Exhaustion.
Jan. 29th, 2002 10:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpI'm tired. So very tired. Whenever I am tired, my mind turns easily to the pensive ~ sleepiness makes my mind race in a manic way. Of course, since I am sitting at work, dead tired, with my head whirring (and listening to The Smiths), the contemplation turns toward the melancholy.
A. is fucking with me. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose or if it's just happening, but it's working. I don't understand how someone can say "I just want to be friends" (instead of umm... married) and then not do a single thing about it. Has he moved out? Has he called a lawyer or a document prep service or a mediator? Has he ever brought it up?
The other night at dinner (Cary and I went to see "Kung Pow" and I knew A. would want to see it), he told me that he'd ordered 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies - two for him (Thin Mints, eww!) and two for me (Tagalongs and Samoas - mmmm!). I, however, had ordered those same two boxes for myself from a coworker at Children's (and none for him). Why did he order me cookies? Why does he bring me Swedish Fish (arguably my favorite movie food) every time he goes to the grocery store?
I've already talked at length to The GirlTM about this, but his reluctance to move forward with this stuff is fucking with me because it contrasts with my honor. I am more than willing (and excited, even!) to move forward with my life without him, but I was not willing to break my commitment to our relationship. He had to be the one to initiate these things.
So what does that mean now? I have already moved forward. What if, as The GirlTM casually mentioned, he is having second thoughts? (He hasn't mentioned anything like this, however.) My life has moved past him now, that's true. And I suppose I would have to break my promise if he should (Gods forbid!), because my life is now the way it needs to be and I can't lose that again. But my goodness, having to do that would shake the very core of who I am and what I stand for.
I suppose the smart thing to do would be to ask him what he wants and doesn't want. But it is so tedious to always have to begin dialogue and perpetuate dialogue with him. It is so very exhausting to have to start every conversation, to ask questions and demand information that, damn it all, I /deserve/! I deserve this information because it impacts my life, and it is horribly unfair for him to keep it to himself, regardless of his reasons.
Right now I want to pack up my crap and put my stuff in storage and crash at someone's house for the next 5 months - but that is hardly fair to anyone, and when would I find the time to do this when I can't even find time to read for school? Okay, now I'm just whining and I should likely stop. And stop listening to The Smiths, too. ("The devil will find work for idle hands to do...")
This needs to be /over/. This limbo-separation, live in the same apartment, what is going on thing has got to end before it runs me into the ground. I have a /life/ again and I'm not willing to give it up. I'm not willing to lose contact again. I'm not willing to deny the closeness. I'm not willing to go back into hiding. I'm not willing to let my parents think I really /did/ go through a phase. I'm not willing, damn it, to give her up.
She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes.
A. is fucking with me. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose or if it's just happening, but it's working. I don't understand how someone can say "I just want to be friends" (instead of umm... married) and then not do a single thing about it. Has he moved out? Has he called a lawyer or a document prep service or a mediator? Has he ever brought it up?
The other night at dinner (Cary and I went to see "Kung Pow" and I knew A. would want to see it), he told me that he'd ordered 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies - two for him (Thin Mints, eww!) and two for me (Tagalongs and Samoas - mmmm!). I, however, had ordered those same two boxes for myself from a coworker at Children's (and none for him). Why did he order me cookies? Why does he bring me Swedish Fish (arguably my favorite movie food) every time he goes to the grocery store?
I've already talked at length to The GirlTM about this, but his reluctance to move forward with this stuff is fucking with me because it contrasts with my honor. I am more than willing (and excited, even!) to move forward with my life without him, but I was not willing to break my commitment to our relationship. He had to be the one to initiate these things.
So what does that mean now? I have already moved forward. What if, as The GirlTM casually mentioned, he is having second thoughts? (He hasn't mentioned anything like this, however.) My life has moved past him now, that's true. And I suppose I would have to break my promise if he should (Gods forbid!), because my life is now the way it needs to be and I can't lose that again. But my goodness, having to do that would shake the very core of who I am and what I stand for.
I suppose the smart thing to do would be to ask him what he wants and doesn't want. But it is so tedious to always have to begin dialogue and perpetuate dialogue with him. It is so very exhausting to have to start every conversation, to ask questions and demand information that, damn it all, I /deserve/! I deserve this information because it impacts my life, and it is horribly unfair for him to keep it to himself, regardless of his reasons.
Right now I want to pack up my crap and put my stuff in storage and crash at someone's house for the next 5 months - but that is hardly fair to anyone, and when would I find the time to do this when I can't even find time to read for school? Okay, now I'm just whining and I should likely stop. And stop listening to The Smiths, too. ("The devil will find work for idle hands to do...")
This needs to be /over/. This limbo-separation, live in the same apartment, what is going on thing has got to end before it runs me into the ground. I have a /life/ again and I'm not willing to give it up. I'm not willing to lose contact again. I'm not willing to deny the closeness. I'm not willing to go back into hiding. I'm not willing to let my parents think I really /did/ go through a phase. I'm not willing, damn it, to give her up.
She changes everything She touches, and everything She touches changes.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-01-30 08:16 am (UTC)I know him saying that he wants a divorce and then not doing anything about it is bad, but why is it bad when he does little nice things for you? You know he's not a talker, so he's not going to tell you that he's sorry or feels guilty or anything like that. Maybe the Sweedish fish are a weekly apology. Maybe he knows how unhappy you are in the current situation and cookies are a small token towards trying to make things better because he doesn't know how else to do it.
Maybe I'm missing something or don't know enough of the situation. You don't like it if he does something mean, but you also don't like it if he does something nice?
It's about boundaries to me.
Date: 2002-01-30 03:00 pm (UTC)No, I don't want him to be mean. Sure, I like nice people. But right now is not the time where I can comfortably be buddies or whatever. Every once in a while, if he wants to do something nice, hey, that's cool with me. But to do things on a regular basis that are either a) a continuation of the way our life was or b) nicer than our life was is confusing. And disturbing.
This is a very difficult situation, and my best buffer is distance. Distance and boundaries. It's near impossible to live in this apartment because it's not moving forward. Continuing to receive gifts is not moving forward.
I'd like him to be nice to me, instead, by picking up after himself, by putting his dishes in the dishwasher, by giving me some time in the apartment to myself, by not walking into the bathroom without knocking when I am naked, by letting me watch television sometimes without him being in the living room, by having him initiate a conversation, by taking out the garbage. I'd like him to be a considerate roommate. Right now, I don't want him to be my friend. Maybe that makes me an asshole (and if it does, then I will live with that), but right now I can't be friends with him when I am trying to struggle through my insanely busy life /and/ plan his divorce at the same time.
So I need boundaries. And he is crossing them.