Random Tuesday Notes

[judecorp]

I've just finished preparing for court cases tomorrow and Thursday. Exciting stuff, I know. The Thursday case should close that day because the kid is 18 and staying out of trouble, so that will be good. Tomorrow's case... eh, who knows? I have to visit a couple of kids tomorrow at their grandfather's house because Mom's missed two appointments and guess what, it's the end of the month and I have to see those kids. Welcome to the exciting world of my job.

Tonight I plan to go through and apply for several state jobs in Massachusetts. State jobs seem to have longer hiring processes so my goal is to get my resume in so that maybe by the time I get there they will want to hire me. Everyone knows that working for the Notorious G-O-V is the way to go.

~//~

I have been doing a lot of thinking about marriage, both as an institution and as a more symbolic lifetime commitment. I was reading an article that upsoclose recommended written by a religious conservative who posited that conservatives should insist on same-sex marriage because it would hold more people up to the standard of commitment and fidelity, and that the concentration should not be on /who/ gets married but on people getting married and staying married. Interesting.

Perhaps this sounds kind of hypocritical to me (as a divorcee), but I really do emphatically believe that people (myself included) do not give commitment the effort it deserves. I really look up to people in my life who have made (and kept) long-term commitments through struggles and triumphs. I want to be one of those people. I don't want to be a transitory phase in Jennifer's life, or someone who shows up in a handful of her family's photos.

I know that this sort of thing takes work, hard work, and lots of work. The other day she asked me if I was happy, and at the time, I really wasn't. But it's not about being happy or unhappy at a point in time, it's about commitment. As I said to her, "The answer to that isn't important, really, because I'm committed to you and I'm not going anywhere." I think when the "unhappy" feeling becomes a permanent, life-affecting problem a person needs to step back and reassess the situation, but for every day malaise, I plan to hang in there for the long haul.

I want to develop that kind of trust and stability that is unquestionable. I want to be able to show her that I am capable of staying, of working, of being deserving of that kind of unwavering trust. I want us to be a permanent team - I just wish I could convince her that I'm capable of such things.

Comments

[sunshyne72.livejournal.com]

Good luck with all your ppwk and potential interviews.

I agree with you on the marriage thing... I heard a snippit on the radio a few weeks ago and they were rambling about imposing penalties for NOT staying married and working it out regardless of sexuality. And have a more difficult procedure for applying and obtaining the right to marry--again regardless of sexuality. Makes ya think.

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

i completely agree on the marriage issue. WAY too many people just assume that my parents are divorced because everyone else's are. and i think there's something saddening in that. i don't want to end up being that person...

[(Anonymous)]

"But it's not about being happy or unhappy at a point in time, it's about commitment."

I disagree. What is "time" or "history" but "a collection of points in time"? If you're not happy for the bulk of those points in time, then why are you committed? What do you gain -- for yourself or the relationship -- if you remain committed in the absence of happiness?

Certainly committments take a lot of work. Certainly there will be times -- possibly long, protracted times -- of genuine unhappiness. But it's important to critically evaluate the root of the unhappiness, and to consciously bring forward the positives that remain. Is it unhappiness with the choices / actions of your partner? Is it unhappiness with external forces? Is it .... yadda yadda yadaa

During the dark, unpleasant times in a relationship it's _extra_ important to remember the positive things, the simple everyday commonplace things that you enjoy about your partner. Even when Carina drives me up a wall, and I'm fuming mad at her, I'm still happy that she's there to give me a hug if I have a nightmare. I'm still glad that she's there to witness some zaniness that the kids do so that we can share a private laugh about it weeks or months later as we lie in bed. I'm still happy that she's an intelligent, kind-hearted, funny and lovely woman.

When you're no longer happy with who your partner is it's imperative to carefully reconsider the reason for your committment. And of course, it's _absolutely_ imperative to ensure that you're cognizant of, and participating in, all the slow, subtle changes that your partner goes through during their life. If you "suddenly realize" that you don't know who your partner is anymore, than I think you've failed your end of the committment.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

(I'm assuming this is Scott.)

I don't think we disagree at all. Actually, I think you just more eloquently (and with more words) said what I said here: I think when the "unhappy" feeling becomes a permanent, life-affecting problem a person needs to step back and reassess the situation, but for every day malaise, I plan to hang in there for the long haul.

