Not so excited.

[judecorp]

I was so excited but now I'm so not. I think this cycle is going to be another promising-looking bust. My temp went down this morning and I know it could pop back up at any time but I'm just gearing myself up for the beginning of the end. Sometimes Follistim shortens your luteal phase also, so I wouldn't be surprised if I got my period early too, just to spite myself. Maybe my temp will be back up tomorrow and I will be excited again. Who knows?

One thing that's kind of bumming me out is that if Jen is excited or interested, she's really not showing it. Everyone and their mother knows that I was totally jazzed about my chart the last couple of days and she doesn't really mention it. It wouldn't bother me so much, I don't think, if a bazillion people all over the internet weren't really vocal about their hope and optimism for me. I try not to compare, but sometimes it sets in: Why are they all into my TTC ups and downs and my coparent doesn't seem to be?

This is probably all PMS talking. I guess I will find out in a couple of days.

Comments

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

I'm still holding out hope for you. I didn't even bother temping when on injects. They totally screw with your BBT.
Sorry that you are feeling bummed. :( I am so HOPEFUL!!!

[estrange.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry - TTC is so hard and stressful. It's like a roller coaster. At least if it didn't work this cycle you know that things are looking up at least.

Ryan was totally uninvolved with my TTC stuff it was frustrating. He didn't act interested either. i'd try to talk about it with him & it was like talking to a wall. I guess it's just some people react differently.

[whirledpeas.livejournal.com]

I guess the only thing I have to offer is that maybe Jennifer is more responding to the fact that it MIGHT not happen and worried about getting overly excited? Maybe her way of dealing with that stress is to not focus on it at all? Or not do or say anything that would get you even MORE excited...

....with only the thought that it could NOT work?

You put a lot out there in terms of how you're feeling, how excited you are, how you hopehopehopehophope...and I think that's wonderful. But who spends the hours that you're more and more bummed because it didn't take...probably trying to find a way or a reason or SOMETHNG that she can do to make it feel better? Not the people who read your journal...Jennifer.

I'm not like Jennifer, and I don't particularly know exactly the way that she's feeling. But if you were my #1 and I had the type of personality where I felt like I had to make things better, more hopeful, more positive... And then to manage your hopes and dreams getting higher and higher... And manage then the even more excitement added when a good hundred of your friends know about the intricacies....well I guess I probably wouldn't want to do anything to make your hopes even higher, thus making the POSSIBILITY of a fall..even more horrible.

I'm not saything that makes sense. I'm not saying that's the way she feels either. I don't know - it sortof sounds here like you're blaming Jen for not being excited and managing everything the way you are. Certainly, you could probably use some more support...and maybe she could too. I really don't know anhything...but I'm just I'm trying to offer a bit of perspective.

Blarg. I'm sorry this is so hard...I hope it happens soon for you.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

you know, while you were out in the car shooting up (how Dorchester!), Jen and I got to talking a little about it, and I did, at one point, ask her directly if she was excited about the idea of a kidlet. She looked at me for a second and then I saw a wee bit of spark in her eyes through that reserve of hers, and she told me she was very excited about it.

Jen (who I like a LOT) has always been a reticent sort of person (which in many ways makes her even more interesting - by god, if you make her laugh out loud instead of just chuckle or smile that shy grin if hers, you've said something *funny* by god! :-) ). But she's *solid*, and part of that solidity is going to be that she wants to stay grounded so that she's there for the parts of this that aren't so swoopy and exciting.

It's frustrating, as I'm also a heights of ecstasy/pits of despair type, and sometimes I want someone to fly with me. But it's also valuable when you hit the depths to have someone who can always reach down to you to pull you back up.

[mayna.livejournal.com]

Bill wasn't into the whole TTC thing (the temping, etc)... the only thing he was interested in was the Baby Dancing, and the pregnancy when it happened... it's just hard to be involved as much when you're not the one getting poked and prodded I guess.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I guess that's just where we're different. Because when she was the one that was going to try to carry, I was all ready to start checking her cervix and plotting her temps! Of course I am also a big science/math nerd and that helps, but it would have been helpful for ME as the non-bio parent to be as involved as I could.

I know that this is of course what I would do and not everyone is me. And I know she does things in her own way. I know that she wants to have a baby. I do. I just wish she wasn't always so distracted and out of focus.

