Freak Magnet

[judecorp]

I don't know why it happens to me. I attract freaky folks. No, not the fun kind of freak that is prone to going a little overboard at a Renaissance Faire, but one of those people who from the minute they first open their mouths screams, "I have issues!" It's that person who can relay story after story about how they were disrespected and abused, tales of being yelled at by strangers in public places, instances of being kicked out of restaurants, carnivals, grocery stores, and can list numerous doctors or healthcare professionals who have somehow assaulted or wronged them. The sort of person who can tell all of these stories and you just look back, befuddled, thinking, "How can all of these random, awful things happen to you that have never in a million years happened to me?"

(Now I am not saying, AT ALL, that people are never disrespected in public or abused by healthcare professionals. I'm just saying that I've met people who seem to have at least one story like this for every day of their lives.)

When I first moved to Maine to be with A., I had somehow come across this woman named Carmen. I didn't really know anyone else in the area so we spent some time together. I was always blown away by her life, by how many people were threatening her or messing with her or would turn around out of nowhere and say/do something terrible to her. I remember thinking, "You know, I go into some sort of store at least every couple of days and no one has EVER just turned around and said something horrible to me and tried to start a fight with me." After a while I couldn't take it anymore and was looking for ways to cut ties from her. I got my wish when I was babysitting her children (ages 5 and 7 or so) and at bedtime they were both hysterically screaming and crying because I wouldn't give them Benadryl because they weren't sick. Apparently Carmen gave them a nightly dose to help them sleep before she took her nightly sleeping pill herself.

I managed to avoid a lot of this in Columbus (yay!) and met a lot of nice people. (Maybe it's a rural thing?) I thought it was a thing of the past until someone from the Pioneer Valley started contacting me via LJ through a community and suggesting we get together. You know, I don't know a ton of people up in these parts yet, especially not pregnant folks (she is due the same day as me, actually) so I thought I would give it a shot.

Jen and I met her for warm beverages a bit over a month ago and she was very conversational and such, but I started getting weird vibes because she wanted to randomly bring up very negative things. And you know, negative things happen but I don't go talking about child abuse the first time I meet someone. So it was weird that she busted out with how she was pregnant 10 years ago and was "forced" to give her baby up for adoption, and about how she had a stalker, and a bunch of other really negative stuff. It would be like Jen and I were talking about how we didn't know much about being pregnant and she would say, "Yeah well I did it all before, I got pregnant and was forced to give my baby up and it was so horrible, and now I'm pregnant again and so I'm showing so much earlier and ..." and both of us would just stuff our faces with food. I mean, what do you say to that other than, "I'm sorry."?

So against my better judgment, I agreed to meet with her again this past Sunday. Jen had mentioned wanting to get some painting done and I thought it would be less distracting for her if I got out of the house for a while. So I met up with K for lunch after church. Within 30 minutes I was crying in a public place. I guess I have learned my lesson.

We sat down with our lunches and it was a matter of minutes before she brought up her stalker. Without my even inquiring, she mentioned that her stalker was her son's adoptive mother, how she is always stalking her on the internet, blah blah blah. This is NOT MY BUSINESS. Anyway, so she goes on and on about it and then says basically that the whole institution of adoption is evil.

So I tried to keep the conversation casual and mentioned that I agreed that there were a lot of flaws in the system, especially with the proliferation of private adoption agencies and high prices, but that I felt like the IDEA of adoption was a good thing and that the carry-out was flawed. And she went berzerk, going on about how adoption was terrible and about how they stole her baby and about how there are no women who don't want to parent their own children and about how rich people steal poor women's babies when they clearly want to parent them themselves.

1. How can ANYONE say that there is not a single woman out there who doesn't want to parent their child? I mean, I can think of SEVERAL women with NO desire to parent a child, several women who have terminated pregnancies for this very reason, and also some women who have willingly given their children up for adoption with at least mostly positive feelings. Gosh, I hate blanket statements.

2. But then, of course, we have the fact that Jen and I were supposed to adopt an acquaintance's child last year. We did not go through a private agency, we did not pay tens of thousands of dollars, and we did not try to force anyone to give us any babies. It was not even our idea - we were approached by someone in a conflicting position and basically offered a child. So I took MAJOR offense to K, and it more than brought up months and months of awfully sad feelings about how we did not, in fact, adopt a child last year... that unfortunately the mother miscarried but we were pretty sure she was going to change her mind and decide to parent her child herself anyway.

It was awful. Snot was everywhere, my face was bright red, and I went OFF on her. I went off on her for Jen and me, and for my aunt and uncle and anyone else who have adopted children out of foster care, and for myself and any other person WORKING in the foster care/adoption arena who are NOT baby snatchers and do NOT coersce people into giving up wanted children. I seriously just lost time for several minutes while I told her how offensive she was being with her blanket statements and how she cannot possibly understand the situations of everyone in the world just as I couldn't possibly understand her personal situation.

