Woonsocket Woes

[judecorp]

So Jennifer and I had this HUGE talk last night into today about moving, and our plans. It is pretty freaking stressful to talk about these things and I admit that I'd probably rather just avoid the whole topic but it IS a lot better to talk about things when she's right next to me, which is nice. It's awesome to know that though we continue to have our bumps in the road, we've still got it.

So the bottom line of all of our talk is that we've agreed on two things: that moving to Woonsocket would be the best thing for us financially in terms of living basically rent-free. Heck, we could probably bank $1000/month and after five years, that would be 60 Grand, dude. Madness. Also, that it /is/ important to me to be close to my grandparents in case they needed anything or anything happened to them.

We also agreed on one other thing: that neither one of us really wants to move to Woonsocket AT ALL, that we pretty much think we would be miserable there, that we would have a hard time making friends, that it would be a strain on our relationship, that we don't want to be landlords, that we don't want to live somewhere that we're not legally married.

This, of course, begs the dilemma - do we do something because it's financially sound in the short term even if we don't want to? Does the financial ends outweigh the emotional means? Do my grandparents even WANT us to live next door?

The bottom line is that we STILL want to live in Western Mass, and own a quaint older house with a nice piece of land, and have babies and raise them with lots of Northampton lesbian moms, and be married and be home repair girls and organic, crunchy, AP country bumpkins. That's what we want. It hasn't changed.

Sure, we could live in Woonsocket for, say, five years, sell the house and take the profits and our saved $60K and try to relocate AGAIN, start over, meet new people, be the new kids on the block, find new jobs. And I would feel better about my grandparents and we would be in a good financial position.

Or we could sell Dad's place, stow the money, and relocate to Western Mass, find jobs, and use the house profits to put a big downpayment on a reasonably-priced house (you can still score a $200K house there). No, we wouldn't have renter income (no free living) but we wouldn't be living in Woonsocket, either. However, this would mean we were 2 hours from my grandparents, and would I feel guilty if something happened or I couldn't be there all the time? I don't know.

I'm starting to realize that I'm stuck with a huge-ass choice between my grandparents and my wife. Jen is willing to move to Woonsocket but has been clear about how she would do it for a year or so, no more, because she would not like it. And it seems silly to move somewhere (AGAIN) for a year (AGAIN) and start over (AGAIN). Ugh. And while I feel I owe a huge debt to my grandparents because of everything they have done and will continue to do for me, is that enough to cause my immediate family misery? And do they even WANT me to be there for them like that? I mean, I have other relatives (my brother, my uncle) and they're certainly not considering packing up their lives and moving to Woonsocket. What makes me different? Why do I feel that our life is more transitory and therefore less important?

I used to be a really selfish, self-aware person. What happened? I can't believe I'm /still/ considering moving to Woonsocket even though neither of us wants to. With MONEY as one of the reasons. How did this happen to me? When did this become my life?

Eff it. I want the fixer-upper cottage in Easthampton, stat!

Comments

[mayna.livejournal.com]

How do you know you won't like it unless you try it? You could give it a year and then if you both agree that you don't like it, move and sell the house.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Uhhh, 'cause I lived there for 17 years. And there's very little to do. And we get stared at a lot there.

Yeah, we could "give it a year," but that involves moving this year AND next year if we don't like it. (And buying the house and then trying to sell it fairly quickly.) Since we wouldn't plan to stay more than five years anyway, right now it seems like an awfully painful gamble.

[hope-persists.livejournal.com]

oh man, would i love you babes to live out here. a friend of mine got a house in the hilltowns (in goshen) with less than 10k down. and her mortage is around 800 a month, i think, which isn't that bad.

outside of my personal preference of "whatever gets you to the valley sooner," i personally think that moving to woonsocket would be really really hard. financially, it would be good, but your own immediate family's well being (and that includes you) needs to win out over anything else. and transplanting yourself is so crappy as it is, let alone to somewhere icky like woonsocket. good luck with what you choose, and have faith that things will turn out as they are supposed to (if you believe in that sort of thing). if you are meant to live in the valley, than you will get here, even if there's a couple year detour. the babies and cats and picket fences will all still be here ;)

but i see you are thinking seriously about this already. personally, i would try to make the move here sooner rather than later. people around me talk about the housing market all the time. and they always talk about how quickly the "affordable" places are getting less and less affordable.

good luck, my dear.

A year really isn't that long...

[cranapril.livejournal.com]

We lived in Michigan for a year, in a tiny two bedroom apartment with the four of us. My mom was an hour away, my Great-Aunt Olga a little farther.. my brothers and their families. It was nice for a year, and I felt compelled to visit my Great-Aunt and make sure she hadn't gotten too crazy in my absence. But the year flew by so quickly, it really wasn't that horrible.

Listen... I've been on food stamps... and we're now having no problem dropping a couple grand on a TV or a playset for the kids or whatever. Yes, the money is helpful, but it's not everything. We were happy when we were poor. Money doesn't make you happy, but it sure is a lot more entertaining.

