Brain Dump
Oct. 3rd, 2004 11:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpIt's been a long time since I actually sat down and decompressed everything that's in my head. I mean, that's not what I started this journal for but it's certainly what it turned into for a while after A. and I broke up. It seems like most of my journal entries from that time are a metacognitive mess of analyses of fault, blame, and process. And then all of those times were way behind me and my journal got a lot more mundane, I suppose. Maybe it's time to start using the journal again for real or something.
It's not like I went into this move blindly. I mean, I weighed out the perceived costs and benefits over and over until even *I* was tired of hearing about them. I talked to people, different people. Jen and I talked about it over and over and over. I remember saying that I knew it would be tough, but in the end it would be better for us. And that could still be true, but I'm not so sure.
Actually, I'm sure that with enough time, things would become comfortable here. But does 'better' mean 'comfortable'? I was comfortable before we moved, so just achieving that level of comfort in a new place seems a little like one-step-forward, one-step-back. Or maybe that's just because I'm currently not very happy here. Let's weigh some of the pros and cons, shall we?
Pros:
The political climate - it's quite refreshing to see so many liberal candidates on ballots, and even MORE refreshing when there are, say, Dem and Green candidates and no Reppies. That's a nice change from Ohio the Red State of Doom and the whole Taft Administration of Asshats. Then again, we have our very own Asshat in Charge here (Mittens Romney)... but we can get legally married here. That's cool.
The smell of the ocean - It's lovely. Really. I love driving down the road and seeing an expanse of water. I love that you can smell the salt in the air all the time, and even moreso when it's damp or humid out. I love being able to drive to many beaches in a short time. I love hearing the seagulls and knowing that water is close by.
Closeness to family - It's great to be an hour away from my father and grandparents. My grandparents won't be around forever, and it's nice to be able to celebrate birthdays and special occasions with them. It's nice to be able to see them for a couple of hours without having to spend a weekend or a week - to be able to drive down, spend a little time, and come back home.
Old friends - It's nice to be around old friends. There's some sort of comfort in that, I think. I know that Jen really appreciates having friends she knows are hers, because she used to worry that some people were only my friends and she felt like a tag-along.
Cons:
Cost of living - It's high. Really high. Right now we're scraping just to get by every month, which doesn't leave much room for having fun, going out, taking a weekend away, etc. We won't make any progress on our debt here, at least not in the direction we'd like. Things are so expensive that the idea of owning a home is almost entirely out of the question, and the idea of starting a family seems so risky because it's unlikely that we could afford child care or afford for one of us not to work. Our rent has doubled, our utility payments have doubled (and we haven't even gotten to needing to put the heat on yet), and our car insurance has doubled. Our income, however, has remained the same. This is not working.
Lack of social plans - It's hard to coordinate plans with people here. Everyone lives in a different part of town and has an established schedule. Plans are do-able, but it's a challenge. Jen is working evenings and weekends, which limits the amount of time we can spend together /and/ with other people, and then by the time we work in their schedules, it's a stressful mess. And I don't feel like there's anyone I can call last minute and say, "Hey, I'm bored, what are you doing?" I had a lot of those people in Cbus and I liked the casual relationship of it. I liked being able to kind of "go down the list" and just get in touch with people and con them into hanging out. Since we had more disposable income, it was a lot easier (and less guilt-inducing) to call someone and say, "Come out to dinner with us," whereas now we're always debating whether we can even afford to go out to dinner, and where we can afford, and whether or not I'll be a wreck the whole time.
Achieving my goals - I'm ready. I want a family. And I've wanted it for so long now that every day that we have to wait gives me stress. I am not where I thought I would be at this age. At all. And here, it looks like another good 5-7 years before we can even start any of this stuff. 5-7 years? That's like torture... especially when I know that if we hadn't come here we would currently be homeowners and have the budget for at least a part-time stay home parent. It's just so frustrating to know that I had my hands on the future and now the carpet's been pulled out from under me and the reach is waaaaaaaaaaaay too long.
There's so much more to this but I don't have the time or the energy right now. The whole situation just bums me out so much, and then I mope around the house, and that upsets Jen, and then I feel bad about upsetting Jen, etc. It doesn't help that today is the last day of The Big E, and I wanted to go soooooo badly, but now Jen has a "work meeting" at 6:00pm (Sunday is supposed to be her guaranteed day off with me) and there's no way we could go, have a good time, and get back in time for her to get ready for this meeting. Besides, it would probably be too much freaking money anyway.
