I want to vanish inside your kiss.
Oct. 5th, 2004 08:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpThe best things in life are never easy. I suppose that is true but the triteness is so irritating. It's also counterintuitive, because so many messages in popular culture lead us to believe that the best things /are/ easy - effortless, even.
Things are really rough right now, and sometimes I don't know what to do. I try to stay as positive as I can, but I really feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. My gut tells me to find the positive in everything here - to enjoy my friends, find ways to like my job, get involved in the community, etc. But there's this niggling fear in the back of my head, this little voice that tells me not to get too attached to being here because we'll probably just move again.
Sometimes I think that's a good idea, but most of the time the rational part of me knows that only *I* can bring out the good in my situation and the *I* is not going to change no matter how many times we pack a U-Haul. And my rational boy brain says that you just have to tough it out until you get what you want, regardless of the situation. And I believe that. And I want to act on it.
But then I remember that Jen really wants to go back to school, and there's really no way in hell we could pull that off here. Then again, we might not be able to pull it off, period. But can I ask her to give up her dreams? Can I expect her to give up her goals rather than try and try to find a way to pull it off?
Yes, I'm scared that staying here will put off our family indefinitely... but I also know that if I want something bad enough I can make it happen. But I'm also scared that another move, coupled with Jen entering another graduate program, will /also/ postpone our future family. It's such a catch-22 for me... I'm afraid to find reasons to stay here, but I'm afraid to continue in the misery of limbo.
I wish that she and I could talk through these issues without arguments and misunderstandings. The obvious answer seems to be to ensure that conversations happen when we're in good places in our hearts. But that is also the time when I'm most likely to just agree with everything, that desire to preserve the snippets of harmony I'm able to catch.
It's just a mess right now. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Actually, that's not true. I know I'll get through it, I'm just scared of what things will look like on the other side.
(In happier news, Happy Birthday, Shani!)
Things are really rough right now, and sometimes I don't know what to do. I try to stay as positive as I can, but I really feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. My gut tells me to find the positive in everything here - to enjoy my friends, find ways to like my job, get involved in the community, etc. But there's this niggling fear in the back of my head, this little voice that tells me not to get too attached to being here because we'll probably just move again.
Sometimes I think that's a good idea, but most of the time the rational part of me knows that only *I* can bring out the good in my situation and the *I* is not going to change no matter how many times we pack a U-Haul. And my rational boy brain says that you just have to tough it out until you get what you want, regardless of the situation. And I believe that. And I want to act on it.
But then I remember that Jen really wants to go back to school, and there's really no way in hell we could pull that off here. Then again, we might not be able to pull it off, period. But can I ask her to give up her dreams? Can I expect her to give up her goals rather than try and try to find a way to pull it off?
Yes, I'm scared that staying here will put off our family indefinitely... but I also know that if I want something bad enough I can make it happen. But I'm also scared that another move, coupled with Jen entering another graduate program, will /also/ postpone our future family. It's such a catch-22 for me... I'm afraid to find reasons to stay here, but I'm afraid to continue in the misery of limbo.
I wish that she and I could talk through these issues without arguments and misunderstandings. The obvious answer seems to be to ensure that conversations happen when we're in good places in our hearts. But that is also the time when I'm most likely to just agree with everything, that desire to preserve the snippets of harmony I'm able to catch.
It's just a mess right now. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Actually, that's not true. I know I'll get through it, I'm just scared of what things will look like on the other side.
(In happier news, Happy Birthday, Shani!)
