Researching fertility monitors is kind of surreal

[judecorp]

Days off aren't as fun when my Jennifer doesn't have the day off (which, truth be told, is most days off actually), although we got to spend part of the morning together since she is closing the store today. She headed down to the T but the station was closed (due to a gas leak at the station, I read), so she had to come back and I drove her up to one of the other stations.

This morning I researched different fertility monitors and prices and all of that. Exciting stuff! We've been having a bunch of talks about donors and the process and what we want to do. Ideally I'd love to have fresh sperm from a local donor (it has a longer 'lifespan' than frozen) but we don't really have a lot of donor options that way. Almost everyone we know is married and we wouldn't want to ask someone's spouse to be okay with that. But we were trying to think of local, single, male friends and are pretty sure none of those options would really want to go through all of that for us. So I suppose we'll have to start researching frozen options and talk to the fertility peeps and see what they recommend and all of that.

For the last year or so I've had a certain donor in mind, and though I've never asked him I've thought about it from time to time. But situations have changed and it wouldn't be feasible to use him (even if he would have been willing). Aah well. Tres complicated.

I wish we had more local, healthy male friends who wanted to offer up the goods!

p.s. Thanks for the dream, Dr. King.

Comments

[mightywombat.livejournal.com]

I'd do it. Might have to talk to my GF about it... but yeah, totally.

[anitsirk.livejournal.com]

my ex boyfriend/still best friend ben has talked about wanting to help out a couple by donating. he's tall, smart, cute, and politically right-on. he's also in a monogamous relationship with a woman who has NO interest in having more kids, so i don't think that would be an issue. do you want me to email and ask if he's still interested? he lives in the berkshires, but northampton's only an hour away.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I've used the Clearplan Easy Fertility Monitor since before Devin and it works really well - I like it. The test strips are kind of expensive but hey it's for a baby! Good luck finding a donor. Maybe anonymous would be the best way to go? I remember you telling me who you had in mind. Why won't he work any more? You should ask the place about staying on metformin for the entire pregnancy or at least 1st trimester as it decreases the chances of miscarriage in PCOS women but I'm sure I already told you that! It helps you conceive as well.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

It's the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor sorry - I said Clearplan above ^

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

I recommend my friend Dave. Physically fit, incredibly smart, he can handle tools, and it'd be a cute little half-chinese baby. :)

Of course, I have no idea what HE'D say about this, but I can always whack him on the head to help you out. :)

[photodork.livejournal.com]

seeing how i waste so much everyday,
id rather see it put to good use.

ill help ya out, im not that far away.

[(Anonymous)]

I'd like to put in a few thoughts here. You have probably thought about these, being in social services, and certainly LJ is a sort of constructed enviroment, even more serial than mushes, so true dialog has a different slant. Please correct anything thats wrong. Text sucks for tone too.

In the past I have been approached for this. It got me thinking. And some of the issues become almost rant like, so you'll forgive me if I bring baggage to the table for Donor and You. Or Partner. Dont know. I write my thoughts about it, to help. If you approach someone with these things, it might be best to cover it all, whomever Donor guy is/would be. I have a mix of reservations personally, and suspect others would too, and if you are gonna ask Donor guy, please think of these before doing so. Understand also I am sometimes a cold scientist, and this stuff is factual, legal, empirical; nothing is meant socially and shouldnt be taken as personal. Loves tough, and so's life. Its not for weenies.

We'll define "Donor Guy" and "Accceptor". Or "Host". Certainly not "mother". That makes less sense in your case. Is mother the egg bearer? The donor? And biologically it takes a male and female unless we're cloning, but in the states thats illegal so its two gametes. You can also make it three party, where the egg is not from the incubator woman. Don't know what you are talking about for you and your partner though. All have their caveats.