Give yourselves a good kick in the pants, find a place you can JUST afford, and everything will fall into place.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE... for your grandparents.

Do not give up your freedom and happiness for the crush of guilt you're feeling. Starting the next step of your life with Jen will happen if you just take that first scary step into home-debt.

DO IT.

Before I come over there and smack you.

*SMOOCH*

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

Easthampton wants you too.

But we'll be your friends no matter where you live.

[gabriellag.livejournal.com]

I got a letter from CVS today, return address Woonsocket. Never knew it existed until I read it in your journal.

From reading this, it's obvious you're not going there. Don't.

Your grandparents may benefit if they move there, and while they'll never tell you this, they want what is best from you. They've lived their life. They know you love them. But really, they don't want sacrifices. They want you to visit and to call, but they want you to live your life, and if Woonsocket isn't it, they don't want that. Not that they'll tell you that, but, yeah, that's what they want. I see old people.

Take the money and run. Make yourselves happy. Your grandparents need help, and you'll provide it. But they've lived their life, and they want you to live yours. And I can't believe they'd be disappointed with a great-grand baby!

Re: A year really isn't that long...

[livinginoctober.livejournal.com]

Where in Michigan did you live? I'm from there. :)

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

That is not an easy decision, to say the least. I wish I had good advice for you.

Honestly, I think you should do what you and Jen's heart/gut tells you is right. If that isn't clear right now, give yourselves some time and clarity will come to you (I hope).

It is right to want to care for your grandparents. It is also right to care for yourselves. Two hours is not all that far away, when you think about it. If this is going to be the huge strain on your relationships (and a load of stress to each of you), it might not be worth the money.

I guess that's my advice. Good luck discerning what is right for you.

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

You don't need my advice, but if I were to offer it, I'd tell you to sell the place, and let someone who wants to live in Woonsocket go there. Buy something crunchy out in Western Mass, and live as well as you can. You're close enough for emergencies and planned visits and not so close you resent them for the choice you made on their behalf.

Bluntly said, what if you stay there for five years and nothing changes--no increased health problems, etc. You gonna stay there forever?

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

And FWIW my mom lives 2 hours from HER mom, and my granny is 83 and getting frailer. I haven't heard my parents talk about moving anywhere.

[volumeat11.livejournal.com]

...all I'm sayin'...your grandparents have been there, done that...they're still capable human beings -- they'd be in some assisted living if they weren't able to be "on their own"...and I'll bet they want YOU (plural) to be happy...

I hate to minimalize it or trivialize it. I really do. But this is your time. It's time for /you/ to get the house and the babies and the "happily ever after."

FOR ONCE...think about you first. Do it for Melissa. (Because Northampton is one hour down a scenic route 9.)

That's all I'm sayin'. I vow to never throw in my two cents again unless prodded.

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

bah, i'm not envious of the place you are in right now. i hope you figure *something* out soon, if for no other reason than to get your head settled a bit.

[siercia]

Yeah, that last paragraph of what she said is what sticks in my head - your grandparents are, from what I read, healthy for their age. They might just need you more in five years, and then you'll REALLY feel like you're abandoning them if you try to leave.

Going for a year doesn't make any sense at all, to me - you move, you find jobs just to then deal with the headache of trying to sell the house while you're living in it. None of that sounds fun.

Two hours is NOT far away, really. And you'll be happier.

The only other thing I would say is that you may, if you're not already, talk to a good lawyer, make sure you know all the financial and tax repercussions of selling now vs. buying and selling in a year, buying and holding for five years, etc etc. I'd hate to see you decide something and then have it turn out to be a poorer choice than you thought.

Along those lines as well, houses are never free - you might have no or little rent, but maintenance on a house can be expensive. You might find you can't really get that $1000 / month you're hoping for.

Re: A year really isn't that long...

[cranapril.livejournal.com]

I was born in Royal Oak, grew up in Southfield and Fraser. Mom lives in Rochester, Great-Aunt lives in Lincoln Park... and we lived the last year in Whitmore Lake while my husband did his fellowship at UofM.

[sudrin.livejournal.com]

Plus, who wouldn't want to live in WOONSOCKET. I'm going to say that word five times today. Woonsocket. I love it. Its like a new internet protocol.. Woonsocket. Did you check the Woonsocket driver? I love it.

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

The good thing about your family is that they know six thousand people in Woonsocket. Your grandparents won't be alone if you aren't there. Have crazy binocular uncle keep an eye on them (from his own living room!)

On the other hand, I remember when you first moved to Boston years ago and we drove back and forth from Woonsocket to Boston a couple times in one day and it wasn't a huge deal. If you do live in Woonsocket, you still won't be stuck alone on a deserted hillbilly island. You have an escape route!

Living rent-free and being close to family sounds like a pretty good deal... but then again, I'm not a good judge for this since I'm moving back to goddamn Brewer. ;P

[biophile6.livejournal.com]

I Think if you could get that life in Western Mass, that would be completely awesome. I'm rooting for you all the way! As for me, these things are on hold, and I just have to work them out patch by patch.

