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judecorpI sleep better when you're here
My father asked me, on the phone this evening, if I still tell A. that I love him. This dialogue came about somewhere in the conversation wherein I said that I couldn't wait to be done school and be able to leave Ohio because there isn't anything keeping me here. I said no, of course. I can't remember the last time I did tell him that. July, I'm sure.
I'm wondering, still, an hour later, why I am still perpetually having this conversation. As if it isn't awkward enough to be living with my ex, I need to rehash this situation over and over and over with assorted family members. I'm sure it doesn't help that I /do/ live with the ex... I guess that gives them hope for some sort of reunion. But I mean, really, we had /just/ finished a little chat on how I couldn't wait to get the divorce stuff done. What is up with that? Ugh.
Apparently, my grandparents have decided that I'm mad at them because in the 1.5 hours I was home last weekend, I didn't stop by to visit them. Nevermind that we picked my dad up, went out to lunch, ran an errand with Dad, dropped him off, and had to leave. Nevermind that I didn't want to bring Jennifer into the Lion's Den that is Grandma's house. Nevermind that I will be home in March. Obviously I am "mad at them." Whatever. I wanted to scream, "You know, Rick was in Boston visiting Mindy for Valentine's Day and he didn't even tell anyone so he didn't have to come home!" That's not fair, though, so I didn't, although it's true. Which means he is once again attributed Golden Boy status. Why do I care?
In less than 2 weeks the day will pass that would have marked 6 years that A. and I were together. Six years. My goodness, but I haven't done /anything/ for 6 years. College was 4, and that was probably my biggest accomplishment. In some ways, it feels like 60 years, and in others, like no time at all.
How is it that these conversations with my family can make melancholia loom over me like this? I am fighting this one hardcore, though. I mean, if I stand outside of myself, I see that my family is just clueless. I tried. I told my father, "Actually, Dad, every single person I see tells me how good I look, how happy I look." He said, "I said you looked good!" I said, "No, you made fun of my hair." He said, "It's just a little... short."
But for probably the first time in my life, there isn't a single thing anyone in my family can say that can sway me. I am, arguably, totally happy with myself right now. (Unless you count end-of-the-program school angst, and Ohio angst, and not-divorced-yet angst.) I am completely and totally free at this very moment, looking like I want to look, dating who I want to date, studying what I'm passionate about, planning to move back to my home, and loving every minute of it.
I will not let 5 minutes of a chat with my father erase what I wrote just two days ago about the wonderment I lived through last weekend. I will not let yet another ignorant question about a "possible Jude and A. reconciliation" disempower me. No. I won't.
I am fanatically in love with a girl. I tell /her/ that I love her daily, several times daily, in fact. Just telling her makes my heart pound and race, makes my skin tingle, makes my fingers twitch to hold her. Sorry, Dad.
Oh, and remember in November, when you asked me if A. and I were still having sex? ..... *evil grin*
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You are free.
Date: 2002-02-27 10:19 pm (UTC)Thank you for telling *me* that you love me daily. Thank you for introducing me to your dad. Thank you for trusting me with everything and being the person I trust with everything.
You are powerful and you are strong and I love you with all that I am and I am here for you when you do and don't need me. As you are for me.
Thank you for coming to my side when I need you so many times in the past and so many times in the future.
Most of all...thank you for being the incredible person you are with me-that we can be ourselves with each other and still have this wonderful and achingly tender sweet thing between us.
Love.
M.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-28 07:08 am (UTC)I'm sorry they don't understand you. Mine still ask me periodically how Chris is, and I never know what to say...very happy with his girlfriend and they've been together for YEARS now, Granny?
Silly questions. But you know they love you, for real.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-28 11:21 am (UTC)I know that she will never understand me, and that she still loves me. I also know that "trying" to love me takes a lot of energy for her.
But that doesn't mean I have to like it. I want to be accepted, dammit! :)
no subject
Date: 2002-02-28 08:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-02-28 11:20 am (UTC)Or something.
Did you tell your Mom about ME?
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Date: 2002-02-28 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-02-28 11:35 am (UTC)"So mom, there's this girl..."
typical conversation....
Date: 2002-02-28 11:45 am (UTC)typical mom conversation (stolen from a movie or song or something... why do i know these things)
"Have you met any nice boys in the salon?"
"They are all pretty nice."
"I mean any nice queer boys. Do you fool with any of them?"
"You know I dig women."
"Ah, Don't tell me that."
"Christ lets not go through this again."
"All those beauticians and you don't have any boy dates."
"I don't want any boy dates."
"Oh honey I'd be so happy if you turned out gay."
"No way, I'm straight. I mean I like a lot of queers, but I don't dig their equipment, you know? I like women."
"But you could change. Queers are just better. I'd be so proud if you was a fag and had a nice beautician boyfriend. I'd never have to worry."
"There ain't nothing to worry about."