And then there was another 20 minutes about how she cried and cried and told all of the prospective adoptive parents that she didn't want to give her baby up and yet they still wanted her baby, and how the adoption agency worker told her awful things about how she was no good to parent her child, and I just sat there full of ire and even though I /know/ that poor and young women often hear things like this I just wanted to yell, "You could have walked out the door, you ridiculous, confrontational woman!"

Either way, I did neither of those things. I let her tell her story and I told her it was awful and I wiped away all of the snot on my face and I promised myself I would NEVER answer contact from her again. No e-mail, no phone calls, no nothing. It's safer that way.

And I guess I realized I still have a lot to work through in terms of the baby we didn't adopt in November, and how heartbroken I still am about all of that. Life lesson, I suppose.

Comments

[dustyskinandall.livejournal.com]

I used to have a few "perpetual victims" in my acquaintance and soon learned that it was VERY bad for my personal well-being to try to hang out with them.

That sounds like a really tough conversation for you to have had, but, as an adopted person who grew up with an incredible family, I want to thank you for "going off" on her.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes, "perpetual victims" is a very good phrase. I salute you.

I believe in adoption. I know it's effed but I believe in it anyway.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know, I thought it was weird that an adoptive parent would be internet-stalking a natural parent. But who am I to say?

I feel terrible for her situation if she has so much regret and stuff. I can't help it. It's the nice person in me. But I don't think it's in my best interest to have anything to do with her anymore. Hopefully she feels the same way and then there is no awkwardness.

We haven't really chatted in a while about the child we would have had, but we should. Then again, things just got the best of us with the house and the move and the bleeding and the lost twin and... gosh I wish we could sit down and just talk about ANYTHING.

[mermil.livejournal.com]

My father is a psychiatrist and he taught me to view mental illness with compassion-- some people are just wired differently. But he also taught me that when someone genuinely has The Crazy, you get right the hell out of there.

This woman has The Crazy. You may have some issues to work out but the very fact that this woman you don't know well seems to stir them up indicates that she's a lunatic. She doesn't understand the borders between her life and your life-- and when someone has that kind of fractured vision of the world, all you can do is be kind without getting involved. Sooner or later, her need for you to listen to her will become so intense that there's no way you can satisfy her-- and she will turn on you.

It's horrible, but you can sort of smell it in the air a person carries about them-- it's like the air around them is subtly electrified. This is an awful situation because my advice so goes against my belief that you need to be compassionate...but sometimes that compassion is wasted when the person on the receiving end has no way to understand it, or use it in a way that will ease their troubles. And those kind of people, my friend, have The Crazy.

[indigodove.livejournal.com]

Well said. After working in social work/community mental health and on a crisis hotline, I sometimes say the same thing to people.

Jude, I am sorry you had to go through this. All of it. *hug*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I normally do. I DO stay away from The Crazy! I just didn't know it was going to get this bad - it totally sneaked up on me!

[changinglight.livejournal.com]

The idea of "when someone has The Crazy you get right the hell out of there" is brilliant.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yes, you are absolutely right. And I am so glad that there has been no contact or whatever because I just plain don't want to deal with The Crazy. She keeps posting (this is awful, so not confidential) in our July 2007 community all about doing all of these classes and loving all of the people in them and how they are all her BFF and she can't wait to meet her son and on and on and on and I just want to cringe.

So now you know who has The Crazy.

[mermil.livejournal.com]

Oh man. she's in our cozy little baby community? Sigh. I'm sorry-- both for you and for her.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It's a little creepy.

[cider.livejournal.com]

Yep, do what's best for you. Cut that relationship right off. I've been involved with people who seem to attract drama like white on rice and they seriously tax the hell out of you.

Sorry she made you cry, by the way. Her situation is horribly sad, yet so was her insensitivity to you. Some people get so wrapped up in their own lives they fail to see how they're affecting others.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'd like to think that she at least feels a little bad for my being so upset. But I'm more inclined to think that she probably is just using me as another story of heartache to someone else. :)

[biophile6.livejournal.com]

welll....

DAMN.

*head shakes*

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's kind of how I felt.

[estrange.livejournal.com]

Wow I'm not even sure what to say. I'm sorry that happened to you. :/

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I'm not even sure what to say, either.
Thanks.

[jeney.livejournal.com]

I don't even know what to say to this. Adoption - it's so beautiful. Yes, there are flaws in the system, but like you said - the idea of it is wonderful. It is not flawed. I think it is one of the times we can see the heart of God the most clearly. How could she say those things?

