judecorp | On liking boys vs. liking girls

[Note: A while back, I wrote a couple of journal entries about my last relationship and why it ended. It's been a long time, but it's time for another installation.]

I have been asked on more than one occasion by more than one person why I married a boy if I like girls. Well, the question (and its accompanying answer) is a little more complicated than that. While I was watching But I'm a Cheerleader last night, I was struck by how uncomfortable I get during sex scenes in mainstream movies (the sort of uncomfortable one would get when one's parent was watching along, I suppose, kind of), but not so during sex/love scenes involving two women (which I, instead, find captivating, exciting, comfortable). Perhaps this question deserves an answer.

Read on or not, the choice is yours.

When I was beginning my first year of college, I began the sort of self-exploration that late adolescents go through upon first leaving the home of origin. I was still dating the high school boyfriend (Don, who, since the 8th grade, had also been one of the best friends), though that was getting rocky as changes were being made. I had decided by then to abandon Catholicism in favor of Paganism. At about the same time, I remember having a conversation with Flea (another of the best friends); it was something along the lines of a confession that when Don was in Basic Training, I spent a lot of time on my friend Michelle's bed, cuddling with her. I remember asking him, "Do you think, you know, I /liked/ Michelle?" At the time I was doing it, though, I remember thinking that all straight girls must want to spoon their friends on their beds, because /I/ was a straight girl and I wanted to. (Oops.) Upon the Michelle realization (and the verbalizing of the enormous high school crush I'd had on Monique since 9th grade or so), I came out to myself as bisexual.

"I don't think I'll ever date girls, though," I told myself, "because I don't relate to them." This statement guided my dating life from that point on. It's not that I didn't /like/ girls - I mean, I had some female friends in high school - I just didn't understand them, didn't feel at home with them. Everything was a stretch, or a little forced, or weird. My first year of college, I met Jodie. Jodie ended up being the first girl that I have ever totally related to since Natalie in elementary school. Jodie and I became roommates, and she became the best friend. (You know, I think about all of the times I wanted to cuddle Jodie on her bed, too...)

But I thought that there was a dichotomy in me that would really screw with my dating life. By the time I was a junior in college (after being on the receiving end of a few girls' crushes and realizing I liked the idea), I had decided I was a cursed bisexual - I was much more physically attracted to women, but more emotionally attracted to men. I had a lot of female friends at Hofstra by this point, and I liked hanging out with them, but with the exception of Jodie, I didn't really relate to them. I always used to boggle at how she would seem to relate to Lia, Pam, Dom, Kelly, Melissa, etc.

I fell into a pattern of dating boys that I felt an emotional connection to, and would endure the physical aspect or avoid it all together. (I dated a lot of boys long distance, so I wouldn't see them much. I also entered long-term relationships where no sex happened.) In January of 1996, I made a New Year's Resolution to call a moratorium on dating boys until I could really say I couldn't relate to women emotionally. I decided that I just simply would not date boys for a while. If I met a woman to date, I would think about it, but as for boys, just friends. At this point, I told both of my parents that I liked girls, and my brother, who told me I didn't.

Less than three months later, I met A. (We had talked for a year or more online, but he and his roommate Jack convinced me to go visit.) He was cute, and I liked him, but I told him that I was only dating women. Of course, that didn't stop me from hooking up with him a little. ("Well, I'll kiss him, but I won't /date/ him...") We parted ways agreeing that a relationship was not for us. But I became attached to him emotionally, and eventually we fell into a path of dating that turned into love that turned into seriousness that turned into marriage.

Was I physically attracted to him? Well, yes, in some ways. He had boyishly good looks, a cute little face, brilliant blue eyes, and a bright smile. He was in good shape, and was hiking, kayaking, canoeing and stuff at the time. He looked foppish and young and vibrant.

I was uncomfortable with his naked body, and with the physical acts we would share, yes. I fell into the same pattern of enduring so I could get to the closeness and holding that I liked. I really /wanted/ to like it - I don't suppose unless you've ever tried to will yourself to be okay with something that you're not that you could understand. I liked it because it was close and intimate, and I wanted to be close and intimate with him. But the actual acts made me nervous, uncomfortable, awkward. This would develop into psychosomatic physical pain (which I only found out was psychosomatic recently).

If I'd given myself a chance in 1996, I would have found a woman I could relate to emotionally - I'm sure of it. I really hadn't given any of that a lot of opportunity. Most of my friends, especially my close friends, were male - so it wasn't like I had an overwhelming pool. And then I went and fell in love, and stopped looking. For the most part.

So there it is. And now I'm late for kickboxing.

Current Mood: rushed

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

qaphsiel.livejournal.com

Hmm, I was going to say something about you maybe needing the ordeal with A. to get to the point where you are now. But, now I'm not so sure. It sounds like you just needed time. It's THE SUCK that things with you and A. went they way they did.

That said, you now seem VERY happy and comfortable with who you are. Over the last few months that's one of the reasons that I'm so glad we've spent time together. Your genuine selfconfidence makes it easy for me to relax around you - and certainly that's something I've needed recently! Thanks.

See ya tonight!

From:

judecorp.livejournal.com

You know, I really like the dynamic we have, that we've developed in a seemingly short time - it's very relaxed and very comfortable. It's like I can be in your face when I want to, and be quiet and unassumptive when I want to. I'm going to miss you when I go, and I'm THE BIG SAD that we were both here for over a year before we knew we both lived here. Although I don't know that I would have been as fun to be around when I was in THE MARRIAGE.

I do believe that all things happen for reasons, and that there are always choices, always openings. I don't regret the time I spent with A., the things I learned along the way, or the way things ended up. I only regret getting legally married.

From:

qaphsiel.livejournal.com

It's THE BIG LAME that we didn't figure that we were both here. Oh well, split milk bygones under the bridge.

The timing of our colocation discovery was interesting, amazingly so in my case.

Regardless of what happens between

wannabe_lola and I, I don't regret our time together or marriage. I'm definitely a better person for knowing her and for her influence on me.

Wow, today is so serious.

From:

judecorp.livejournal.com

I regret getting married because I'm fundamentally opposed to marriage, and because this divorce thing is a total pain in the ass even though we don't own anything.

I regret that I sold my principles out for someone else, and I have to live with that, and for taking part in such a sexist and heterosexist institution, for the rest of my life.

Aah well, choices.

Global female domination.

On liking boys vs. liking girls

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