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Dream Journal - Thursday Morning
Jan. 31st, 2002 08:51 amI had a rather bizarre dream. It had you in it, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
happy2beso.
In my dream, I was in my childhood home in Rhode Island. We live in a different apartment now, and I wasn't in that apartment on the second floor - I was on the first floor, where I lived before my father got together with the stepmonster. The set-up of my bedroom was circa 1985 or so - bed against one wall, television with Atari. The one (very cool) difference was that I had a deck outside my bedroom and sliding glass doors. And, like, a yard outside those doors, instead of my neighbors' house.
So I was in my old bedroom, a nearly empty room. I was packing for Boston. A. was there, and we were sitting on my bed with no sheets, and he told me that he did love me, he was still in love with me, but that he'd told me that he wasn't so I would be able to do what I needed to do. He had such a pained look in his eyes, as if they were threatening to cry. I felt the familiar anger bubble up inside of me, felt the usual pattern ~ I would be upset about something, I would confess my upset, he would start to cry, I would feel awful that he was crying and set about trying to console him, thereby casting my own issues aside, and then I would be angry at him for derailing my upset. So I asked him to leave, and I called Don.
(Don was my best friend in junior high and early high school. He was my first love. He was the person I lost my virginity to. We used to stay up half the night talking on the telephone, and I would fall asleep on the phone, and my Dad would come by and hang it up.)
I called him and all I said was, "Don, he did. He fucked with me. He said he is in love with me." And the next thing I knew, Don was at my house. (There was some 'dream weirdness' in there where I knew I had to go to the grocery store across the street, that they were doing my shopping for me and I had to pick up the food, but anyway.) He gathered me into a big hug and then we went out on my deck. He sat cross-legged on the wood planks and I laid my head on his knee. He stroked my hair and my back and kept telling me it would be okay. And I was /sobbing/. Big, heaving movie sobs.
Somehow he got me calmed down and we were about to go to the grocery store when Lara came over. She had no idea what was going on, she just stopped by. Don confessed his frustration, while I was in the bathroom, that I was upset and he didn't know what to do and this was why. Lara's advice was quiet and sure: "Ask her about Jennifer."
I came out of the bathroom (and the stepmonster came home, and for a minute she was going to walk into the bathroom on me like A. did and I was shouting, "No! I'm naked! I'm naked!") and went back into the bedroom and for once I didn't make an effort to put on my optimism and my best smile. I was a mess. Don looked up at me and patted the edge of my bed. I sat. He said, "You haven't told me about Jennifer yet."
And that was it. My head ducked and my cheeks reddened and I found myself smiling so hard I thought my face would crack. I described her in awestruck detail: what she does, what she likes, who she is. I gushed. Lara looked at Don with an 'I told you so' look, and my first love grabbed both of my shoulders and said, "You'll go to Boston tomorrow. Leave your stuff. We're going to New Jersey."
I stammered and made excuses about my new apartment, signing the lease, packing, promising my father. He stared me down and said, "Do you remember my surprise party?" (Editor's note - his mom and I threw him a surprise party the night before he left for Basic Training. We had our first kiss that night.) I nodded. He said, "That was the defining moment of my life. And this is yours."
I woke up curled on my right side, my arms thoroughly wrapped around my pillow with the red, flannel pillowcase.
happy2beso.In my dream, I was in my childhood home in Rhode Island. We live in a different apartment now, and I wasn't in that apartment on the second floor - I was on the first floor, where I lived before my father got together with the stepmonster. The set-up of my bedroom was circa 1985 or so - bed against one wall, television with Atari. The one (very cool) difference was that I had a deck outside my bedroom and sliding glass doors. And, like, a yard outside those doors, instead of my neighbors' house.
So I was in my old bedroom, a nearly empty room. I was packing for Boston. A. was there, and we were sitting on my bed with no sheets, and he told me that he did love me, he was still in love with me, but that he'd told me that he wasn't so I would be able to do what I needed to do. He had such a pained look in his eyes, as if they were threatening to cry. I felt the familiar anger bubble up inside of me, felt the usual pattern ~ I would be upset about something, I would confess my upset, he would start to cry, I would feel awful that he was crying and set about trying to console him, thereby casting my own issues aside, and then I would be angry at him for derailing my upset. So I asked him to leave, and I called Don.
(Don was my best friend in junior high and early high school. He was my first love. He was the person I lost my virginity to. We used to stay up half the night talking on the telephone, and I would fall asleep on the phone, and my Dad would come by and hang it up.)
I called him and all I said was, "Don, he did. He fucked with me. He said he is in love with me." And the next thing I knew, Don was at my house. (There was some 'dream weirdness' in there where I knew I had to go to the grocery store across the street, that they were doing my shopping for me and I had to pick up the food, but anyway.) He gathered me into a big hug and then we went out on my deck. He sat cross-legged on the wood planks and I laid my head on his knee. He stroked my hair and my back and kept telling me it would be okay. And I was /sobbing/. Big, heaving movie sobs.
Somehow he got me calmed down and we were about to go to the grocery store when Lara came over. She had no idea what was going on, she just stopped by. Don confessed his frustration, while I was in the bathroom, that I was upset and he didn't know what to do and this was why. Lara's advice was quiet and sure: "Ask her about Jennifer."
I came out of the bathroom (and the stepmonster came home, and for a minute she was going to walk into the bathroom on me like A. did and I was shouting, "No! I'm naked! I'm naked!") and went back into the bedroom and for once I didn't make an effort to put on my optimism and my best smile. I was a mess. Don looked up at me and patted the edge of my bed. I sat. He said, "You haven't told me about Jennifer yet."
And that was it. My head ducked and my cheeks reddened and I found myself smiling so hard I thought my face would crack. I described her in awestruck detail: what she does, what she likes, who she is. I gushed. Lara looked at Don with an 'I told you so' look, and my first love grabbed both of my shoulders and said, "You'll go to Boston tomorrow. Leave your stuff. We're going to New Jersey."
I stammered and made excuses about my new apartment, signing the lease, packing, promising my father. He stared me down and said, "Do you remember my surprise party?" (Editor's note - his mom and I threw him a surprise party the night before he left for Basic Training. We had our first kiss that night.) I nodded. He said, "That was the defining moment of my life. And this is yours."
I woke up curled on my right side, my arms thoroughly wrapped around my pillow with the red, flannel pillowcase.
