Never Take Parenting Advice From Strangers. (Even smart, well-intentioned ones.)

[judecorp]

I am so angry with myself right now and feel like the world's biggest piece of crap.

Because I trust them and their wealth of knowledge, I somehow managed to let the IVP convince me that I was wrong about Punk and her needs, and that she was doing her Mama-Only thing because she knew if she cried enough for Jen I would be a sucker and rescue her, and that I was (and this was the one I really took personally) perpetuating a dysfunctional situation for all of us by trying to meet her sleep needs on her terms instead of trying to put her on our terms. And last night and this morning I was basically the worst mama ever.

Jen started out trying to get Punk to bed without the swaddle last night at 7:30. I expected some difficulty because of the time change but between the two of us, and a lot of upset on the part of the Punk who was flailing her body around everywhere yet was exhausted, it took two hours to get her to sleep. And she woke up 30 minutes later. By some miracle, though, she went right back to sleep after I flipped her on her back and gave her a paci. And kept sleeping. I thought maybe they were on to something, and I went to bed. With Jen. In a real bed.

At 1am, Punk woke up and thus begun three solid hours of resettling and having her wake up every 15-30 minutes. I would wait for her to cry, then I would give her the paci and I would get back into the futon. And wait. Over and over. At 4am, I couldn't take it anymore and I asked Jen to take a turn, but when she did, she ended up with 30 minutes of Punk making the most hysterical cries I have ever heard, where she caused herself to cough and cough and cough. It was horrible, so at 4:30 I went back in and she quieted down, so I told Jen to get her a bottle.

She wouldn't even let Jen give her the bottle. Just my handing her off started the sobs again. So I gave her the bottle, sent Jen back to bed, and slept with her on the futon. I had to hold her down because she couldn't settle her body and she slept for two hours with 3 wake-ups. But at least she slept.

This morning I wanted to be consistent and did not swaddle her for her morning nap. After an hour of thrashing around the crib, lots of bonks on the head (and at least 3 bruises, sigh, great mama I am), and too much crying, I swaddled her up, held her for about 30 seconds, put her down in the crib and rubbed her chest for two minutes until she started drooping the eyelids. Then I left while she was still awake. She hasn't made a peep since.

I feel like such a crap mama because I /knew/ she was not ready to be unswaddled and I /knew/ we were doing the best thing for her and I let other people who have never even met her and did not understand her needs convince me otherwise. And because of that, my kid is sleep-deprived and has bruises all over her forehead.

I pretty much hate everything right now.

Comments

[on-reserve.livejournal.com]

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. There are very few absolutes in parenting and so many "parenting rules" are right for some kids and wrong for others. I feel like parenting's an art, not a science. You tried something, it didn't work, you're not going to force it to work ... you're doing an awesome job :)

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

Agreed. Way too hard on yourself. Worst mom ever? Not a chance. Do you neglect your child? Abuse her? No. You were trying to do good.

[checkingmypulse.livejournal.com]

I agree!

[wendywoowho.livejournal.com]

That's just gotta be hard for everyone involved.

:HUGS:

[kieron.livejournal.com]

I just want to reiterate what we spoke about on the phone (which is down again feh).

*We* made these decisions together. So we are equally responsible. You are not responsible for this alone and not in this alone....

I just want you to know this.


We did this, together.

[dustyskinandall.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry... It sucks to feel guilty and angry with yourself, and I totally understand why you'd feel that way.
The silver lining is that at least your good instincts are confirmed now and you are totally sure of your choice with Punk.

(btw, the first time I let B. play at his little table without me holding behind him - because of pressure his parents were getting about him not standing and walking yet- he fell and smacked his head REALLY hard. I felt like the worst nanny of all time...)

[yip95.livejournal.com]

I agree with everyone else. You are not the meanest mom ever. yes, you had a suckass night and probably won't try that again for a while, but mistakes happen. You can't be a parent and NOT make some sort of mistake. And I can't even honestly say that what you did qualifies as a mistake, really. You had to give it a try. And you didn't make her stay unswaddled, in the end. You're listening to her desires and giving her options.

I think Z was, um...10 months? when he finally unswaddled? I don't quite remember. But we spent a lot of time holding his arms down, for sure. We also get the screaming when we make an unwanted pass-off overnight. Sometimes he settles down after a couple of minutes, sometimes not. It's a case-by-case basis. So, really, you should lighten up on yourself. It *could have* worked. It *could have* been a good thing for everyone.

Just throw a buck in The Therapy Jar and get on with it. :)

[skatured.livejournal.com]

I agree with this comment -- you HAD to give it a try, I mean how would you know otherwise whether or not it would have worked? Trying something for the benefit of the whole family (even if it didn't work) should be commendable.

[kathrynt.livejournal.com]

worst mother ever HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Even amongst the very limited sample set of mothers who are participating in this conversation, I could go toe-to-toe with you for Worst Mother Ever and win three falls out of five at a minimum. You're tired, you're frustrated, you tried something else to see if it would work better, you really stuck with it to make sure the experiment was valid, and you gained valuable data.

[siercia]

Yes, what she said, pretty much to the word.

[shanneeluee.livejournal.com]

I think I might have missed something. I'm not sure what IVP is, so that has me a little confused...

That said, I often seek the opinion of other moms, ones who might be in my situation, and those who have never experienced parenting two children who are the same age. I take all advice with a grain of salt, because in the end I have to do what's right for my children and myself.

