Quick quick like bunnies!

(Is that an expression everywhere or just here in Rhode Island?)

I learned some interesting things about myself today.

1. It's weird being somewhere where everyone calls me "Judie." I don't feel like a "Judie." It's probably as weird as when they call my brother "Ricky."

2. I was told today by someone I've known since I was 12 years old that my current look (hair, clothes, mannerisms) are much more me than anything she's ever seen, and thus, I look better than I ever have. Consequently, she had the most darling pigtail braids today. Very cute. Apparently my mother told her (Laurie cuts my mom's hair) about my haircut several times and always made it sound incredibly unappealing, so Laurie was surprised when I got out of the car. I believe her words were, "I like your hair. I like your hair better than I've ever liked your hair." (And she used to cut my hair.)

3. I like to listen to people and help them with their problems, but I like when people want to listen to /me/, too.

4. I don't like it when it's so hot and humid that my clothes are sticking to me. I dislike it so much that I was willing to remove my shirt and lay across my friend's bed in a sports bra and shorts. HOT!

5. I guess, Lara, that I'm officially "wall to wall gay" now. I was asked today, "So, like, are you still saying you're bisexual or are you just, like, totally gay? Because no one believes that bisexual stuff."

6. I like driving my mother's Altima. It's niiiiice. But I still love Gargamel.

7. I have a hard time thinking about my and Jennifer's trip to Provincetown. There's something heavy and wistful and leaden about the memories, and while they bring smiles to my face, I wonder what happened to those two girls on the beach, the ones whose worlds simply stopped for each other, the ones whose laughter formed the other's breath. I saw a magnet from Ptown on Laurie's refrigerator and I just dropped me way down. Poo.

8. Okay, this isn't about me, but Ryan is the bestest boyfriend ever. Thanks for the email!

Yours was a twisted, blindsided highway...

Oh, you set up your place in my thoughts
Moved in and made my thinking crowded
Now we're out in the back with the barking dogs
My heart the red sun
Your heart the moon, clouded

Oddly enough, both of my parents asked about Jennifer today. This is odd because neither of them has mentioned her, ever, without me bringing her up. But because they are so different, the conversations were so varied, though both of them referred to her as my "friend." *snicker*

With Dad, he asked how she was doing. I gave him this whole heartfelt schpiel about how I decided not to move and so we decided not to see each other, and I really tried to be very honest about how upsetting that was and all of that. In true Dad style, he said, "So you didn't hold out for the watch, hunh?" (He had talked watches with Jen when she went to dinner with us.) And then said, "I knew she wouldn't stick around long enough to buy me dinner." Later, though, he said that he really liked her, and that was nice. He said he wanted a watch, though.

With Mom, she exhausted the conversation about Laurie and Donna until finally she asked if I'd seen "my friend Jen" recently. So I told her that Jennifer was away at summer camp in New York, and that I don't get to talk to her much, and that I'd talked to her the other night. And then I told her that we put an end to things when I decided not to move, and that it was pretty hard for me right now. All she said was, "I'm sorry I asked," and I'm sure she was in more ways than one. However, /I/ wasn't sorry she asked, because she's NEVER asked, even though it was difficult to answer.

This is so weird, to be in this relationship limbo. On a technicality, we're not together - but in some ways we might as well be, because I completely cannot do things with other people. I try, I try to bury my feelings and go on actions alone, and it just seems so two-dimensional and shallow. Someone told me today that there's no point not being with her, because it's like we never stopped dating. Well, we /have/ stopped dating, I just haven't stopped loving her. I'm not sure I want to. But I know that's not fair, either. *sigh* It's not fair to her and it's not fair to someone else. A very nice, very lovely, very special someone else.

But not everything is better spoken aloud
Not when I'm talking to you.

In other, even MORE depressing news, I found out that one of the priests in this area that there have been big child molestation charges (and a confession) against is a priest that I've known since junior high school. He's the uncle of a girl I was friends with starting in the 7th grade - my mom asked me if I'd talked to her, and I haven't... not since senior year of high school, I think. I hope she's okay. It upsets me that Father Mike would do things like that, really upsets me, but I worry about how the rest of the family is being treated. Phooey. I thought I was untouched by all of this even though I have deep New England Catholic roots.

Oh, and an old lady at an ice cream parlor referred to me as "he" today. Score! My daddy, without missing a beat, said, "This is my daughter." Nice.

( Touchy feely stuff here. )

My mother made lesbian humor today. A waitress at the restaurant we were at (where I had TWIN LOBSTAHS, baby, yeah!) accidentally touched my breast and was /very/ embarrassed about it. I was joking that she was hitting on me and that everyone hits on me because I am so awesome. My mother said, "I would hit on you, but I'm married." Okay, avoiding the oddness that it's my /mother/, it was funny. My mother has never ever EVER said anything like that. Progress. Of course, earlier my dad was making fun of me because I joked with him that I had a hot date on Sunday, and he was like, "Are you going to hold hands?" When I said yes, he was totally dumbfounded. It's like he couldn't believe that two girls would do the same things on dates as opposite-sex couples would. Funny.

Home is amusing, but it isn't home anymore. It's just the place I grew up, the place where my parents live. I'm not sure where home is anymore.

Why do you spend this time with me?
It may be an equal mystery.