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Working on Things
A little while ago, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
technodyke got the amazing idea to ask her readership to state and describe those parts of our bodies that we hate. It was very eye-opening, both to see what things were hated by people whom I happen to think are totally beautiful, and also to see how common everything was, how normalized. So often in my work I try to make people feel better by normalizing their fears/difficulties, but never really knew the total effect until I participated in her little experiment. And people were able to get great feedback from other people, which was also awesome.
Since I (and a lot of other people) found it so helpful, I thought I would try to start a similar dialogue about another touchy subject: personal flaws. We have them. We don't like to admit we have them. We don't like to talk about them. And when things happen because of them, we look for anything or anyone else to blame. We say we're working on them, or we need to work on them, and then we let things go along swimmingly and put them aside until the next dilemma.
I'm going to start the hard work now by telling you all some of the flaws that I have, some of the issues in my life and in my personality that I really and truly need to work on. And you might think less of me and you might not, but I encourage you to list some of your own just the same, if you dare. Come on, let's see how painfully /human/ we all really are. Shall we?
1. I do not handle stress well. Not at all. I feel like I can handle everyday stressors to a point, but I have a clear limit as to how much I can handle gracefully. And that limit, well, it's not very high. And then every little thing builds on that, and becomes even bigger, to the point that I am getting stressed out about /everything/. Take today. I was a little stressed about the alarm clock. But then I saw the closet, and since I was just getting out of bed and needing to get ready for work, the closet thing was incredibly stressful. So I took a shower and got ready, and got out into the kitchen and found that Jen hadn't put her clothes away. And all of a sudden this little annoyance became a huge deal, and then I lost my shit: about the alarm clock, about the closet, about having to replace the hardware in the closet, about the clothes, about the dishes, about my dentist appointment and whether I would find a parking space, you name it.
I really need to work on letting things go - maybe not things like a trashed closet (because really, that's kind of a big deal) but definitely an occasion miscommunication about an alarm, or some undone dishes, but especially things that I don't have control over and can't anticipate (like finding parking). And /somehow/ I need to get some better stress management skills, so that I don't go from okay, okay, okay, BIG FREAKING NEUROTIC MESS EVERYTHING IS A TRAGEDY NOTHING WILL EVER BE SOLVED, okay.
2. I don't ask for help when I need it, but then I get incredibly hurt when I don't receive it. Because I want a super-partner-mindreader. Self-explanatory.
3. I like to say I'm not a jealous person, and to a lot of degrees that is absolutely true. I don't get hung up on whether my beloved is going to find someone else and leave me, or secretly cheat on me, or fantastize about someone else, or whatever. I'm totally comfortable in the level of commitment in my relationship. I do, however, get jealous of other people's experiences. I get jealous when Jen has plans with other people that don't include me, or when people call her to do stuff and don't call me, or when I have to do something un-fun (like work or babysitting or cleaning Dad's house) and she gets to do something fun. And I get super cranky about it. I really need to work on letting her have fun experiences and being happy for her, instead of being sad for me for feeling left out.
4. I need to stop comparing myself to other people. No, I will not make as much money as other people I know. No, I will not be able to afford expensive trips or fancy cars or brand-name clothes. No, I will probably never stop stressing about how high the electric bill will be, or how we will cover unexpected expenses. No, we will never be able to buy a house in the Boston area. No, we will never make 6 figures. No, we can't afford to think about children right now. And yes, we know people who can do all of these things, who seem much more together and stable and secure than we are.
I need to learn to say, "WHO CARES??!!?!?" We are strong and we are self-sufficient and we are in love and we are committed and we are getting by. We have dreams and we have plans and we are going to do everything we can to make them happen. And if they don't happen as quickly as I want them to, or for god's sake as quickly as other people, well that's just TOO BAD. Other people might have it "better" than us and there is nothing wrong with that. We have it "better" than other people, too.
5. Just because we have arguments sometimes does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we miscommunicate does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we don't always read each other's minds does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we do not act as "mushy" as other people does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we do not make out and have sex as much as we did in the past does not mean we do not have a good relationship. WE HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP AND I JUST NEED TO FREAKING TRUST IN THAT, okay?
6. When I get /really/ upset, I really want to be comforted but I push away comfort. And then I get more upset because Jen will go along with what I say... like if I say, "Oh, forget it, just go to bed," and she does, I feel betrayed by her. But I /really/ need to feel betrayed by myself.
7. I don't feel nearly as self-confident as I used to. I'm sure it has a lot to do with not feeling like I have a secure friend-base here, but I really don't need to be basing my self-confidence on external sources or other people. Perhaps it's been a bit of a kick in the pants to move out of my "big-fish-small-pond" thing I had going in Columbus (because really, that was TEH AWESOME) but I can't really let my life fall apart because of that. It's been a year, I'm starting to meet more people, I've found some people I really click with, and I need to just go along with that and be cool with it. I need to see those people as the blessings that they are, even if there are less of them than I think are ideal. No, I don't have a long list of people I can call when I want to hang out. Yet. I lived in Columbus for 4 years and the first 1.5 were kind of lonely, too. Remember that.
8. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A FAILED MARRIAGE IN MY PAST DOES NOT MEAN I AM AUTOMATICALLY GOING TO FAIL AT THIS ONE, TOO. I am NOT incapable of making a marriage work, I was simply incapable of making my PREVIOUS marriage work.
