Not again...

[judecorp]

Fucking Florida, I thought I was rid of you for good.

They're calling back and telling Jen that they want to offer her lots more money, enticing her with possibilities of paying relocation and extra money to cover private insurance for me (none of which I really believe; the company promises her the moon every time they catch wind that she's unhappy).

I don't want to live in the south and I don't want to not be married and I don't want to be far away from my grandparents and I don't want to be legally barred from adopting children and I don't want to be stared at all the time and I just plain don't want to be unhappy.

I think the universe is scoffing me. Not two days ago I was rejoicing our united resolve to get to Western Mass come hell or high water, making plans to start our own little hippie Happy Valley family by the end of the summer. It's like someone up there keeps reminding me, "Don't be optimistic, kid, because I'm just here to screw with you."

I can be a supportive spouse or I can be a good self-advocate. What a crappy choice to make.

Comments

[amyura.livejournal.com]

Um, does Jen want to not be married and legally barred from adopting children and have to deal with Bible belt bullshit? Money isn't everything after all....

*hugs* Good luck....

[siercia]

Dear, there's a happy medium in there. And J understands the downsides as well as you do, and I don't think she wants them any more than you do. It'll be hard for her to turn down the job, especially with the money worries that you share, but I think that she takes your family (meaning you and her, and future babies) seriously too. Tell her how you honestly feel, that you understand you're asking her to sacrifice for this, and trust that she will make a decision that makes you both happy.

And, at a bare minimum, if she's at all seriously thinking about the job, make sure she gets all of it, in writing, so they don't screw you over.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

So is this what Jen wants? You really need to sit down with her & talk this over.

[luloubelle.livejournal.com]

I would never move to Florida, I don't care how much money they offered me. It's not easy in the South when you're queer, trust me.

[kat-chan.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I should even comment or anything, because I feel so detatched from your home situation, being here in Ohio. But I can't help of thinking about your post regarding how you were treated when you were in Florida, and comparing it to how your family accepts your marriage and your spouse. And that leaves me feeling like pulling away from a situation where you're both loved and accepted for who you are, to go to a situation where it may be professionally advantageous for one of you (but potentially professionally catastrophic for the other), yet awful for your day-to-day lives outside of the workplace, is probably not in the best long-term interests of your family. And I'm hesitant to say this, because you're both intelligent and capable of seeing all of the pros and cons of the situation, so it's not like I'm really adding anything useful. But I still felt the need say something because I remember your post about how frustrated you were in Florida, and how miserable you felt being ignored, for all intents and purposes.

I know this isn't easy. The job is a big temptation for Jen, I'm sure. I hope that all will work out for the best. *fingers crossed8

[oxlahun.livejournal.com]

GRAR! Florida Evil! Fire baaaaad!

I, very politely and respectfully, call bullshit.

Florida's a big state, and it works like Ohio or New York or Pennsylvania or any other big state: there are good areas and bad areas, and the state government is going to tend to be conservative, because it's cranky old people who vote. Florida, you may have noticed, has a lot of cranky old people. It's also a vibrant, young state, with millions of cool people who would be supportive and friendly, especially in the Miami metroplex area. Yes, get the company's promises in writing. And if they pony up, then give the offer fair consideration.

I'm somewhat less queer than you ('cos, well, you're wicked queeah). I can't imagine what it's like to stare down the loss of what I consider to be basic civil rights. But by the same token, your piece of paper that says you're married, while a phenomenal accomplishment, is not what holds your relationship together.

You may remember I grew up in Florida. Some of my dearest friends, straight and gay (and everything inbetween), are there. I asked one who's in a committed same-sex relationship how he could stand it. He shrugged and said "fuck the law, I like it here."

Personally, I'm totally selfish and want you to move to the Happy Valley. But if a couple years in Florida will make your long-term goals easier, even if it means postponing them for those couple years, then you're welcome to all the support and love I can send.

