In Which He Gets Real
Feb. 23rd, 2004 07:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpSometimes I think I'm not cut out for social work, and then I remember that really, I'm just not cut out for this job. Being a children's services ongoing caseworker is about 15% helpful work, 10% anger management, and 75% spinning your wheels because of politics or bureaucracy or laws or the inability to control other people's behavior. I never fully understood the phrase "mentally exhausted" until I took this job. Sure, there were days at other jobs when I would be pretty worn out, but this is a daily thing, and it hits almost the minute I walk through the door.
I was supposed to have a pretty easy week - I am taking this really cool, "no brains required" two-day training on Hip Hop Culture that really just makes me nostalgic and leaves me thinking of my![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
smurfbrother and humanbeatbox. I saw Slick Rick the Ruler in the opening scenes of Brown Sugar and said, "Six minutes, Doug E. Fresh, you're on," and was the only person in the whole training class that knew that "Rappers Delight" by the Sugar Hill Gang was the first real rap recording, in 1979. (What is wrong with these people?) Yeah, so I was excited about this, and the prospect of it being the end of the month and I've already gotten all of my kids seen and my paperwork done. I'm just that good.
See, what fucks with me when it comes to this job, and I will lay it all on the line here, is that I am a perfectionist. I don't need to be right all the time, and I don't need to do everything by the book, but I need to get everything done and get everything done well. One of the reasons I'm a Golden Child at my job is because (barring any crazy circumstances) I will /always/ get my kids seen before the last minute, I will /always/ have my paperwork in on time, I will /always/ be prepared in court, and I will /always/ answer phone calls promptly. I currently have no clients who dislike me, adults or young people, and that is saying something when you work for children's services, let me tell you. But the chaotic nature of this job ensures that I can never be organized. (And if you take a look at my closet, you'll know I /have/ to be organized.)
So my easy week has been waylaid by a 14-year-old girl whom I like very much, but her family is the bane of my caseworker existence. There is one drama after another, over and over and over. My easy week was stymied by her decision to run away from her respite provider's house after making everyone's life miserable all weekend, insist that she would not return to her foster home, have a mental breakdown at the Intake Department last night, and then try to refuse to go to the new placement we found for her. This all means, really, that since all of this went down at around 11pm last night, and since I wasn't in my office all day today, I got a billion phone calls about this girl, and now have to shift my schedule around to take care of her, and cancel meetings to go to her meetings. What sucks is that I was supposed to meet with this father I have been tracking down on Wednesday, and I have to cancel with him to take care of this girl. Which means I probably won't see him at all (I had to do a tapdance to make the appointment in the first place), which means that I won't be as prepared for court as I would like, which /really/ bothers me.
When my personal life is in chaos, I get really anxious and irritable and panicky. When my professional life is in chaos, I get exhausted. I suppose that's proof of my ability to handle my job's duties effectively, but it's little consolation to me, really, because if I'm exhausted, then it's easier for my personal life to become chaotic.
Daina asked me to go to a concert with her on Wednesday, and I would love to go. And then I realized that my day on Wednesday looks like this: (9:00) get to work, (9:30) meeting about girl, (11:00) team meeting, (1:00) try to see Dad I had to cancel at 10:00, (3:00) home visit on west side, (4:00) home visit on north side, (6:00) volunteer until 9:00. And as much as I would love to go and see this band and have some beer, I don't know if I'll be able to really do that without any sort of unwinding. And that pisses me off because I deserve to go out, dammit!
I'm sure my recent surliness is enhanced by the absence of my Jennifer. While absence likely /does/ make the heart grow fonder, I was already pretty damned fond of her. I missed my opportunity to chat with her on the phone last night because of the Intake Girl, and I didn't sleep well last night (because of Intake Girl and being alone in bed) which makes me miss her more. Bleagh.
