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judecorpWhen Shani asked me to describe the party in brief words, I said this:
"I hurt someone much more than I wanted to, and I like someone much more than I should."
Unfortunately, the two are related.
This fall, I got back in touch with someone who was special to me in college. We were good friends who spent a good deal of Quality Time together. We share a birthday. We share friends. From autumn on, I've learned that we share other things, too ~ understanding, for one thing.
I left for the party completely overwhelmed by dizzy feelings of conflict: I had a fun and giddy crush on a girl I'd gone on a couple of dates with, and I was starting to become very emotionally attached to the girl I got back in touch with. Both girls were going to be at this party. Several times, I debated chickening out. However, the desire to be honest and upfront and honorable, coupled by desire to see my old friend after 5 years, demanded that I Face the Music.
I'm going to be very honest here, and reading this may hurt some people. It may anger some people. It may annoy some people. Some people may think I'm nuts. If you think you could be one of these people, you don't have to read this.
On Saturday night, The Girl and I had a painful talk on the beach. She was going to do the honorable thing, she said, and was going to walk away. "I want to fight for you," she said, "but will only do it if you want to be fought for." I wasn't sure. I was conflicted. I liked The Girl, but I also liked The Ninja. The Ninja was fun and carefree and incredibly cute. The Girl was my confidante and my close friend. I liked them both for completely different reasons, so it was complicated. I didn't want to choose one over the other. I decided the "right" thing to do was to choose neither. I decided to be alone. She said she was walking away. I told her I wouldn't make her stop.
She did, though. She said, "I'm fighting for you," and before I knew it, my chin was on her shoulder. I told her I still couldn't choose. She said it didn't matter. The waves crashed. I smelled the salt spray of the ocean, that which grounds me, and I still wasn't sure. Or I wasn't willing to let myself be sure.
I realized, in our room, that I was thinking about things I never thought I would think about again. I realized, in our room, that I wanted something from her that I've never wanted from anyone. Not only did I want to protect her and take care of her, I wanted /her/ to protect and take care of /me/. It was then that I realized that if I continued to be selfish and crush on The Ninja, I ran the risk of using her. Smooches and crushes are fun and giddy and wild. But I feel that The Ninja did not want to be protected or taken care of by me. Nor did I feel comfortable asking her to protect and take care of me in what I saw as a one-sided situation. (The 'taking care of' being one-sided, not the crushing.) I couldn't give and pour out my soul and my vulnerabilities to someone else to be The Strong One while I played the part of The One Being Saved. That is an imbalance of power that I've learned destroys relationships. A. and I had (still have) an imbalance of power and it is hellishly destructive.
I see The Girl as my equal. I run to her strong arms and wise words when I am distraught, and I offer options and kind words and wipe tears when situations dictate. I catch myself seeing the future with my old friend and it scares me. I know I can't think of those things right now, so I stop. But those little glimpses make me catch my breath. When I realized that I might, someday, look for more than crushes and smooches and fun, I hurt The Ninja terribly. I feel completely and utterly awful about that, and for that I am sorry. I am not, however, sorry for how I feel about The Girl. But know, Ninja, that I honestly believe I would hurt you more if I let things continue in the way they were progressing. The last thing I want is for you to have become something of a rebound or confusing nature. You don't deserve that.
I like someone too much. She made my heart beat so fast I couldn't stop it. She made me lose my breath. She let me wipe her tears. She held me and I fit. She said I was art. She said I was beautiful. She hand made me a present. It was very personally me. She looked at me and I melted. She tells me how she thinks I'm feeling/thinking about a situation, and she's usually right. She made me tremble. I found myself distracted watching the way she stood when she shot pool with my brother. I found myself chewing on my lower lip when she said sweet things. She kissed me through the New Years countdown. She held my hand under the dinner table. She gave me goosebumps. She understands my perspective so well that processing with her is automatic. She is amazing.
In 1996 I wanted to tell The Girl that I liked her. I wanted to tell her that while I enjoyed and treasured our friendship, I wanted more. I chickened out. I thought she would laugh at me on so many levels: as an "experimenting straight girl," a "trendy bisexual," an "unacceptable option," or simply that I was joking. I almost told her once, on the ride to Chappaqua. I was feeling very strong and mighty and confident in my crew uniform after practice. (Goth, I was buff then. Jeeze.) I put it off. She had a girlfriend, afterall, one that I liked and I didn't want to screw it up. She and her girlfriend and my boyfriend and I went out together. How the fuck could I explain it then?
In 2001, I told her that I liked her. She didn't laugh. She didn't tease. She was stunned to find out that I liked girls, and doubly stunned to find out that I liked her. She said she was fighting for me.
This isn't the right time for these feelings or these thoughts. I know this more than anyone. But as I told her tonight, this isn't the right time, but it might be the only time I have. I blew it five years ago and the risk was too great to potentially blow it again. I'm taking a cautious chance. We'll see what happens when everything that is chaotic and wrong and unsettled in my life has worked itself out. We'll see what happens when I'm not broken. But I had to tell her. And I had to show her.
And now I miss her.
"I hurt someone much more than I wanted to, and I like someone much more than I should."
Unfortunately, the two are related.
This fall, I got back in touch with someone who was special to me in college. We were good friends who spent a good deal of Quality Time together. We share a birthday. We share friends. From autumn on, I've learned that we share other things, too ~ understanding, for one thing.
I left for the party completely overwhelmed by dizzy feelings of conflict: I had a fun and giddy crush on a girl I'd gone on a couple of dates with, and I was starting to become very emotionally attached to the girl I got back in touch with. Both girls were going to be at this party. Several times, I debated chickening out. However, the desire to be honest and upfront and honorable, coupled by desire to see my old friend after 5 years, demanded that I Face the Music.