The main concern is that Donor guy gives up almost all rights, and takes on an emotional load. If Host wanted, she could sue Donor guy for r*pe, get child support money, insist on a ton of things. He then knows the Kid is out there, he doesnt know how Kid is raised. He has to sleep each night like that, not knowing. Some guys dont care; they literally stop thinking about a lay, the day after it happens, putting the woman at huge huge risk. Those guys are skumbags. I know you'd want better, but then you have a catch-22 to deal with. Happily, responsibility isnt genetic.

The worst thing is that really, for most people, Life Sucks. Even good lives suck. People treat each other horribly, and the earth can barely take us as it is, already. Having a kid into that is a huge proposition. Anybody who hasnt given this thought really shouldnt have a kid.

You all seem kind, thats the most important thing. Donor guy would at least want to know that things wont suck bad. I personally dont like the idea of kids unless I have no debt, my partner and I both work, and we both have twenty years of health in front of us. Money really does solve a number of issues. I dont know any men that would donate to a single parenthood. So, a team. Can the team provide? Do they have a history of doing so? Will the moms be able to do whats best in five, ten, twenty years? No one knows. Even the best of humanity can't know. Thats part of the load too.

Which way does the money flow? Couples need 20k for the first year, and maybe a half million in a lifetime? Dont know that either. Is there an agreement between parties? Who does that protect? And for the Kid's life, how is it to be raised by two women? Cant answer that, its a big unknown to almost all Donor Guys.

And in the event of a medical problem, who has the responsibility for a tissue donation? Yes, Donor guy. If any Kid organ fails, there are only two sources, and random gene segregation means you dont get to know whos the best match for the problem in question...and Mom cant choose.

I also thought about donating to a bank, since I want kids, but I couldnt do it. They pay 45 bucks a pop. Women get 7k. So, there are really tons of guys ready to toss off to anything anywhere. Those guys make me a little mad. It should be dialog, legal coverage, life planning, and organization. Insurance? Religion? Circumcision? Who knows. Asking someone who knows you involves them permanently, and on the surface seems most easy and direct, but has other considerations. Commercial stuff is expensive.

Am hoping luck for you all. Seriously.

[(Anonymous)]

And please flame me wherever I am wrong. Its sensitive enough, and I am both private and weak enough, that I probably won't chime in too much more. Between Guilt, Resonsibility, Love, Societal Biases, and Med Genetics, my brain explodes thinking about it. After a day of work is probably the worst time to offer anything to cared for freinds on a fantastically gravitas situation, but I cant help it.

[skreeky]

Ok, first off, pay no attention to people that suck.

Now, second of all, I'm sure you have much closer people to talk to, but if you do want a reference to a friend of mine (single, bi (or gay, not sure)) who is now pregnant with her second child from a sperm donor that while not entirely anonymous is mostly so (she used the same one for both kids, communicates via email), I can point you to her. Can't just point you to her LJ since she quite reasonably locked all posts about fertility timing whatnot and the earliest weeks of pregnancy. She has resources she likes such as online communities and is just generally a gutsy single mom babe.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You're cute, you're funny, you're smart... and you're far away! :(

I know that when it comes to a weekend on the town or whatever, hey, you're not far at all! But we're talking babies - when the time is now, the time is now. It just wouldn't be feasible for someone who isn't, say, in this crazy town with us to try to finagle that sort of scenario.

Like, would I call you in the morning and say, "Hey Ed, I ovulated today, can you get here by 5?" Yeah, that would probably be a big ole mess. Since you have a crazy thing called a job and a life. ;)

If we're dealing with someone who's not local, it'd have to be frozen. And if it'd have to be frozen, then me might as well go through a bank so the donor wouldn't have to go through all the testing and stuff. Although, I have to say, I'm honored that you'd produce the goods for us. (I wonder if the baby would come out with your cute goatee?)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well, we're hoping to actually try to get the show on the road here in Boston, which is a bit of a hike from the Berkshires. But hey, if we're still working on it when we get out west, I just might ring you up! :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that will be the one I'll invest in when it gets to be investing time. It seems the easiest to use and has lots and lots of people vouching for its reliability. So yeah.

