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judecorpWhen I was walking down Marconi Boulevard toward City Center from the AEP parking lot with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
doulamel, I was struck by how much I like downtown Columbus. No, it's not the big manic city feeling that infuses me with excitement, but it's delightful in different ways. I'd never really noticed it before. One time, at night after last year's Jazz and Rib Fest, I was struck by the purple lights under the Broad Street bridge near COSI and that made me smile, but I had some very intriguing thoughts this morning.
Until this morning, all of my downtown Columbus "event" experiences were tainted.
Pride. Jazz and Rib Fest. Art Festival. Red, White and Boom. With the exception of the Art Festival (because my brother was there, too), I went to all of these events with A. This ruined them, not because he's a bad person who likes to ruin people's good time, but because he's an antisocial agoraphobic. I don't think it really hit me just how much he's an antisocial agoraphobic until I realized this evening that he spent the entire weekend (from 6pm Friday to right this very moment) glued to his computer. He has not left the house today. I know this because I locked the door at 11am when I left for the AIDS Walk (he was sleeping, so I locked him in), and when I got in at 6:30, I had to unlock the door. But I digress.
We would go to these events, where large swarms of people would congregate, and he would get nervous and uncomfortable. He would be edgy and grumpy and would refuse to touch me. We would bicker. We would argue. We would go home early. I have uncomfortable memories of all of these things, even Red, White, and Boom which I was jazzed about (but got that stomped on).
Today, it was so fun to sit in Bicentennial Park withdoulamel, crena, pattisimmons, 356dreamer, and drainbead and her fiance. It was fun to walk around the AIDS Walk area and run into Patience and Brett. It was fun to chat with random people while walking. But the most striking thing was walking down Marconi with Melissa.
I was down on Columbus the first year I was here because I was experiencing it only with A., and he didn't really want to do anything. We saw a lot of movies and went to a lot of restaurants. But that's not what I like! I like the brick roads, and the fountains, and the lights under the bridges. I like the smell of the State Fair, and walking through the Short North, and looking in the galleries. I like the zoo, and concerts at the Newport, and the dube. I like the people.
More importantly, I like what I've made here. The meaniesmurf part of me likes to show A. that I don't need to run away to be happy. Sure, I came here for him and his dreams, but he is still sitting in front of the computer and I am building a life. I have friends whom I am realizing that I love very much. I have familiar streets and memories. I have a recreational activity that I'm becoming really attached to. Columbus isn't home - Boston will always be that and I will go back to settle - but I'm not sure I'm ready to end it yet. I'm not sure because I want to re-experience everything with my newly-opened eyes. I want to go to Pride and the Art Festival and the Jazz and Rib Fest and Red, White and Boom without feeling like I'm putting someone out - and instead with people who will feel elation at the sight of thousands and thousands of packed-in bodies.
I want to go to the zoo and Gallery Hop and the festivals and the State Fair and the Drexel and Wall Street and Coffee Table and Victorian's and Ludlow's (Cary's and my bar!) and the dube and Brenen's and Chipotle and Mirror Lake and someday maybe even to the infamous Bernie's.
I came here for you, A., to build your life. But I won. I built MINE.
~//~
In other news, I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my heart and my head. Jesus.
Liz Phair - Go On Ahead
You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend
I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
I believe when you sleep I am near to you
You walk out of the room with your hands so deep in your pockets
I don't recognize you
You say you're a ghost in our house and I realize
I do think I see through you
It's a death in our love that has brought us here
It's a birth that has changed our lives
It's a place that I hope we'll be leaving soon
And I fear for the year in his eyes
And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it's hard
To admit it, but you hold me and I can't feel you
We hurt but we smile
I promise I'll make it back when the summer has warmed me awhile
doulamel, I was struck by how much I like downtown Columbus. No, it's not the big manic city feeling that infuses me with excitement, but it's delightful in different ways. I'd never really noticed it before. One time, at night after last year's Jazz and Rib Fest, I was struck by the purple lights under the Broad Street bridge near COSI and that made me smile, but I had some very intriguing thoughts this morning.Until this morning, all of my downtown Columbus "event" experiences were tainted.
Pride. Jazz and Rib Fest. Art Festival. Red, White and Boom. With the exception of the Art Festival (because my brother was there, too), I went to all of these events with A. This ruined them, not because he's a bad person who likes to ruin people's good time, but because he's an antisocial agoraphobic. I don't think it really hit me just how much he's an antisocial agoraphobic until I realized this evening that he spent the entire weekend (from 6pm Friday to right this very moment) glued to his computer. He has not left the house today. I know this because I locked the door at 11am when I left for the AIDS Walk (he was sleeping, so I locked him in), and when I got in at 6:30, I had to unlock the door. But I digress.
We would go to these events, where large swarms of people would congregate, and he would get nervous and uncomfortable. He would be edgy and grumpy and would refuse to touch me. We would bicker. We would argue. We would go home early. I have uncomfortable memories of all of these things, even Red, White, and Boom which I was jazzed about (but got that stomped on).
Today, it was so fun to sit in Bicentennial Park with
doulamel, crena, pattisimmons, 356dreamer, and drainbead and her fiance. It was fun to walk around the AIDS Walk area and run into Patience and Brett. It was fun to chat with random people while walking. But the most striking thing was walking down Marconi with Melissa.I was down on Columbus the first year I was here because I was experiencing it only with A., and he didn't really want to do anything. We saw a lot of movies and went to a lot of restaurants. But that's not what I like! I like the brick roads, and the fountains, and the lights under the bridges. I like the smell of the State Fair, and walking through the Short North, and looking in the galleries. I like the zoo, and concerts at the Newport, and the dube. I like the people.
More importantly, I like what I've made here. The meaniesmurf part of me likes to show A. that I don't need to run away to be happy. Sure, I came here for him and his dreams, but he is still sitting in front of the computer and I am building a life. I have friends whom I am realizing that I love very much. I have familiar streets and memories. I have a recreational activity that I'm becoming really attached to. Columbus isn't home - Boston will always be that and I will go back to settle - but I'm not sure I'm ready to end it yet. I'm not sure because I want to re-experience everything with my newly-opened eyes. I want to go to Pride and the Art Festival and the Jazz and Rib Fest and Red, White and Boom without feeling like I'm putting someone out - and instead with people who will feel elation at the sight of thousands and thousands of packed-in bodies.
I want to go to the zoo and Gallery Hop and the festivals and the State Fair and the Drexel and Wall Street and Coffee Table and Victorian's and Ludlow's (Cary's and my bar!) and the dube and Brenen's and Chipotle and Mirror Lake and someday maybe even to the infamous Bernie's.
I came here for you, A., to build your life. But I won. I built MINE.
~//~
In other news, I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my heart and my head. Jesus.
Liz Phair - Go On Ahead
You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I'm no ordinary lover or friend
I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
I believe when you sleep I am near to you
You walk out of the room with your hands so deep in your pockets
I don't recognize you
You say you're a ghost in our house and I realize
I do think I see through you
It's a death in our love that has brought us here
It's a birth that has changed our lives
It's a place that I hope we'll be leaving soon
And I fear for the year in his eyes
And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it's hard
To admit it, but you hold me and I can't feel you
We hurt but we smile
I promise I'll make it back when the summer has warmed me awhile
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-05-05 10:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 06:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-05 10:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 06:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 04:00 am (UTC)If you re-do the bad moments with good moments you'll also wash away a lot of the bad taste in your mouth left by A.
Go for it. Boston will always be there, there's no rush to get back.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 06:21 am (UTC)As for staying in someone's spare room, that's certainly something to look into. I don't know if I'm ready to leave yet. Of course, the one morning I wanted to wake up and look at yesterday's paper is the one time in 2 years that A. actually took out the recycling on a Sunday night! Heh.
(I wasn't ditching your comment last time - I just never got around to answering them!)
no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 06:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 10:46 am (UTC)seriously. my roommate's cool.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 04:52 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-05-06 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 04:13 am (UTC)It's a good feeling, not because you'd glad to be rid of them by any means, but just because you know you are strong and independent and can be successful anywhere.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 06:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 07:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 08:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 07:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 07:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 07:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 07:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 08:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 08:16 am (UTC)Rent is $750 for two bedrooms. There's lots of stuff available in my neighborhood, regardless. Would you want to sign a year lease? I hope so!
no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 08:23 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-05-06 09:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 04:50 pm (UTC)I know you will get very excited, and since I love you so much, I will want to spend lots of time with you.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 07:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 08:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 08:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 08:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 08:16 am (UTC)Am I running away from Columbus, or from A., or from my own stubbornness?
no subject
Date: 2002-05-06 04:38 pm (UTC)Movement is the heart of change.
It's a question of where you are moving.
(Not where you are moving to. Where you are moving. There is a difference.)
And the purple lights of COSI ? Beautiful. =)
no subject
Date: 2002-05-07 05:52 am (UTC)