Body failings

[judecorp]

I don't talk about this too much because it's whiny and it's ugly, but every so often it rears its ugly head and I thought that perhaps if I wrote it out, it wouldn't bother me so much. I don't know.

I was putting the baby down for a nap and got to thinking, again, about all of this muscle tone business and how the PT suggested we see a neurologist. I really don't want Punk to see a neurologist because it's very likely the neurologist will want to do an MRI, and to do an MRI on an infant you have to sedate her. You know, because you can't just tell a baby, "Don't move." And I really don't want Punk to be sedated or put under. It scares me.

But there's also more. So she has an MRI and then what? Then does the neurologist start talking about cerebral palsy? Does it go beyond the world of doing some stretches and hoping for the best, of water therapy and infant massage? Does it become something bigger?

After a while it all just lumps together in my mind: the reflux, that weird mystery rash way back, the formula intolerance, the delays. It always comes back to the same place - my uterus. My uterus, which wasn't able to sustain both of our babies. My uterus, which generated a small placenta and thin umbilical cord for Punk. At the time, it was a casual mention, "Oh, you had a small placenta and a really thin cord." As if it was no big deal. But now I think, 'Did Punk get less oxygen or nutrients because of her small placenta or her thin cord?' Or I think, 'It took a minute to get her breathing and they talked about giving her some blow-by before she got it together. Is that when it happened? Is that what ruined her muscle tone?'

And then that's when I start thinking that maybe I /should/ think about an MRI. Because maybe the MRI would be normal and I could stop beating myself up and concentrate on stretching out my daughter's hips/legs/knees/ankles so that she can function normally in the big world. Or maybe it wouldn't be normal and I would spend my whole life wondering why my body would lose one child and break the other. Maybe I asked for all of this by overriding nature with ovulation inducers, you know? Maybe I just tempted fate a little too much.

It doesn't matter to me, personally, if my daughter has delays or has to work harder or whatever. But it DOES matter to me that I may have somehow caused this for her.

Comments

[tea-soaked.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I am really not good with words this morning, all I can offer is hugs hugs hugs.

[halleyscomet.livejournal.com]

*Hug*

I wish I had something clever and reassuring to say. I wish I could find some prose that could help you see that you're not at fault, that your body isn't defective and didn't cause these problems. I wish I could help you stop beating yourself up over things for which you had no control.

I wish, I wish, I wish...

Can you point me to research showing the fertility treatments you took cause the kinds of problems Punk's experiencing? What does the medical literature say about a "small" umbilical chord? Even if Punk's medical issues were the result of some issue with your uterus, you didn't have any way of knowing this could be the result. You couldn't predict it.

Regardless of how these issues came to be, the focus needs to be on treatment. Unless your doctors tell you otherwise, the only reason to look back is if you plan to have another child and only then so you can assess risk factors.

[sassywoman.livejournal.com]

One of the ugliest heads of infertility is that feeling that we are broken in some way. I don't have any medical knowledge to share but I do want you to know that I'm thinking about you. You and Jen are wonderful parents and you have done everything humanly possible to love and provide for Gus. *hugs*

[skatured.livejournal.com]

I agree with this comment completely.

((buys you a cup of virtual coffee and a blueberry scone))

[cappucinogrrl.livejournal.com]

I vote for you to stop putting insane amounts of pressure on yourself and your body. The umbilical cord and placenta? Beyond your control. And I'm sure if Punk does have to work harder or has delays, she'll a) prefer that to not existing, and she only exists because of your persistence in making that happen, and b) do just fine because you're such a great parent.

[anitsirk.livejournal.com]

As you know, as mothers, we do the best that we can. You're doing the best that you can, and your uterus did the best it could. I'm absolutely not going to tell you not to feel guilty, because guilt (like love) is pretty much an unstoppable emotion.

If you feel that you wake up every day worrying about this, then maybe it is time to see a neurologist. The other day a mama wrote that test results don't change who/how your child is, they just give you more information. I also understand that you are really nervous about the idea of anesthesia- it is scary. Perhaps you could talk to other mamas whose children have been anesthetized for similar procedures?

On of my friend's children has CP-like symptoms and she goes to a cranial-sacral therapist. Perhaps that's an avenue to pursue as well?

Love to you, mama.