"I worry that you'll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding aniversaries. The world of heterosexual is a sick and boring life."
"Sometimes I think you're fucking crazy. I'm real happy just the way I am."
Re: typical conversation....
Date: 2002-02-28 12:00 pm (UTC)My family would be thrilled if I said I was dating another boy. They all breathed a communal sigh of relief when I got married, after all. Especially Grandma, who always told me, "You'll never get a husband!"
See, Grandma? I did!
Re: typical conversation....
Date: 2002-02-28 12:04 pm (UTC)Eventually my grandmother calls me. And she tells me how much she loves me and stuff... (sort of her way of saying 'hey i know your mother is sorta fucked up and i'll still love you if you have to break ties'...)... anyways she said the following thing:
Gma: Ryan. I'll always love you. Even if you dated a boy.
Ryan: I know, granny. I love you.
Gma: I'll even love you if you bring home a black person.
*phear*
Re: typical conversation....
Date: 2002-02-28 02:34 pm (UTC)At Hofstra (http://www.hofstra.edu) there was a bronze statue named 'Creating' that we called "Franklin." It was a man sitting under a tree with a clipboard. We used to always take pictures with Franklin.
There is one picture where I have my arms around Franklin and am licking his ear. When I was showing pictures from college to Dad and his (now ex-) wife, she gasped. "Who the hell is this black man you're kissing??!?"
Sheesh.
Re: typical conversation....
Date: 2002-03-01 12:17 pm (UTC)Re: typical conversation....
Date: 2002-03-02 06:56 am (UTC)Re: typical conversation....
"We can't tell the family this."
"Um, what? This isn't serious."
"They won't believe us. You told them you were dating a lesbian last year."
"Oh yah, I forgot. I told everyone I was dating a 400 pound smelly sweaty lesbian who never leaves the couch except to be with her fat lesbian lovers."
"Right. At the wedding. You told them that."
"Right. I guess I am the boy who cried wolf."
"Who would of guessed..."
Re: typical conversation....
Date: 2002-03-02 01:57 pm (UTC)Hee.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-28 01:35 pm (UTC)You rock so much.
And it is so wierd to see my name under current music. Heh.
no subject
Date: 2002-02-28 02:51 pm (UTC)(And I especially made sure to find your last name to put on my MP3 so it would come up on Winamp. I'm so proud of you and those songs!)
You're right about parents, though. Thing is, my dad's not usually the one I have the problems with, which is why this is all so frustrating. When I told my dad I was pagan on my 18th birthday, he was like, "Okay." When I told him when I was 19 that someday I might want to bring a girl home instead of a boy, he was like, "Okay." And to his credit, he is always totally cool and accepting of me, piercings etc. and all... he was a good punk rock dad, that's for sure.
I think he's more floored that there's a person out there, a person I devoted so much time and energy to, that doesn't want me.
I'm curious...
Date: 2002-02-28 06:55 pm (UTC)id you ever feel that way about Aaron?
Re: I'm curious...
Date: 2002-02-28 07:13 pm (UTC)I thought that I was very much in love with Aaron, and for a while, I'm sure that I was, to some extent. I know that I cared about him a great deal, and I would have moved the moon and stars for him if he had asked me to. I know that there was a time when I would talk about him non-stop. I know that I thought of him often, and wanted lots of his time (although I was clingy, and always wanted more, but in that 'I can't handle this' kind of way more than the sweet, wistful longing kind of way).
In the romanticism of my memory, I thought that for at least the first year plus, I was head-over-heels in love. I remember the work I put into the gift I made him for our first anniversary... a 100 page (or so) compilation of love poems and song lyrics. I remember smiling when I thought about him, when I would hear sweet songs. As a person, I was very much in love with him, yes.
However, physically, I never got the charge that I felt at New Years, the charge that I still feel now. I never have before, though, not just with Aaron. I didn't think feelings like that existed. I thought it was movie stuff.
I'd never lost my breath before from kissing someone. I'd never had my heart rate run away from me. I'd never had my legs continue to twitch for over 10 minutes. I'd never felt electricity when I touched someone, that pull to touch more, to have to have that person there.
Looking back, though, I wonder how in love with him I could have been, when after 5 or 6 months, I was telling him that in order to continue having a relationship, I needed to be able to have female lovers. Hindsight shows me that I was hoping he would break up with me, say I was unreasonable. Hindsight shows me old notes he wrote to me, apologetic notes, showing that I was unhappy about things in 1996 that I was unhappy about in 2001.
And, well, I never felt comfortable being naked with him or any of the other boys I dated and got naked with. But I have always felt comfortable being naked with the girls I got naked with.
Re: I'm curious...
Date: 2002-02-28 11:14 pm (UTC)I still do...
maybe someday that will change
Re: I'm curious...
Date: 2002-03-01 10:10 am (UTC)