Trust your gut and your instinct. No one knows Gus better than you.
*hugs* (Hey, look at that...more advice!) ;-)

[auntiesiannan.livejournal.com]

*hug*

If I was there, I would swaddle YOU. Because you need some bundles.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Awwh, that would be nice. SiannanBundles!

You're not! (The world's biggest...)

[(Anonymous)]

So she still need swaddling. You know she does. Punk knows she does. And so what if she does? She'll be done with the swaddle on her own schedule.

My Kiddo needed pullups at night for much much longer than her friends. And we went with it. She's recently decided no more pullups at night, and we're all set.

I just *knew* she wouldn't wear pullups in her college dorm room. And Punk won't have to talk her roommates into swaddling her.

Now for assvice... give yourself a break. You love this kid. You're doing the best you possibly can. And you're a good person even when she has a tough night. Now go talk someone into hugging you!

Bree

[(Anonymous)]

Wow. I am so sorry that all 3 of you had such a hard night. Was I one encouraging you to not swaddle? If I did I'm very sorry.

That sounds like the one time we tried cio with Sassa. She screamed so very very hard and I felt like the worst mother ever. But we had to try, even if the only thing we got from it was that we could shove it in the face of everyone telling us to do it.

[oppendonnell.livejournal.com]

Oh you are so not the worst mama, as everyone has said. Really.
And I have been there, with respect to various things in my life, in terms of going with other folks' suggestions even though in my gut I thought I knew best. It is most painful when it involves your child, of course. But someone already said it about the dollar in the Therapy Jar and no real harm done. (and maybe you learned something about trusting yourself.)

[hetterrific.livejournal.com]

The world's worst mama wouldn't feel guilty afterward. I agree with some of the other commenters. You had to try it to know that it still wasn't time.

At C's 6 month visit I had a resident tell me that she *should* be sleeping through the night, and tough love was how we're going to get there. I tried it one night, just about died, and never did it again. Then one night, at 8 months, she miraculously slept through the night. I don't know if it's the later nap she's getting, or if it was just her time, but what ever the reason she does.

I am a firm believer that each baby will do their thing at their own time. Just like rolling over, sitting, standing, and walking. Yours may do one before mine and mine may do something before yours. That's just the way they grow and develop.

You don't need to "fix" things because other people tell you it needs to be fixed. If you and Jen have made these decisions together, you go with what you feel comfortable with as a family. If that means you all sleep in one bed, go for it. If not, then you need to do what you've decided is right for all three of you.

[theshapeshifter.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry all of you (especially Punk) had such a rough night. I've had a few instances of kicking myself for not following my own instincts as well. She'll give up the swaddle when she's good and ready.

[juju-bug.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had such a rough night :( But don't be too hard on yourself - because your intentions are obviously int he right place, you love your beautiful baby and she's a happy healthy girl! Things will eventually get better, and trying out new options isn't a bad thing - infact I think its healthy! So it didn't work out tonight - that's okay - you'll know when its time (and so will punk) :) You're a great mom! and I admire your amazing strength and dedication you have for your baby. She is so loved! *hugs*

[folkyboy.livejournal.com]

at least you are definitely putting Gus' needs ahead of your's. it's not like you were doing it because you wanted to do your own thing instead. you're just trying to regain normalcy in the home. you aren't a bad mother, sweetums. ¤hugs¤

[ladygreyy.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* I'm so sorry you're having such a hellish time with this. :(

[shellipsm.livejournal.com]

Oh hon, you're not the worst mom ever - you tried option b, and it didn't work.

We've all had the worst mom ever moments, and they feel awful.

But you're not!

{{{hugs}}}

I've got some parenting advice for ya... RIGHT HERE!

[crushinator.livejournal.com]

*gesticulates wildly towards crotch*

Re: I've got some parenting advice for ya... RIGHT HERE!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*DIES*

Oh Bartley, I never stopped loving you.

[sarahaubry.livejournal.com]

so she likes to be swaddled...so what? keep on keepin on, sister! parenting is trial and error, and you tried. those of us who have children understand. she is YOUR daughter. do what YOU want. I am sorry that it didn't work. (((hugs)))

ps-crushinator=funniest person ever.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

You are doing a great job, don't feel bad. You have to try things to see if they work and you did.

What is IVP?

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Internet Vagina Posse

It's a gang of women who bonded through the blogosphere around issues like infertility, donor sperm, stuff like that.

[colleenod.livejournal.com]

As others have said, you let members of the IVP convince you to give something a try. And you tried it. And you learned um... it didn't work.

How can we learn to be new moms, or learn what our very individual kids need, except through trial and error sometimes? I wish they came with manuals, but they don't. And I agree with everyone else... you're not the worst mama ever... you're not even a bad mama... just b/c you tried something and realized it wasn't what Punk needed after all and will not do it again.

You and J. are great, caring moms who are trying so hard to do right by Punk. That's worth a ton.

[(Anonymous)]

We still co-sleep with Jamesen because that is what is good for him and us. A lot of people have suggetsions and advice and tend frown upon our sleeping arrangement, but you know what? F'em! We do what we think is right for our family regardless of everyone else's opinion. I am sure the advice was well intended. Please don't be so hard on yourself. These little ones do not come with instructions so we all just wing it.

- Married Lesbian Mom