Working on Things

[judecorp]

A little while ago, technodyke got the amazing idea to ask her readership to state and describe those parts of our bodies that we hate. It was very eye-opening, both to see what things were hated by people whom I happen to think are totally beautiful, and also to see how common everything was, how normalized. So often in my work I try to make people feel better by normalizing their fears/difficulties, but never really knew the total effect until I participated in her little experiment. And people were able to get great feedback from other people, which was also awesome.

Since I (and a lot of other people) found it so helpful, I thought I would try to start a similar dialogue about another touchy subject: personal flaws. We have them. We don't like to admit we have them. We don't like to talk about them. And when things happen because of them, we look for anything or anyone else to blame. We say we're working on them, or we need to work on them, and then we let things go along swimmingly and put them aside until the next dilemma.

I'm going to start the hard work now by telling you all some of the flaws that I have, some of the issues in my life and in my personality that I really and truly need to work on. And you might think less of me and you might not, but I encourage you to list some of your own just the same, if you dare. Come on, let's see how painfully /human/ we all really are. Shall we?

1. I do not handle stress well. Not at all. I feel like I can handle everyday stressors to a point, but I have a clear limit as to how much I can handle gracefully. And that limit, well, it's not very high. And then every little thing builds on that, and becomes even bigger, to the point that I am getting stressed out about /everything/. Take today. I was a little stressed about the alarm clock. But then I saw the closet, and since I was just getting out of bed and needing to get ready for work, the closet thing was incredibly stressful. So I took a shower and got ready, and got out into the kitchen and found that Jen hadn't put her clothes away. And all of a sudden this little annoyance became a huge deal, and then I lost my shit: about the alarm clock, about the closet, about having to replace the hardware in the closet, about the clothes, about the dishes, about my dentist appointment and whether I would find a parking space, you name it.

I really need to work on letting things go - maybe not things like a trashed closet (because really, that's kind of a big deal) but definitely an occasion miscommunication about an alarm, or some undone dishes, but especially things that I don't have control over and can't anticipate (like finding parking). And /somehow/ I need to get some better stress management skills, so that I don't go from okay, okay, okay, BIG FREAKING NEUROTIC MESS EVERYTHING IS A TRAGEDY NOTHING WILL EVER BE SOLVED, okay.

2. I don't ask for help when I need it, but then I get incredibly hurt when I don't receive it. Because I want a super-partner-mindreader. Self-explanatory.

3. I like to say I'm not a jealous person, and to a lot of degrees that is absolutely true. I don't get hung up on whether my beloved is going to find someone else and leave me, or secretly cheat on me, or fantastize about someone else, or whatever. I'm totally comfortable in the level of commitment in my relationship. I do, however, get jealous of other people's experiences. I get jealous when Jen has plans with other people that don't include me, or when people call her to do stuff and don't call me, or when I have to do something un-fun (like work or babysitting or cleaning Dad's house) and she gets to do something fun. And I get super cranky about it. I really need to work on letting her have fun experiences and being happy for her, instead of being sad for me for feeling left out.

4. I need to stop comparing myself to other people. No, I will not make as much money as other people I know. No, I will not be able to afford expensive trips or fancy cars or brand-name clothes. No, I will probably never stop stressing about how high the electric bill will be, or how we will cover unexpected expenses. No, we will never be able to buy a house in the Boston area. No, we will never make 6 figures. No, we can't afford to think about children right now. And yes, we know people who can do all of these things, who seem much more together and stable and secure than we are.

I need to learn to say, "WHO CARES??!!?!?" We are strong and we are self-sufficient and we are in love and we are committed and we are getting by. We have dreams and we have plans and we are going to do everything we can to make them happen. And if they don't happen as quickly as I want them to, or for god's sake as quickly as other people, well that's just TOO BAD. Other people might have it "better" than us and there is nothing wrong with that. We have it "better" than other people, too.

5. Just because we have arguments sometimes does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we miscommunicate does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we don't always read each other's minds does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we do not act as "mushy" as other people does not mean we do not have a good relationship. Just because we do not make out and have sex as much as we did in the past does not mean we do not have a good relationship. WE HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP AND I JUST NEED TO FREAKING TRUST IN THAT, okay?

