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judecorpWhy is it that I think I'm a decent case manager/therapist, but an unattentive partner?
Why do I have such a hard time with other people's tears?
Why do I only let people see certain parts of me?
Why do I get so freaked out about money and financial issues?
Why do I play such a sneaky control game with my emotions?
Why am I not sure about what my gender is?
Why haven't I done my dishes yet?
Why am I even typing this?
Why do I have such a hard time with other people's tears?
Why do I only let people see certain parts of me?
Why do I get so freaked out about money and financial issues?
Why do I play such a sneaky control game with my emotions?
Why am I not sure about what my gender is?
Why haven't I done my dishes yet?
Why am I even typing this?
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-07 08:46 pm (UTC)So I could give j00 the cyb3r!
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Date: 2003-05-08 01:37 am (UTC)Hell *I* don't even worry about money much anymore, except the occasional panic about coming up with something by a certain deadline. Because worrying just makes me sick and I owe it to myself and my loved ones to stop doing it. And then I think of the people that you help, who don't have parents to help them out, and I feel like I'm being selfish just to even consider being freaked about not having a *car* when they don't have a *home*!!
I guess I am finally learning to count my blessings. And I know that no matter what comes up, people who love me will find ways to fix it for me. I may not get all the playmobil vikings that I want, but I have all of the stupidly expensive orthopedic pillows and shoes with springs in them that I need. And that's enough.
It took me a long time to learn to rely on my support network. That was pride talking. And it made me sick and it made me stupid. But you've seen how much your friends and relations are willing to give for an impersonal third party cause -- why would you think they wouldn't do three times as much for you personally? Again, it's a matter of pride to not want to see that safety net for what it is -- there and waiting to catch you if you fall. But once you "lower" yourself (or that's how it felt to me) then it's very comforting. Even moreso when you can go without it, but you still know it's there just in case of emergency.
Sorry about the sermonizing, it's just a change I have made in myself in the past six months but haven't really explained well to anyone. It took my mother scolding me over and over to finally wake up to reality. But it shouldn't have taken that, it was just my pride that was in the way. Pride is very overrated. Friends, family, safety and security are much better.
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Date: 2003-05-08 02:22 am (UTC)This is a paraphrase of something I posted a while back...difference being that it's about me rather than the original author.
When something is difficult, an opportunity comes into being. Part of us looks for the exit marked "I'm no good at this," "this just isn't for me." That doorway is not the one that opens more doors. I have been absolutely convinced that I was a failure as: A friend, a high school student, a college student, a graduate student, an intern social worker, a paid social worker, a boyfriend or would-be boyfriend, a cyclist or pursuer of fitness, an activist.
It's a FEELING. It doesn't open doors.
Good morning.
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Date: 2003-05-08 04:10 am (UTC)YOU ARE HUMAN!!!
*hug*
Don't sweat it, just do your best to face it and deal with it. At least that's what I try to do. *shrug*
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Date: 2003-05-08 05:07 am (UTC)Why is it that I think I'm a decent case manager/therapist, but an unattentive partner? Because you have much more faith in your vocation than in your emotions and your abilities in a relationship.
Why do I only let people see certain parts of me? Because your afraid of their response if they knew all of you?
Why do I get so freaked out about money and financial issues? Because its an easy thing to worry about, an easy thing to focus on to take your mind off of other matters.
Why do I play such a sneaky control game with my emotions? Because you don’t like being out of control emotionally.
Why am I not sure about what my gender is? Because you think that, in the end, it matters and you focus on it too much.
Why haven't I done my dishes yet? Because your typing this up :)
Why am I even typing this? Because you needed the release.
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Date: 2003-05-08 05:11 am (UTC)"Fear is just a feeling. You feel hot you feel cold, fear won't hurt you."
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Date: 2003-05-08 06:19 am (UTC)I suppose the problem with vague, incomplete posts is that the reader doesn't really know what's going on. And that's my problem, not yours. But I'm not worried about my finances, so you don't need to lecture me about that. :)
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Date: 2003-05-08 06:21 am (UTC)HA!
Foolish mortal, you have no idea! Mwahahaha!
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Date: 2003-05-08 06:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 06:36 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2003-05-08 06:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 06:40 am (UTC)Because you have much more faith in your vocation than in your emotions and your abilities in a relationship. Well, I have a pretty emotional job. But I really have ~zero~ faith in my relationship abilities.
Because your afraid of their response if they knew all of you? Nah. I think it all comes down to control.
Because its an easy thing to worry about, an easy thing to focus on to take your mind off of other matters. This is probably very true.
Because you don’t like being out of control emotionally. Amen, brothah!
