judecorp | Prep for a lavage! (Reply)

Everyone write this down: I watched television today! And I don't just mean I turned the blasted thing on to watch a movie, oh no, I watched honest-to-goodness network television. It was Mark Greene's last episode on ER. You see, I used to be a hardcore ER junkie. I remember when Baga and I would randomly shout out assorted ER lingo. We'd be sitting at mom's on couches by a christmas tree, and one of us would start: cross-table, C-spine, Chem 20, chest film, blood gas. "Gimme a Chem 20 and a Coag panel." Cross-table C-spine was always together, like one word. CrosstableCspine.

So anyway, right now I feel like a member of my family just died. I knew Rachel was going to get a balloon. My eyes were that word that begins with M that means slightly wet. Mark Greene was always my favorite. I wonder if Baga watched.

I was reading

grrlbandit's LJ today. I don't remember how I found her originally, but we were both leaving the midwest (she was in MI or WI or something) to move to Boston. Well, she's there now, in Watertown, and unemployed. She's looking for jobs, is happily in new love, and that is awesome. Me? I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

My field instructor was very surprised to hear that I might not move. Then again, he knows very little about my life outside of Children's. I told him that A. and I broke up a little while after it happened because it was a big event. I don't think I've told him much since. Everyone has a different opinion. Coworker Velma thinks I should stay because of finances, and John does too. Hope and Megan have short-sighted theories that make me rather irritated in their oversimplicity, but they think I should go. My father, undoubtedly, wants me to go. Adam overwhelmingly wants me to stay, and so does Carina. All of the

klumbis kids, probably. But I know I would also be welcomed in Boston with open arms.

I don't write about love anymore, and that saddens me quite a bit. Last Friday morning/early afternoon felt like running full speed into a cement wall, and I think I'm still scraping myself off of it. That was less than a week ago, when I was pushed to the breaking point and snapped in my little office on the 4th floor of the Union. If Saturday's events hadn't happened, I don't know where things would even stand. Hell, I'm not sure I know now.

I know that I'm letting people down, whatever I choose, wherever I go, whatever I do. I know that there will be people who say I'm making the right decisions and people who say I'm making the wrong decisions. I know that whatever I choose, I will make a happy existence for myself, because that is what I do. I know I will work hard. I know I will smile, and make others smile, too.

Perhaps in the leftover melancholy of Mark Greene's final episode, I can muster up enough emotion to actually feel something. I had said in utter frustration last week that soon I would explode or shut down. I didn't know I would do both, but I did, and I have. I feel so oddly empty inside, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I try to fill myself up again by doing what I had been doing, but it doesn't feel right. I am trying to perform to certain expectations again, and I know that is the wrong thing to do and a dangerous path to set out on. All I really know is that I don't know anything at all.

I have 4 weeks of school left. Ever. Yay me. I should pack all of my stuff, throw away anything even remotely extraneous, and get in my car. And then I should drive. Pick a direction and go. And when I get there, whatever. Just disappear into mediocrity. Disappoint everyone all at once - equal opportunity shitstorm.

Geeze, I'm an emo motherfucker tonight. That's what I get for watching fecking television.