[etherial.livejournal.com]

Yes, you caused this. You caused her to smile. You caused her to teeth. You caused her to crawl. You caused her to high kneel. You caused this and this and this and this amd this and you'll cause a lot more before you're done. You caused her to be born; you created life from nothing. And someday, she'll probably have children of her own, and it will still be all your doing.

[ntiva.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with this!

[checkingmypulse.livejournal.com]

Wow. Couldn't have said it better myself!

[sudrin.livejournal.com]

There is nothing wrong with your uterus. I would still see the neurologist though. Just remember, Doctors don't have the ultimate say, YOU do. But don't deny the little one at least a consultation based on your fears of what MIGHT happen. I appreciate completely what you are saying about an MRI. It was easily one of the more scary things *I* ever did. Granted, I'm a big guy who didn't fit in the torpedo tube very well, but I can see what you mean about the little one. Still, perhaps other test options exist that will be more satisfactory to you. But either way, no matter what malidy may or may not befall your child, the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can give her is your love of and care. Nothing else matters as much. Beating yourself up over it only makes it harder for you to do that. I'm sure my mother would very much have liked it for me to have known my father, but minus that she did everything she could to make me feel loved and cared for and my life is all the better for it. So you focus on that love, and not the potential for bad things that you think you caused because you are somehow deficient. Oh, and Sci-Fi. ;)

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Sending good thoughts and a couple extra prayers your way this morning. For what it's worth, I don't think it's your fault, and I think she's a beautiful little girl with lots of people who love her, most of all you and Jen.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

I wanted to add, reading again, that I'd feel the same way, honestly. Knowing something intellectually still doesn't always help our hearts from hurting.

Much love.

[tool-of-satan.livejournal.com]

If your body did do something (which is far from certain), it is in no way your fault. You don't control your body, not like that.

[on-reserve.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to pipe up and say it really bothers me when mothers blame themselves if their kids winds up anything other than 110% normal. You did your best, you know? From everything I've read, you're an amazing mom. Your kid is very lucky. We don't blame ourselves if we develop asthma or MS or cancer (well, I guess unless it's lung cancer). Stuff happens, every kid who gets born gets a "different set of cards" in terms of the ability spectrum (physical, intellectual, emotional, inter-personal, etc.). Punk might not be sitting on four aces but I'm betting it's a pretty decent hand.

You're awesome. You're an awesome parent. No matter the outcome of any medical tests.

[anaccidentofhope.wordpress.com (from livejournal.com)]

I love you and I wish I could say something to take these feelings of yours away.

I get it.

[(Anonymous)]

Well, everyone else has covered the "don't blame yourself" part very well. And I agree 100%.

I, unfortunately, understand exactly what you are feeling. I still cry at the thought that my body pushed L out into this world weeks before he was ready. My body failed my son so miserably that he ended up in the NICU for over a week. I know there is little I could have done to prevent it, but still. The thought is there. And it sucks. How about we stop being so hard on ourselves together? Hugs and smooches, as always.
Carrie-targetgirl

[oppendonnell.livejournal.com]

As others have said, it might be a good idea to get the MRI so you can have more knowledge and move on from there.

You have made Punk happy and beautiful and social. What may or may not have happened inside your body, unwittingly, is nothing next to the amazing intentional parenting you have done.

[shanneeluee.livejournal.com]

*hug* I know you'll do whatever is best because you're an awesome mom!

[thatpatti.livejournal.com]

i understand the guilt feelings - i really, really do. but you know what? if the choice was gus with her potential issues or no gus at all, which would you choose? i mean, if it *was* the fertility medication, would you do it over again differently?

i know it's hard to control our thoughts...especially these little ones that plant themselves like seeds and then just grow quietly, but there's nothing you can do now but figure out what may or may not be wrong and then just love her like crazy no matter what. i'm pretty sure you can handle that, yes? :)

<3

[colleenod.livejournal.com]

"It doesn't matter to me, personally, if my daughter has delays or has to work harder or whatever. But it DOES matter to me that I may have somehow caused this for her."

I so get that. Not to make this all about me, but you may remember that I took a Cat C asthma med during the whole first tri of my pregnancy. A med that has been known to cause cleft lips/palates in rats. I was absolutely beside myself that Flipper might have a cleft lip or palate... not because it was the end of the world at all if he did... but because if he did, it was probably because I CAUSED IT.