Because you think that, in the end, it matters and you focus on it too much. Well, in our society, we're brought up to think that gender matters, and that we're not even supposed to think about it. We're born with it, externally (per society), and it affects our lives. I don't think that one can focus on gender too much. But then again, that's why I'm a gender studies nerd, and you're a nerd, period. ;)
I still haven't done my dishes. Tonight, possibly.
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Date: 2003-05-08 07:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 07:09 am (UTC)Well, I have a pretty emotional job. But I really have ~zero~ faith in my relationship abilities. I wasn’t calling into question the emotional state of your work. I was speaking more of your emotions as they are involved in relationships (as well as your abilities with the relationships themselves) :)
Nah. I think it all comes down to control. Doesn’t just about everything?
Well, in our society, we're brought up to think that gender matters, and that we're not even supposed to think about it. We're born with it, externally (per society), and it affects our lives. I don't think that one can focus on gender too much. But then again, that's why I'm a gender studies nerd, and you're a nerd, period. ;) True enough. I do hope you don’t mind me going on about something for which I have little to no direct knowlage of. . . everything I know comes from my own feelings and my experances with friends and ex’s.
First off I really wasn’t brought up that way. . . my parents were rather good at letting me figure out things and people for what or who they are and having me base my judgement on that and not external factors like gender.
Yes it does affect out lives. And yes, for the most part, I think you can’t focus on it too much. However I think when such focus becomes a negitive thing. . . then your overdoing it.
And are you saying there is something wrong with being a nerd?
*laughs as he puts his pocket protector in*
Then again I have always seen myself as more of a geek than a nerd. :)
I still haven't done my dishes. Tonight, possibly. Sure sure ;)
Again I do hope you don't mind the comments.
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Date: 2003-05-08 07:14 am (UTC)Why is it that I think I'm a decent case manager/therapist, but an unattentive partner?
There is a difference between your work and your personal life. You are invested in the people you help at your job, but it is just your job. You have a strong enough work ethic to feel comfortable in the services you provide your clients. In your personal life you have worries and doubts about your abilities struggling with your feelings and mixed in with your needs and your wants. You say something like this - I am not good at relationships. I think you are. I think in a relationship there is give and take and a balance between what is given and what is taken. Maybe it seems like you aren't any good because you don't have the experience in this like you do in the rest of your life. Maybe you just need to learn how to be "good" like you want to be. I don't know. Only you can know truly. But I can tell you that no one is perfect in relationships. No one. Relationships, the good ones are always changing and evolving and it is up to the people involved to change with it.
Why do I have such a hard time with other people's tears?
Maybe you have a hard time because you don't react the same way. Maybe you have a hard time because you feel helpless to do anything in the face of tears. Maybe they just make you uncomfortable. All of these are valid. If you want to change your reaction or the way you deal with tears, then you should confront those feelings and the cause about it when the tears are over.
If someone cries all the time, someone you care about, then maybe they just deal with emotion that way. Maybe they are vying for your attention. Maybe they are overwhelmed by emotion and life. Maybe it's just the way for them to purge the feelings from inside. If it makes you uncomfortable then you need talk to that person or group of people about it. It may not change the frequency of the tears, but maybe you both can understand the other more when it happens.
Why do I only let people see certain parts of me?
Why? Honestly? You are under the impression that no one wants to know the real you or cares to know and cultivate the real you. And you are maybe afraid that no one will like the "real you" or want to hang out with you.
Personally I think that is bull shit. The part about no one liking the real you. There are people out there who have only seen one side of you and they like that side. There are some who do not like that side. There are people out there who have seen other sides to you and some have liked and some have not. Even if someone sees a part of you that they may not like, it doesn't meant that that person will stop caring about you. Those that are put off by a part of you and throw out the whole of you are not worth your time and concern because they certainly don't have any depth themselves if they are only attracted to the surface.
I think, for me at least, that I see a whole bunch of you, the real you. When not so great stuff happens, I may not react well to that, but it doesn't change how I feel about you as a person. You can only hope to have people accept your whole self if they can experience it. And if you don't show it to them, then they never will. If you want people to do this, then you need to take that chance. Otherwise you will only get in return what you put out.
Why do I get so freaked out about money and financial issues?
Because you feel guilty that you have it. And you feel guilty that others do not. And money issues were a hotbutton for you and you worry so much about not having it be such an issue it colors all of your thinking and becomes and issue anyway. At this point in your life you are responsible for you and your money. You can choose to feel responsible for others by either offering them money or declining to offer them money. Those people have the responsibility of their own funds to deal with as well. You can offer them aid. They have to choose to accept or not accept. But once you offer them aid, you have made a decision and if that decision bother syou later, then stop offering until you can be sure it won't bother you again.
