I totally agree that it's offensive and belittling for someone to make a fake apology like that for something said publicly. Yes, either apologize or don't.
I do think that approach can be appropriate in a truly sincere (and personal) interaction. If someone says something to me that's sincere and that's based on them expressing their needs and feelings, and explains that they're really sorry I'm upset about what they've said, but that they feel they really needed to be genuine and express it, I'm going to appreciate the honesty (and that the person can share genuine feelings with me). But yeah, done flippantly, it's an obnoxious approach.
I once worked at a residential treatment program with a DBT-based milieu using the Boys Town social skills model. The kids were taught skills ranging from basic (greeting others, introducing oneself) up through pretty advanced ones (disagreeing appropriately, setting appropriate boundaries, giving criticism, accepting compliments).
The steps for "disagreeing appropriately" are something like acknowledging the person's position, apologizing that there's a disconnect/disagreement, stating your piece, offering some sort of steps toward a solution. When done more-or-less by this list, it's a HUGE improvement over most of these kids' tendencies to be flat-out argumentative and disruptive. Even if there's still some pretty obvious passive-aggressive stuff or narcissistic stuff going on, the interaction does at least look like an interaction you'd find among professionals in a workplace rather than thuggy children who are about to pounce on one another.
But yeah, I'd definitely see times that kids honestly thought they were doing it "right," but were clearly being flippant with it. I remember one teacher pointing out to a girl that a certain action was disrespectful of someone else and she might want to try doing X instead. The girl responded, repeatedly, to everything the teacher said with "I'm sorry you feel that way, but [really pathetic rationalization of her behaviors]..." So yeah, her little lip-service approach seemed actually quite a bit LESS respectful than just being flat-out argumentative.
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Date: 2006-09-17 09:57 pm (UTC)I totally agree that it's offensive and belittling for someone to make a fake apology like that for something said publicly. Yes, either apologize or don't.
I do think that approach can be appropriate in a truly sincere (and personal) interaction. If someone says something to me that's sincere and that's based on them expressing their needs and feelings, and explains that they're really sorry I'm upset about what they've said, but that they feel they really needed to be genuine and express it, I'm going to appreciate the honesty (and that the person can share genuine feelings with me). But yeah, done flippantly, it's an obnoxious approach.
I once worked at a residential treatment program with a DBT-based milieu using the Boys Town social skills model. The kids were taught skills ranging from basic (greeting others, introducing oneself) up through pretty advanced ones (disagreeing appropriately, setting appropriate boundaries, giving criticism, accepting compliments).
The steps for "disagreeing appropriately" are something like acknowledging the person's position, apologizing that there's a disconnect/disagreement, stating your piece, offering some sort of steps toward a solution. When done more-or-less by this list, it's a HUGE improvement over most of these kids' tendencies to be flat-out argumentative and disruptive. Even if there's still some pretty obvious passive-aggressive stuff or narcissistic stuff going on, the interaction does at least look like an interaction you'd find among professionals in a workplace rather than thuggy children who are about to pounce on one another.
But yeah, I'd definitely see times that kids honestly thought they were doing it "right," but were clearly being flippant with it. I remember one teacher pointing out to a girl that a certain action was disrespectful of someone else and she might want to try doing X instead. The girl responded, repeatedly, to everything the teacher said with "I'm sorry you feel that way, but [really pathetic rationalization of her behaviors]..." So yeah, her little lip-service approach seemed actually quite a bit LESS respectful than just being flat-out argumentative.