6. When I get /really/ upset, I really want to be comforted but I push away comfort. And then I get more upset because Jen will go along with what I say... like if I say, "Oh, forget it, just go to bed," and she does, I feel betrayed by her. But I /really/ need to feel betrayed by myself.

7. I don't feel nearly as self-confident as I used to. I'm sure it has a lot to do with not feeling like I have a secure friend-base here, but I really don't need to be basing my self-confidence on external sources or other people. Perhaps it's been a bit of a kick in the pants to move out of my "big-fish-small-pond" thing I had going in Columbus (because really, that was TEH AWESOME) but I can't really let my life fall apart because of that. It's been a year, I'm starting to meet more people, I've found some people I really click with, and I need to just go along with that and be cool with it. I need to see those people as the blessings that they are, even if there are less of them than I think are ideal. No, I don't have a long list of people I can call when I want to hang out. Yet. I lived in Columbus for 4 years and the first 1.5 were kind of lonely, too. Remember that.

8. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A FAILED MARRIAGE IN MY PAST DOES NOT MEAN I AM AUTOMATICALLY GOING TO FAIL AT THIS ONE, TOO. I am NOT incapable of making a marriage work, I was simply incapable of making my PREVIOUS marriage work.

That's enough for now. Do you want to play? Come on, admit it, post it, let it go to the wind. Read the others, see you're not alone, see how strong and self-aware and passionate you are. Support each other. Offer each other suggestions. BE REAL WITH EACH OTHER. This is your life, and it is ending one moment at a time. Make this one count: for you, for me, and for all of the others who are brave enough to post here. No flaming, please.

Comments

re: #2

[etherial.livejournal.com]

I am so the same way.

Re: #2

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wonder why this is. I know a lot of people who are the same way or at least similar. Why do we do this? Does society erroneously teach us that "good" partners are mind-readers?

ok, here goes....

[nikongirln70.livejournal.com]

1. i always have to be liked, by EVERYONE; it really shakes me up when someone doesn't like me. i know that i do not like everyone that i meet, but for some reason i am terrified of someone disliking me. this leads to me closing up my real feelings inside and just trying to please everyone except myself. i go crazy if i am in a fight with a friend, i can't handle it when people who i thought were my friend make it obvious that they don't like me anymore. i wish i could just let go of this need to be liked by everyone and just like myself.

2. i'm a flirty, tease-y person. i admit it: i.love.flirting. even though i have a boyfriend, i like meeting new people and knowing that they're attracted to me. i don't know why, i think i still need this validation from others that i'm pretty enough or charming enough even though my boyfriend tells me every 5 seconds that i'm beautiful. i try my hardest to ignore boys when i go to the bar, but sometimes i don't even realize what i'm doing until it's too late and then i feel awful and guilty about it later.

3. i tend to ignore huge problems looming in my future until the last possible second when i've backed myself in a corner and force myself into a decision without really making one. i hate that i can't just make a choice and stick to it and do it passionately. i always see-saw every big issue and once i half heartedly make a choice i change my mind a few days later until i've run myself ragged thinking about the issue without really resolving it. i need to be better at being more aggressive and more interested in what i'm going to do with my life instead of slide on the coattails of someone else like i feel i'm doing now.

4. i also compare myself to others every second of the day. a lot of my thoughts turn into "well so and so does this better than me, so why even bother". i always give up if i know someone can do it better, which is probably why i haven't done anything worthwhile in my life yet - get a clue, jen, there will always be someone better and more successful and prettier and smarter and etc etc etc. i need to get out of the trap of living my life trying to outdo other people. being competative is so stressful and makes me more unhappy. i wish i could just stop looking at my friends and being jealous, they're probably jealous about something i have too - i just need to remember that.

5. i'm careless [or forgetful or absent-minded, whatever]. i'm careless when i drive, i'm careless with money, i'm careless with appointments, i'm careless with my life. i tend to not take some things as seriously as they should be - like driving. you'd think with the number of car accidents and tickets i've had, i'd be a hawk on the road now, but in fact i find myself doing the same shit i've done in the past that's gotten me into trouble [talking on my cell phone while driving, not looking when i change lanes, making illigal turns]. money also trickles through my fingers, i can't seem to say no to things i think i really want and i am apparently incabable of saving money. i also just forget to do little things like turn off lights or remembering to make or cancel appointments or make calls that need to be made. i need to write a list each day of all the things that have to get done then reward myself with a litttle treat if i accomplish them all.