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

Crap :-(

Don't give up hope. I have tea and crumpets here (hoping to distract AF).

I keep thinking about you, hoping that this is THE month.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know she wants to have a baby. I have no doubt about that at all.

I just know that she likes to get wrapped up in herself and in the minutiae of her day to day. And sometimes, and this is me being honest, it is incredibly frustrating. It's frustrating when something big happens and the one you love is too distracted by what's on the internet or what happened at work that day to ask about that big thing. And it's compounded by the fact that I can't "check out" of this process at all, not for a second, because I have to do all of the crap. And I own that - I chose it. But I guess part of the problem is that I /don't/ always feel like I have that rock or that stability there, because she won't even mention what we're doing for days at a time. And when I have to think about it several times a day, whether it's waking up to take my temperature or remembering to take many different drugs at different times of the day, it's hard.

(Also, I was shooting up in Quincy, dude.)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I haven't noticed anything really screw with my BBT at all except that my earlier temps were higher when I was actually doing the injections. They've actually been pretty typical for me... and around 11dpo is when I usually start the slow dive.

I am still holding out hope, just not as much as before.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I guess so. It's always hard to not be in a situation and think "this is what I would do" and I try not to, but I'm not always successful.

I read online about other women who are, like, checking their partners' cervixes and stuff and can think, "Yeah, that would be me." That would be kind of cool, like we were really making a baby together. It's hard because at least with Ryan, you had sex together and made the baby together... so in some ways maybe he felt like he could duck out of the pre-process somewhat.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Of course I can't even speculate on what she is thinking or feeling - doubly so because we don't really talk about this stuff with any regularity which is quite frustrating for me as someone who likes to say what's on my mind kind of immediately.

I don't really need her to be jumping up and down asking "Do you think you're pregnant NOW???!?!?!!" every 25 minutes (that would get tedious) but I would be a liar if I said that it didn't bother me that I seem to bring up most of the TTC talk in the house (as in "this is what the doctor said today," or "do you want to know how the ultrasound went?" type of thing).

I don't mean to give the impression that I'm blaming her for not being excited. She is excited in her own way, I'm sure, and to her own degree. And there's no /blame/ anywhere in what I say. I'm not saying there's any /fault/ in the situation... just that my feelings get hurt when all of these major day- and life-altering things are happening to me throughout the day every day and yet they can not even come up.

I guess it all started when we first first FIRST got started and one of my coworkers shut her office door and practically shrieked, "Oh my god, I am so excited that you are taking prenatal vitamins!" It's true that I am a more "in your face" person and therefore I tend to gravitate toward those people... but the simple truth is that I /do/ get hurt when other people seem more interested in things (not excited, but interested) than my wife.

I'm not even saying that she's not interested. She very well might be intensely interested. But it's sad that I don't really know.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

If I get a negative beta on Sunday, maybe I can go ride a bunch of rollercoasters or something on Monday. ;) Wanna come?

[estrange.livejournal.com]

That makes sense - I see what you are saying.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you do because I don't. ;) I really don't even know what I want - I just know when my feelings are hurt.

[snack.livejournal.com]

i hear you.

really really hear you.

*hugs*

[tea-soaked.livejournal.com]

Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there...

I know Abby gets quiet around this time - and she told me it is because she doesn't want a BFN and she doesn't want a BFN for me and she is scared it might not happen and so she gets quiet. The intention is good but...

What do you need from her? Get clear on that. And then ask for it. She might not *know* how to be... you know?

:)

I don't know - what do you think?

[aminahfiddler.livejournal.com]

I'm already in line and have ridden it a couple of times. But, there isn't room in the line for you. I want you to be in the "I can't because I'm growing a baby" visitor's lookout taking pictures and shouting words of encouragement.

[violane.livejournal.com]

Maybe Jen is trying to keep her own hopes from getting up, or she doesn't want to see you disappointed. Michael would always be really excited and interested when I was hopeful, but then it would seem to hurt more when the cycle wouldn't work out ... I'd feel like I was responsible for his disappointment. So I stopped telling him when stuff seemed "different." Maybe she is hoping to spare both of you from getting your hopes up too, too much! (although I personally found that hard to avoid sometimes!)

Anyway, I am still very hopeful for you! I never charted while I was getting treatments so I don't know how my temps would have been affected. But I still have a great feeling about this cycle for you!