Moving to Twin Peaks, Alaska

[biophile6.livejournal.com]

Goodmorning Christopher,

Sorry, the position has been filled. Thank you for your interest in the
University of Maine at Presque Isle.

You may want to look into the Maine Winter Sports Center.

Denise

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, crazy binocular uncle died in March. No, really. My grandfather just sold his house.

Now there's no one in the compound. :(

(And sure, we could drive to Boston for fun, but not, like, for dinner or something. Because that would suck.)

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

D'oh! Where's your grandfather moving to? Maybe you can convince him to buy a house with you in Mass!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No no, my bad. My grandfather sold the house he co-owned with my uncle (the one my uncle lived in, the one that looks just like my dad's). My grandparents are SO not moving.

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

oh oh oh... gotcha. I thought it was an awfully bold move for them..

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Heh, yeah. But no.

Re: Moving to Twin Peaks, Alaska

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, don't move to Alaska! I would MISS YOU!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wish there was a way for us to make it work, too. I just love it there.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, I hate when out-of-towners say it. They always accent the "oo" like Woooooooooooooooonsocket. It drives me totally bonkers. I can't stand it.

I'm more of a "one-socket" pronouncer.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, me too. My head is just spinning so much. There is so freaking much to do. I am so overwhelmed. I wish I didn't have a job - I could get so much more done.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I like 'Do it for Melissa' as a slogan. Definitely!

(Although no matter where we live: here, Woonsocket, or western MA, we'll still be about an hour from you guys.)

I really would like to have my 'happily ever after' now. I mean, I feel like I deserve it. I also feel like we will never get there.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I just wish my dad hadn't set the precedent of being there, because now I feel like SOMEONE has to. Like it's a legacy that needs to be passed on.

But Jen keeps reminding me that that was HIS life and HIS choice, and I shouldn't have to make it mine.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I agree that going for a year makes no sense... besides, I don't want to move twice. No way. I am so sick of moving. I was always thinking of it in terms of 5 years, but then when Jen said she could only do it for a year or so, it really changed things for me. One year, what's the point?

And yeah, I should talk to a financial planner at any rate. We've been meaning to do that once we get some finances. We /do/ have a lawyer helping us out with the estate stuff, but so far he seems pretty useless. (He was recommended by my grandfather.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

True. Very true.

I guess I just am not very good at following my own dreams, because I've always been just too good at doing what everyone else wants.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Thankfully, this whole cleaning-the-house process is guaranteed to take a long time so we will have a lot of time to think about everything. I just want to get it all over with, though. It seems so daunting, especially when I have a full-time job out here and a household to run here... and don't have a lot of time to run out to RI and take care of those things.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, the thing is, sometimes I don't know if they want me to live my own life. Sometimes I worry that people see my life as different or less serious than my brother's, because I don't have a high paying job (I'm a social worker) even though I went to a lot of school, I've moved a bunch of times, I'm in a same-sex relationship, etc. I don't think they /really/ understand (even though I tell them) that I'm committed to my career and my wife, that we're going to start talking about having kids, etc.

I think they still think of me as some kid, and they probably think it's in my best interest to move into my dad's place, get a job in RI, and save money. And sometimes I think they're right. I mean, we're living paycheck to paycheck right now, so sometimes having ANYTHING extra sounds like a good idea.

But at the same time, it's not what I want for our future and for my little family. So I guess we need to work something else out.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know, but it would be more fun to be neighbors!!

(But you might end up moving away when you get your degree.)

Re: A year really isn't that long...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I really hope you're right about everything falling into place. I do.

And no, a year isn't that long, but it wouldn't make sense to pack up and move down there for a year, find new jobs, get a new social work license, and then pack up and move again. That is too much craziness and it makes my head spin. If I had a fellowship or some sort of one-year contract, that would be one thing... but I wouldn't. I'd be looking for a FT job.

Please don't smack me. I /want/ the home-debt, I'm not scared of it, I just can't have it HERE. Because HERE is ridiculous.

And of course I'm not responsible. FOR ANYTHING!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I would LOVE to get our crap together and move sooner rather than later. But I have NO idea how long it will take to deal with the house stuff. There is so much to clear out, to sell, to give away, to clean, etc. And then the house would need to get ready for sale (maybe some paint, maybe some maintenance, who knows?) and then the whole sale process. And THEN we would need to find jobs in the area.

Pain pain pain. I just want things to magically work out!!

[prunesnprisms.livejournal.com]

It was his life and his choice! I guess I don't know, but maybe he didn't want to be anywhere else?

[volumeat11.livejournal.com]

Oh, you'll get there -- shit, you've earned it. But HOW and WHEN you'll get there...now that's a conversation between you and Jen that I shan't be privy to -- nor would I want to be...

It's Jude Time. Wake up.

[sudrin.livejournal.com]

Lucky for me I was just TYPING it then. ;-)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

See? I KNEW IT!!! =P

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No, he did. He kept begging me to find him a job somewhere else.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I hope it really happens!