Prep for a lavage!
May. 9th, 2002 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
judecorpEveryone write this down: I watched television today! And I don't just mean I turned the blasted thing on to watch a movie, oh no, I watched honest-to-goodness network television. It was Mark Greene's last episode on ER. You see, I used to be a hardcore ER junkie. I remember when Baga and I would randomly shout out assorted ER lingo. We'd be sitting at mom's on couches by a christmas tree, and one of us would start: cross-table, C-spine, Chem 20, chest film, blood gas. "Gimme a Chem 20 and a Coag panel." Cross-table C-spine was always together, like one word. CrosstableCspine.
So anyway, right now I feel like a member of my family just died. I knew Rachel was going to get a balloon. My eyes were that word that begins with M that means slightly wet. Mark Greene was always my favorite. I wonder if Baga watched.
I was reading![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
grrlbandit's LJ today. I don't remember how I found her originally, but we were both leaving the midwest (she was in MI or WI or something) to move to Boston. Well, she's there now, in Watertown, and unemployed. She's looking for jobs, is happily in new love, and that is awesome. Me? I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
My field instructor was very surprised to hear that I might not move. Then again, he knows very little about my life outside of Children's. I told him that A. and I broke up a little while after it happened because it was a big event. I don't think I've told him much since. Everyone has a different opinion. Coworker Velma thinks I should stay because of finances, and John does too. Hope and Megan have short-sighted theories that make me rather irritated in their oversimplicity, but they think I should go. My father, undoubtedly, wants me to go. Adam overwhelmingly wants me to stay, and so does Carina. All of theklumbis kids, probably. But I know I would also be welcomed in Boston with open arms.
I don't write about love anymore, and that saddens me quite a bit. Last Friday morning/early afternoon felt like running full speed into a cement wall, and I think I'm still scraping myself off of it. That was less than a week ago, when I was pushed to the breaking point and snapped in my little office on the 4th floor of the Union. If Saturday's events hadn't happened, I don't know where things would even stand. Hell, I'm not sure I know now.
I know that I'm letting people down, whatever I choose, wherever I go, whatever I do. I know that there will be people who say I'm making the right decisions and people who say I'm making the wrong decisions. I know that whatever I choose, I will make a happy existence for myself, because that is what I do. I know I will work hard. I know I will smile, and make others smile, too.
Perhaps in the leftover melancholy of Mark Greene's final episode, I can muster up enough emotion to actually feel something. I had said in utter frustration last week that soon I would explode or shut down. I didn't know I would do both, but I did, and I have. I feel so oddly empty inside, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I try to fill myself up again by doing what I had been doing, but it doesn't feel right. I am trying to perform to certain expectations again, and I know that is the wrong thing to do and a dangerous path to set out on. All I really know is that I don't know anything at all.
I have 4 weeks of school left. Ever. Yay me. I should pack all of my stuff, throw away anything even remotely extraneous, and get in my car. And then I should drive. Pick a direction and go. And when I get there, whatever. Just disappear into mediocrity. Disappoint everyone all at once - equal opportunity shitstorm.
Geeze, I'm an emo motherfucker tonight. That's what I get for watching fecking television.
So anyway, right now I feel like a member of my family just died. I knew Rachel was going to get a balloon. My eyes were that word that begins with M that means slightly wet. Mark Greene was always my favorite. I wonder if Baga watched.
I was reading
grrlbandit's LJ today. I don't remember how I found her originally, but we were both leaving the midwest (she was in MI or WI or something) to move to Boston. Well, she's there now, in Watertown, and unemployed. She's looking for jobs, is happily in new love, and that is awesome. Me? I don't know what I'm doing anymore.My field instructor was very surprised to hear that I might not move. Then again, he knows very little about my life outside of Children's. I told him that A. and I broke up a little while after it happened because it was a big event. I don't think I've told him much since. Everyone has a different opinion. Coworker Velma thinks I should stay because of finances, and John does too. Hope and Megan have short-sighted theories that make me rather irritated in their oversimplicity, but they think I should go. My father, undoubtedly, wants me to go. Adam overwhelmingly wants me to stay, and so does Carina. All of the
klumbis kids, probably. But I know I would also be welcomed in Boston with open arms.I don't write about love anymore, and that saddens me quite a bit. Last Friday morning/early afternoon felt like running full speed into a cement wall, and I think I'm still scraping myself off of it. That was less than a week ago, when I was pushed to the breaking point and snapped in my little office on the 4th floor of the Union. If Saturday's events hadn't happened, I don't know where things would even stand. Hell, I'm not sure I know now.
I know that I'm letting people down, whatever I choose, wherever I go, whatever I do. I know that there will be people who say I'm making the right decisions and people who say I'm making the wrong decisions. I know that whatever I choose, I will make a happy existence for myself, because that is what I do. I know I will work hard. I know I will smile, and make others smile, too.
Perhaps in the leftover melancholy of Mark Greene's final episode, I can muster up enough emotion to actually feel something. I had said in utter frustration last week that soon I would explode or shut down. I didn't know I would do both, but I did, and I have. I feel so oddly empty inside, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I try to fill myself up again by doing what I had been doing, but it doesn't feel right. I am trying to perform to certain expectations again, and I know that is the wrong thing to do and a dangerous path to set out on. All I really know is that I don't know anything at all.
I have 4 weeks of school left. Ever. Yay me. I should pack all of my stuff, throw away anything even remotely extraneous, and get in my car. And then I should drive. Pick a direction and go. And when I get there, whatever. Just disappear into mediocrity. Disappoint everyone all at once - equal opportunity shitstorm.
Geeze, I'm an emo motherfucker tonight. That's what I get for watching fecking television.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
"cheer up emo kid"
Damn the man. I had to tape ER, I've been cramming para the AP test.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-09 08:39 pm (UTC)I hope you know that.
"Look, Daniel! Palm trees! You know what that means?"
"Yeah. Look out for falling coconuts."
no subject
Date: 2002-05-09 08:53 pm (UTC)Re: "cheer up emo kid"
no subject
Date: 2002-05-09 09:23 pm (UTC)Those people travelled to Hawaii like it was right down the street from their apartment in Chicago.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 04:45 am (UTC)i think the er talk rocks. you're so cool. i wish you could have come over last night, i was just so tired from my allnighter doing laundry wednesday night.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 05:12 am (UTC)I know someone who did that, when his marriage fell apart. We never saw or heard from him again.
Ayup, that's the suckiest thing you could do.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 05:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 05:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 05:46 am (UTC)meep bleep
no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 05:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 05:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 06:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 06:06 am (UTC)(Did I mention we now have two suicidal teens and a third who has come out about abuse??)
no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 06:10 am (UTC)All on MoD?
no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 06:11 am (UTC)yeah well...
Date: 2002-05-10 01:52 pm (UTC)"So anyway, right now I feel like a member of my family just died"
Date: 2002-05-10 02:08 pm (UTC)I started crying and I couldnt stop. This started as a reply and rambled on so long I decided it should be a legitimate journal post. So for the rest of it I guess you can look there if you want.
Re: "So anyway, right now I feel like a member of my family just died"
Date: 2002-05-10 02:12 pm (UTC)Re: "cheer up emo kid"