6. i'm insanely secretive. i never tell anyone the whole story ever. i keep a lot to myself and only selectively choose what to tell certain people. because of this trait, i tend to lie a lot too. usually white lies really, but sometimes more serious stuff. i hate that i lie so often but i do it without even realizing it most of the time. ex, if i had plans to go out with a friend tonight and an hour before i decided id rather stay in, instead of telling my friend that, i'd make up some bizarre story about losing my wallet or having to do some emergency last minute other thing. i'm sure my friend would understand if i just told her the truth, but i feel the need to make the story elaborate and complicated, maybe because i'm just worried about that person taking it personally that i didn't want to go out.

Re: ok, here goes....

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Re: #1 - It really shakes me up when someone doesn't like me, too. It doesn't bother me as much when someone is mad at me (because I assume it will blow over and we will be friends again) but it /really/ bothers me when someone stops being my friend. I totally overanalyze the whole thing, and it continues to bother me even years later. I used to actively try to contact those people who aren't friends with me anymore to try to get them to be my friend again, often apologizing when I didn't really believe it was my fault. I have since stopped doing this, and while it still bothers me when people aren't my friend, I don't do anything about it anymore. I let it go.

Re: #2 - This is also SO me. I flirt with everyone because I want everyone to have a crush on me. I think this is why I kissed so many people back in the day, which was /really/ uncomfortable for Jennifer. I just want people to tell me I'm so charming/hot/whatever. WHY??!?!

Thank you for sharing all of this stuff. I lament that we didn't have more time together to get to know each other.

xoxo

[livinginoctober.livejournal.com]

I have many, many, many. But I'm slowly working on them, one by one.

My obsessive nature gets the best of me way too much. Since Mark has moved in, my neediness and clingy nature has gotten A LOT better. I very rarely call him anymore when he's out unless I need something brought home, where I used to call him WAY too much. I feel more secure and safer in what we have now, and that's nice.

1. My cleaning obsession. I get angry when people mess up my apartment. I got so angry today I had to leave.

2. My irrational fears/thoughts. I really let my mind get too carried away.

3. Constantly comparing myself to others. I feel like a total failure because I'm not married/with kids/successful career/Nobel Prize Winner/etc.

4. My fears about "coming out" to my family and what their reaction will be/living my life in accordance to what I feel other people (my parents) want from me.

5. My social anxiety preventing me from forging new friendships.

6. My stubborn attitude towards my physical and mental health. I put myself in a great deal of danger, a lot...both mentally and physically...(type 2 diabetes and my weight) I refuse to take care of myself if there are others who need my attention.

There are more, and I'll probably unearth another 50 in my therapy session tomorrow. But..also in therapy, I'm letting go of the past and moving forward with my head high, my eyes open, and willing to face these flaws with a good grip on reality. My number one priority now is my mental and physical health, and being honest with my family (FINALLY) about who I am.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing! I don't like it when people mess up my apartment, either. I've tried not to be such a boob about it, but it is slow going, partially because clutter and mess make me incredibly anxious.

I'm curious about your coming out process. I hope it all goes well when you decide to come out to your family. I'll be thinking of you.

[everyday-fire.livejournal.com]

I'm definitey doing to do this. Later.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Okay, cool!

[carina-s.livejournal.com]

• I am hopelessly late most of the time. This is because I am easily distracted. I'm working on this. ;)


• I am hopelessly forgetful. I walk downstairs to get something and by the time I am there I forget what I was doing. This even happens when I speak- I forget what I am saying… oooh shiny!


• I like to work problems out on my own. No matter how long it takes.


• I like to make decisions quickly. I hate having to puss around at fifty different stores with my husband when I know exactly what I want and just want to get the buying part over with.


• I don't know how to relax and do nothing. I feel like I always have to have fifty things going to be complete.


• I can't answer a yes or no question with a yes or no. I always need more information. I frequently answer simple questions with other questions like: Is the wind blowing south? Am I dressed for the occasion? Have I seen five red cars in a row?


• I don't tell friends what I am thinking all of the time. This is because I am afraid of offending them. This works out the wrong way though when a friend makes their own mistake and I end up feeling responsible for not speaking my mind.


• I'm insecure.


• I put things off that seem difficult to me.


