Relationships, Africa, Fecking Blah

[judecorp]

I was thinking today that it's been almost exactly two years since my last big relationship ended. While it wasn't officially /over/ over (legally, things didn't end until June of last year), we had decided to go our separate ways. When I was walking back from the Short North post office this afternoon, I had a few moments to think about everything.

It started because I was reading journal entries from the beginning of my journal, and followed them to July 14th, apparently the day that A. said he wasn't in love with me - the vocal beginning of the end, if you will. In there, I got some sobering remarks from juliann about how marriage was about partnership more than it was about love, and that if we wanted the marriage to work, it would. I still debate the truth of that statement somewhat (sometimes I think all the work in the world won't fix everything), but there's definitely some reality to the fact that neither one of us, by that point, was terribly into the idea of trying to work things out, and so it was time to let things go.

I'm not foolish enough, naive enough, or romantic enough to believe that good relationships don't require hard work. On the contrary, I believe that sometimes the work is /more/ difficult when things are going well, because it's so easy to let little things slip when everything else is on such an even keel. We're so conditioned in our society to buy flowers, for example, after an argument instead of when things are pleasant. Regardless of my tangent, the fact of the matter is that while I believe that the best relationships take work, I also believe that if you're doing all of your time working and fixing, something's not right. When your relationship becomes a job you don't feel good in, it's like being chained to your desk/cash register 24 hours a day. That can't be good, either.

I was telling Jennifer this afternoon at lunch that I think one of the reasons things had to be put on hold with us last summer was that my mind and my heart were simply unable to grasp the concept of working at a relationship at that moment, since I was still coming down from so many years of working too hard. It's not that I believed that our relationship didn't need (or deserve) work, it's that I just wasn't able to give it at that moment. We needed some decompression time, and unfortunately it took a big explosion for us to realize that, but hey, everyone screws up and misses stuff. ;)

While I think I've healed and am willing (and prepared) to put out effort into relationships (ours in particular) again, I don't want to work /too/ hard at it. Right now, the feeling of contentment and right-ness comes so easily to us, and I have to believe that that is one of our greatest strengths. I don't want to analyze it or think too much about it, because to rationalize whatever it is that makes us special would cheapen the experience for me. While reading the Tao this morning, this passage reminded me so much of her, and of us, that I had to share it with her: Do you have the patience to wait / til your mud settles and the water is clear? / Can you remain unmoving / til the right action arises by itself?

For a long while, even a while into my relationship with Jennifer, I was still struggling with wondering whether I'd done wrong by "giving up" on my last relationship so quickly after everything was out in the open on his side. I was struggling with whether or not I was rebounding by getting into another serious relationship so quickly after ending the first one, or whether it was a mistake to get so emotionally involved when the loose ends still weren't settled with A. In short, I was a big fat glassful of muddy water, and I was drawn to her so much, and wanted her so badly, that I didn't realize it (or that hers was muddy, too).

I think the break we took last summer gave each of us, in our own different ways, a chance to let our mud settle and our waters to clear. Both of us are actors rather than waiters, but the forced separation, and withholding of even much phone and computer contact, made us wait instead of try and try. Jennifer's decision to go to camp last summer and my decision to stay in Columbus - both decisions we thought signified the end of our relationship - are what allowed us to be where we are right now. Amazing.

I asked her at lunch if she thought it was too soon for us to be starting our life together - if two years after my marriage was a long enough time between making a commitment nearing that magnitude again. She reminded me that less than two years ago, she was engaged to another woman. I'd forgotten, since all of my relationship doubt is always focused on me, not her. I think both of us really didn't have much choice when it came to being together.

So yeah, I definitely could have continued to work hard at A's and my relationship, and I really do believe that we would now be right where we were then (or worse). I believe that whether I knew I was doing it or not, the non-action of the Tao was helping me to stop trying, to let things go in order for the right thing to happen by itself. In making my choice, I used to berate myself, in my dark days, for "giving up," but now I like to think of it as remaining unmoving.

And let me tell you, when it comes to that girl, I am /definitely/ not moving. And you have no idea what a long and difficult mental road it's taken me to be able to say that.