As for the donor, he moved away and isn't local anymore. :( Sad sad.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Now, I am DYING laughing that you are nominating your friends. Even if Dave /is/ incredibly cute. And so are half-Asian babies. And of course "smart" and "physically fit" top my list. After "fertile." ;)

But I think it's hysterical that you're willing to pony him up. Just tell him, "Oh, you know her - you stepped on her foot while dancing at my wedding!" ;)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

But you're too far to show up here on a couple of hours' notice, sadly. DAMN THAT GEOGRAPHY! :(

Thanks for the offer, though.

Who is this?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'll probably answer your longer post later, but I have a hard time motivating myself to answer anonymous posters. Could you maybe tell me who you are, please? Thanks.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

At some point, I might take you up on that info. For now, it was a mostly tongue-in-cheek sperm request. HA - people are actually offering! I think that is awesome.

Not as awesome are random anonymous comments from the DC area. I hate anonymous comments. Identify yourselves, people!

It's so much easier with cats. ;)

[amyura.livejournal.com]

My husband has a track record of making beautiful babies :)

[mayna.livejournal.com]

ahhh heterosexuality… don't have to import our sperm to make babies. ;-)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well you do, you just don't have to import it as far. ;)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's true, you do have a beautiful baby!

But I doubt your hubby wants to be loaned out to us. ;)

[scirocco.livejournal.com]

HAH! I'd forgotten about that! Yeah, OK, he's not the best dancer, or wasn't before, anyway, but I promise he could be taught!

[eeka13.livejournal.com]

OH NO YOU DIINT!

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[mightywombat.livejournal.com]

Just thought I'd put that out there. I can get from NY to Boston by five if needs be. Ket me know if you change your mind. Though I'm sure there are astronauts and rocket scientists in the banks, and that they all have fewer congenitive predilections than I do... :-)

[hoo.livejournal.com]

http://www.estatevaults.com/bol/archives/002173.html

Tracking down sperm donors through DNA match has moved from science fiction to business plan. If the mother of the child wants to find the donor, they will be able to. In light of that, an anonymous donor becomes less of a guarantee and more of an informal understanding, one that may be changed when the child forms their own opinion.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I didn't know that - very interesting.

[amyura.livejournal.com]

ROFL

[gimmeapony.livejournal.com]

Jude, I appreciate your attempts at subtlety, but why don't you stop beating around the bush and just ask for some rockstar sperm, mmkay? We all know you want it.

[bluekniggit.livejournal.com]

Wow. Children are complicated. I never realized. :)

Of course, the prospective parent would also have to realize that it's extremely difficult to completely sign away parental responsibilities, even when you fully intend to. And I suppose it's doubly complicated when you're in a "legally ambiguous" situation, at least Federally.

That said, I had a good lady friend of mine that asked me if she could use me as a donor if she hadn't found a man she wanted to marry by the time she was "ready" to have children. I think I responded "yes", but to be honest the full brunt of that never occurred to me until your post today. Wow.

I hope you find your perfect man. (I mean, if all he has to do is be handsome *and* be able to ejaculate, you should be golden...)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

TELL ELIAS TO GIVE ME THE JUICE!!!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Hunh. Interesting.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's actually pretty easy to sign away parental rights... there are specific forms but notarized documents often also hold up on court. Sperm/egg donors sign all sorts of things giving up parental rights as well.

But yes, it /is/ complicated - if not legally, personally. I mean, donors are really amazing, really generous people. I don't know if random dudes who jack off for a sperm bank always acknowledge what they're doing, but it's pretty intense.

I hope we find a handsome ejaculator also! :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'd really love to chat more about this with you sometime... at your earliest convenience, of course.

Seriously.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I aim to please. :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*giggle* But how would HE feel about our little "arrangement"?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

:)

[mightywombat.livejournal.com]

I will make myself available on AIM, and also if you don't have my number you should make sure you do. *nod* I'm a little drunk right now...

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I don't think I have your number. Actually, I have to check. I always forget what numbers are on my new phone (since most of them disappeared with my old phone).