That's enough for now. Do you want to play? Come on, admit it, post it, let it go to the wind. Read the others, see you're not alone, see how strong and self-aware and passionate you are. Support each other. Offer each other suggestions. BE REAL WITH EACH OTHER. This is your life, and it is ending one moment at a time. Make this one count: for you, for me, and for all of the others who are brave enough to post here. No flaming, please.
technodyke got the amazing idea to ask her readership to state and describe those parts of our bodies that we hate. It was very eye-opening, both to see what things were hated by people whom I happen to think are totally beautiful, and also to see how common everything was, how normalized. So often in my work I try to make people feel better by normalizing their fears/difficulties, but never really knew the total effect until I participated in her little experiment. And people were able to get great feedback from other people, which was also awesome.Since I (and a lot of other people) found it so helpful, I thought I would try to start a similar dialogue about another touchy subject: personal flaws. We have them. We don't like to admit we have them. We don't like to talk about them. And when things happen because of them, we look for anything or anyone else to blame. We say we're working on them, or we need to work on them, and then we let things go along swimmingly and put them aside until the next dilemma.
I'm going to start the hard work now by telling you all some of the flaws that I have, some of the issues in my life and in my personality that I really and truly need to work on. And you might think less of me and you might not, but I encourage you to list some of your own just the same, if you dare. Come on, let's see how painfully /human/ we all really are. Shall we?
1. I do not handle stress well. Not at all. I feel like I can handle everyday stressors to a point, but I have a clear limit as to how much I can handle gracefully. And that limit, well, it's not very high. And then every little thing builds on that, and becomes even bigger, to the point that I am getting stressed out about /everything/. Take today. I was a little stressed about the alarm clock. But then I saw the closet, and since I was just getting out of bed and needing to get ready for work, the closet thing was incredibly stressful. So I took a shower and got ready, and got out into the kitchen and found that Jen hadn't put her clothes away. And all of a sudden this little annoyance became a huge deal, and then I lost my shit: about the alarm clock, about the closet, about having to replace the hardware in the closet, about the clothes, about the dishes, about my dentist appointment and whether I would find a parking space, you name it.
I really need to work on letting things go - maybe not things like a trashed closet (because really, that's kind of a big deal) but definitely an occasion miscommunication about an alarm, or some undone dishes, but especially things that I don't have control over and can't anticipate (like finding parking). And /somehow/ I need to get some better stress management skills, so that I don't go from okay, okay, okay, BIG FREAKING NEUROTIC MESS EVERYTHING IS A TRAGEDY NOTHING WILL EVER BE SOLVED, okay.
2. I don't ask for help when I need it, but then I get incredibly hurt when I don't receive it. Because I want a super-partner-mindreader. Self-explanatory.
3. I like to say I'm not a jealous person, and to a lot of degrees that is absolutely true. I don't get hung up on whether my beloved is going to find someone else and leave me, or secretly cheat on me, or fantastize about someone else, or whatever. I'm totally comfortable in the level of commitment in my relationship. I do, however, get jealous of other people's experiences. I get jealous when Jen has plans with other people that don't include me, or when people call her to do stuff and don't call me, or when I have to do something un-fun (like work or babysitting or cleaning Dad's house) and she gets to do something fun. And I get super cranky about it. I really need to work on letting her have fun experiences and being happy for her, instead of being sad for me for feeling left out.
4. I need to stop comparing myself to other people. No, I will not make as much money as other people I know. No, I will not be able to afford expensive trips or fancy cars or brand-name clothes. No, I will probably never stop stressing about how high the electric bill will be, or how we will cover unexpected expenses. No, we will never be able to buy a house in the Boston area. No, we will never make 6 figures. No, we can't afford to think about children right now. And yes, we know people who can do all of these things, who seem much more together and stable and secure than we are.
I need to learn to say, "WHO CARES??!!?!?" We are strong and we are self-sufficient and we are in love and we are committed and we are getting by. We have dreams and we have plans and we are going to do everything we can to make them happen. And if they don't happen as quickly as I want them to, or for god's sake as quickly as other people, well that's just TOO BAD. Other people might have it "better" than us and there is nothing wrong with that. We have it "better" than other people, too.
5. Just because we have arguments sometimes does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we miscommunicate does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we don't always read each other's minds does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we do not act as "mushy" as other people does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we do not make out and have sex as much as we did in the past does not mean we do not have a good relationship. WE HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP AND I JUST NEED TO FREAKING TRUST IN THAT, okay?
6. When I get /really/ upset, I really want to be comforted but I push away comfort. And then I get more upset because Jen will go along with what I say... like if I say, "Oh, forget it, just go to bed," and she does, I feel betrayed by her. But I /really/ need to feel betrayed by myself.
7. I don't feel nearly as self-confident as I used to. I'm sure it has a lot to do with not feeling like I have a secure friend-base here, but I really don't need to be basing my self-confidence on external sources or other people. Perhaps it's been a bit of a kick in the pants to move out of my "big-fish-small-pond" thing I had going in Columbus (because really, that was TEH AWESOME) but I can't really let my life fall apart because of that. It's been a year, I'm starting to meet more people, I've found some people I really click with, and I need to just go along with that and be cool with it. I need to see those people as the blessings that they are, even if there are less of them than I think are ideal. No, I don't have a long list of people I can call when I want to hang out. Yet. I lived in Columbus for 4 years and the first 1.5 were kind of lonely, too. Remember that.
8. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A FAILED MARRIAGE IN MY PAST DOES NOT MEAN I AM AUTOMATICALLY GOING TO FAIL AT THIS ONE, TOO. I am NOT incapable of making a marriage work, I was simply incapable of making my PREVIOUS marriage work.
That's enough for now. Do you want to play? Come on, admit it, post it, let it go to the wind. Read the others, see you're not alone, see how strong and self-aware and passionate you are. Support each other. Offer each other suggestions. BE REAL WITH EACH OTHER. This is your life, and it is ending one moment at a time. Make this one count: for you, for me, and for all of the others who are brave enough to post here. No flaming, please.