• I hate arguing so much that I often avoid it at all costs. That means apologizing when it isn't my fault, taking the short end of the stick, and other similar avoidance techniques.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but the part about five red cars in a row really had me giggling!

Thank you for sharing. I can relate so much to so many of the things you say. I think so many of these things are so common! (But that doesn't make them any less aggravating for you, right?) It's so crazy how we think about these things as flaws that only we (or maybe only our partners) have... when really they're totally common.

I wish I could learn to cut myself and my wife some slack. I'm always beating myself and her up for stuff that everyone does!

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

I don't tell friends what I am thinking all of the time. This is because I am afraid of offending them. This works out the wrong way though when a friend makes their own mistake and I end up feeling responsible for not speaking my mind.

wait, i don't get this. can you clarify? oh wait, NO DON'T. ;)

[livinginoctober.livejournal.com]

Also, I'm HUGE on the "I'll do it" thing...but when I'm forced into doing something, I drag myself on purpose. It's something I've done since I was a child. I've gotten into fights with my significant other regarding my getting back into therapy, constantly saying I'll call, I'll call, and not doing it. Which was probably infuriating and wrong of me. But then, out of the blue, I'll do whatever is asked of me, usually at the shock of people around me. I just have to do it on my time schedule, I think.

I think the key is approaching me in a non-confrontational way...or I have a tendency to get super defensive and hypersensitive.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

That's how I am when I'm trying to solve problems. I /hate/ when other (well-meaning) people try to fix my problems for me. When I tell people what I'm struggling with, it's usually because I want to rant, or I want to be comforted or validated. But I'm a smart, capable person who can fix my own stuff. When other people try to do that for me, I get very defensive and fatalistic.

I like to come to my peace and solutions in my own time.

[geniusorafool.livejournal.com]

I'm perfect.

;-P~ JK

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Of course you are. :)

Ahh, me

[soulcatcher73.livejournal.com]

I...

I am a martyr.

Seriously. I have a horrible martyr complex. Here is a very good example of what I mean. There was this one time that I asked Matt to deposit a check on his lunch at work. He passed a bank every day on his way to lunch at the time of this incident. But he insisted that he couldn't do it. So, of course, I said I would do it, even though I would have had to walk to the bank, since he had the car all day. And in my mind, I thought to myself... I hope it pours the whole way so he feels terrible about making me do it when he gets home. I will often take something upon myself to do hoping that someone realizes what a sacrifice I am making for them. And then, when I don't feel as though I get the proper gratitude, I can easily get resentful.
I think this is very probably my biggest problem. I've been trying very hard lately to make it not so much of a problem with some success, but damn, it's hard work!

I do not like to talk about what is bothering me directly. I'd rather internalize it and get over it myself without 'bothering someone else with my issues' (which is probably somehow related to this whole martyr complex).

Really, the martyr thing is the big one.

Re: Ahh, me

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah, I have to totally stop myself from doing that stuff, too. I've never really gotten to the point where I think things like "I hope it pours so I get soaked" or whatever, but I definitely try to go out of my way to martyr myself sometimes, especially when it comes to money.

Like, I will encourage Jen to spend her tax return to get some thing or other that she's eyeing, and then I'll put all of mine in savings and not get anything fun "because she wasn't able to save any of hers" or something like that.

[livinginfits.livejournal.com]

1. i'm an interrupter. this has been bothering the most, lately. i will ask a person a question, then in the middle of their reply, i'll interject another question or statement. sometimes, i think i do it because they're taking too long to answer and i become impatient... or i've gathered enough information from their partial answer. it's also possible that it's part of a dismissive power-trip kinda thing. there's also the fact that my mind runs really fast and if i don't spit something out mid-stream, i'm likely to forget it. anyway, i still think it's rude, whatever reason i'm doing it.

2. i think i've stopped listening. i know i used to listen. now, i don't really do it. it seems that all of the conversations in my life have turned into opportunities to reply. i certainly don't enjoy that, though. i find it very hard to talk to people at all. i don't even really want to talk to people. the whole thing seems pointless and rehearsed. i try to talk very little, anymore. without even topical conversation, all that is left is bitching.

