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Jun. 9th, 2006 03:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpWell, that's it. Our cycle has been officially cancelled by the doctor. My E2 was 64.7 today, down from 69.7. My 13mm follicle on the right and the 12mm follicles on the left have either shrunken or disappeared. We're supposed to be starting our 2ww (2 week wait) this weekend and instead we've got nothing.
I am so freaking disappointed in myself and in my body. It's not working. It's not working even WITH ovulation-induction medications. I feel so damaged, so broken, so much like a biological failure. Women get pregnant every single day, some on birth control, some with their tubes tied... and I can't even /ovulate/. With /drugs/.
I am so angry at my doctor's office for telling me everything would be fine when I expressed concern at the end of last cycle that I wasn't responding very well to the dose of Clomid I was on, and asked for more. I am so angry that they wouldn't up the dosage, even a little bit, even with the poor response. I feel like they set me up for failure and really, what do they care? They're not emotionally involved in our process.
I am so incredibly sad about the whole thing. I can't believe I am grieving the loss of a freaking /follicle/, but I am. We only get one shot a month, and if the doctor says no, then that's it. What if I ovulate next week? I probably won't, but hey. I have been so sad since I first got the 'heads up' on Wednesday that my cycle would probably be cancelled. I can hardly breathe. It's like, this is it. You don't understand. Things are /not/ going well around here for us. So much crap happens and it's all out of our control - raised rent, bed bug scare, damaged car, illness, dead dad stuff, BIL being a jackhole, and on and on - and we had this. This one thing. And it's probably stupid to put so much hope and so much energy into one thing but let me tell you, when there's so much other stuff that is just ridiculous you will look for a lifeline /anywhere/. This was mine. And now I'm still swimming in a sea of chaos and suckage, but without my one thing. I don't know what todo.
I am so scared that this is it for us, that I am more irrepairably damaged than they thought and am just setting myself up for countless additional disappointments. I'm terrified that if we /do/ decide to proceed onto injectible drugs or whatever else they decide to throw down, it won't work and we will be built up again only to have another devastating fall. I'm not saying we're looking for a guaranteed pregnancy (wouldn't that be nice?) but I'd like to know that I really /do/ have a chance. I know that Clomid is the weakest of the drugs, and that injectibles work for a lot of people, but I'm scared that they won't work for me if we decide to go for it.
Which means I pretty much feel hopeless right now. I have no confidence that anything will work. I went to an accupuncture consult and I think it could be really helpful, but it's /really/ expensive. Like $500/month or more expensive. And, hello, I only make $500/week. So that's a lot. I just think there is no hope for me. There is no hope for us to be parents. When we went to New Orleans we had so much HOPE. We were actually concerned about what would happen if we were due around the same time as we were going to adopt a friend's baby. We were concerned about TOO MANY BABIES. Now I feel like we'll never get pregnant, and the friend had a miscarriage, so we're pretty much doomed.
I am just so empty. I gave up my composure and my mental health for another month (Clomid messes with your moods, yo) for NOTHING. I spent days crying at the drop of a hat because it was going to provide us with a chance. And now there's no chance, just the crying. What's the freaking point?
And I am so confused. My monitor has been reading "High" since Sunday. I thought that was a good sign. I've been getting EWCM since Wednesday. I thought that was a good sign. My skin was breaking out like woah this week. I thought that was a good sign. My cervix is getting higher and softer. WTF? What happens now? If I'm not going to ovulate, then I'm not going to get my period. And my monitor is going to just want me to test every morning. And I don't know how to stop it; there's no way to tell it to just give up for a month without resetting it and losing my data. I don't know whether to temp or not. What's the point? Why keep going? It just seems like a futile business.
We don't see the doctor until June 26th. It was supposed to be right after our 3rd 2ww. It was supposed to be a "just in case" our third try didn't work, just to talk options. Now it's less about options and more about failure. I wish, most of the time, that I had never gone to this doctor who got my hopes up with his confidence. I almost prefer my former doctor who told me I would just never have kids, the one who told me I was probably in premature menopause or ovarian failure. At least then I couldn't get disappointed.