Can't wait to hear how it turns out!!

Thank you, Boy, you saved my beans.

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

If you were my wife and you were trying to grow my Frankenbaby I would so not be into looking at your Cervix. Ever. And I might, at first be into making graphs and plots and things, but when it started being mathy and stopped being artsy I'd lose interest right quick. But I would still be excited about the Frankenbaby. If I liked babies... And this whole post has no meaning in regards to your situation... I think I need to eat real food and stop living off pumpkin bread and pumpkin cookies. I think I'm getting more allergic to walnuts and madness is setting in.

In any case, it's gonna happen for you one way or another. If not now, then another time.

Where's the Taboo buzzer when you need it?

Mwah.

[stapynam.livejournal.com]

i know you didn't necessarily want comments to your post this morning, but i wanted to say i am so sorry.

you absolutely WILL be a mother.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Dude, I so want to be there, too!

Also, I want to stop being sick!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I love you!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Jen is always telling me (not just about this, about other things) that she "goes away" when she is upset or scared or whatever because she doesn't want to "burden" me with her pain and make mine worse. It's just frustrating because I tell her over and over that the only thing that makes any pain I have worse is when she is not there with me or when I don't know what is going on with her. It just hurts so much when I'm really down about something and she is holed up in the office for a million hours because she "doesn't want to hurt me."

We talk about this quite a bit and I don't know what the answer is. I know that this is how she dealt with things in the past but not only is it not working for me, it's never really worked for her entirely either - so what can i do? You can't force someone to interact with you, and even if you tell someone what would be helpful you can't make them do it.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know that she, like Michael, feels like she has to in some way shield me from her upsetness so I don't think I caused it. And she's right - because I /do/ take responsibility (more than she can, anyway) for our BFNs because I'm involved. But what she's NOT right about is when she thinks that by not telling me she's upset, and instead just avoiding me, that I won't know. And I do. And then I feel responsible AND ignored.

I have decided that I'm not going to temp this cycle - partially to give me a break from worrying that I'm not waking up on time and partially to keep me from getting my hopes up every day. We'll see how that works. We have two tries left to go.

You found the find that I didn't find.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

To be fair, I don't know that I would be 100% interested in her examining my cervix, either. I was just pointing out how some other people choose to go through this journey together. I don't need her to be my cervical spelunker, not by a long shot, but it's true that I would like her to be more involved. Sometimes it feels like she's sort of a spectator when really I think she should be a participant. It's hard when I don't ever get even what she /thinks/ about things on any given day without me directly asking her, "What do you think about X?" I'd like some participation, people! It's no fun to do all this crap by myself when I'm not by myself!

I would really like to eat a lot of pumpkin bread and pumpkin cookies, please. So delicious. But walnuts are kind of disgusting.

You should come down around my birthday and bring Clue. I already have Airplane.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know that. I'm not really worried that I won't ever be a parent, because I will - one way or another. But I /really/ want it to work this way, and we are running out of chances so it's hard not to feel pressure and to just "relax."

[tea-soaked.livejournal.com]

You can just tell her how you feel when she goes away and what it might look like if she stayed. But that is about it - you are right. She really has to figure it out on her own. And you have to figure out what to do for yourself in the future. No one is wrong. It just is what it is.

Therapy helped us with similar stuff like this.

Re: You found the find that I didn't find.

[rizzo41.livejournal.com]

I actually really like walnuts, which is part of the reason it's so distressing that they are trying to kill me. Boo. I've got a whole bag of cookies and two loaves of bread left. Boo.

I understand what you are coming from, and I agree that you shouldn't have to do it alone. I'm sorry that's the way it's going for you.

I'm not sure if I can come down for your birthday. I'm out of money and still no one wants to hire me. I also don't own Clue. =( But if I find it for cheap once I'm making money I'll pick it up. =)

Re: You found the find that I didn't find.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You so don't have to pick up Clue for me. One of my coworkers has it and I can always just borrow it.

I hope you find a job soon. I would totally hire you but I couldn't really pay you in money. So I guess that won't work much. Drat.

DEATH BY WALNUTS!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we have talked about therapy a couple of times, but right now we have MAJOR scheduling issues since we work opposite shifts a lot of the time. And Jen sees someone on her own which we are giving some time to settle into. So far it seems promising.