I'm a freak magnet, too. Most times, it's just entertaining, but there are those times when it's immensely uncomfortable. I wonder what it is about us that attracts such attention.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I know, right? Like everything else, money and greed and stuff can get in the way but you can't fault the idea of adoption - true, genuine adoption.

Ugh.

I think we're just too nice.

[jeney.livejournal.com]

it's almost disgusting how nice we are.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

And nearly perfect as well. It's amazing, I think. :)

[changinglight.livejournal.com]

holy crappenstick!!!!!!!

1. I am so sorry that you had to go through this situation.
2. WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. I am so glad that you DID go off on her. Sometimes, people just need to hear that their thoughts and perceptions are SEVERELY fucked up.
4. I don't know why it happens to me. I attract freaky folks. No, not the fun kind of freak that is prone to going a little overboard at a Renaissance Faire, but one of those people who from the minute they first open their mouths screams, "I have issues!" It's that person who can relay story after story about how they were disrespected and abused, tales of being yelled at by strangers in public places, instances of being kicked out of restaurants, carnivals, grocery stores, and can list numerous doctors or healthcare professionals who have somehow assaulted or wronged them. The sort of person who can tell all of these stories and you just look back, befuddled, thinking, "How can all of these random, awful things happen to you that have never in a million years happened to me?"

I seem to attract these people as well. What is that ABOUT?! It's very, very trying...

In all respects, you rock my world. And oh, the difficulty of realizing that there is still more to work through in your life...it makes total sense, but know that im here if you'd like to talk

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I wonder if it's a social work thing? Like they can smell the compassion. I don't know, but I seem to really attract those people who want to tell me their whole life story on the public bus or whatever. YUCK.

Thanks for everything. I like you! If you're ever bored, come see our new place!

[changinglight.livejournal.com]

I am queen of the person on the bus with the terrible story. And I DO listen. because i think to myself, "maybe they have on one else to talk to."

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Well yeah. I listen most of the time too unless someone looks a little violent or creepy.

[changinglight.livejournal.com]

those would be the two major exceptions right there.

[keelamonster.livejournal.com]

Probably part of the reason you attract those broken people who are needy is that you are a compassionate and non-judgemental person. You trust people, you love them despite (and probably because) of their brokenness and you're willing to listen without holding up a hand and saying "uh, stop please."

It's what made you great at doing social work type stuff. It's what is going to make you a great mom. But it also attracts the broken people to you.

It's also what makes it hard for you to say "please stop" when they start displaying the crazy. And these are people who basically have the emotional development of a toddler: their lives take priority, their needs are immediate and constant and they just don't realie that the rest of the world has rights. They're probably also a little bit histrionic, where everything is the WORST possible thing that happened. People always picking fights, saying horrible things, etc, usually comes from someone provoking it. The one thing all of those people have in common? The crazy person who is constantly assailed by said store workers, etc.

Anyway, you're pregnant, and the best thing for your wee one is for you to be happy and comfortable in who and where you are. Crazy people? Cut them out. Especially if they're not close friends you already know and love and feel a connection with. You don't need to be taking care of other crazy people you just met.

Just like everything else, take care of you first.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Oh, totally. I have zero interest in ever maintaining a contact with her again. Just having her post on one of my LJ communities makes me kind of ewwww. So then I just don't read the posts (or try not to).

I wish it was easier for me to say no to people who want to just drain me. Maybe I will get better at it the more I stay out of social work. Heh.

[rachelmichellek.livejournal.com]

Oy. Im sorry you had to go through all that.

Yeah, there is a surprisingly large number of people who want to totally outlaw adoption. They have anti-adoptoin websites and all kind of stuff. It sounds like she was one of those whackos. (And you're right, totally, like, I'm sure thare are some instacnes of women being coerced but that doesn't mean all adoptoins are coerced).

when I read through agencies' literature and websites I defnitely notice that some of htem are expressing the attitude of "WE WILL GET YOU A BABY!" and others are definitely more, "We find Familes for Children, not Children for Families."

sorry for typos i can't see what i'm typing

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

I mean, I know there are people that are anti-adoption and I know that some of them have really valid reasons. (And some are whackjobs.) It's just weird that she just started busting out with all of this stuff at a lunch date with an acquaintance! Some people are so bizarre!

And yes, it's all about the agency. Some of those agencies are downright scary and you wonder if they're stealing kids at the grocery store or something.

[vorpalbla.livejournal.com]

If you haven't done so already, re-reading the Personality Disorders section of the DSM might help you make a little more sense of these people's behaviors.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha ha ha ha, TOTALLY. It's been so long since I've diagnosed someone.