
This evening, I wanted a child so badly I could taste it.
The gentle tickle of Tyler's nose on my neck coupled with the weight of her five-year-old-ness on my numbing arms were, for lack of a better word, completeness. If that wasn't enough to do it, though, these soft words would: "I like the way you hug me, Jude."
Carina, you have done, and will continue to do, a wonderful job with the girls. Thank you for letting me enjoy them for a little while, and you along with them. But thank you, Eternal Designer, for letting me share, someday, in the phenomenal experience of parenthood. I promise you, I promise you with everything I am and everything I strive to be, that I won't make you regret giving me that chance. Someday.
I like the way you hug me too, Tyler.
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i'll make it worse!
Date: 2002-04-23 07:33 pm (UTC)http://www.xheather.net/shyanne/
may I suggest piano (http://www.xheather.net/shyanne/piano.jpg) in particular? ;)
hahahhahaha... now you're gonna be like, "awwwwww!!"
that's my neice. and she makes ME even wanta have a kid...that's scary.
Re: i'll make it worse!
Date: 2002-04-23 07:41 pm (UTC)http://www.badadam.com/images/nebraska/
and yeah... kids would be nice... as soon as I'm done being one myself.
Re: i'll make it worse!
Date: 2002-04-23 07:46 pm (UTC)i don't feel like such a dork having uploaded all those now. :)
if
Re:
and this one (http://www.badadam.com/images/nebraska/adamnebraska.jpg) could get you a lot of chicks.
no subject
Date: 2002-04-23 08:03 pm (UTC)Bu, you're more than welcome to come and practice on her when you move to Boston, as often as you want! Ohhh, we can take her geocaching. =)
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Date: 2002-04-23 08:09 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-04-23 09:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-23 09:21 pm (UTC)I will likely not have kids, because while I love kids from about kindergarten age up, I really can't bear the thought of a toddler. or an infant. I can't bear the thought of having to mop up for them, having to civilize them, having to clean up their poop and get up in the middle of the night for them and wake up at 6 am for them and not go out in the evening for them and be quiet for them and all the other things. I like playing with them, enough, but I can't stand the thought of having to *really* take care of them at that point. I know I can. I know it's different when they're yours, etc. But I really don't want to. If someone handed me a 6 year old, I'd be happy with that. But I don't think I could deal with a Very TIny Person.
And so when you say things like this, it doesn't really surprise me, because I, too, would have problems bonding with someone that unformed/new to being a person. As she grows, and her personality comes out, as it is from your posts about her, I think you'll find you have less problems with it (my mother says she did; she didn't like toddlers, and actually still says she didn't want to have children, and not in a joking fashion, but when we're talking, seriously, she says that she would have preferred not to, she really wasn't geared to motherhood, but she was catholic, and it was the 60s, and if she wanted to make love to her husband...there was always the chance).
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Date: 2002-04-23 11:34 pm (UTC)Once again, you get away with something that would get me arrested.
Sigh. I love that position.
Not with Tyler, of course.
Maybe with the Powerpuff girls, though*sirens blare*
P.S. My sister told me today that it's okay if I flirt with you.
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Date: 2002-04-24 01:38 am (UTC)Re: i'll make it worse!
Date: 2002-04-24 04:14 am (UTC)Re: i'll make it worse!
Date: 2002-04-24 04:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-24 04:16 am (UTC)*smile*
Date: 2002-04-24 04:16 am (UTC)no subject
no subject
Date: 2002-04-24 04:19 am (UTC)(But hey, thanks for thinking of me! *wink*)
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Date: 2002-04-24 05:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-24 06:02 am (UTC)and actually, i just wanted to see your reaction when i showed you my 'turkey baster'. har har!
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:)
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Date: 2002-04-24 01:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-25 06:52 am (UTC)You asked her permission? :)
Re:
Date: 2002-04-25 11:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-04-25 09:05 pm (UTC)