3. i am a cliquish and a prick about it. i like my friends and i like my friend group. i'm more than willing to let people in, but one red mark and they're out. i make no bones about telling everyone every little thing that so-and-so does that is pissing me off (see above, bitching). i excuse my actions with the philosophy that they're welcome to do the same in regard to me. i figure that my being a dick will be the chief irritation they find with me.

---

i guess that's my big ones that are a little troubling. shhhhhh... don't tell anyone. i don't know that there will be a lot of common issues in this one, though. it really speaks more to personality type... and you've got a lot of those around you. we're all told that all the same things are wrong with our bodies. we're told there are a million different ways to be okay with your personality, though.

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

but one red mark and they're out.

is this why i haven't talked to you in so long?

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

That's terribly more than I'm prepared to deal with tonight, either to answer yours or to bare my own. So I'll answer the original instead.

My hypothalamus is totally wacked. If I could trade it in for one with a good thermostat and a decent metabolism, I'd do it in an instant.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, me too!

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

1. i talk too much. and i interrupt, because if i don't say what i'm thinking RIGHT NOW, i'll forget. and we all know what i have to say is more important than what anyone else has to say. ;) sometimes i'll talk so much i'll suddenly be overwhelmed with how sick i am of hearing myself yap. this happened yesterday.

2. i have a hard time just CHILLING. stop, relax, lay on the couch and veg out without thinking about anything else. i'm trying to get better about this, but i've struggled with it forever.

3. i hate confrontation so much that i generally avoid it at all costs. i sometimes wonder if i allow myself to get walked on because i'd rather just let things go. i like to think that i'm understanding and sympathetic and able to put myself in people's shoes and all that, but there's a point at which people learn that you won't fight back, i guess.

4. i'm sometimes not a very good friend. now, if you called me and needed something, i'm all over it. but, i'm horrible about recognizing occasions, sending cards, calling, writing, etc. unless someone else initiates something first.

5. i am VERY EASILY swayed. give me a halfway decent argument for just about anything, and i'll probably agree with you. of course, i could hear another, opposing argument 5 minutes later and agree with that, too. sure, i have things i feel pretty strongly about, and you're not going to change my mind on those. but if it's something i haven't quite settled on or don't know much about, forget it. but i think this goes along with the "hate confrontation" part of me. i HATE debating or arguing, and sometimes i just plain hate thinking. this is why i don't do politics. :)

6. i'm impatient. and i get grumpy and snippy and mad. i don't tolerate frustration well AT ALL. i yell at my kid when he fights his diaper change for the 54983 time that day.

i think that's enough for now. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I've definitely noticed the thing with confrontation, even on something as safe as your journal... where you've stated opinions and then retracted them or deleted posts or at least stated that you wish you never typed them out. That's a shame because I think you're a smart person with well-thought-out opinions a lot of the time! (I don't think you give yourself enough credit.)

Why do you think you have such a hard time chilling?

[changinglight.livejournal.com]

I'm definitely going to do this in my journal, too. Thank you so much for being so honest with us and with yourself. Your "flaws" strike me as simply being human. It's easy to go from zero to 100 in a matter of minutes about EVERYTHING...and there are definitely some therapeutic skills out there that are helpful. The Anxiety and Phobia workbook is helpful, so is DBT. I, too, long for a superpartnermindreader, not just in my relationship with Jess, but painfully, in all of my relationships. I'm working on clarifying this. And you know that just being aware of the patterns is the first step toward changing them. And your awarenesses are great!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know that at one point in my life I did own The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (for one of my social work classes) and I thought it was interesting but there wasn't a lot I felt I could use. Because while I admit to having some free-floating anxieties, there isn't a lot I can pinpoint as a cause (except clutter. clutter always makes me anxious.)... most of the time I'm just more easily overwhelmed than anxious or phobic. But it was a good book and has lots of great tips for counseling and stuff!

I admit I don't know a heck of a lot about DBT, though I have one friend who did it and glows with praise about it, and I have another friend who is starting it really soon (so I will probably learn more). Both of them are (I think) bipolar and also have diagnoses of borderline personality disorder.

But wouldn't it just be so much better if we all had superpartnermindreaders? :)

You do pick the hard ones, don't you?

[dianamarie.livejournal.com]

Reading over your list of the things you struggle with, I can identify with a lot of them, either currently or at some point in th epast. I guess that doesn't surprise me. ;) #2 and #6 are the big ones for me, the ones that keep hampering me in so many ways.