What's odd about the whole thing is that I'd actually call last night and today a success. My job is not a good fit for me, but I am a good fit for my job, because I'm just that good. And I rocked the party at my Hip Hop training, and dropped my car off at Alternative Auto for repairs, and I got a free check for $13.46 in the mail thanks to a CD class-action suit I signed up for a million years ago, and I walked to Daina's and she gave me tuna casserole, and we went for a walk. So either I'm doing /something/ right, or I'm living in serious Delusionville.
I was supposed to have a pretty easy week - I am taking this really cool, "no brains required" two-day training on Hip Hop Culture that really just makes me nostalgic and leaves me thinking of my
smurfbrother and humanbeatbox. I saw Slick Rick the Ruler in the opening scenes of Brown Sugar and said, "Six minutes, Doug E. Fresh, you're on," and was the only person in the whole training class that knew that "Rappers Delight" by the Sugar Hill Gang was the first real rap recording, in 1979. (What is wrong with these people?) Yeah, so I was excited about this, and the prospect of it being the end of the month and I've already gotten all of my kids seen and my paperwork done. I'm just that good.See, what fucks with me when it comes to this job, and I will lay it all on the line here, is that I am a perfectionist. I don't need to be right all the time, and I don't need to do everything by the book, but I need to get everything done and get everything done well. One of the reasons I'm a Golden Child at my job is because (barring any crazy circumstances) I will /always/ get my kids seen before the last minute, I will /always/ have my paperwork in on time, I will /always/ be prepared in court, and I will /always/ answer phone calls promptly. I currently have no clients who dislike me, adults or young people, and that is saying something when you work for children's services, let me tell you. But the chaotic nature of this job ensures that I can never be organized. (And if you take a look at my closet, you'll know I /have/ to be organized.)
So my easy week has been waylaid by a 14-year-old girl whom I like very much, but her family is the bane of my caseworker existence. There is one drama after another, over and over and over. My easy week was stymied by her decision to run away from her respite provider's house after making everyone's life miserable all weekend, insist that she would not return to her foster home, have a mental breakdown at the Intake Department last night, and then try to refuse to go to the new placement we found for her. This all means, really, that since all of this went down at around 11pm last night, and since I wasn't in my office all day today, I got a billion phone calls about this girl, and now have to shift my schedule around to take care of her, and cancel meetings to go to her meetings. What sucks is that I was supposed to meet with this father I have been tracking down on Wednesday, and I have to cancel with him to take care of this girl. Which means I probably won't see him at all (I had to do a tapdance to make the appointment in the first place), which means that I won't be as prepared for court as I would like, which /really/ bothers me.
When my personal life is in chaos, I get really anxious and irritable and panicky. When my professional life is in chaos, I get exhausted. I suppose that's proof of my ability to handle my job's duties effectively, but it's little consolation to me, really, because if I'm exhausted, then it's easier for my personal life to become chaotic.
Daina asked me to go to a concert with her on Wednesday, and I would love to go. And then I realized that my day on Wednesday looks like this: (9:00) get to work, (9:30) meeting about girl, (11:00) team meeting, (1:00) try to see Dad I had to cancel at 10:00, (3:00) home visit on west side, (4:00) home visit on north side, (6:00) volunteer until 9:00. And as much as I would love to go and see this band and have some beer, I don't know if I'll be able to really do that without any sort of unwinding. And that pisses me off because I deserve to go out, dammit!
I'm sure my recent surliness is enhanced by the absence of my Jennifer. While absence likely /does/ make the heart grow fonder, I was already pretty damned fond of her. I missed my opportunity to chat with her on the phone last night because of the Intake Girl, and I didn't sleep well last night (because of Intake Girl and being alone in bed) which makes me miss her more. Bleagh.
What's odd about the whole thing is that I'd actually call last night and today a success. My job is not a good fit for me, but I am a good fit for my job, because I'm just that good. And I rocked the party at my Hip Hop training, and dropped my car off at Alternative Auto for repairs, and I got a free check for $13.46 in the mail thanks to a CD class-action suit I signed up for a million years ago, and I walked to Daina's and she gave me tuna casserole, and we went for a walk. So either I'm doing /something/ right, or I'm living in serious Delusionville.
