She lives in the place in the side of our lives where nothing is ever put straight

[judecorp]

I think that maybe I don't know how to grieve properly or something. Oh sure, I know there's no right way or whatever but I got to thinking about when A. and I broke up and it was much the same thing. I sat around and felt like I should be more upset, more unable to cope, something. Anything.

When A. and I broke up, I was mostly okay all the time and then would occasionally get totally pissed off at him. And that was it. From Acceptance to Anger to Acceptance and back again.

I went into work for a little bit today to drop off some things (like my time sheet) and make some phone calls without my cell phone. Several of my coworkers stopped by my office to make sure I was okay (which was nice) and they all commented on how surprised they are at how well I'm doing. It just makes me wonder when people say that, you know? *shrug* I mean, yes, it's sad. Yes, it's terrible. Yes, it's hard for my family and we will miss him horribly and we miss him already. Yes, I'm concerned about his affairs, and his debts, and his belongings. I'm concerned about the effects on my brother. But how can I be so overcome with grief on this beautiful day, with beautiful sun and beautiful sky and fresh sea air in my lungs? In the dark, late at night, that's a different story, I suppose. But the joy of public life and diving into work is the Gods-given ability to compartmentalize, right?

I know there's plenty of time for me to be beside myself with grief, and I know that I should take these days as a blessing instead of wondering what is wrong with me. But I can't help it, I wonder. What is wrong with me?

I'm not a heartless person. I know I have a huge heart, a lot of love, a lot of compassion. Where is it? Is it still in there somewhere and I just don't know it? Or does it just choose not to manifest itself in tears?

Comments

[juliann.livejournal.com]

I think that while the immediate events had little warning, you did have years where you knew that he could possibly go at any time. You cherished the time with him and didn't leave anything unsaid, so no regrets, no what ifs. You'd already faced the possibility of his death in the past, and come through it and made peace with the idea. So when it came to pass the /timing/ was a surprise but the event wasn't. That makes a HUGE difference in how you are going to feel now. There's no reason to linger in any shock or anger modes.

Even with the breakup with A., I seem to recall that by the actual end there had been enough "warning" that you could see, certainly at the point where he refused counselling, that it was over. And you didn't really want to revive it, so the anger was more at him for his behavior, but not as much for the loss of something you wanted to keep.

In both cases, you were prepared. My grandfather died in 1999. It was a surprise to everyone, as he was in the hospital for a fall and then died very unexpectedly from a bloodclot. But ya know, he'd been sick so many times before -- I get my sickliness from him really. He'd had endless surgeries for this and that, etc. And we always ALWAYS knew he was going to die before my grandmother. So when it happened, it was a surprise, but all I could think about was how much better off he was. No more pain, no more frustration. (No more nagging grandma ;) I love my grandma but after 50 years of marriage she had that nagging thing /down/ :) )

I never cried. Still haven't. The last time I saw him was at my wedding a few weeks before and I was happy and he was happy and it was just such a good event for he & I (he fiddled around taking gorgeous photos that he never saw developed) that I can't regret anything. I miss him. But I cannot cry because his death was not a *bad* thing. Just nature. And he wouldn't want me to be sad, either.

Tears aren't required. Tears are really about feeling sorry for one's self. About what /you/ have lost. I know that sounds very cruel, but it is true. And it's certainly a very appropriate time to be sorry for one's self. But that doesn't mean you have to. You are grateful for your father's life, I imagine you are grateful that his death was not horrible and prolonged. You miss him and will miss him every day. But you are not sorry for yourself, so you do not cry. Nuff said, the end. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think you really hit the nail on the head with everything you said here. You are quite right about a whole lot of things, especially the preparedness and the feeling that something could always happen. The possibility of something happening to him or to one/both of my grandparents was an impetus to move out this way when Jen gave me the choice of San Francisco or Boston. It was a no-brainer: either way we'd be broke, but in SF we'd be broke AND ridiculously far in an emergency.

Right after we moved, I scored some scalped Red Sox tickets and took my father and grandfather (and Jen) to a game. I knew then when I was shelling out $200 that we didn't really have (since we just moved) that this could quite possibly be our last opportunity. I was thinking about my grandfather at the time. But I was right. I will never ever regret that money, and will always cherish the great day we had, the four of us (even though the Sox lost). Heck, they even won the World Series last year.

I was thinking today that I have enough good memories and positive thoughts about my dad's life to last my whole lifetime. While it would have been wonderful to have more, I don't need more. I just hope he had enough, too.