Sometimes things are not as they seem.

I made it through the Anniversary nearly completely unscathed. I have very good friends and people who care about me a great deal, and for that, I am VERY thankful.

I want to mention them again, for helping make today bearable, and for reminding me that sometimes even the bravest knights scrape their knees. So thank you very much, in no particular order, Christina and Mark and Stephanie and Wynne and Kristofer and Guy and Mom and Devon. Thank you.

So one would think today was a personal success, right? Well, think again. I got home to an email that really upset me. I have a friend who I've known now for almost 8 years. She is probably the only person I could live in a small room with for three years and survive, and smile through the whole time. I asked her to be the Maid of Honor at my wedding, and I was so fucking proud to have her beside me. Jesus. I'm crying now. I don't shed a single tear about my ridiculous marriage crisis, but here I am crying over Jodie. Goodness. I never cry.

Jodie thinks I think she is this horrible person who just hates and judges and criticizes, and I don't know why that's true since just last night, I sent her a big apologetic email saying that I loved her and didn't think she was judgmental. But nothing I seem to say or do is going to change her mind on this, and it just leaves me with a humungous lump.

The catch? I'm supposed to be spending a wonderful, relaxing, long week visiting her in just a few short weeks. And right now it's like she can't even stand to talk to me. I don't know what's up. I just know that I wish I knew what was going on so I could try to fix it.

So, Jodie, I know you don't read my journal, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I may have done, or continue to do. I really need you, even if you don't see that.

An open apology to my body

Dear body,

I know I said I would stop doing this. I promised that I would eat at least one full meal and one pseudo-meal every day. And drink lots of water. I know that I swore up and down that I wouldn't slip back into not sleeping and not eating. I'm sorry I gave you the shakes, and I'm sorry that you're dehydrated, and I'm sorry you're tired.

I'm drinking water right now - are you happy? When that settles in my stomach, we can talk breakfast. Just please, please, PLEASE stop being queasy. I know you've had a rough couple of days.

Love,
Jude

p.s. Here's some orange juice. You like that.

~//~

I'm nobody's wife and I'm nobody's baby
I like it that way, but then again, maybe...
And I'm nobody's Valentine and I'm nobody's pearl
When you get right down to it, I always seem to find just some girl, singing
There are monsters, there are angels
There's a peacefulness and a rage inside us all
There is sugar and there is salt
There is ice and there is fire in every single heart
There are monsters, there are angels.
I'm nobody's promise, and I'm nobody's chore
And I ain't got nobody that I feel I've got to live for
(nobody to live for)
And I'm nobody's work, and I'm nobody's company
And every time I turn around I always seem to find just me, singing
There are monsters, there are angels...

p.s. I forgot to mention!

"Hedwig and the Angry Inch" is hysterical. I will never look at an oven the same way again. And Tommy Gnosis is just gothboi-ically delicious!

And an OSU Parking Attendant person was entirely flirting with me in this disgusting middle-aged man way. He ran my plate (or my permit #, not sure which) while Wynne and I were in my car. He then proceeded to come over, and with this HUGE smile, say, 'I'm so disappointed in you. You have no violations.'

And there was me, in all of my ass-kicking boy glory, wearing, of all things, a *football jersey*. And so I smiled back, and I played coy. But I had to physically /will/ myself not to say, 'Oh? Were you hoping to violate me, mister?'

Arr, mateys!

My Pirate Name:

Your pirate name is:

Captain Anne Bonney
Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

ANGRY!

Those of you that know me know that I am very rarely angry. I mean, I like to debate, and I get fired up about things, and I'm passionate, but it is quite rare that I am stomping mad - the kind of mad that builds hot, angry tears and makes your fists ball up and makes you want to break glass.

Right now, I am that kind of mad. I haven't been this kind of mad since February, when I had an altercation with my field placement liaison that resulted in MY having to apologize to HER for HER miscommunication (she called my boss and told him I didn't want to work there anymore). But I digress.

I just found out that A. talked to a friend of mine, a good friend. And in the process of talking, he told said friend that yes, he is entirely ignoring me. That yes, he got my note, and yes, he read it, but no, he wasn't going to even mention it and he is going to ignore me. Perpetually.

He's not ignoring my laundry hamper, though. Oh, hell no, he comes in every effing morning to stuff his dirty clothes in there. Which I have been washing, weekly, because I wasn't going to be /that/ kind of ex. Because I wasn't going to be bitter like some of my friends wanted me to be. Because I was a nice person who does nice things for her friends, and he was my friend, and I was going to do nice things.

But NO. I'm apparently such a GREAT friend that I deserve to be ignored.

Get a fucking nutsack, Aaron. I'm so fucking through with you.