(continued because I talk to much)
no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 07:15 am (UTC)Again, in all honesty, I think you are afraid of your emotions because for the first time in your life as you remember it, you can't control them or curb them as you have in the past. You seem to spend a lot of time maintaining this in control persona that you expend a lot of energy maintaining that. And in those instances when things go out of your control, it is that much more devastating to this self image.
Why am I not sure about what my gender is?
Why do you have to be sure? What do you have to define it or label it? Why can't you just be? Hell I am in love with you. You, the person you are with all the gender and control quirks. Unless you want it for you, you certainly do not have to define your gender. Maybe there are no words in your language yet to define what you are and only time can fully explore that definition.
Why haven't I done my dishes yet?
because you are all wound up about the feelings that drove you to write this and the feeings in your life right now.
Why am I even typing this?
I am not sure. I am not even sure that you want answers from anyone, let alone from me, to your questions....but you did type it so it is getting answered and you may never know why you did it in the first place.
Well....there is my opinion and my piece. I know I certainly don't know the full story in some of this stuff, and my perception of other bits is clouded by what I do know....
You are human. You are flawed and you are also perfectly you.
You are loved dearly and deeply as well as superficially. You affect others. You affect me.
I am yours. Your devoted friend. Your devoted girlfriend. Yours. And I want you. The person you are just as the people around you seek you out for the person you are.
Sometimes words on here aren't enough. Sometimes too much. If it's one or the other, let's use words in person, okay?
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Date: 2003-05-08 07:41 am (UTC)http://www.dfwstangs.net/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=98486&perpage=20&pagenumber=1
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Date: 2003-05-08 09:56 am (UTC)And Jude, with the exceptions of the gender thing and the dishes, I freak out about all the same things. So we can just blame Mom & Dad. But at least I do my dishes.
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Date: 2003-05-08 10:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 11:20 am (UTC)I worry about money all the time. Not my money, but money in general. Costs, need, want, expenses, income... it seems like so much has a price tag. I really believe that money is never a good reason to keep you from doing something, but at the same time, I find myself spending TO do things, like satiate unmet needs that could be fixed elsewhere, for myself and others.
It's hard to articulate, but you've got a stranger-friend here in NC nodding silently with you.
I don't want to suggest ideas to your questions; I think the questions are the statement themselves. I am awed by your ability to even think about them, let alone articulate things that I imagine (if they're like mine) are more of thoughts or feelings trapped just out of reach of my vocabulary.
I imagine you have and will get a lot of advice on gender, ranging from it doean't matter to why label it... no one wants to admit we want labels, but we do. It provides a sense of belonging, not necesarily to a group, but to something that makes our journey tangible, something you can map, chart, and maybe even predict.
My gender is my biggest confusion point. I don't know WHAT I am. Some days, I feel like I'm one thing, some days I find myself in a totally different category. All of those days confuse me just as much as they confuse the bagboy at the WInn-Dixie. But in moments like this, right now, reading your journal and typing to you, or while I'm teaching my kids, driving my car, cooking rice, drinking a Coke, it's in those moments that I don't have that question (or rather, I don't consider the possible answers). Those are the moments I shape my life with; and gender DOES matter and we WANT to quantify it. We think that quantifying is the first step to qualifying it. Maybe it is. Who knows? All I know is today, I feel like Kathryn, confused, worrisome, lonely sometimes, content... THAT's my gender. Kathryn.
Look at me, waxing philosophical and getting no where, fast. I love to read your words and the words you and your beautiful girlfriend express here. Thanks for letting this stranger find a small ounce of comdradere through you.
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Date: 2003-05-08 07:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 07:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-08 07:52 pm (UTC)p.s. You're a crappy therapist! But you are a /great/ Ghostbuster.
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Date: 2003-05-08 08:32 pm (UTC)no one wants to admit we want labels, but we do.
Those are the moments I shape my life with; and gender DOES matter and we WANT to quantify it. We think that quantifying is the first step to qualifying it.
I'll be the one offering the quiet, "Yeah," in the corner. Right on, Kathryn. I think we're speaking the same language. Thank you for not feeling the need to answer rhetorical questions. I appreciate it.
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Date: 2003-05-09 03:32 am (UTC):)
Redhead cheerleaders perfered.
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Date: 2003-05-09 05:35 am (UTC)Just bring me the Olsen Twins.
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Date: 2003-05-09 05:44 am (UTC)Still not sure about them myself. . . so your free to have them.
For now.