She lives in the place in the side of our lives where nothing is ever put straight

[judecorp]

I think that maybe I don't know how to grieve properly or something. Oh sure, I know there's no right way or whatever but I got to thinking about when A. and I broke up and it was much the same thing. I sat around and felt like I should be more upset, more unable to cope, something. Anything.

When A. and I broke up, I was mostly okay all the time and then would occasionally get totally pissed off at him. And that was it. From Acceptance to Anger to Acceptance and back again.

I went into work for a little bit today to drop off some things (like my time sheet) and make some phone calls without my cell phone. Several of my coworkers stopped by my office to make sure I was okay (which was nice) and they all commented on how surprised they are at how well I'm doing. It just makes me wonder when people say that, you know? *shrug* I mean, yes, it's sad. Yes, it's terrible. Yes, it's hard for my family and we will miss him horribly and we miss him already. Yes, I'm concerned about his affairs, and his debts, and his belongings. I'm concerned about the effects on my brother. But how can I be so overcome with grief on this beautiful day, with beautiful sun and beautiful sky and fresh sea air in my lungs? In the dark, late at night, that's a different story, I suppose. But the joy of public life and diving into work is the Gods-given ability to compartmentalize, right?

I know there's plenty of time for me to be beside myself with grief, and I know that I should take these days as a blessing instead of wondering what is wrong with me. But I can't help it, I wonder. What is wrong with me?

I'm not a heartless person. I know I have a huge heart, a lot of love, a lot of compassion. Where is it? Is it still in there somewhere and I just don't know it? Or does it just choose not to manifest itself in tears?

Comments

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

i guess it's people's natural reaction to default to the victim mode in regards to loss so they aren't used to someone being self-sufficient and more dealing with the matter in a mechanical way. you're incredibly strong and i think you'll difuse the emotions you have inside. i don't think there's ever a right way to grieve (as you said)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't think there's a right way to grieve, but I guess I wonder if there are /wrong/ ways to grieve, and maybe I'm doing those instead. Or maybe I'm not grieving at all? Who knows?

Everything in its own time, I suppose.

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

so you think you're AVOIDING the matter instead of handling it? that's no good...i hope you're being healthy with it all. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'm avoiding it. At least, not on purpose if I am. I mean, I'm honest about it: my dad is dead. My dad was 57 and healthy-ish and now he's dead. Damn, that really sucks, cause I really love the guy and wanted to do other things with him, like go to more baseball games and eat lunch and banter about how much I didn't love him and drive to the ocean on his motorcycle and have him celebrate our marriage with us and watch him play with his grandchildren. But that stuff isn't going to happen. And that sucks.

But my life isn't over, and those things are not the only things that were going to give me joy in the future. I have an incredible partner and we recently got married, we're trying to get our shit together to make some babies together, my brother and sister-in-law are in town and I get to kick it with them, and I have a really close family (biological and in-law) that I am going to continue to enjoy being with.

I dunno, am I avoiding? Maybe I'm not totally cognizant of the Big Picture of what my dad's absence will look like, but I don't think I'm avoiding it, per se.

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

that's good :) *more hugs*

[iansha.livejournal.com]

Sure there are wrong ways to do anything.

If you were drinking yourself stupid or running in front of cars or something, I might be worried about you. You ARE a caring and compassionate person and someone's outside judgement (or your own perhaps) of whether or not your grief is 'appropriate' is bunk. It is quite apparent you love your father and your family very much. Not allowing grief to consume you and swallow you whole does not denigrate that one ounce.

I guess that's my $.02.

Take care of you. I'm thinking of you.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You can be my therapist anytime, especially with your Shiny New License! :)

Seriously. I'm glad for your opinion. Especially because it agrees with mine. ;)

[jost.livejournal.com]

When my father died, I coped initially by going into manager mode. I knew my Mother would be falling apart. I knew that since Dad was always the planner that I would have to step up and do that. It served two main purposes; it kept my Mother from having to handle anything and it kept me from losing it. It wasn't for about 6-10 months after that I finally actually faced it. It wasn't pretty then.

Don't allow the fact that you're not falling apart make you think you're not grieving. You're just doing so on your own time.

If you need to talk, just have somebody listen, just have somebody repeat "Lumpy!" to you 500 times, etc; I'm here 24x7.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I'm definitely keeping some things in check by being the Counselor of the bunch, by reassuring everyone else that they're okay and such. Rick has been handed a lot of the Manager tasks (by nature of his being the first-born and a boy and all of that good stuff) and I really feel terrible that he keeps being given a laundry-list of things to do... I do hope that he knows he can delegate anything he wants to me and also that he doesn't have to if doing these things is going to help him.

I'm sure that things will come up at holidays and milestones and the like. I can't imagine going through my life and NOT thinking, "I wish Dad were here to see this," or whatever... but yeah, I think it's definitely possible that once everything is once and for all Over and Done With, when there are no more picayune tasks to take care of, there could be a different picture of grief.

And I'm okay with that, too.