I agree with you that when unhappiness is the rule and not the exception, then one has to step back and clearly analyze the situation, root out the causes. And I agree that if you are not following along alertly throughout the course of the relationship, you're bound to wake up one day thinking, "Who is this person?" (Where is my beautiful wife? Where is my large automobile? How did I get here?)

I think that relationship problems (usually) take two people, and that one person (read: me) can't take the heat for everything even if that person is usually inclined to do so and lay the self-blame heavily. And it's also true that I have a tendency to think, "I just can't do this," when something goes wrong - even something that I know is temporary and easily fixed.

The lesson about commitment wasn't directed to anyone in the universe except myself, because /I/ struggle with commitment and /I/ have a tendency to want to run away and end things prematurely. YMMV, as they say. I know that I have a lot of life lessons left to learn, and I really believe that one of them is to learn not to immediately think of running away when things get challenging. I guess I just want things to be easy all the time, but I over-analyze them so much that I bog them down.

What's ironic about this situation is that I tried to "fix" my running away problem in my last relationship... and ended up staying in a relationship 5 years longer than I should have, out of stubbornness, out of the need to "teach myself a lesson about commitment." While I will not make the same mistake twice if I can help it (also in agreement with your comment), I think it also shows that I still have a lot to learn in this area. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Sometimes divorce is totally necessary. After all, I got a divorce so I guess I'd better believe that!!

I just don't ever want to get another one.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't believe they should impose penalties... I mean, that's hardly fair, especially in situations where someone is really terrible to someone else, or when there really are irrepairable differences.

But I think maybe it should be a little more difficult to get married. Maybe. You know, if we're so worried about the sanctity of marriage or whatever.

[tetonkid.livejournal.com]

you always make me think. i have never been a huge fan of marriage -- not because i've never been in love or wanted the long-term committment or anything like that, but because it feels weird to me to have to have a piece of paper that tells me i'm supposed to be committed. i am probably oversimplifying it. but it's an issue because i think my lady would marry me right this red-hot second if we could figure it out. for her, there's something sacred about the act and the bond and the piece of paper. for me -- i feel like we have all that already because we are committed to each other, even in those unhappy moments.

and even if we got married, it's likely, like humanbeatbox said in his post, from a benefits standpoint it looks like it won't effect us "one iota" ...

which is not to say i'm hopeless! i'm not. i will fight for my rights, YO. but: i'm interested in what my lady sees in the act of getting married that i don't.

i have felt this way in other relationships (with both men and women) so maybe it's just me. perhaps i am just jaded and cold.

anyway, thanks for getting my rusty wheels turning ...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I agree with you about the hypocrasy of marriage - that you are committed to someone /so much/ that you enter into a legal contract to withhold your commitment. If people want to stay together, they will stay together, right? I don't have a lot of interest in the institution of marriage, personally. Maybe it's because I was married once and screwed it up. Maybe it's because it's a patriarchal institution. Maybe it's a lot of reasons.

Marriage is important to my beloved, which makes it important to me. She has stated that she wouldn't feel comfortable bringing children up without legal protections, and while one can use a lawyer to duplicate a lot of the legal protections of marriage, they don't always have to be accepted /and/ it's easier to just obtain the legal contract. I can understand her need to legally protect our children, and for that reason, I will enter into a marriage with her when it is allowed.

I also think it is important to her as a validation of our relationship. I can see her point sometimes: I think of my grandparents who will never see our relationship as the same sort of relationship that my brother and his fiancee are in. So there's something comforting about having that same piece of paper, you know? Validation.

But really, it's a compromise for us. She wants the contract, and I will give it to her with my whole heart. It helps her feel secure, validated, official. She won't get the ceremony she's wanted, though, because she knows I'm sour on those things. So we're both taking it for the team.

And while a same-sex marriage right this second won't confer the benefits of civil opposite-sex marriage, it will eventually. And I think that eventuality is /soon/. Because once enough people start demanding their legal rights, this whole thing is going to be a whirlwind. And I'm honest enough with myself to admit that I want to be a part of something big!

p.s. I like you!

[tetonkid.livejournal.com]

lol -- i like you too! you are one of the things i love about lj; without it we'd probably have never crossed paths.

i understand about the compromise. sometimes i think i spend so much time trying to convince my lady of my own opinions (because of course i think i'm always right) that i neglect to pay attention to hers. but once i remember to let her have a say, it makes for some really great and revealing conversations. also, she humbles me.

here's to being a part of something big! :D

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

(because of course i think i'm always right)

HA HA HA, I can agree with this sentiment 100%!