She lives in the place in the side of our lives where nothing is ever put straight

[judecorp]

I think that maybe I don't know how to grieve properly or something. Oh sure, I know there's no right way or whatever but I got to thinking about when A. and I broke up and it was much the same thing. I sat around and felt like I should be more upset, more unable to cope, something. Anything.

When A. and I broke up, I was mostly okay all the time and then would occasionally get totally pissed off at him. And that was it. From Acceptance to Anger to Acceptance and back again.

I went into work for a little bit today to drop off some things (like my time sheet) and make some phone calls without my cell phone. Several of my coworkers stopped by my office to make sure I was okay (which was nice) and they all commented on how surprised they are at how well I'm doing. It just makes me wonder when people say that, you know? *shrug* I mean, yes, it's sad. Yes, it's terrible. Yes, it's hard for my family and we will miss him horribly and we miss him already. Yes, I'm concerned about his affairs, and his debts, and his belongings. I'm concerned about the effects on my brother. But how can I be so overcome with grief on this beautiful day, with beautiful sun and beautiful sky and fresh sea air in my lungs? In the dark, late at night, that's a different story, I suppose. But the joy of public life and diving into work is the Gods-given ability to compartmentalize, right?

I know there's plenty of time for me to be beside myself with grief, and I know that I should take these days as a blessing instead of wondering what is wrong with me. But I can't help it, I wonder. What is wrong with me?

I'm not a heartless person. I know I have a huge heart, a lot of love, a lot of compassion. Where is it? Is it still in there somewhere and I just don't know it? Or does it just choose not to manifest itself in tears?

Comments

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

i guess it's people's natural reaction to default to the victim mode in regards to loss so they aren't used to someone being self-sufficient and more dealing with the matter in a mechanical way. you're incredibly strong and i think you'll difuse the emotions you have inside. i don't think there's ever a right way to grieve (as you said)

[jost.livejournal.com]

When my father died, I coped initially by going into manager mode. I knew my Mother would be falling apart. I knew that since Dad was always the planner that I would have to step up and do that. It served two main purposes; it kept my Mother from having to handle anything and it kept me from losing it. It wasn't for about 6-10 months after that I finally actually faced it. It wasn't pretty then.

Don't allow the fact that you're not falling apart make you think you're not grieving. You're just doing so on your own time.

If you need to talk, just have somebody listen, just have somebody repeat "Lumpy!" to you 500 times, etc; I'm here 24x7.

[communista.livejournal.com]

I haven't lost a close family member since I was 4 years old. I don't think I understood it then. I have had friends pass, and times where I think I should be tearful, and I haven't been.

You have a wonderful heart, and I love you. I'm thinking about you!

[osuptygal.livejournal.com]

There's no right or wrong way to grieve. I fall apart when I lose someone close to me...it's embarrassing, actually. It sounds like you're in a situation where you have a lot of business to take care of..maybe the tears will come in time..maybe it will all hit you at the funeral..maybe they won't come at all. All that matters is that you loved him and he, of course, knew that.


We like to keep the memory of dad alive by keeping stories of him/from him alive..he was a bit like the father in Big Fish. It somehow feels more *right* to remember him with laughter than with tears...I wish I would've realized that sooner. See! Shit, I just did it! Everyone does it (thinks that they didn't grieve properly)..there's no handbook. :)

Sorry about your (and your family's) loss.
I love the picture you posted of he and Jen dancing. He looks very robust and full of life..lovely snapshot that really catches the essence of him, it seems.

[juliann.livejournal.com]

I think that while the immediate events had little warning, you did have years where you knew that he could possibly go at any time. You cherished the time with him and didn't leave anything unsaid, so no regrets, no what ifs. You'd already faced the possibility of his death in the past, and come through it and made peace with the idea. So when it came to pass the /timing/ was a surprise but the event wasn't. That makes a HUGE difference in how you are going to feel now. There's no reason to linger in any shock or anger modes.

Even with the breakup with A., I seem to recall that by the actual end there had been enough "warning" that you could see, certainly at the point where he refused counselling, that it was over. And you didn't really want to revive it, so the anger was more at him for his behavior, but not as much for the loss of something you wanted to keep.

In both cases, you were prepared. My grandfather died in 1999. It was a surprise to everyone, as he was in the hospital for a fall and then died very unexpectedly from a bloodclot. But ya know, he'd been sick so many times before -- I get my sickliness from him really. He'd had endless surgeries for this and that, etc. And we always ALWAYS knew he was going to die before my grandmother. So when it happened, it was a surprise, but all I could think about was how much better off he was. No more pain, no more frustration. (No more nagging grandma ;) I love my grandma but after 50 years of marriage she had that nagging thing /down/ :) )

I never cried. Still haven't. The last time I saw him was at my wedding a few weeks before and I was happy and he was happy and it was just such a good event for he & I (he fiddled around taking gorgeous photos that he never saw developed) that I can't regret anything. I miss him. But I cannot cry because his death was not a *bad* thing. Just nature. And he wouldn't want me to be sad, either.

Tears aren't required. Tears are really about feeling sorry for one's self. About what /you/ have lost. I know that sounds very cruel, but it is true. And it's certainly a very appropriate time to be sorry for one's self. But that doesn't mean you have to. You are grateful for your father's life, I imagine you are grateful that his death was not horrible and prolonged. You miss him and will miss him every day. But you are not sorry for yourself, so you do not cry. Nuff said, the end. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever!

[livinginoctober.livejournal.com]

I think it takes a long while to fully do the grieving process.

My heart does go out to you and your family.

I wish I knew of something better to say. :/