Three months of drugs and milk

[judecorp]

boobie baby
Originally uploaded by judecorp

Little punk is three months old today! Yesterday was my last ever pill of domperidone. It did its job as best as it could but I couldn't justify ordering more pills when we're still having to give her 22+ ounces of formula a day. I don't know if I will continue to make enough milk to keep her at the boob. She nursed this morning but I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring.

She nursed to sleep for her afternoon nap and I hope that's something that will continue. This whole breastfeeding journey has been incredibly painful but also incredibly sweet, and part of me wishes I had it in me to find a way to justify shelling out big bucks on more pills of minimal improvement. I know that mama milk is best for my little punk, and she is still getting at least one bottle of it per day... it's just not from her mama.

And that, I think, is the hardest part for me to take.

~//~

Jen got me some flowers yesterday to mark the occasion. It was very sweet but it is hard for me to look at them without feeling sad. I wish my body wasn't broken and I was able to feed my sweet baby girl.

Comments

[oppendonnell.livejournal.com]

Your body can't be too broken if it *made* that beautiful punk. Hugs to both of you.

[growinginwonder.livejournal.com]

I just love her little arched eyebrows. They're so defined and lovely. She really is a gorgeous little kid, and that's a lot coming from me, since you know how little I like kids :) Your little punk is the cutest one *Ever*

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I feel broken too.

[girlonthewire.livejournal.com]

you're a great mom. don't ever thing you aren't. you did your best. :)

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

i've still got a ton if you want it...i would have to go out of my way to find someone who needs it more, so say the word and it's yours...

[bafleyanne.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know it's sad--you really have tried your best though and you know that in your heart. You're a fantastic mom.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I decided it wasn't worth taking so much medicine to get so little milk. However, I have a mama friend here and it is helping her be able to EBF, so if you want to donate it to a very good cause (her daughter is 3 weeks older than mine), I could pass it on.

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

oh sure, of course! should i just send it to you?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Sure! She lives about 5 minutes away and I see her at least once a week. You are SO AWESOME, she will be so excited. She is quitting her job (can't bear to go back) and was stressing at buying more meds!

[marshmelococoa.livejournal.com]

She's just so gorgeous!

You've done a great job. You have tried so hard and given all that you can to make nursing work. Sometimes it just doesnt and plenty of other people would have just given up from the get go. You're strong, and so caring and giving and I think so highly of you for all of that.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do though I can understand. But you created a beautiful life, there is nothing broken about that. And there is so much more to being a mama than providing the milk. I know that's a big deal, it would have been hard for me otherwise too. But she'll be healthy and happy and LOVED!

I hug you!

[mayna.livejournal.com]

How hard would it be to ship you some frozen breastmilk? I have a bunch in the freezer that I don't really foresee using, but don't know if it's worthwhile to send it because of the cost to ship.

[mayna.livejournal.com]

Can I take some over for you to add to the shipment? I don't have a TON but I'm usually able to pump fresh for her, and she's not too keen on the bottle so she doesn't usually even drink that while I'm away.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You have domperidone?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

It's not hard, it's just expensive. It involves dry ice and overnight shipping.

I actually have someone here who's willing to pump for me, but we are putting a hiatus on breastmilk right now until we find someone who doesn't use dairy. I gave her a bunch of EBM yesterday and out of 6 bottles, 2 were EBM and she only threw up those two.

So, thanks, but it's seriously a PITA to ship frozen.

[mayna.livejournal.com]

Was she talking about domperidone? I thought she was talking about frozen breastmilk.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Nope, drugs.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the hug! :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I just keep wondering if I could/should have done MORE. I don't know what that "more" is, but I feel like I should have found it and done it.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hunny.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know I did a lot, and I know I worked pretty hard, but I think I will always have this "Could I have done MORE?" thing going on. Because I'm a ridiculous overachiever and I'm not used to not being able to do something, even biologically.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Awwh, thanks! I think she's pretty cute, too! :)

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

But Ms. Emma is so big and beautiful and smart! I hope August develops as well as Emma has! I have fears that since everything else was a big fiasco, that she won't be developmentally on track, either. Which is fine, I mean, I know I would deal with it, but I am just starting to wonder if I'm just... flawed.