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judecorpI think that maybe I don't know how to grieve properly or something. Oh sure, I know there's no right way or whatever but I got to thinking about when A. and I broke up and it was much the same thing. I sat around and felt like I should be more upset, more unable to cope, something. Anything.
When A. and I broke up, I was mostly okay all the time and then would occasionally get totally pissed off at him. And that was it. From Acceptance to Anger to Acceptance and back again.
I went into work for a little bit today to drop off some things (like my time sheet) and make some phone calls without my cell phone. Several of my coworkers stopped by my office to make sure I was okay (which was nice) and they all commented on how surprised they are at how well I'm doing. It just makes me wonder when people say that, you know? *shrug* I mean, yes, it's sad. Yes, it's terrible. Yes, it's hard for my family and we will miss him horribly and we miss him already. Yes, I'm concerned about his affairs, and his debts, and his belongings. I'm concerned about the effects on my brother. But how can I be so overcome with grief on this beautiful day, with beautiful sun and beautiful sky and fresh sea air in my lungs? In the dark, late at night, that's a different story, I suppose. But the joy of public life and diving into work is the Gods-given ability to compartmentalize, right?
I know there's plenty of time for me to be beside myself with grief, and I know that I should take these days as a blessing instead of wondering what is wrong with me. But I can't help it, I wonder. What is wrong with me?
I'm not a heartless person. I know I have a huge heart, a lot of love, a lot of compassion. Where is it? Is it still in there somewhere and I just don't know it? Or does it just choose not to manifest itself in tears?
When A. and I broke up, I was mostly okay all the time and then would occasionally get totally pissed off at him. And that was it. From Acceptance to Anger to Acceptance and back again.
I went into work for a little bit today to drop off some things (like my time sheet) and make some phone calls without my cell phone. Several of my coworkers stopped by my office to make sure I was okay (which was nice) and they all commented on how surprised they are at how well I'm doing. It just makes me wonder when people say that, you know? *shrug* I mean, yes, it's sad. Yes, it's terrible. Yes, it's hard for my family and we will miss him horribly and we miss him already. Yes, I'm concerned about his affairs, and his debts, and his belongings. I'm concerned about the effects on my brother. But how can I be so overcome with grief on this beautiful day, with beautiful sun and beautiful sky and fresh sea air in my lungs? In the dark, late at night, that's a different story, I suppose. But the joy of public life and diving into work is the Gods-given ability to compartmentalize, right?
I know there's plenty of time for me to be beside myself with grief, and I know that I should take these days as a blessing instead of wondering what is wrong with me. But I can't help it, I wonder. What is wrong with me?
I'm not a heartless person. I know I have a huge heart, a lot of love, a lot of compassion. Where is it? Is it still in there somewhere and I just don't know it? Or does it just choose not to manifest itself in tears?
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Date: 2005-06-03 11:27 pm (UTC)I think of you quite a bit and what you went through with your dad. I don't know too many people who lost fathers/parents in the time that I've known them and in some ways it's nice to have some people who kind of understand. My volunteer coordinator called me yesterday and said, plain as day, "Yeah, my dad died a couple of years ago. It just sucks." I really appreciate that sort of thing. Thanks.
And I love that photo, and the other photos I have of Dad and Jen dancing at my brother's wedding. Not only do they really seem to enjoy each other, but it makes my heart happy to know that he cared about her, that she cared about him, and that they considered each other family. Acceptance came easily to my dad where I was concerned. I'm very glad for that.