But the stupid thing, while I was beating myself up about this, is that I didn't do anything wrong. I'd gone to my PCP before I got pg and switched up all my drugs to "safe for pregnancy" ones. My PCP is the one who effed up and switched me to a Cat C instead of a Cat B drug.

But who did I beat up? That would be ME.

So, I can't tell you not to feel guilty or like your body failed you in some way, cuz I'm sure I would, too. It's good to get those feelings out there, I think, even if it doesn't change how you feel.

But Punk is a beautiful, wonderful child. And she came from you. So, as others have said, your body did good.

Hugs.

[yip95.livejournal.com]

It has nothing to do with your fertility drugs or anything like that. It's just the luck of the draw. If a doctor had said, "well, I can make you pregnant, but you're likely to produce a small placenta and thin cord that may or may not cause some high tone or other small difficulties"...what would you have done? It's not like you thought you were guaranteed a baby without disabilities or challenges. Would you ahve said "thanks, but no thanks. I don't like those odds."

You went for it, and you got GUS. The punkiest Punk ever.

Sure, i understand where the guilt feelings come from. But I am pretty well-acquainted with a certain cute person whose parents should (and don't) feel guilt about how she turned out (so far). So, unless you were hitting the crack pipe pretty hard while you were pregnant, you have nothing to blame yourself for regarding Gus or any other embryo/fetus that there ever was.

[loretta78.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what else I could say differently than the previous commenters have said. I know that I'd feel the same as you. I wonder if there are any circumstances where we wouldn't beat ourselves up about our bodies on this one... if we were doctors? But I bet even they have their moments of irrationality. I guess as strong as we are, we do have those irrational moments where we need to understand why something is happening, and when all else fails we turn to our bodies as the answer. As tough as things are in those moments when you're not as strong as other days, just remember that no matter what, you've got a great little one on your hands there.

[chrysanthemum.livejournal.com]

I've been reading (stalking?) your journal since you announced you were having twins on making_babies. When you lost baby b, my heart broke, but I didn't find the courage to comment. When Punk came along, I cheered, but didn't find the courage. When you made that post on Leap Day, I came so close to commenting but then I chickened out. And this comment isn't about that, so I'll move on.

I struggle with the sentiment of this post daily. I, too, had twins. Mine were born at just shy of 36 weeks - a girl and a boy. My son had one kidney and a host of other issues which landed him in the NICU after birth (although every specialist that saw him said each issue was no big deal and he would be okay). And then, he caught an infection from which he was unable to recover. After 9 days, he passed away. So, daily, I ask myself why I made a baby that had so many problems and why we went to that hospital to deliver just so he could catch an infection. And the list of all the things I wonder about and worry about and blame myself for can be nearly endless at times. So, although not the same exactly, I *know* what you are saying.

And I feel the need, now, to simply tell you that it was NOT your fault. That, even in spite of all the adversity you've faced since the moment you became mother to your babies, none of it was your fault. YOU did not cause this.

I just thought maybe you should hear it from a stranger. I'll go back to lurking now.. sorry if I seem like a crazy weirdo. I'm not. I promise!

[khaosworks.livejournal.com]

You brought a life into the world that, for the most part, denied you that choice for the longest time. That's an amazing, amazing thing. The universe does not punish you for that, let alone that life you brought in. It's not your fault. It's not her fault.

Bring her to the neurologist, see what they say. Take it one step at a time. I try never to put off medical examinations; if there's something the matter, I'd rather they find it early so there's a chance to fix it. Denial gets us nowhere.

[(Anonymous)]

It's not your fault. Tell yourself that until you believe it. It is hard but you did everything you could to have a healthy pregnancy. As for the MRI - it might be possible to find someone who will do it without sedating her. My son has had to have lots of renal scans and other tests. They wanted to sedate him for the first one at 7 weeks old. I refused. I called drs and techs and spoke to numerous people until they agreed we would not sedate him. They managed to get it done anyway. It wasn't pleasant either but safer. They did warn me if he wasn't still enough we might have to do it again. We have now done it 5 times and never with sedation. The best way is to do it when he is asleep but that can be tricky. I will tell you they do wrap him in a sheet and tape him to the bed. Anyway talk to the dr there might be other options