Jen's at work all night and I'm alone with my failure and my emptiness. Happy weekend to me.
I am so freaking disappointed in myself and in my body. It's not working. It's not working even WITH ovulation-induction medications. I feel so damaged, so broken, so much like a biological failure. Women get pregnant every single day, some on birth control, some with their tubes tied... and I can't even /ovulate/. With /drugs/.
I am so angry at my doctor's office for telling me everything would be fine when I expressed concern at the end of last cycle that I wasn't responding very well to the dose of Clomid I was on, and asked for more. I am so angry that they wouldn't up the dosage, even a little bit, even with the poor response. I feel like they set me up for failure and really, what do they care? They're not emotionally involved in our process.
I am so incredibly sad about the whole thing. I can't believe I am grieving the loss of a freaking /follicle/, but I am. We only get one shot a month, and if the doctor says no, then that's it. What if I ovulate next week? I probably won't, but hey. I have been so sad since I first got the 'heads up' on Wednesday that my cycle would probably be cancelled. I can hardly breathe. It's like, this is it. You don't understand. Things are /not/ going well around here for us. So much crap happens and it's all out of our control - raised rent, bed bug scare, damaged car, illness, dead dad stuff, BIL being a jackhole, and on and on - and we had this. This one thing. And it's probably stupid to put so much hope and so much energy into one thing but let me tell you, when there's so much other stuff that is just ridiculous you will look for a lifeline /anywhere/. This was mine. And now I'm still swimming in a sea of chaos and suckage, but without my one thing. I don't know what todo.
I am so scared that this is it for us, that I am more irrepairably damaged than they thought and am just setting myself up for countless additional disappointments. I'm terrified that if we /do/ decide to proceed onto injectible drugs or whatever else they decide to throw down, it won't work and we will be built up again only to have another devastating fall. I'm not saying we're looking for a guaranteed pregnancy (wouldn't that be nice?) but I'd like to know that I really /do/ have a chance. I know that Clomid is the weakest of the drugs, and that injectibles work for a lot of people, but I'm scared that they won't work for me if we decide to go for it.
Which means I pretty much feel hopeless right now. I have no confidence that anything will work. I went to an accupuncture consult and I think it could be really helpful, but it's /really/ expensive. Like $500/month or more expensive. And, hello, I only make $500/week. So that's a lot. I just think there is no hope for me. There is no hope for us to be parents. When we went to New Orleans we had so much HOPE. We were actually concerned about what would happen if we were due around the same time as we were going to adopt a friend's baby. We were concerned about TOO MANY BABIES. Now I feel like we'll never get pregnant, and the friend had a miscarriage, so we're pretty much doomed.
I am just so empty. I gave up my composure and my mental health for another month (Clomid messes with your moods, yo) for NOTHING. I spent days crying at the drop of a hat because it was going to provide us with a chance. And now there's no chance, just the crying. What's the freaking point?
And I am so confused. My monitor has been reading "High" since Sunday. I thought that was a good sign. I've been getting EWCM since Wednesday. I thought that was a good sign. My skin was breaking out like woah this week. I thought that was a good sign. My cervix is getting higher and softer. WTF? What happens now? If I'm not going to ovulate, then I'm not going to get my period. And my monitor is going to just want me to test every morning. And I don't know how to stop it; there's no way to tell it to just give up for a month without resetting it and losing my data. I don't know whether to temp or not. What's the point? Why keep going? It just seems like a futile business.
We don't see the doctor until June 26th. It was supposed to be right after our 3rd 2ww. It was supposed to be a "just in case" our third try didn't work, just to talk options. Now it's less about options and more about failure. I wish, most of the time, that I had never gone to this doctor who got my hopes up with his confidence. I almost prefer my former doctor who told me I would just never have kids, the one who told me I was probably in premature menopause or ovarian failure. At least then I couldn't get disappointed.
Jen's at work all night and I'm alone with my failure and my emptiness. Happy weekend to me.