And I doubt we'll be going to King Richard's Faire this year, either. It all seems so unfair.
It's not like I went into this move blindly. I mean, I weighed out the perceived costs and benefits over and over until even *I* was tired of hearing about them. I talked to people, different people. Jen and I talked about it over and over and over. I remember saying that I knew it would be tough, but in the end it would be better for us. And that could still be true, but I'm not so sure.
Actually, I'm sure that with enough time, things would become comfortable here. But does 'better' mean 'comfortable'? I was comfortable before we moved, so just achieving that level of comfort in a new place seems a little like one-step-forward, one-step-back. Or maybe that's just because I'm currently not very happy here. Let's weigh some of the pros and cons, shall we?
Pros:
The political climate - it's quite refreshing to see so many liberal candidates on ballots, and even MORE refreshing when there are, say, Dem and Green candidates and no Reppies. That's a nice change from Ohio the Red State of Doom and the whole Taft Administration of Asshats. Then again, we have our very own Asshat in Charge here (Mittens Romney)... but we can get legally married here. That's cool.
The smell of the ocean - It's lovely. Really. I love driving down the road and seeing an expanse of water. I love that you can smell the salt in the air all the time, and even moreso when it's damp or humid out. I love being able to drive to many beaches in a short time. I love hearing the seagulls and knowing that water is close by.
Closeness to family - It's great to be an hour away from my father and grandparents. My grandparents won't be around forever, and it's nice to be able to celebrate birthdays and special occasions with them. It's nice to be able to see them for a couple of hours without having to spend a weekend or a week - to be able to drive down, spend a little time, and come back home.
Old friends - It's nice to be around old friends. There's some sort of comfort in that, I think. I know that Jen really appreciates having friends she knows are hers, because she used to worry that some people were only my friends and she felt like a tag-along.
Cons:
Cost of living - It's high. Really high. Right now we're scraping just to get by every month, which doesn't leave much room for having fun, going out, taking a weekend away, etc. We won't make any progress on our debt here, at least not in the direction we'd like. Things are so expensive that the idea of owning a home is almost entirely out of the question, and the idea of starting a family seems so risky because it's unlikely that we could afford child care or afford for one of us not to work. Our rent has doubled, our utility payments have doubled (and we haven't even gotten to needing to put the heat on yet), and our car insurance has doubled. Our income, however, has remained the same. This is not working.
Lack of social plans - It's hard to coordinate plans with people here. Everyone lives in a different part of town and has an established schedule. Plans are do-able, but it's a challenge. Jen is working evenings and weekends, which limits the amount of time we can spend together /and/ with other people, and then by the time we work in their schedules, it's a stressful mess. And I don't feel like there's anyone I can call last minute and say, "Hey, I'm bored, what are you doing?" I had a lot of those people in Cbus and I liked the casual relationship of it. I liked being able to kind of "go down the list" and just get in touch with people and con them into hanging out. Since we had more disposable income, it was a lot easier (and less guilt-inducing) to call someone and say, "Come out to dinner with us," whereas now we're always debating whether we can even afford to go out to dinner, and where we can afford, and whether or not I'll be a wreck the whole time.
Achieving my goals - I'm ready. I want a family. And I've wanted it for so long now that every day that we have to wait gives me stress. I am not where I thought I would be at this age. At all. And here, it looks like another good 5-7 years before we can even start any of this stuff. 5-7 years? That's like torture... especially when I know that if we hadn't come here we would currently be homeowners and have the budget for at least a part-time stay home parent. It's just so frustrating to know that I had my hands on the future and now the carpet's been pulled out from under me and the reach is waaaaaaaaaaaay too long.
There's so much more to this but I don't have the time or the energy right now. The whole situation just bums me out so much, and then I mope around the house, and that upsets Jen, and then I feel bad about upsetting Jen, etc. It doesn't help that today is the last day of The Big E, and I wanted to go soooooo badly, but now Jen has a "work meeting" at 6:00pm (Sunday is supposed to be her guaranteed day off with me) and there's no way we could go, have a good time, and get back in time for her to get ready for this meeting. Besides, it would probably be too much freaking money anyway.
And I doubt we'll be going to King Richard's Faire this year, either. It all seems so unfair.
