I think that while the immediate events had little warning, you did have years where you knew that he could possibly go at any time. You cherished the time with him and didn't leave anything unsaid, so no regrets, no what ifs. You'd already faced the possibility of his death in the past, and come through it and made peace with the idea. So when it came to pass the /timing/ was a surprise but the event wasn't. That makes a HUGE difference in how you are going to feel now. There's no reason to linger in any shock or anger modes.
Even with the breakup with A., I seem to recall that by the actual end there had been enough "warning" that you could see, certainly at the point where he refused counselling, that it was over. And you didn't really want to revive it, so the anger was more at him for his behavior, but not as much for the loss of something you wanted to keep.
In both cases, you were prepared. My grandfather died in 1999. It was a surprise to everyone, as he was in the hospital for a fall and then died very unexpectedly from a bloodclot. But ya know, he'd been sick so many times before -- I get my sickliness from him really. He'd had endless surgeries for this and that, etc. And we always ALWAYS knew he was going to die before my grandmother. So when it happened, it was a surprise, but all I could think about was how much better off he was. No more pain, no more frustration. (No more nagging grandma ;) I love my grandma but after 50 years of marriage she had that nagging thing /down/ :) )
I never cried. Still haven't. The last time I saw him was at my wedding a few weeks before and I was happy and he was happy and it was just such a good event for he & I (he fiddled around taking gorgeous photos that he never saw developed) that I can't regret anything. I miss him. But I cannot cry because his death was not a *bad* thing. Just nature. And he wouldn't want me to be sad, either.
Tears aren't required. Tears are really about feeling sorry for one's self. About what /you/ have lost. I know that sounds very cruel, but it is true. And it's certainly a very appropriate time to be sorry for one's self. But that doesn't mean you have to. You are grateful for your father's life, I imagine you are grateful that his death was not horrible and prolonged. You miss him and will miss him every day. But you are not sorry for yourself, so you do not cry. Nuff said, the end. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever!
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Date: 2005-06-03 08:19 pm (UTC)Even with the breakup with A., I seem to recall that by the actual end there had been enough "warning" that you could see, certainly at the point where he refused counselling, that it was over. And you didn't really want to revive it, so the anger was more at him for his behavior, but not as much for the loss of something you wanted to keep.
In both cases, you were prepared. My grandfather died in 1999. It was a surprise to everyone, as he was in the hospital for a fall and then died very unexpectedly from a bloodclot. But ya know, he'd been sick so many times before -- I get my sickliness from him really. He'd had endless surgeries for this and that, etc. And we always ALWAYS knew he was going to die before my grandmother. So when it happened, it was a surprise, but all I could think about was how much better off he was. No more pain, no more frustration. (No more nagging grandma ;) I love my grandma but after 50 years of marriage she had that nagging thing /down/ :) )
I never cried. Still haven't. The last time I saw him was at my wedding a few weeks before and I was happy and he was happy and it was just such a good event for he & I (he fiddled around taking gorgeous photos that he never saw developed) that I can't regret anything. I miss him. But I cannot cry because his death was not a *bad* thing. Just nature. And he wouldn't want me to be sad, either.
Tears aren't required. Tears are really about feeling sorry for one's self. About what /you/ have lost. I know that sounds very cruel, but it is true. And it's certainly a very appropriate time to be sorry for one's self. But that doesn't mean you have to. You are grateful for your father's life, I imagine you are grateful that his death was not horrible and prolonged. You miss him and will miss him every day. But you are not sorry for yourself, so you do not cry. Nuff said, the end. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever!