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judecorpYou know, I find it rather interesting that I'm so compulsive about my things (room, car, bathroom, etc.) being neat, when my life is such a whirlwind mess.
One of the parts of myself that I love is my ability to be spontaneous. Last minute road trip? Sure. Live in some random place for a month or two? You got it! (Just ask![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lorac) Need a favor with little notice? I'm usually right there. Is everything about me spontaneous? Are my emotions more fickle than other people's? Is "spontaneous" a euphemism for "person who runs away"?
Today I was angrier than I had been in a really long time. The last time, I think, that I was that angry was when A. admitted to a friend of mine that he was ignoring me on purpose, and yet was still putting his dirty clothes in my bedroom to be washed. That day I ran as fast as I could until I about collapsed from exhaustion. I didn't have that option today, as I was at work, so I tried to remain as calm as possible. I tried to take a time out. I commented that I needed some time to be able to formulate a response that didn't include a string of obscenities, but I was goaded into responding right away, and I exploded. I'm not proud of that, but am proud, at least, that I tried to avoid it. Still, that and a quarter will get me a pay phone call.
My little brother told me today that his plan was to make me spend all of my savings so I had no choice but to stay in Columbus. How sweet. Several people have commented that perhaps staying in Columbus would be good because it wouldn't be ending everything all at the same time, that I would have some stability. While that is an enticing possibility, I'm not sure it's a great idea. I mean, I couldn't just stay here for a couple of months... I'd need to get an apartment and sign a lease, which would keep me here for a year. If I stayed here for a year, I'd want a decent job, a job that I should keep for more than a year to make my resume look okay. So then I'm looking at a 2-3 year commitment to a place that I'm not sure has room for me, a place that I'm not sure would keep my attention, a place that does not contain the ocean or my family.
I just want to run away for a little while. I want to pack up all of my stuff, put it in storage, and head to Europe for a few months. Or maybe I could get in my car and just tool around the country until I got bored or fried or whatever. Maybe I could forget that I exist for a little bit. Maybe I could exist, but only as memories in the heads of wonderful people - fond memories at that.
I have to make a concrete decision on a state so I can take my stupid licensing exam, which is another piece of pressure I don't need. I need to choose a state, like, now. I have no fucking clue what I want to do or where I want to go, but I have to decide anyway. I'm tired of being given decisions that I'm unable to make. I'm tired of decisions, period. I don't want someone to make them for me, I just don't want to have too many to make. Sigh.
My internship boss said that if he could pick any life situation in the whole world, he would choose junior in college with wealthy parents. It would be near-perfect: no graduation stress, comfortable with your surroundings, a budding social life, an expense account... we had a good chuckle about it.
None of this makes any sense. Nothing I do is making sense right now, come to think about it. Maybe that's my cue to go clean my bedroom.
One of the parts of myself that I love is my ability to be spontaneous. Last minute road trip? Sure. Live in some random place for a month or two? You got it! (Just ask
lorac) Need a favor with little notice? I'm usually right there. Is everything about me spontaneous? Are my emotions more fickle than other people's? Is "spontaneous" a euphemism for "person who runs away"?Today I was angrier than I had been in a really long time. The last time, I think, that I was that angry was when A. admitted to a friend of mine that he was ignoring me on purpose, and yet was still putting his dirty clothes in my bedroom to be washed. That day I ran as fast as I could until I about collapsed from exhaustion. I didn't have that option today, as I was at work, so I tried to remain as calm as possible. I tried to take a time out. I commented that I needed some time to be able to formulate a response that didn't include a string of obscenities, but I was goaded into responding right away, and I exploded. I'm not proud of that, but am proud, at least, that I tried to avoid it. Still, that and a quarter will get me a pay phone call.
My little brother told me today that his plan was to make me spend all of my savings so I had no choice but to stay in Columbus. How sweet. Several people have commented that perhaps staying in Columbus would be good because it wouldn't be ending everything all at the same time, that I would have some stability. While that is an enticing possibility, I'm not sure it's a great idea. I mean, I couldn't just stay here for a couple of months... I'd need to get an apartment and sign a lease, which would keep me here for a year. If I stayed here for a year, I'd want a decent job, a job that I should keep for more than a year to make my resume look okay. So then I'm looking at a 2-3 year commitment to a place that I'm not sure has room for me, a place that I'm not sure would keep my attention, a place that does not contain the ocean or my family.
I just want to run away for a little while. I want to pack up all of my stuff, put it in storage, and head to Europe for a few months. Or maybe I could get in my car and just tool around the country until I got bored or fried or whatever. Maybe I could forget that I exist for a little bit. Maybe I could exist, but only as memories in the heads of wonderful people - fond memories at that.
I have to make a concrete decision on a state so I can take my stupid licensing exam, which is another piece of pressure I don't need. I need to choose a state, like, now. I have no fucking clue what I want to do or where I want to go, but I have to decide anyway. I'm tired of being given decisions that I'm unable to make. I'm tired of decisions, period. I don't want someone to make them for me, I just don't want to have too many to make. Sigh.
My internship boss said that if he could pick any life situation in the whole world, he would choose junior in college with wealthy parents. It would be near-perfect: no graduation stress, comfortable with your surroundings, a budding social life, an expense account... we had a good chuckle about it.
None of this makes any sense. Nothing I do is making sense right now, come to think about it. Maybe that's my cue to go clean my bedroom.
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Date: 2002-05-03 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-03 11:04 pm (UTC)But like, I'm totally understanding the anger thing today. Like, man, you wouldn't believe. Anger is soooo man, It's just powerful. It just like, boils in your veins or whatever. but then again, me & my brother have been known to have "anger management" problems. ;) As in, one time a chick threatened to beat me up at school and stuff and I was all calm and shit when she did it cuz fighting is barbaric and shit but then like, when she left. I flipped out. I had to go home. I couldn't stop shaking. I was afraid I was going to see her and kill her because I thought about how fucked up it was that she could think she had the right to like, even THINK of hitting me or whatever. ha. so.. blah. :p
and tWo! spontaneous is not fickle! no way! spontaneous rawks! of course it gets you in trouble too. i am impuslsive and do stupid things because of it. but i also do great things cuz of it sometimes. or um, yeah, sometimes. but carpe diem, man! i want to do everything. don't you want to do everything?
i forgot what else i was going to say but i think it involved wanting to get a hooker to throw ham at. yuup, that was it. peace, yo.