Comments

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

That quote from the Tao is very wise. It's very much the approach I'm trying to take with The Sorta-Girl (*laughs at the silliness of the title for Ka, but realizes that it's pretty appropriate to how the relationship is going*). There are two things that I have learned in life about relationships, and they've only come after the age of 25; the first was "if you think that love is about skyrockets and clearing skies, you'll be sadly disappointed; fairy-tales don't exist in reality", and the other was the oh-so-wise "slow and steady wins the race" (I have to fall back on Aesop because of my feeling more connectedness with the Greek pantheon and the philosophical tenets that arose in that cultural context; even though this is the same basic idea as the quote you posted from the Tao). [gods, that is a mega-run-on sentence!]

So, basically I'm contenting myself with the idea that if things are to workout with Ka, it'll happen in it's own time and I simply need patience. And patience is something that I've had to work hard at developing. And it's hard with relationships because there's this nagging voice in the back of my head going on about my age (biological clock ticking???), but I also know that I don't feel the need to be paired-off and married by a certain age, and that's why I think it's easier to ignore that voice and just let things happen as they will. And being patient and allowing what will happen to occur will be the happier course in the end.

Damn, you're getting me all philosophical. Well, you and this silly musical soundtrack I'm listening to right now ("Mamma Mia", Original West End cast; it's one of my favorite discs).

Making a marriage 'work'

[haloumi.livejournal.com]

I too have a problem with the notion that two people can somehow make a marriage 'work' even though they don't love each other. It puts this huge weight upon both parties as if this perfect union can always be maintained by anybody - hence the failure of the marriage is always someone's fault.

Yes, a lot of marriages break down because the partners may have made bad decisions in getting married, one may have concealed their problems about the marriage from the other or one outgrows the other. Marriages also break down because people rush into marriage because it's put up as this big thing - a sign of success. So there are external pressures as well, which can mask a lot of the internal ones.

I'm very lucky in that I'm married to my best friend. She rocks. Seriously. We've been together 6 years and things get better every day, even when the outside world makes things harder and tougher. But I got married when I was 30. I was old enough to have made some mistakes and done my dumb things. I didn't marry the first person I went out with and I knew my wife for 4-5 years before we got married.

We respect each other and we love each other. If you have both of these things then you have a really good chance of making any relationship work. If you don't love each other and you don't have that mutual respect then you may be able to live in the same house and pool incomes. But a marriage? It's not.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about fairy tales. I find it somewhat laughable now that fairytales, and Storybook Love, were the theme of A's and my wedding. How wrong I was to think that if I wished hard enough, all of the issues would work themselves out. As Mark Knopfler wrote, "Don't you know that Storybook Love always has a happy ending?" It took me a while to realize that the happy ending could be different than I'd thought, or that sometimes there /is/ no happy ending - just an ending.

I wish you a lot of luck with Ka. I'm glad that you are opting to "take things slow," especially because she seems really conflicted right now. A more passive approach on your part will likely keep her from freaking out on you. :)

Making a marriage 'work'

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I definitely agree with you.

I know that I got married too young. Not just because I hadn't experienced enough of the world yet (even the parts I /knew/ I wanted to experience and willingly gave up), but because I was less sure in myself and less able to withstand the pressures of society and my family. There is /so/ much pressure put on getting married. It's terrible. It's as if two people can't date and get to know each other - if someone isn't thinking of marriage there must be something wrong with the relationship. This is one of the reasons I'm so glad to be with Jen -- I know Grandma won't be pushing the marriage card! (Kidding. ;) )

But basically, I think you are a big smartie pants and know what you're talking about. And someday, I would like to meet this best friend of yours so I know what my competition is. :)

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

Yeah...sometimes, like tonight, I get the impression that she's wanting me to push further than I am, but I know that I want to take things slowly and carefully because of her whole situation with things with her ex not being at a clean resolution. And again tonight her ex seemed to want to call repeatedly because I was over. It gets a little frustrating because she knows she can push certain buttons with Ka, and Ka's really starting to get frustrated by it, but she's also not telling her to knock it off, so...

Heh...I can just imagine going on for hours about this really warped situation that I've seemed to have fallen into the middle of. *laughs wryly* Ah, well...I'm just going to relax, not worry too deeply about it, and see where things lead. And I'll be posting about it yet tonight, or maybe tomorrow, depending on how tired I am in the next few minutes.

Making a marriage 'work'

[haloumi.livejournal.com]

Heh. I know she'd love to meet you too.

I'm really hoping that the next time I'm in the US I can make it to sunny Ohio.

Re: Making a marriage 'work'

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

When you come back to the US, I will try like hell to get to you. :)