Yours was a twisted, blindsided highway...

[judecorp]

Oh, you set up your place in my thoughts
Moved in and made my thinking crowded
Now we're out in the back with the barking dogs
My heart the red sun
Your heart the moon, clouded

Oddly enough, both of my parents asked about Jennifer today. This is odd because neither of them has mentioned her, ever, without me bringing her up. But because they are so different, the conversations were so varied, though both of them referred to her as my "friend." *snicker*

With Dad, he asked how she was doing. I gave him this whole heartfelt schpiel about how I decided not to move and so we decided not to see each other, and I really tried to be very honest about how upsetting that was and all of that. In true Dad style, he said, "So you didn't hold out for the watch, hunh?" (He had talked watches with Jen when she went to dinner with us.) And then said, "I knew she wouldn't stick around long enough to buy me dinner." Later, though, he said that he really liked her, and that was nice. He said he wanted a watch, though.

With Mom, she exhausted the conversation about Laurie and Donna until finally she asked if I'd seen "my friend Jen" recently. So I told her that Jennifer was away at summer camp in New York, and that I don't get to talk to her much, and that I'd talked to her the other night. And then I told her that we put an end to things when I decided not to move, and that it was pretty hard for me right now. All she said was, "I'm sorry I asked," and I'm sure she was in more ways than one. However, /I/ wasn't sorry she asked, because she's NEVER asked, even though it was difficult to answer.

This is so weird, to be in this relationship limbo. On a technicality, we're not together - but in some ways we might as well be, because I completely cannot do things with other people. I try, I try to bury my feelings and go on actions alone, and it just seems so two-dimensional and shallow. Someone told me today that there's no point not being with her, because it's like we never stopped dating. Well, we /have/ stopped dating, I just haven't stopped loving her. I'm not sure I want to. But I know that's not fair, either. *sigh* It's not fair to her and it's not fair to someone else. A very nice, very lovely, very special someone else.

But not everything is better spoken aloud
Not when I'm talking to you.

In other, even MORE depressing news, I found out that one of the priests in this area that there have been big child molestation charges (and a confession) against is a priest that I've known since junior high school. He's the uncle of a girl I was friends with starting in the 7th grade - my mom asked me if I'd talked to her, and I haven't... not since senior year of high school, I think. I hope she's okay. It upsets me that Father Mike would do things like that, really upsets me, but I worry about how the rest of the family is being treated. Phooey. I thought I was untouched by all of this even though I have deep New England Catholic roots.

Oh, and an old lady at an ice cream parlor referred to me as "he" today. Score! My daddy, without missing a beat, said, "This is my daughter." Nice.

Up until I was 17 years old, I had no feelings. I had shut off all emotions because of assorted abuse and trauma issues, and I thought it was better to feel nothing than to feel sad. It worked, for the most part, and I got through high school with people thinking I was one of the happiest, most fortunate people in the world. I let them believe that. I was the person who cheered everyone up, so no one thought to ask if I needed any cheering. When I was 17, my lovely friend bodhimindspirit helped me find and reclaim my emotions, and then a year later a very darling person named Byron helped me lose a lot of anger.

It's been almost 10 years since that week that he helped me to find myself and to totally come crashing down. 10 years of feeling everything after 10 years of feeling nothing, and let me tell you, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even though my life can be a chaotic roller coaster at times, and even though I've made some people angry and burned some bridges, I can't imagine living my last 10 years like the 10 before. I can't imagine not feeling all of the things I feel now, even though they overwhelm me.

Sometimes the sheer weight of all of the emotions I feel knock me on my ass, but it's such a blissful heaviness, because it means I'm alive. I think of the gamut of feelings I've had in the past year alone - from the end of my marriage to the rebounds and discoveries to the friendships and the new love to the destruction and back - and I am amazed and thankful that I've had them all, that I've been fortunate enough to experience so much. I'm going to sleep the sleep of the wistful tonight, as most of my day has been spent in a wistful, confusing haze, but I will sleep peacefully knowing that there is a living, breathing person inside my body and I am in tune with him.



My mother made lesbian humor today. A waitress at the restaurant we were at (where I had TWIN LOBSTAHS, baby, yeah!) accidentally touched my breast and was /very/ embarrassed about it. I was joking that she was hitting on me and that everyone hits on me because I am so awesome. My mother said, "I would hit on you, but I'm married." Okay, avoiding the oddness that it's my /mother/, it was funny. My mother has never ever EVER said anything like that. Progress. Of course, earlier my dad was making fun of me because I joked with him that I had a hot date on Sunday, and he was like, "Are you going to hold hands?" When I said yes, he was totally dumbfounded. It's like he couldn't believe that two girls would do the same things on dates as opposite-sex couples would. Funny.

Home is amusing, but it isn't home anymore. It's just the place I grew up, the place where my parents live. I'm not sure where home is anymore.

Why do you spend this time with me?
It may be an equal mystery.

Comments

[hazelpeach.livejournal.com]

Home is amusing, but it isn't home anymore. It's just the place I grew up, the place where my parents live. I'm not sure where home is anymore.

Isn't home where you hang your heart? You're still carrying it, and perhaps some day you'd hang it when you're ready. But, eh. Enjoy life now.

Of course, who am I to talk? ;) I'm still digging through my life.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Ha! I don't hang my heart anywhere, that's the problem.

My true love has my heart, and I have hers.

Maybe some day I'll loosen up on the Control Freak that I am and actually set that damn thing down, if I ever admit that I have one. (Which I don't. I don't, I tell you!)

[geniusorafool.livejournal.com]

Jude...in our rush to close up convo for the night, I forgot that I'm working on Saturday morning. Blech!

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

Aah well. Two ships in the night, we are. :) Happy 4th!

[yarnaddict.livejournal.com]

The priest that was Pastor in our Parish for a great deal of the time that I was growing up, and who is now posted here in Sacramento, at the Cathedral, was also accused of molestation. I believe the church paid some sum of money to the accusing family, and nothing was ever proved or disproved. It was somewhat shocking, as this priest had been quite close to my family for a time, and I never got /any/ inkling of anything like that from him. Personally, I don't believe the allegations.

*HUGS*
-W, evil twin

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

*hug* Unfortunately, it's a little different when the priest in question confesses to all of it. :(

[biophile6.livejournal.com]

mine is a twistd blind sided highway too.
i dont know where home is.

[judecorp.livejournal.com]

You know something? You are one of the smartest people I know.

Let's make a home. Or a bunch of homes.