[eight.livejournal.com]

Being a supportive spouse often means being a good self-advocate. Your happiness is in the equation too, and I know you know this with your many years of wisdom over me, that if you're not happy, your relationship probably will feel that pull also.

i watch csi miami

[quinniepants.livejournal.com]

my mom says flah-rida. and that's the only charming thing about florida. i love money probably more than most of your friends list, but the benefits of persuing the pioneer valley outweigh the increased income. i can do up a sweet budget for you if you want. and when you get close to buying a house, you better let me know so i can tell you about tax stuff and pass along some stuctural knowledge. actually, we need to talk about first time home ownership at length so email me when you can devote some energy to that biz-nass. and your cd is almost done, i just need to proof the playlist and find a freaking post office in this piece.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

No, of course she doesn't want that. But she also doesn't want to work in retail forever, and wants to be able to land a more lucrative career so I can stay home with baby children if possible.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, she knows how I feel... and for the most part she feels the same way, except it's so important for her to have a good job. She's just more optimistic about a Florida experience than I am. She tends to think that it could be a positive experience, and I'm much more dubious.

It's just so hard because I really want her to have a good job experience, you know?

(And I second the writing thing 100%. I don't even think we should be having discussions about this until there are offers in writing.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It seems like all we do is talk about it! :)

She doesn't want to live in Florida, but she wants the job. Dilemma.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah - reading yours and other people's journals kind of scares me sometimes. I know it wasn't Queertopia in Ohio, but we were in Columbus which is kind of the "San Francisco of the Midwest" or some crap like that - so my experience is incredibly skewed.

*hug*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know there are people in same-sex relationships in every state and country that don't allow legal marriage, and they get by... just as much as I know that our Massachusetts marriage doesn't exactly protect us from the evils of the Feds and the rest of the country. And if it were just the two of us forever and ever amen, I wouldn't care.

It's not about our commitment and our relationship, it's about kids.

I don't need that green-with-red-stamp slip of paper for anything to be anything between us. We've been "married" for several years and have only had the paper for about 7 months, so I'm in total agreement with you on that. It's the kids thing... being legally married makes it all SOOOO much easier in terms of co-parenting (legally), next-of-kin status, inheritance, health insurance, all of that.

Sure, you can approximate a lot of that stuff with legal hoohah, but if it's not the "real deal," it can all be up for debate in court. I have big fears about us bringing kids into the picture when all we have that says that, say, I get the kid if something terrible happens to her is a piece of legal paper that could be contested in court (possibly successfully) by one of her relatives or something.

Scary ass shit.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Of course, but the same is true for her, right?

I mean, if a significant source of her unhappiness is her perceived inability to have a good career and support us better, shouldn't that be a factor as well?

If only grownuphood wasn't full of all of these complications.

Re: i watch csi miami

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Okay, I have the following things to say:

1. The fact that you opened this whole discussion with "i watch csi miami" not only cracks me up, but also shows that you are one of the most hysterical, cool people I know.

2. My mom says flah-rida, too.

3. Budgeting isn't really a problem for us... we actually manage money very effectively (we just don't have much coming in) and have secured decent savings for the amount of money we make. Plus eventually my dad's house will sell and we will get half of that... so our house-buying situation looks pretty decent after that.

4. Did you buy a house in Portland? Heck, I thought you just randomly moved there. Which shows I'm not a very good friend. (Sorry.)

5. I would love info on tax stuff and all of that poop when the time comes, definitely.

6. I'm excited for the CD.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, Florida is a pretty big place and where the job would be is about 3.5 hours from Jen's parents' place, so I know that at least we wouldn't be running into that space where we make her mom uncomfortable all that often (though arguably more often than we do now, since we don't see them much now).

But yes, you raise many of the issues I have (not counting all of the worries I have about queer parenting in a queer-unfriendly state) and that's predominantly what makes me nervous. I really don't want to be in a situation where I'm miserable, because I know that would be disasterous for us... ugh. Being old is hard work!

[siercia]

I suspect that the reality is that it would not be as good as she hopes, nor as bad as you fear.

But her making more money, somewhere that it's less expensive to live could have significant positives, even as you face the possibility of worries around starting a family (and I do see the issues there, and they are scary), especially given how you worry about your expenses and money and budgeting. Add that to the happiness of having a "real" job with stable hours and less crappy work conditions, and I can see why Jenn feels the pull of it.

And yeah, I totally understand how much it sucks when what you want for yourself is in conflict with what you know will make your spouse happy. It's a miserable place to be in.

[calledmara.livejournal.com]

Florida has good thrift stores.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Really?