[communista.livejournal.com]

I haven't lost a close family member since I was 4 years old. I don't think I understood it then. I have had friends pass, and times where I think I should be tearful, and I haven't been.

You have a wonderful heart, and I love you. I'm thinking about you!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah... my great uncle died a couple of months ago, but that was the first death in my immediate family since my great grandmother died in 1981.

Weird.

[osuptygal.livejournal.com]

There's no right or wrong way to grieve. I fall apart when I lose someone close to me...it's embarrassing, actually. It sounds like you're in a situation where you have a lot of business to take care of..maybe the tears will come in time..maybe it will all hit you at the funeral..maybe they won't come at all. All that matters is that you loved him and he, of course, knew that.


We like to keep the memory of dad alive by keeping stories of him/from him alive..he was a bit like the father in Big Fish. It somehow feels more *right* to remember him with laughter than with tears...I wish I would've realized that sooner. See! Shit, I just did it! Everyone does it (thinks that they didn't grieve properly)..there's no handbook. :)

Sorry about your (and your family's) loss.
I love the picture you posted of he and Jen dancing. He looks very robust and full of life..lovely snapshot that really catches the essence of him, it seems.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the stories are definitely excellent. Especially because he was a crazy man with no shortage of ridiculous stories! ;)

I think of you quite a bit and what you went through with your dad. I don't know too many people who lost fathers/parents in the time that I've known them and in some ways it's nice to have some people who kind of understand. My volunteer coordinator called me yesterday and said, plain as day, "Yeah, my dad died a couple of years ago. It just sucks." I really appreciate that sort of thing. Thanks.

And I love that photo, and the other photos I have of Dad and Jen dancing at my brother's wedding. Not only do they really seem to enjoy each other, but it makes my heart happy to know that he cared about her, that she cared about him, and that they considered each other family. Acceptance came easily to my dad where I was concerned. I'm very glad for that.

[juliann.livejournal.com]

I think that while the immediate events had little warning, you did have years where you knew that he could possibly go at any time. You cherished the time with him and didn't leave anything unsaid, so no regrets, no what ifs. You'd already faced the possibility of his death in the past, and come through it and made peace with the idea. So when it came to pass the /timing/ was a surprise but the event wasn't. That makes a HUGE difference in how you are going to feel now. There's no reason to linger in any shock or anger modes.

Even with the breakup with A., I seem to recall that by the actual end there had been enough "warning" that you could see, certainly at the point where he refused counselling, that it was over. And you didn't really want to revive it, so the anger was more at him for his behavior, but not as much for the loss of something you wanted to keep.

In both cases, you were prepared. My grandfather died in 1999. It was a surprise to everyone, as he was in the hospital for a fall and then died very unexpectedly from a bloodclot. But ya know, he'd been sick so many times before -- I get my sickliness from him really. He'd had endless surgeries for this and that, etc. And we always ALWAYS knew he was going to die before my grandmother. So when it happened, it was a surprise, but all I could think about was how much better off he was. No more pain, no more frustration. (No more nagging grandma ;) I love my grandma but after 50 years of marriage she had that nagging thing /down/ :) )

I never cried. Still haven't. The last time I saw him was at my wedding a few weeks before and I was happy and he was happy and it was just such a good event for he & I (he fiddled around taking gorgeous photos that he never saw developed) that I can't regret anything. I miss him. But I cannot cry because his death was not a *bad* thing. Just nature. And he wouldn't want me to be sad, either.

Tears aren't required. Tears are really about feeling sorry for one's self. About what /you/ have lost. I know that sounds very cruel, but it is true. And it's certainly a very appropriate time to be sorry for one's self. But that doesn't mean you have to. You are grateful for your father's life, I imagine you are grateful that his death was not horrible and prolonged. You miss him and will miss him every day. But you are not sorry for yourself, so you do not cry. Nuff said, the end. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think you really hit the nail on the head with everything you said here. You are quite right about a whole lot of things, especially the preparedness and the feeling that something could always happen. The possibility of something happening to him or to one/both of my grandparents was an impetus to move out this way when Jen gave me the choice of San Francisco or Boston. It was a no-brainer: either way we'd be broke, but in SF we'd be broke AND ridiculously far in an emergency.

Right after we moved, I scored some scalped Red Sox tickets and took my father and grandfather (and Jen) to a game. I knew then when I was shelling out $200 that we didn't really have (since we just moved) that this could quite possibly be our last opportunity. I was thinking about my grandfather at the time. But I was right. I will never ever regret that money, and will always cherish the great day we had, the four of us (even though the Sox lost). Heck, they even won the World Series last year.

I was thinking today that I have enough good memories and positive thoughts about my dad's life to last my whole lifetime. While it would have been wonderful to have more, I don't need more. I just hope he had enough, too.

[livinginoctober.livejournal.com]

I think it takes a long while to fully do the grieving process.

My heart does go out to you and your family.

I wish I knew of something better to say. :/

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for all of your kindness.