There are others I can list here. Need to think on them and get some work done first, though.

But there's an obvious one. Procrastination. PROCRASTINATION. Things need to be handled, and they end up being handled slow because I get caught up in something else. LJ, CDI, a movie... anything other than what I should be doing. I've been working on this. Obviously not too successfully if I'm still typing. Hahah. More later.

Re: You do pick the hard ones, don't you?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's funny, I know you're a procrastinator because you've mentioned it to me a bunch of times, but if I didn't know that I would /never/ peg you as a procrastinator. You're so driven and successful!

[cathboblet.livejournal.com]

I am convinced, on some sub-cellular level that I manage to ignore a lot, that I fail at life - that I am skating through, that someone will realize at some point that I'm pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, and numerous bad things will happen.

when I got the PhD last week, I kept waiting for the magic moment of elation, and it never came. I kept waiting for the next lunch or dinner or event to make me go 'eeee its over, I did this!' and I never reached that moment. And I realized on Sunday it's because I was waiting for the Phd to "fix" me - to affirm that I'm not a failure, that I'm not a whole host of things I think I am on a subconscious level - and of course it couldn't do that, because external stuff can't fix internal stuff, only mask it.

So - hmmm. My biggest flaw is my inability to believe in myself to any meaningful degree.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

This makes me kind of sad because I think you are totally amazing and successful and SO FAR from a failure. My goodness, you have a PhD, sure, but you've done so much more than that, too! You moved to another country and have been successful, made friends, been active in politics, had a lot of connections, and are now moving on to bigger and better things.

YOU ARE AMAZING!!

[estrange.livejournal.com]

We are so similar Jude!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

That's why we're so great together!

A bit of my list...

[sunshyne72.livejournal.com]

1. I'm selfish. I want my needs to be met at all costs. I do compromise a lot, but sometimes I don't give much. I'm definitely a receiver not a giver.

2. I am HORRIBLE with Money, I spend, spend, spend... see #1 above. :)

3. I am a late bill payer, see #1 & #2

4. I attempt to avoid conflict, if my hubby is upset or begins an argument, I crawl inside myself and don't say a word.

5. I try to be always right and am really stubborn.

6. Through much of the day, I feel like I'm living a false life. Like I don't really mean what I say or mean what I do. It's hard to express this one, but just that I don't feel I'm living truthfully. I satiate myself with the fact that things aren't soo bad. We have a bit of money, own our home, have no credit card debt, have food on our tables and really great friends, but somewhere in there, it doesn't feel like ENOUGH.

7. I'm incredibly lazy and consequently don't know how to clean. I don't want to live in squalor but I feel like I'm powerless to change it.

I guess that's about it. I'm sure I could go on for days..... I have so many flaws. :)

Re: A bit of my list...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think I could go on for days and days, too. It's SO easy for me to think of things I need to work on, and so hard for me to think of things I'm good at.

I'm really interested in your #6.

[damdyke.livejournal.com]

So...at the risk of sounding like a stalker (although I think you knew I friended you a while back...) I think you are so interesting. I really enjoy reading your entries and I just love this post. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the replies in part because everyone has been so honest and in part because I relate with so very many of these concepts. I wish I had time right now to respond myself, but I intend to do it later for sure. Damn this job...it *so* gets in the way of my personal life. Anyway, thanks for putting this out there.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I think you're interesting, too! I thought I added you back a million years ago, and I think I did but that somehow I ended up taking you off. (Probably when my life was all kinds of chaotic and I had NO free time.) So I put you back. YAY!

p.s. Thanks. I look forward to reading yours, too!

[eight.livejournal.com]

I really, really need to work on #3. I hate it when Lisa has plans and I don't and then I said something because we're into expressing ourselves and then eventually, I end up ruining her plans or at least dampering them and NOW, even when I want to really work on it and tell her to go have fun without me, she's preoccupied with things like, "But are you going to be okay with that?" -- and I have to get to the point where Lisa believes me that it's okay for me to not be okay with that and that I have to sit with my discomfort, not her.

I also have really poor social skills and say dumb things and then they just echo in my mind for months afterwards and I don't let myself off the hook. Sometimes it echoes for years ... it's aweful.

[eight.livejournal.com]

I also can't let it go when I make typo-s or spelling/grammatical errors. A-w-f-u-l.