I'm going to be very honest here, and reading this may hurt some people. It may anger some people. It may annoy some people. Some people may think I'm nuts. If you think you could be one of these people, you don't have to read this.
On Saturday night, The Girl and I had a painful talk on the beach. She was going to do the honorable thing, she said, and was going to walk away. "I want to fight for you," she said, "but will only do it if you want to be fought for." I wasn't sure. I was conflicted. I liked The Girl, but I also liked The Ninja. The Ninja was fun and carefree and incredibly cute. The Girl was my confidante and my close friend. I liked them both for completely different reasons, so it was complicated. I didn't want to choose one over the other. I decided the "right" thing to do was to choose neither. I decided to be alone. She said she was walking away. I told her I wouldn't make her stop.
She did, though. She said, "I'm fighting for you," and before I knew it, my chin was on her shoulder. I told her I still couldn't choose. She said it didn't matter. The waves crashed. I smelled the salt spray of the ocean, that which grounds me, and I still wasn't sure. Or I wasn't willing to let myself be sure.
I realized, in our room, that I was thinking about things I never thought I would think about again. I realized, in our room, that I wanted something from her that I've never wanted from anyone. Not only did I want to protect her and take care of her, I wanted /her/ to protect and take care of /me/. It was then that I realized that if I continued to be selfish and crush on The Ninja, I ran the risk of using her. Smooches and crushes are fun and giddy and wild. But I feel that The Ninja did not want to be protected or taken care of by me. Nor did I feel comfortable asking her to protect and take care of me in what I saw as a one-sided situation. (The 'taking care of' being one-sided, not the crushing.) I couldn't give and pour out my soul and my vulnerabilities to someone else to be The Strong One while I played the part of The One Being Saved. That is an imbalance of power that I've learned destroys relationships. A. and I had (still have) an imbalance of power and it is hellishly destructive.
I see The Girl as my equal. I run to her strong arms and wise words when I am distraught, and I offer options and kind words and wipe tears when situations dictate. I catch myself seeing the future with my old friend and it scares me. I know I can't think of those things right now, so I stop. But those little glimpses make me catch my breath. When I realized that I might, someday, look for more than crushes and smooches and fun, I hurt The Ninja terribly. I feel completely and utterly awful about that, and for that I am sorry. I am not, however, sorry for how I feel about The Girl. But know, Ninja, that I honestly believe I would hurt you more if I let things continue in the way they were progressing. The last thing I want is for you to have become something of a rebound or confusing nature. You don't deserve that.
I like someone too much. She made my heart beat so fast I couldn't stop it. She made me lose my breath. She let me wipe her tears. She held me and I fit. She said I was art. She said I was beautiful. She hand made me a present. It was very personally me. She looked at me and I melted. She tells me how she thinks I'm feeling/thinking about a situation, and she's usually right. She made me tremble. I found myself distracted watching the way she stood when she shot pool with my brother. I found myself chewing on my lower lip when she said sweet things. She kissed me through the New Years countdown. She held my hand under the dinner table. She gave me goosebumps. She understands my perspective so well that processing with her is automatic. She is amazing.
In 1996 I wanted to tell The Girl that I liked her. I wanted to tell her that while I enjoyed and treasured our friendship, I wanted more. I chickened out. I thought she would laugh at me on so many levels: as an "experimenting straight girl," a "trendy bisexual," an "unacceptable option," or simply that I was joking. I almost told her once, on the ride to Chappaqua. I was feeling very strong and mighty and confident in my crew uniform after practice. (Goth, I was buff then. Jeeze.) I put it off. She had a girlfriend, afterall, one that I liked and I didn't want to screw it up. She and her girlfriend and my boyfriend and I went out together. How the fuck could I explain it then?
In 2001, I told her that I liked her. She didn't laugh. She didn't tease. She was stunned to find out that I liked girls, and doubly stunned to find out that I liked her. She said she was fighting for me.
This isn't the right time for these feelings or these thoughts. I know this more than anyone. But as I told her tonight, this isn't the right time, but it might be the only time I have. I blew it five years ago and the risk was too great to potentially blow it again. I'm taking a cautious chance. We'll see what happens when everything that is chaotic and wrong and unsettled in my life has worked itself out. We'll see what happens when I'm not broken. But I had to tell her. And I had to show her.
And now I miss her.
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Re: On presents, fighting, and waiting.
Date: 2002-01-03 09:45 am (UTC)I understood your difference, but I don't think the two are automatically ... oh my brain is fuzzy, the opposite of mutually exclusive. I mean that someone could say they want to fight for you and NOT have the patience to wait. Actually that's how I wound up with timmie anyway, he didn't take my no for an answer. (Which in this _one_ circumstance was the right thing to so, as my reasons for "no" were fairly flimsy tired-of-bad-relationships-so-avoiding-gettiing-burned). Hence my commentary about waiting :)
What I really think is that you shouldn't worry about it. It will or will not happen, when the time is right and you are ready for a relationship. I know that's easier said than done and I know that you already know this. But you know me, I like to point out the obvious :)
Re: On presents, fighting, and waiting.
Date: 2002-01-03 09:50 am (UTC)But yes, I am waiting. And me-ing. And sad that you haven't gotten my prezzie yet!!
Re: On presents (cuz that's what REALLY counts)
Date: 2002-01-03 10:11 am (UTC)Re: On presents (cuz that's what REALLY counts)
Date: 2002-01-03 10:13 am (UTC)You get me too much stuff. But I /do/ love it, of course. :)
I hope Amazon sends yours SOOOOOON.