She lives in the place in the side of our lives where nothing is ever put straight

[judecorp]

I think that maybe I don't know how to grieve properly or something. Oh sure, I know there's no right way or whatever but I got to thinking about when A. and I broke up and it was much the same thing. I sat around and felt like I should be more upset, more unable to cope, something. Anything.

When A. and I broke up, I was mostly okay all the time and then would occasionally get totally pissed off at him. And that was it. From Acceptance to Anger to Acceptance and back again.

I went into work for a little bit today to drop off some things (like my time sheet) and make some phone calls without my cell phone. Several of my coworkers stopped by my office to make sure I was okay (which was nice) and they all commented on how surprised they are at how well I'm doing. It just makes me wonder when people say that, you know? *shrug* I mean, yes, it's sad. Yes, it's terrible. Yes, it's hard for my family and we will miss him horribly and we miss him already. Yes, I'm concerned about his affairs, and his debts, and his belongings. I'm concerned about the effects on my brother. But how can I be so overcome with grief on this beautiful day, with beautiful sun and beautiful sky and fresh sea air in my lungs? In the dark, late at night, that's a different story, I suppose. But the joy of public life and diving into work is the Gods-given ability to compartmentalize, right?

I know there's plenty of time for me to be beside myself with grief, and I know that I should take these days as a blessing instead of wondering what is wrong with me. But I can't help it, I wonder. What is wrong with me?

I'm not a heartless person. I know I have a huge heart, a lot of love, a lot of compassion. Where is it? Is it still in there somewhere and I just don't know it? Or does it just choose not to manifest itself in tears?

Comments

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

so you think you're AVOIDING the matter instead of handling it? that's no good...i hope you're being healthy with it all. *hugs*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'm avoiding it. At least, not on purpose if I am. I mean, I'm honest about it: my dad is dead. My dad was 57 and healthy-ish and now he's dead. Damn, that really sucks, cause I really love the guy and wanted to do other things with him, like go to more baseball games and eat lunch and banter about how much I didn't love him and drive to the ocean on his motorcycle and have him celebrate our marriage with us and watch him play with his grandchildren. But that stuff isn't going to happen. And that sucks.

But my life isn't over, and those things are not the only things that were going to give me joy in the future. I have an incredible partner and we recently got married, we're trying to get our shit together to make some babies together, my brother and sister-in-law are in town and I get to kick it with them, and I have a really close family (biological and in-law) that I am going to continue to enjoy being with.

I dunno, am I avoiding? Maybe I'm not totally cognizant of the Big Picture of what my dad's absence will look like, but I don't think I'm avoiding it, per se.

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

that's good :) *more hugs*